I Can't Take This Sh*t!

A few minutes ago I was dealing with my internet-based
phone. I hate that phone line, but I have kept it because
it is cheaper than a Verizon land line.

Money-wise it is cheaper. But it costs me in other ways.
It, unlike a regular - old-fashioned - line needs troubleshooting.

My friend was looking at it for me, and asked for the directions
for the device. There was a place I used to keep them. It wasn't
there. I looked around at the mess that is in that area, and at one
point I told him to just forget it. I said, "I can't take this shit,"
and I started crying.

My friend at some point said, "that gonna help, either." I think
he was referring to the crying. No shit, Sherlock.

But it is not like I decided to cry. It is not like I chose to cry.
I cried - and still am - because I am so freaking overwhelmed.
I am exhausted. I am stressed. My blood pressure was sky high
when I saw the doctor the other day.

People are telling me to get support. I don't need people to talk
to, I need tangible HELP. And yet there is nothing I know to tell
anyone to do for me that doesn't somehow involve me any way.
Unless it is to help me find ways to make money. I need money.
The stress I feel comes from the threat of running out of money
and getting swallowed up by a gaping (and now increasing) debt
hole.

I need to find ways to stop feeling so pressured. But I don't know
how. I am in survival mode. SURVIVAL.

I don't think there is much you can do about anything when
you are in this mode - except survive.

I can't deal with anything. As evidenced by something seemingly
small had me fall apart just now.

So easy for someone outside of this to see things in a way that
says "it's no big deal." So easy for someone outside of this to
know what the answers are or how to fix things.

Well...you know what? It makes me just want to run myself
into the ground. I know. It makes no sense. And I really don't
want to run myself into the ground.

But the thing is, I have no shortage of things to do/try. And I
have to keep going. I have to keep trying. It makes me want
to work all day and keep pushing.

But I know I can't.

But I just don't know what to do, and as helpful as anyone thinks
s/he could be, this is not something anyone can help me with.
Telling me to take care of myself doesn't help. Telling me to get
rest doesn't help. It is like telling someone who can't eat for some
reason, "Eat. It will make you feel better."

I realize it isn't quite the same. But the essence is there. You can't
tell me to do something I do not feel able to do for some reason.
It only makes things worse. It only aggravates me more. It is only
one more damn thing for me to deal with.

I have obviously not been doing such a good job of handling
things. But then again, I am handling wayyyy too much. It is no
wonder I am not handling things well.

On top of everything else, I got a $16,000 bill yesterday, and I
now have to see if I can get the support I need to cover it. One
more thing to deal with.

I tried to tell the doctor about the stress I was feeling. About how
this side of things is. Her response was to ask me if I was going
to a support group. What good is that going to do me? It will be
one more thing for me to do. I already have enough.

It doesn't help that people don't understand what I am dealing
with, but even someone who can understand can't change anything.
This is still my life right now. These are still my issues and my
concerns. Plus people have a way of always trying to fix things.
I don't have it in me to deal with yet another person trying to
offer me a fix.

I don't know how this sounds. But you know what? Oddly enough,
I really don't care. This is not about you and any discomfort you
may have. It is about ME. ME. ME.

It is about where I am at this moment. It is about my feelings.
My emotions. My overwhelm. And, yes, I realize it is best not to
clam them as "mine." But in the midst of your greatest upsets, you
probably don't appreciate those well-intentioned tidbits - and neither
do I.

I am having a moment.
It will pass.
But it freaking sucks
while it is here.

Want to help? Help me get business. Help me find money/get
donations. Help me do more than "just" survive. That is what I
need more than anything right now. Anything else, as well-intentioned
as it may be is not likely to be as helpful as you might imagine it
would be.

I am sorry if the tone of this sucks for you.
Imagine how it is for ME.

Spring (Floral Wallpaper)

Spring is almost here. Yesterday I saw some really beautiful flowers. Thanks to photography and filters, they have become some beautiful wallpapers. If you would like to see these images full-sized and download them as wallpapers for your personal use, please go here.

Upcoming Events

Vendor at the CCBC Expo
WomensExpoMd.com
Saturday, March 16, 2013 10:00-5:00 Eastern

Speaker at the CCBC Expo
WomensExpoMd.com
Sunday, March 17, 2013 1:30 PM Eastern
How to Change Your Relationship with cancer - 
Or Any Illness

Don't Tell Anybody (Video)

I find this information quite curious. Especially since there have often been classes and courses and seminars that have often encouraged you to announce your goal, tell others, and get excited about it. And then many of those who attended never accomplished what they said they wanted to.

The things that make you go Hmmm...We human beings are funny, funny animals.

Up too early for someone who went to bed way too late

Last night I barely slept. Between going to bed way too late for a 4:30 awakening and not sleeping well, I am really tired. I have gotten to the point that most days I wake up when I wake up. Occasionally I will wake up because I hear the garage door when my friend leaves for work or one of the cats starts meowing.

There are times I don't know how I used to wake up to an alarm and go to work every day. It is a very different dynamic, and I certainly prefer waking up in a more "natural" way. The trade off is that I pretty much work all of the time. It wasn't always like that. And some would say I need to give myself a break.

I wouldn't disagree. The thing is, though, that I get caught up doing things, and before I know it, hours have passed. I sometimes work until I just can't any more. It isn't that I love pushing myself, but rather that I do not really feel like I have room to play. I have too much to do. I really am beyond overwhelmed at this point.

