Just wondering...

For several years I have been around those who
speak of the power of words and energy.  I didn't
know what I thought of those types of things when
I was first introduced to them, and in some ways
still am not sure what I think now.

At the time that one of my roughest patches showed
up, I figured it wouldn't hurt to consider that there
was something to it.  So what if I fooled myself?
If it was "just" words, then what did it matter which
ones I chose?

The "problem" for me at the moment is that I see
all of these "think happy" "be positive" types of
statements now, and I have a harder time than
before absorbing them.  In some ways, they almost
seem to come off as things to say.

I don't know if I am making any sense to you at
the moment, as I am trying to figure out how I
want to say it - trying to figure out what it is that
I truly experience around these types of things.

I would say the moments that life is looking OK,
these words likely carry more meaning, except for
the fact that it isn't exactly those times that I need
to be reminded.  I would also add that the times
that I might need to be reminded are ones that it
would be difficult to grasp the positive message in
the words.

Bit ironic?

Someone that I know well recently sent me a well
meaning email with the words "Don't give up"
bolded and italicized.  It annoyed me.  I hate to
say it did, but it did.  I feel like no one I know
knows what I am going through, and the fact is,
they don't.  But I know they want to help.  They
want to be supportive, and I haven't a clue how to
help steer them because I don't know what I need.

Well...

That may not be true.  I think what I need is to be
treated as normal as possible.  I get the feeling
people don't know what to say or how to be so
they either don't say or do anything, or the things
that come out are all cheerleader like.

It is not that I don't appreciate it.  I just am not
sure how to be in all of this myself.  It is still
relatively new, and my bouts with questions and
concerns leave me in places that I would rather
not be.  At the same time, I can not help but
wonder if those are the places I need to be.  I
can't help but wonder if they are the places that
I need to explore.

I know some people do not believe that the mind
and the body are connected.  I am not sure what
I believe in this regard, either.  At the same time,
there are things that seem to "fit" in relation to a
connection that I feel might need to be looked at,
perhaps explored.

I suspect much of life isn't pretty in a sense that
most would agree on, and yet perhaps there is
beauty in things like this.   Perhaps the beauty
is that the old gets routed, and it makes room
for the new.

(Uh oh.  If I am not careful, I may find myself
being positive in the midst of my questioning.)

Any which way it goes, I find myself asking
questions with answers that are no where in
sight.  I am finding myself having to trust in
something, and I don't even know what that
something is.  I am finding myself wondering
how things are going to be different...who
I am going to be...how *I* am going to be
different.

I am scared to survive this battle only to find
myself asking the same questions later.

Gotta

Before I had to deal with this situation as it is,
I used to take supplements.  The "nice" thing
about taking them was that I never felt like I
"had" to.  If I didn't take them, or stopped taking
them for a while, I was never even sure if it
mattered, quite frankly.

Now, however, there are supplements that I
have been told to take, that I haven't been told
I "have" to, but they fall into that category, as
without them, there may be things that will
affect me that I won't be happy with.

So now I am in the haveta/gotta category, and
it is interesting how I react to it.  There is a part
of me that almost wants to rebel.  I gotta?  Well...
I'll show you.

Of course, I don't want that little kid inside of
me to win - she wouldn't be winning much at
all in the end.  However it is something that I
am finding interesting to watch and interact
with.

I know my unconscious is rigged all kinds of
ways and I can't help but wonder how much
of my life has been lived in a reactive way.

Several years ago I was in a course.  It was the
end of 4 long days, and there was one last
exercise we all needed to do.  Well...when it
came to my turn, I was told I needed to work
on my piece.  I went off to a room with
someone to work on it.  During the course of
our time together I went into a state of what
felt like severe devastation.

I cried from the deepest part of me.

During the time spent in the room I came to
realize something that turned me inside out.
People have said "feel the fear and do it
any way," and I thought up until that point
that that was what I was doing.  However
at that time, I suddenly realized that much of
my life, and my decisions, were actually the
opposite.  My choices were often based in
my fears.

I am not sure why I am telling you all of this
other than just a reminder to myself, I suppose:
a reminder to consider who and what is
driving me...even though, as I have already
stated, I don't always know who or what
that is...even when I think I do.

I feel like cr*p

Sorry to anyone who is offended by the title of this post.

I thought ever so briefly about editing myself.  However
I decided that an edit would only take away from the
truth of this moment for me.

I debated as to whether or not to even post.  At the same
time, it seemed like it might do me some good.  I am
struggling with being "positive" and "affirming" in the
midst of the way that I feel.

I told myself I would embrace this experience.  How
much can I embrace if I am trying to be something I
am not?  At the same time, I am miserable, and who
wants to be that?

