Dream

My world was coming down around me. There was a violent electrical storm that was bringing buildings down. At one point it seemed as though the building I was in was going to come down, too. It seemed like pieces were coming down in slow motion. I was desperate to get out. I was trying to break a window which was above me, as it seemed to be my only way out. I woke up as I was trying to escape.

Gee. I wonder why I would dream that.

Tired & Restless

I am tired, and yet wired.

Do you ever feel like all seems to be OK,
but then you wonder if you have been
fooling yourself? If somehow things that
you thought were, weren't?

I am having one of those moments.

At the same time, I suspect that what I am
feeling isn't what I think I am feeling.
There is something else going on. I am sure
of it. I just don't know what it is.

But what I do know is that there is sadness
and disappointment around it. And maybe some
anger. But if it is there, it isn't blatantly
obvious.

The emotions around it aren't joy, love
and peace, that is for sure.

There is a feeling of knocking my head against
a concrete wall. The feeling of being blocked.
The feeling of great hurt.

It is good I am writing. I am once again
crying. I have lost track of how much I have
cried in the last year. But it has been streams
of tears, at least.

And I know even if they come from sucky things,
tears are a good thing. I so want to yell right
now and if I was alone, I would. But I am not,
and it is late, so it really wouldn't be a good
idea.

But my heart is beating pretty wildly at the
moment,and there is a tightness in my chest.
There is a tightness in my whole body.

And yet I am so tired.

What a combination.

I have to believe that things that have happened
lately are to my benefit somehow. I have to
believe that whatever I have done is somehow the
right thing. Even though the things made no sense,
and my logical mind would have easily overruled
me, had I let it...which I didn't.

The things felt right. I have to believe they in
some way were. I have to. Otherwise I will start
to question everything. And that won't serve me
particularly well. I have enough stuff that I am
dealing with.

I don't need to add to the pile.

Last night I dreamt I was on a train. It was
interesting, because at some point, I was visiting
a foreign country. It was interesting, in part,
because of the metaphor I wrote about being in
a foreign country recently.

I am not sure when the foreign country part came
in though. When I was on the train, I was with
a guy. I was leaning on him, and thought that
we were together. But then suddenly he moved
away, and couldn't seem to get enough distance
between us.

I said to him something to the effect of why did
you say you'd be there for me, but now move away?
It wasn't the fact that he moved away that bothered
me, as much as it was that he was saying he was
there for me, but then did something totally
opposite. Why say he'd be there for me, when he
had no intentions of being there for me?

I don't know that I got an answer.

I was so confused, angry, upset. He had been right
there with me, and then he wanted nothing to do
with me. I think there was more, but I can't
remember it.

In some ways it was exactly what happened with
"A" He was there, until he wasn't. I don't know
why I had to relive it in a dream. I got nothing
more in the dream that I got out of "real" life.

I was equally confounded.

There was no answer.

I then found myself in a foreign country. I found
myself there without my iPad or cellphone. I had
my old 35mm camera that wasn't digital, and I ran
out of film. I didn't know why I hadn't brought
my digital camera with me. That would have made
much more sense. Or even my iPad, it could have
taken pictures, too.

It was a weird combination. It was almost like
where I had been in Europe years ago, with that
camera, and yet, it felt like some place new.

Someone I knew was there, too, but she was off
doing what she wanted to do. She left me without
figuring out where or how or when we would find
each other. And without my phone I didn't know how
that would happen.

I don't remember for certain, but I think I wasn't
even sure where I was going to stay. There is
something in the back of my mind about a hotel,
but it isn't clear. I think I did wind up at a
hotel at some point.

And I am thinking someone from my past might have
been there, too. But I wouldn't swear to it. And
the person who was in the other place with me,
doing her own thing, was no where to be found.

It was like I was on my own.

It occurs to me that maybe this series of dreams
is why I can't seem to sleep tonight. I haven't
had enough disappointment in my regular life,
I have to find more of it while I sleep?

I know dreams can be helpful. I know they can
help let things go, or be solved. But I don't
really see the value in these dreams, and on
top of that, the one in which I was on the train
has lingering pain attached to it.

It was like yet another person was leaving me.

As I typed that, I started to cry again.

That is probably what bothers me the most about
"A" at this point: the fact that he is yet another
in a line of guys who have chosen abruptly to pull
up stakes and leave.

How much of this can a girl take?

How much of this can THIS girl take?

There is so much irony in the situations I have
had. They all start out in a similar way, "You
are such a great person, why are you not with
someone?"

