Shifts

I saw a picture of what I would ordinarily think was a delicious looking burger. It didn't give me that "delicious" feeling, though.

It is amazing how much of a contrast there is between mouth-watering delicious and ugh. Times like this I have no interest in food. The doctor wanted to give me a medicine to combat that feeling.

I suppose if I was really skinny, and had to eat, maybe I'd be interested. But, quite frankly, I am appreciating the fact that I am dropping some weight.

I don't know if the medicine would make me feel better, or just make me want to eat. If only the latter, I think it would suck worse than it already does.

Given how much food has meant to me, it is fascinating to be in this place. It is such a contrast. And it is one that I don't really get "used to." I am amazed every time when it shows up.

I feel like my relationship with food is shifting. I am much more aware when I indulge. It is with intention. Before it would come in sideways. It would happen, but not necessarily by conscious choice. 

Because my digestion is so wonky now, it can't happen that way. I have to not only choose what I am choosing, but my body has to be in a "good" place to allow it. 

On top of that, I am wind up eating less. My stomach has likely shrunken. It seems I am often satisfied with much less than used to be the case.

My guess is that it is Ok, as my bloodwork seems to be Ok. I must be getting what I need ultimately, even if there are a few days that my diet is mostly comprised of hard, sourdough pretzels and electrolyte drink.

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Nausea and No Sleep

I was tossing and turning. I really just wanted to go to sleep to avoid this awful feeling of nausea. But it just wasn't happening. Last night I ate around 11:00, and it seemed to help. I thought it worth a try again tonight, even though it is after 2:00 in the morning. 

I just ate some potato salad and had some Raisin Bran. Great combination, dont'ja think? Apparently my friend's cat thought it was time she should eat, too. She sat and watched me from where she usually sits, waiting to be served. Being the sucker I can be for cats, she got to eat, too, before I made my way back upstairs.

Now I am back in bed.  I feel so freaking crapé. I would say the eating might have helped a bit. If I can just get to sleep, that would help a lot more.

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From earlier today...

From earlier today...forgot to "publish."

I just got enough energy to go downstairs so that I could manage to get something to eat. I noticed as I slowly went down the steps that my body actually aches. 

Overall it often feels crappy, but a lot of what I feel then is focused on my stomach and head. Just before I felt it in my buttcheek. I tried to minimimize what I felt there, but that put more on my opposite foot, which is very dry, and has resulting issues from that.

I am guessing the aches are from the loverly Neulasta they give me to prevent me from getting a life threatening infection my body would not potentially be able to fight off, thanks to chemo.

I should have stayed down there, but my bed isn't there, and it will be a hour before the food is heated. I am glad I have "Ready Made" food to eat. The "only" problem is that it is frozen, and takes a bit to re-heat. It may seem crazy, but everything I am describing is an ordeal, and takes a whole lotta effort. On a day like this, I barely have any, but I hope that eating something will in some way help.

I still can't help but laugh at the whole "exercise" thing. I can freaking, barely move. 

I have been trying to think about stuff. If I am gonna get on a trip, I have things I need to get done, and plan for. I am moving at a snail's pace. Hopefully it will be a sufficient pace to get the things done that need to be done. 

I also hope that I will be able to make the trip. It is a lot less ambitious than the one previously. Not quite sure where I will be, but I will be on the road a lot less than last time. I admit I am a bit more fearful this time, given the different circumstances. It may not be the wisest choice on any level. At the same time, it feels like something I really should do.

If it was to be now, I'd be in so much trouble. I can barely move, and feel like crap. But hopefully several weeks from now I will be getting back to some semblance of myself.

The plan is to head north, and then head south. Or head south, and then head north. I imagine I will only drive an hour, or two, at most, each day. At first, it may seem almost ridiculous, given I will be so close to home, but you gotta start somewhere, right? 

A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step - or something like that.

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Craving the Past

I just saw an old McDonald's menu board. I could almost taste the hamburger of my youth. The hamburger, fries, the strawberry shake.

Of course, the hamburger tasted nothing like the kind we made at home. But something about the taste, the smell, was comforting. 

Apparently still is. 

It has been several years since my last McD burger. (Although, I may have had one on my cross country trip 2 years ago.) Whenever was "last," the meal just wasn't the same. But then again, a lot of food just isn't the same as it used to be. Tomatoes of now just don't seem anywhere near to what I remember, either.

"Funny" how food can be such a trigger/comforter. Sadly, unlike other food I have craved recently, I have no mechanism for replication. 

I would guess the fact that I feel like crap is the reason I would be seeking out familiar points of comfort. I feel like I should eat more than just the pretzels I ate today, but the only thing that seems appealing at the moment is McDonalds of days gone by.