Just as I was writing this entry, I got a call from an
organization that may be able to help me - atleast on
a small scale.  That is quite fine for me.  A dollar more
than I have is a dollar more than I have.  I will take
every kindness offered me at the moment.  It is hard
to ask, but I am guessing it may get easier in time.
Perhaps that is one of the lessons for me to learn that
will come from what is happening.

I found as I spoke to the woman I felt better.  Was it
because it was a distraction?  Was it because it was
a positive thing?  Maybe it was both.  I wondered if
I didn't have this thing going on how I would be,
and wondered if I could fake it.

I just went to get something to eat.  I really want to
eat something.  All I have had in the last two days is
watermelon.  I like watermelon, but feel like I would
like something of more substance.  I am just not sure
my stomach agrees at the moment.  I am wondering
how long this state will last.  Not eating much for a
day or two is probably not the best, but I can't go on
not eating.

The facility gave me a prescription for a medication
for nausea.  When I called to find out the cost - without
coverage for prescriptions - I was quoted $500+!

Obviously that doesn't work, so I called them and told
them I need something else.  I haven't yet phoned to
see how much the something else is.  But what I did
do is look online at the substitute, and there are some
nasty side effects.  It makes me really want to find a
way to conquer this in a more holistic way.  So if you
have any ideas, please feel free to share.  

I am already trying ginger candies and am about to 
order something for my wrist that is supposed to help.  
I also keep pressing points on my wrist that an 
acupuncturist showed me, and that seems to be helpful.  
I am pretty certain, though, the thing that is helping 
the most is the fact that I am not eating of any real
substance, which is probably not a good thing.


I am not sure what to expect next, and purposely did
not ask too many questions as I didn't want to walk
into the preconceived notions of what the experience
would be.  However, I do find myself wondering
what I could do with that info, if I had it.


As it is, the script of my second recording awaits me...

I just wish I wanted to do something more than sleep
right now.

Effects

I had chemotherapy 2 days ago.

Today I woke up and don't feel so great.
I understood that it might take a bit before
I would feel any effects...I just wish they
were wrong - at least in my case.

It isn't great waking up with a rash.  It
wasn't even a symptom they warned me
about.  It wasn't even a symptom they
said I should call about.  It was a
SURPRISE!  Woo hoo.  I am also
feeling a bit nauseous.

Now I am wondering if I heard the
recording I made.  I am in the process
of making a second recording to help
reinforce the first one, since I do not
know how much of it I will be hearing
during my treatments.

This is certainly an adventure.  Prior
to this situation I rarely ever dealt with
doctors or medications.  My poor body
probably doesn't know what to make
of it all.

I am still hopeful.  I am still working on
working this out...but there have still
been tears of frustration.  This situation
is overwhelming at times.  There is too
much to do.  It is like a full time job.


I need an assistant.


I also need to find myself flowing with
my situation.  I don't want to fight it.
I suspect many symptoms come from
the resistance and fighting the situation.
I don't know that for certain, but it is
a hunch I have.

At some point today I have to get
myself to the drugstore and get a few
things to help with how I feel.  It is
hot as heck outside already.  I really
don't want to.  I am thinking of going
back to sleep if my body allows me to.

I am also thinking of making my new
recording, and listening to some healing
music.  I also need to make calls to
see if I can get some financial help,
among other things.

As you can tell, I am all over the place
at the moment.
  

Clarification

Recently someone commented about how I am alone
throughout what is going on, and I wanted to clarify
my situation.

I am not close with my family.  However, the family
I do have is being as supportive as they might be.
One sister has gone out of her way to try to be there
for me when I had my surgery, and was with me when
I had chemo yesterday.  In some ways, she has been
even a bit too helpful!

I have never been one to have a lot of friends, and
those that I do are scattered all over the place which
makes it all too easy to fall out of touch.  I have
reconnected with several of them during this time,
but at a distance, there is only so much anyone can do.

The ways that I am alone is in that I have to deal with
all of the details of all that needs to be addressed in
the process of coping with this illness, and that
included being mostly alone while repairing from
surgery.  In many ways, it is a full time job.

The other way I am alone - and this one is quite
HUGE - is financially. While friends and family
are being supportive, it isn't in any way financial.
I also am not married, so I do not have any one
person to lean on for support financially.

For these reasons, I HAD to reach out the way that I did.
I really didn't have a choice.  If I was to run out of money,
I wouldn't be able to take care of bills, or myself, or be
able to buy good food/eat.  It wouldn't be a good
place to be.