Besides the fact that it is a damn good question,
these guys all proceed to be a reason why I am
alone. Each one of the past guys could have easily
have had me. They all had my heart - which I didn't
give easily, or quickly - and yet each one of them
ultimately chose a path that didn't include me.

I have so much to offer someone. I feel like a
part of me doesn't get to be expressed when I
am not in a relationship. It's not that I need
someone, because I am clear that I don't. But
I want someone. I want someone who I can share
myself with.

I am so clear that I have so much to offer a
relationship. I am actually quite proud of
myself for how far I have come from who and how
I used to be. I am proud of the fact that I have
loved and learned as each situation has occurred.
I am proud of the fact that even when I thought
I had given up and was resigned to being alone,
that I was able to be open and find not one,
but several possibilities along the way -
each one better than the last.

But what a damn, freaking tease.

Enough already.

I suppose I would prefer what I have to a love-less,
life-less marriage that I know so many are in.
But there has to be a place somewhere in the
middle. I have often felt that I could have that.

I don't remember if I ever said this, but I was
not surprised I had been diagnosed with cancer.
I think a part of me always knew I would be. I
know that probably sounds strange. But I somehow
just knew. I even remember last winter standing in
a particular room and suddenly having a feeling
wash over me that said I wouldn't have hair this
winter.

I don't remember a lot of things. But I remember
that moment fairly clearly. It was only a few months
before I started having more obvious symptoms, and
was within 6 months of diagnosis.

I say this in part "for the record," but I also
say it because I can only hope that the part of
me that has always felt she could have that kind
of relationship that is wonderful and enduring
comes from the same place that knew that something
like cancer was going to show up.

I have to tell you, though, a part of me is scared
that I could die never having had that. And the
thought of that takes me to a great depth of
sadness that feels like a huge, gaping hole where
there is so much indescribable pain that could
never be measured. In some ways, I guess it could
possibly be described as a black hole of painful,
gut-wrenching emotion.

**

On that note, oddly now I think I can go to sleep.
My eyes are closing. I only hope that when I visit
the "United States of Dreams" tonight, I find myself
in a better place than when I was last there.

Life is challenging and sucky enough right now
without my dreams replicating what is going on
and adding to it.

Got a Plan?

Got a Plan?

Ha!

For the first time in months, I tried to make a plan.
It was a simple one, but with many parts.

So far, only the bigger pieces of the plan have
happened, due to an unexpected detour of being
sick...really sick, not "just" chemo sick.

I can't even tell you how many hours have been
lost to sleep, starting this past Saturday - almost
a week ago. The best part of that might be
a dream I had in which I had thick, curly,
beautiful hair. ( I can only hope it is a sign of
things to come.)

I also wound up at the doctor's this week. She,
thankfully, called the facility I go to, and they
advised her how to treat me.

She did, however, throw around some scary words.
One of which was Neutropenia. It wouldn't have
been the worst thing, necessarily, but certainly
not the best. She also asked if I ever had pnumonia,
and wanted me to get a chest xray, which I did not
jump at.

A sister was with me, and she just shook her head
in reaction. I think both of my sisters think I should
just do what the doctors say. I have had more tests
and xrays than some people have probably had in
a lifetime at this point. I am not just gonna go do,
not if I can help it.

So I bought myself some time. I either have to be
better by tomorrow, or I should really consider
getting the xray. If it turns out to be in my lungs,
I will need a greater antibiotic dose. As I write
that, it makes me wonder if having a greater dose
to begin with would be a worthwhile trade-off of not
getting another xray.

Then she also mentions to me - because she
believes it is important - that I should consider
the BRCA test. If you don't know, it is a genetic
test that would tell me if I am genetically pre-
disposed to breast cancer. Had I gotten it
before all of this, it would likely have told me if
I was pre-disposed to ovarian cancer.

The test was something that was mentioned to
me when I was first diagnosed. I saw little
reason to do it. I already had been diagnosed.
But my one sister saw it differently. It might
be something for those in my family to know
about.

The thing is...if I have it, it doesn't mean anyone
else does. The only way someone else is going
to know is if she (or he) gets tested. (I said he
because he's can get breast cancer, too, so if
there is a he who carries the gene, there is
something to consider, I guess).

As far as I can tell, the biggest "advantage" I
have in regard to finding out if I have this gene
is to determine whether or not I want my
breasts lopped off preventively.

