I just got done playing a game of Spades on
my computer. It was one that lasted a good
long time because I couldn't seem to win.
The program is very player friendly. You
can undo as many moves as you like, and
even go back to the beginning. It can also
give you hints of what to do next.
I had given up on the game last night after
having gone back and undoing a number
of moves a number of times. But this time I finally kept my winning streak
alive, and won on my "first" attempt.
I was thinking about how the game is kinda like life. I was thinking about
how we often can re-do things. About how we can sometimes review a
choice and see if it allows us to move forward in the way we want to.
About how sometimes we get stuck, and there are no seeming options.
If you play an expert game, it is not always winnable. However the other
games always have the possibility to win. Sometimes in life we won't have
the option to go back. I sure wish we did. There are some things I would
want to change - especially if I knew it would change an outcome.
The "problem" is there is no way to know for absolute certainty what
ultimately affected what. Perhaps if I changed one thing and made a
difference in desired way, something else undesired would have popped
up in another way.
It makes me think about my on-going question and discussion about what
is "wrong" "bad" "undesired." It makes me really wonder if the way life
is is really perfect in some way that isn't truly understood. Because if we
really understood it, we might have a whole different relationship to the
things we have to interact with.
There is much that I look at differently than I used to. There are things
that will never again be the same for me. Changes have occurred, and
continue to occur. With some I don't even know what they will mean
ultimately.
Last night I was having a conversation about making plans - for January.
I really want to make those plans.
The thing is, though, that I need to be done with the chemotherapy
before then for those plans to even be in the realm of possibility.
Until chemo is done, my life in many ways feels like it is on hold.
In many ways, it IS on hold.
There are times I feel so ready to get on with things. There are times I
get nervous about what is next. I keep telling myself that things can get
better, will get better, and I also have my moments of questions and doubts.
I was speaking with someone the other day about the recurrence of cancer.
You hear a lot about that online, and likely with "good" reason. Those who
are dealing with it, are talking about it. Those who aren't, are going on with
their life. Just because there are people who have on-going issues, doesn't
mean that there aren't people who don't. And there is every reason to
believe that I can be one of the latter group (as there is no reason to believe
otherwise).
Maybe this is a gift that keeps on giving. Maybe I can use it as a reminder
to keep growing and becoming and moving forward from a place of
greater awareness. Maybe it doesn't have to have an element of fear
attached. Maybe it could just be nature's way of reminding me to love
and appreciate the fact that the game of life is not yet over and that I am
still here, and even if there are times I feel like I can no longer make any
moves, I can always start a new game.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
Now to the implementation...
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