In the last two days I have spent over $200 on necessities
- which include important supplements.  My health insurance
is $560 per month.  I need more money to help me live in
the next 6 months, and hope that in some way I will find a
way to be able to.  If I am able to work, all the better...but
only time will tell on that.

I hope that this helps to clarify my situation.  I would never
want to in any way be misleading about what is going on.
If kind people find it in their heart to help me, I want them
to know exactly what is going on so there is never any question
or perceived deception.  

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

First Chemo Complete

There are things that are good about the place that
I am going to, and there are things that to me would
make so much more sense if done another way.

There were things I learned yesterday in the process
of the process of chemo that I wish I had known
previously.  I guess for many people it doesn't really
matter when (or if) they find these things out, but
given that I designed a hypnotic recording to listen
to, there are things I wish I knew.

The biggest thing was that they were going to give
me something that apparently makes one sleepy.
Sleepy isn't so bad, but if sleepy means going to
sleep, I will not hear the recording that I designed.

The nurse tells me that - as I know - my unconscious
will hear it, even if I am sleeping.  That is not true.
Think about it:  you could say a lot while a person
slept, but it wouldn't affect them.  There are lighter
stages of what would seem to be sleep that are
actually hypnotic states, and if you were to catch
a person in one of them, then there would be the
effect that you might want.  However if someone
is truly asleep, then the message is likely lost.

The "as I know" part above is what the nurse said
to me.  As you can tell from what followed, it is
not what "I know."  However it didn't seem to me
to be something that I needed to take up with her
at the moment - especially since I had no choice
in the matter.

As it turned out I either went really deep, or I
did fall asleep.  I suspect I went really deep
because of how I suddenly awakened.  If that
is the case, I welcome it.  The deeper I am, the
more likely the suggestions are to implant
themselves.

I was also encouraged to get a "port."  I didn't
realize why many people get one, until yesterday.
At the moment I feel strongly that I don't want
one, but I also felt the same way about chemo,
and I am now doing it.  Depending on what
happens, I also may not have a choice. 

Quite frankly, I am hoping my current recording,
and a new one I am going to make will help me
not have to get one.  I am resistant for a few
reasons, one of which is that I would have to be
put under anesthesia to get one, and then anesthesia
to have it removed.  Another reason - it just doesn't
feel right.

I also - in the midst of tears of overwhelm - was
told by a Naturopath  a few things about the
chemotherapies they are using.  She told me
about how they are "natural."  I am not certain
that it allayed my concerns, given questions I
have about how we take things from the earth
and say they are OK because they are from the
earth.  Look at the bombs we have created.

However, putting that aside, I think my
conversation with myself about chemo being
a friend of mine is actually more helpful.  It
doesn't matter where it comes from, I know
I need to put aside the fact that it is considered
poison by some.   Even if others want to believe
it, it doesn't do ME any good to have that same
belief in the midst of utilizing it.

After the chemo last night I was kinda out of it,
and also on edge.  Not in the best place.  Also
tired.  I woke up this morning in a hotel, wishing
I was in my own bed, and for a moment more than
once I thought I was.  It was as though nothing
different had happened.

They told me that the steroids (among other things)
(steroids?  no one mentioned anything about them
before *sigh*) would likely have me feeling really
good and energized, and I did.  I felt that way so
much that I even went grocery shopping on the way
back home.  (I read instructions after I got home
that said I should stay away from crowds for 48
hours after chemo.  Oh well.)

I got home around 3, and the longer I have been
home, the more tired I feel.  I want to ignore it,
though.  I want everything to be OK/normal, which
is kinda funny because I don't have a clue what that
is at the moment. 

I was told that other things "could" happen, and was
given a prescription for a medication for nausea that
I found out costs OVER $500.  Well, that ain't gonna
happen.  I called them and told them that I needed
something different, as I do not have any prescription
coverage.

They found something else which I need to find out
the cost of, but in the meantime checked online for
side effects, and there are some really bad ones.
So then I went looking for things that I can do for
nausea more naturally.  Of course I am hoping that
it will be an effect that has nothing to do with me.

There were other things, too.  I am not sure what the
next week will bring.  The doctors were surprised that
I didn't take any pain medication after I left the hospital.
I have had discomfort, but I had it before I had my
surgery, too.  I have never been one to want to take
medications.  It seems doctors don't understand that.
What I don't understand is why take something if I
can be OK without.  Why be so quick to numb the
pain, especially if there are potential side effects that
can come as a result?

Since the surgery I have also had issues with eating
and my stomach.  Given what I have been through,
apparently it is no surprise.  It is also something that
will take its time rectifying, apparently.  It was
mentioned to me that it is possible that other patients
have the possibility for the same discomfort, except
that it is practically unheard of for many not to take
pain medicine, and that likely blocks any discomfort
they may have in eating.