Today I go for my 3 month follow up, and then I head up to New York for a couple of days. I don't really feel up to it, but I really want to see Braco (pronounced Brat-zo). Some people make fun of him and what he does, and quite frankly, I don't know what to make of him and what he does, but given I am open-minded, and can use all the help I can get. I figure it is worth doing, at least once.

I told someone I was going to do it, and her response was something to the effect that I am not dealing with cancer any more. She is correct, to a point. but even still, my body is not doing that great. There are times I have discomfort and even pain. I am not the epitome of health, and not to mention, I am exhausted most days. Putting that all aside, it is interesting to me that people often have the attitude that if it ain't broke completely, then there is nothing to fix.

There may still be nothing to "fix," really, but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement.

I am at times concerned about the pace I am going at. I am not sure it is in my best interest, but I really do not know what else to do. I wish I knew where the balance was. I wish I knew what was an effective use of my energies and time.

In some ways I feel very focused, and in others, scattered. It is all a part of a bigger picture. But there is only one me, and the picture has a whole lotta parts.

Even as I head to New York, I reluctantly am taking my laptop. I was thinking it would be good to take a day and not work, but something is up in the air, and if I can't act on it should it come through, I will lose an opportunity I am not sure I want to lose. I don't really know what to wish for: a reason to use my laptop or my laptop brought for nothing.

Although I have a 20 page talk to type up at some point. I suppose I could read my handwriiten version. But I am thinking larger type - which would be totally legible - would not only be a good idea, but the best. among other things, it occurs to me that a typed version could be shared online. So even if the video doesn't work out, that could. I kinda like that idea, actually. I have also thought I might do an audio version which I could do outside of the event, if need be.

I really should not be taking this time now. I have too much going on. And Monday is my interview with Anna Renault. There is slso networking going on next week that I may not go to. We will have to see how I am feeling, and how much energy I have. Friday and Saturday are going to be busy days, and Saturday a long one. And Sunday is my talk, followed by something else I will be doing. I may need to conserve for the weekend. Although, I don't know how much conservation there will be, as I am still planning what I will be doing there.

I am considering doing some on the spot intuitive readings (3 questions for $5) as well. That should make things pretty interesting. And I am also thinking of making a catalog of things I do, with "expo only" specials. There is so much to me, I am not really sure how best to proceed...

Feeling Overwhelmed & Under Pressure

There is so much I am trying to do.

I have the Expo next weekend, and I wanted
to get some things to give away. It would,
however, need to be a trade with any company
that would be willing to do that. There isn't
much time to make that happen.

Then, even if they agree, everything design-
wise needs to be completed tomorrow, because
of other things I have going on.

I finished writing my talk today for the Expo,
but I don't know if it's a finished, finished. There
are details about the talk I do not know yet, and
it is stressing me out a bit, as well.

I still have to figure out what I am doing in the
vendor part of it all, too. And it doesn't help
not knowing if I have a company willing to
help, or not.

Christina is also enthusiastically working on
my new logo for World of Perspective Radio,
and she also has other great ideas for me, but
it just feels like too much at the moment!

I am supposed to have a meeting on Friday with
a couple of people regarding something else that
is a bit time-crunchy, and I just don't know that
I can handle it.

The IRS issue is still hanging over me, too. That
was supposed to be resolved this morning, but
it was not. So now it is yet another thing pushed
to tomorrow.

My environment is in chaos, papers from the
last 2 years are piled up. Certainly not a conducive
environment for peace. Someone told me to spend
a little time each day working on it.

If only it was that simple.

I really feel like I want to scream!

And then there is a snow storm headed this way
which could create all kinds of havoc. I know
that Mercury is retrograde right now, and I
think it is definitely affecting things.

I may have to let one or more things go. I just
don't know yet which ones. I really find it hard
to do more than one thing at a time. I don't know
if it is chemo-related or if it is just too much or
even a combination of both.

I just feel really weird a lot of the time I have
deadlines to meet. It is like a huge weight on
my shoulders. I really don't want anyone to want
anything of me. I know that is not realistic, but
I am not sure what I can do about it. How do
I tell people that I need handling with kid gloves?

I try.

But there are all kinds of assumptions that are
made that I don't know how to speak to them
otherwise. I am excited about the beginnings of
my show again, as it may be my out of the fiscal
mess I am in, but the way is not clearly paved
and boy, does the idea of the potential work
involved add to my stress.

Putting energy into the show is only going to
work if I start making money. I really hope
something happens/clicks - and soon! And, of
course, the fact that I am still financially strapped
and stressed and running out of money is not
helping in the least.

Being as busy as I am,
I have to hope I have
some income soon.

I can't keep this up.

But I also don't know
what else to do.

Your Input Please

I have many different mes these days...red, blonde, brunette, curly, straight. It is something that I have had a lot of fun with. And I often change up my pictures. The thing is, though, that I am about to give an image to the internet radio network, and do ads that will have an image for a long time to come (hopefully!). At the very least, it won't be the easiest thing to change.

I have been wondering what image I should give them. I have been using the middle image so far in my personal things. But I am wondering which image you guys think you like best. I always find things like this interesting, as one can get quite an array of responses. However, I thought it would be an experiment worth trying. If I got an overwhelming number of people saying a particular image, then it might seem that would be the image to use.

So...what do you think? If you were going to vote on your Top 2, which would you pick (use the number to the LEFT of the image, please)? I would love it if you would comment below. Of course you can also tell me personally.

Thanks!

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