My mom recently asked me what stage I was
diagnosed. It is not anything I tell anyone.
She asked why. At the moment I am unwilling
to tell anyone because I do not want anyone
to make any assessments of what the
statistics mean. I don't even know myself,
and quite frankly, I don't want to know.

Statistics could be my experience, but there
are always those things that fall outside of
the expected range. It may sound odd to say,
but I think I stand a better chance of standing
outside of the statistics if I don't know what
they are.

If someone wants to know what is going on
with me, they just need to interact with me,
and not a statistic about what is going on
with me. I really don't see how the stage
means anything, in the same way that I
don't know how a test means anything,
either. It is all anyone's guess. And even
IF it does mean anything to anyone, it
would seem that it would mean something
to me, and anyone else is just being nosy.

At least that is the way I feel at the moment.

I have been very open about a lot of things.
More so than I could ever have imagined.
I am not going to do things just because
others think I should.

I remember watching a TV show several
years ago in which a woman's mother got
breast cancer. There was talk of a test
that could tell her if she had the gene. If
I remember right, she was torn about finding
out.

If there is a helpful reason, then it might
be worthwhile. But I am not sure what
would fall in the range of helpful for me
in that regard at the moment.

If people are concerned about how long
I will be here, they should be working on
making whatever time we do have be the
best it can be. The thing is, no one knows
how much time we have, even without
the label of an illness.

The clock can
stop ticking
at any time.

The "funny" thing that I have noticed about
people's awareness of my situation is that
it barely has changed a thing in some cases.
If it was distant before, it is still distant now.

In other cases, it has made distance where
there wasn't any before. So, if anything,
knowledge has seemed to do less than
empower the situation.

I started this blog out talking about making
plans, and how that doesn't always work out.
Just because we think we got a plan, or a
clue, about something doesn't mean a damn
thing.

We may try to manipulate and control things
in an effort to have things go the way we
want them to, but sadly sometimes life
has a way of presenting us things that
S-U-C-K. And it does it in such creative
ways we don't even see it coming.

If I knew I could have prevented ovarian
cancer, would I have done it? If I succeeded,
then there are things and experiences I
would have missed out on. Was I "supposed"
to have these eperiences? It certainly
has taught me much more than I ever could
have learned from the "outside." Plus, from
the outside, I was so uncomfortable that
I likely wouldn't have faced things in any
real or helpful way unless it was thrust
upon me in some way.

It is much different being on the "inside."

Everyone tells me, "It's just hair." People
who have hair. People who have never had
cancer. It used to bother me in the beginning.

So easy for them to say.

I still don't agree. But I am at a different
stage now. I now see it as a necessary
step in this experience. A necessary -
and sucky - and apparently unavoidable -
step. It is just what it is, and I deal with
it much better because I have learned
to compensate than I would have without
that ability.

If only I felt that compensation wasn't
necessary. But that is likely an
exploration and/or a conversation for
another day.

As for now...I am feeling pretty sleepy...
I may need to get some more rest.

Later gators.

Last Night...Anything but Sweet Dreams

Last night was anything but sweet dreams.

I fell asleep at one point, and woke up in the
midst of a nightmare.  I didn't feel safe, and
I dreamt that there was someone unwelcome
in the house, and that it wasn't the first time.

I also dreamt that my car had been stolen
more than once.

I believe vehicles in dreams represent our
body.  I guess in some ways, my body has
been "stolen" from me by "someone"
unwanted and undesirable, and that "person"
leaves me feeling afraid.

In the dream I never saw the person, in the
same way that I have never seen cancer.
In the dream I just knew "he" was there,
in the house, as I could hear him, in the
same way that I have been told the cancer
is there (in the "house" of my body), and I
can "hear" it.

I think my dreams may have been my
unconscious' way of helping me to release
my fears.  Even though I knew someone was
in the house, instead of running away, I still
went inside, as terrified as I was.

I also wasn't alone.  So I imagine that helped.

As I was having this dream, I had a friend
with me on Skype.  It was very comforting.
Wondering if that had anything to do with it.

In addition, to waking up from this dream I
found myself very tired, and yet awake, for
a few hours afterward.  It wasn't until after
four in the morning that I was able to go
back to sleep.

I guess you could say I am feeling pretty
unsettled these days for many of the reasons
I voiced in my previous blog.

I told my friend last night that I want to live,
but I want to LIVE in my life.  And if I can't,
then it makes it very difficult for me to sort
through the array of emotions that come
along with that.

I have a lot to share and give.

I know I do.

I just wish I knew why there are many times I 
can't even seem to GIVE it away.