Quite humorously one person who took my stats,
including my weight, came back to weigh me a second
time because my weight varied so much from last time.
I had mentioned that I had lost 30 pounds, but I guess
it was somehow unbelievable when faced with the
numbers.

I wish I knew what was going to happen next.  I know
what I want:  to go back next week stronger than ever,
without there being any signs of a side effect of any kind,
and to have my blood work not even showing any signs
of chemo having taken place.

That is my desire.  It is what I am working toward.  If you
are reading this, I would appreciate your cosmic few cents
and support.  The more energy that goes into a desire, the
more likely it is to become a reality.

One last thing:  this blog is mostly for me to chronicle things,
and to just get things out of my system.  However, I wouldn't
mind if it was in some way helpful to someone who might
stumble upon it.  If you have anything you would like to know
or hear more about, please feel free to leave it in the comments,
or write to me directly.

Have a wonderful 4th!

I am looking...

"I am looking at a woman who looks better in person
than she does on paper."

That is what the surgeon told me when he met me.

In some strange way, it was reassuring...I think.

I am reminded of that today, the day before my first
chemo treatment.  I am reminded of it as a way of
reminding myself that things don't have to look and
be a certain way based on "evidence."

I haven't slept that well for a while, and the last
few nights in particular I have had difficulty even
getting to sleep.  As optimistic as a part of me is,
there is another part that is anxious about the
unknown and the what ifs.

I am as prepared (I think) as I can be.  I have done
what I can to rewire my relationship with chemo.
Since I am doing it, I didn't want to think of myself
with poison in my body.  It was really important to
me to have a different relationship with it.

In addition to the chemo, I am having a massage,
Acupuncture, and Reiki tomorrow.  I want to do
everything I can to give myself the best possible
experience.  A part of me is quite calm, almost
confident - so much so that I even wanted to come
home tomorrow after my treatment.

As it is, I have heard it said people usually feel
the effects of the chemo some time AFTER the
actual day of the dosing, so I am not sure there
is anything for me to concern myself about -
at least not tomorrow...and hopefully not ever.

I am also receiving "fractionated" doses. 
Basically, instead of receiving 1 large dose
one time every 3 weeks, I am receiving smaller
doses 3 consecutive weeks, and then having
a week off.  I believe it might be kinder to my
body to do it that way, even though it is hardly
convenient, especially since I have to go away
for my treatments. 

There are so many details I need to work out
about this journey, and sometimes it feels like
a full time job.  Some days are better than others.
Some days my body feels incredibly great,
others I am not sure where my energy has gone,
and I can't believe how uncomfortable I am.

I just want to be myself.  I just want to be able
to walk and move and live my life without
being concerned about whether or not my legs
can carry me.  At one point in the hospital, I
bent down to pick up something, and was
amazed when I could not raise my body by
the strength of my legs.  I had to lean on the
bed with my arms.  It was very scary.

Things are better now, but I still have to be
careful, as my legs still haven't recovered.  I
was told in the hospital that my body badly
needed protein.  Apparently the near starvation
diet I was on the month before (the one in
which I was too uncomfortable to eat properly)
had had a significant impact on me, and I had
lost muscle.

I started riding a bike before this all happened.
I already miss being able to do it now.  I don't
know how long it will take for me to heal
officially, but it already has taken long enough.
:P

So today I made sure that I have all of the things
that I need on my iPad.  I want to be certain I
have the types of things that will be positive and
affirming for me - including a recording that I
made for myself.  I also have a large array of
images that I enjoy looking at that I will watch
in a slideshow, which will include some images
of friends.

I told someone the other day about what was
going on, and he commented about how I don't
sound like I am feeling sorry for myself.  
Perhaps things would be different if I had
received different news.  This is not to say this
isn't difficult for me at times, but I somehow
know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going
to do me any good.  Maybe it is part denial,
I don't know.  But, even if it is, I'll take it at
this point, as what I am experiencing is what
is helping me to keep going.

In terms of diagnosis, having symptoms like
I did probably saved me.  It scares me to think
what could have been.  It also makes me wonder
what I might have done differently to prevent
this from getting this far.

At the same time, it seems to me that perhaps
I was "meant" to get to this point for various
reasons...probably many of which I may never
know or understand.  But the fact that I feel
as calm and as clear as I do at times, and the
fact that it was able to be caught tells me that
there is an opportunity here that wouldn't have
been otherwise.

It sucks in some ways.  Wonder if I could have
gotten what I needed some other way.  This
way seems to be more scary...but it also has
my attention in a way very few things would.