Anyone got a time machine I can borrow?

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A Few Years Late

I dreamt about college last night. I dreamt about my advisor. There was a point I felt I wasn't getting the guidance I needed. Someone was saying that was because he was old. 

At some point he showed up. I told him - in front of a lot of people - how I felt. I was unhappy about my major. I wasn't good at math, or with numbers, and I needed a general degree, one without a major. It felt good to say what I needed to.

He came over and hugged me.

I also dreamt about an earthquake that seemed to create issues on two shores. It went one way, and then sent cars soaring like missiles in the other direction.     At some point, I, and a few others seemed to be walking on the water, trying to figure out where to go. 

And then I dreamt about a move. I was working so hard to pack things, and there was so much. Someone found a work notebook of mine, and it appeared as though one state was counted twice. Had I made an error? It would have been a big one. If it was that big of a deal, why was only one person dealing with it?

Someone tried to say I wasn't doing enough. I shut them right up by telling them how much I had been doing to get things packed.  

I also dreamt I ruined a white board by putting alcohol on it. At first, I thought I'd have to pay for a replacement, but then it seemed to be Ok. It was actually two, and if they were as large as I thought, it would be $80 each. I was upset, and couldn't seem to fix the mess.

A lot of dreaming last night...

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Oh my eyes...

When I was a kid, I seemed get a lot if styes on my eyes. For anyone who does not know, it is a red, swollen area that can come to a whitish head.

Yup. Loverly. :)

Every now and again, as an adult, they'd show up, but never with childhood frequency.

In the last couple of months I have been having eyelid issues. At one point my left eyelid was so swollen, my eye looked half closed.

I suspect it has something to do with the fact that my eyes are mostly glued shut when I awaken from sleep. I have meant to ask the doctor about it, but suspect it has to do with the overall dryness in my body, due to chemo.

Now I am dealing with my right, lower lid. I could try to go to sleep, but that might just make it worse.

These side effects really suck.

You know what else sucks? I am about to get a new oncologist for the third time. Mine has decided he wants to live life, and plans to travel.

My reaction? Good for him. We never really were in sync, any way, but I truly DO think what he plans is awesome.

You may wonder why that sucks. It sucks because with his departure I also get a new team of people, too. It is one reason why, despite mixed feelings about him, that I never requested a new doctor.

I did not want a new team. I did not want to have to teach them about how I am. I did not want to have to tell them how to talk to me/refrain from speaking to me. 

It really sucks. So does how my right eye feels. So does a number of other things. 

One good thing? I am doing my best to get on the road again this fall. My trip 2 years ago felt like it saved my life. Hoping it can somehow help again.

I also have a thought / plan about the trip I will share when I know more / better. It is in the stewing / brewing stage at the moment.

Stuff at this stage in the game

I often see very large suitcases. I used one when I traveled in Europe for 3 months when in college. That was my version of packing "light." I wasn't a terribly good packer back then. I would often take full sized shampoo bottles. I didn't know any better.

There were several years I did not travel much, and then September 11 happened, along with significant travel restrictions. That, in conjunction with luggage handling issues, had me determined to pack purely carry-on.

I have traveled twice for a month since then, utilizing only a small carry-on bag. It has helped that the clothing has been of the summery type. I am not sure it would be as possible with heavier clothing. Both me, and those who have witnessed my packing, have been amazed.

I got to wondering today what it would look like if I had to condense my daily world into something smaller-sized. It really makes you pick the stuff you really like, want, and use. There is little room for the maybes and just in cases. Often they get bumped in favor of something else.

The fact is there are many things I could likely do without, and would never miss. Every now and again I consider doing a purge. Moving twice recently helped that process. Another likely move may help that again. 

I am fairly certain I have less stuff now than I did when I came from California. But, then again, there are replacements that have made their way into the mix. The idea of moving now is even more intimidating. I wasn't dealing with as much chemo before as I am currently. I was still tired, but nothing like it is at present.

I am wondering if I need to begin purging now. A little something every day so that when a move does happen, maybe I will have less to worry myself with. I am not sure it is possible, though, when my energy is non-existent, or used up going up and down the stairs to make food and eat, and then clean-up.

I was told exercise helps depression. Hard to exercise when I can barely move. The other day I bent down to pick something up, and it was extremely hard to get up. Thank goodness I had the counter nearby, and the upper arm strength to get me back to a standing position. One of the reasons I am uncertain about living by myself at this stage in the game.

I am not sure I like the idea of being with someone, but I am not sure that it is a terribly good idea to be alone.

I have so much to think about, and figure out. Some people are overwhelmed by just hearing about it. I get to live it.