What Makes You Feel Empowered?

I saw something about a woman who is a breast cancer 
survivor who got a chest tattoo. There is a comment from
someone who says something about how he doesn't
see how that could be empowering for anyone.

When I first saw that, I knew I wanted to write something
about it. When I went back to get the link, I noticed that
there were a number of responses to the comment, one
of which speculated on what could be an empowering
reason to do it.

The person who posted the initial comment responded
in a way that acknowledged that person's attempt to
explain it, rather than just jump all over him, as others
had.

I thought that was interesting perspective for me. I wasn't
going to jump all over him for what was said, but I was
definitely jumping on his perspective of what one might
consider empowering.

The last words of the original commenter were, "If you
were really proud of who you are, I would think you
would not give a fuck what anyone else thinks about
your scars, yourself included. THAT is empowering."

I wonder if the person ever had something happen to him
that he felt he couldn't control. I wonder if there was
ever anything about him he wished he could change.

It is one thing to make a choice. It is another thing to
have something thrust upon you.

It is "easy" to say that one can feel empowered in
acceptance of something, and maybe someone can.
At the same time, why is there a need to accept it on
the terms given? If there is something that can be done
to make one feel better about oneself, and it is something
desired by that person and feasible to obtain, then why
not do it?

I did not want to always be reminded that I had a chemo
port. The usual placement is in a place that many would
always see - including me. So I had it placed lower, in
an unusual place.

It was my choice to make the decision, and one may say
it was "empowering." I don't know if being caught between
a rock and a hard place and choosing the rock is empowerment,
but what I do know is that I feel better about where it is
than where it could have been (and yes, I still have it).

And so many have commented about its placement - and
not in a good - or helpful - way.

Who are we to decide what is best for another? Who are
we to decide what is empowering for anyone - except
ourselves?

That commenter may have just been asking a question. It
may just be that how it was said rubbed people the wrong
way because of how they interpreted what he said. In turn,
they judged him.

The series of comments is a reminder to me that words can
sometimes be so inadequate to express how we really feel -
especially when other people are involved.

The woman who got the tattoo expressed a message, too.
But it wasn't necessarily one meant for the masses. It may
have been something deeply personal. It may not have even
been about "empowerment" at all.

You would think by now that since everything can be
translated in so many different ways, we would stop jumping
to conclusions and jumping all over each other. Maybe there
are times we are "right," but I am guessing there is often
something off about our assessments.

I wrote about how I hadn't heard from my friend and her
partner, and took it to mean something it did not mean at all.

I suppose we are wired to see things through our eyes and our
experience. The difficulty with that, though, is that it is possible
that our interpretations of what happens in life are only one
possibility. There are others. And while we are busy overlaying
what we believe to be true over another person's words and
actions, we are likely missing some perspective that helps us
to truly connect to another.

(The irony, of course, is that while we may do it, I don't know
anyone who likes it done to them.)

It occurs to me that when we do what we do, we are reacting
to a person, a comment, a situation. And when we react rarely
are we truly empowered.

We are more likely to have an open mind, and have an opportunity
to make a better choice than a reaction would likely allow, when
we are able to take a step back and consider what we are doing
before we do it.

Because the choices made suit the WHO of who made them, we
just have to be prepared that the what, where, when, how
and why of what we do for us is going to possibly leave others
scratching their head, or butting heads with us because they just
don't understand.

If that is the way things need to be, maybe we could use a little
padding once in a while so we are less likely to hurt each other
in the process. :P

Bullying & Empowerment

Perhaps you have heard about the story about the 
anchor who received an email with a message that
she felt had a bullying tone and message.

I have seen her reply as well as the original message
which read

"Hi Jennifer,

It's unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed to witness that your physical condition hasn't improved for many years. Surely you don't consider yourself a suitable example for this community's young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain. I leave you this note hoping that you'll reconsider your responsibility as a local public personality to present and promote a healthy lifestyle."

as well as people's comments, and found myself
wondering what I thought of the whole "thing."

Some comments have said that what the emailer
said was not bullying.  Not nice.  But not bullying.

As per my usual, I went for definitions to see how
it matched the perspective of "bullying."  When I 
look up the word bullying, I find words like 
intimidate, unwanted, and aggressive.  It seems 
the words said while bullying are intended to hurt
the person addressed.  I also looked up the word
aggressive, and it talks about attacking or 
confronting in a forceful way.  Merriam-Webster
calls it "marked by combative readiness."  It also 
seems that bullying seems to have an element 
of a power inequity - whether real, or perceived.

The author of the email certainly brings his 
judgment to the tone.  It is obvious not only 
what he thinks and feels about Jennifer's 
appearance on the small scale, but also how the
whole topic is addressed within the scope of their
world.

It is also obvious that it is not in a positive way.

I would say that the appearances of this situation
certainly fit unwanted.  However is a sharing of 
an opinion that is unwanted, inherently aggressive?

I am also not sure that there is anything to indicate
a power inequity.  At the same time, it would seem
the tone of the email certainly seems to attempt to
elevate its author's opinion, which would seem
to "confront in a forceful way" the reporter.  However
she does say that she has a thick skin. If one has a
thick skin, can one be bullied?  Is bullying at effect,
regardless of how it is perceived by the intended 
person?

I ask these questions because I genuinely am 
curious, not because I want to minimize her message.
I believe that what she says makes a lot of sense,
and that the tone and tenor of the author's opinions
and approach could definitely affect the opinions
of others to the point that they might become a 
bully, whether or not the author himself actually is.

When I was growing up I was tormented by others.
The word "bullying" wasn't used then, but in looking
back, I would say it definitely fit.  It was no fun.  I
even stopped going to school at one point because
of it.  

I was often told "sticks and stones...blah, blah, blah,"
but it never helped.  What I have come to realize
is that while people think words can hurt, it isn't 
the words so much as the meaning behind them 
that has the power.  

I know many people think that words can scar, and
wouldn't necessarily agree with me, but when I think
about it, it makes sense to me that the true scarring
comes from the belief one creates from what another
has said.  Another person could hear the same words
and it would mean nothing.

At the same time, when words have the power to 
create an effect, the effect can not be taken lightly
or without regard.  

Some have taken issue with the fact that Jennifer
does not do more to address the author's concerns,
and go as far as to say that her response is a 
deflection of a conversation about the problem
that is obesity.  They also say that she compares
obesity - which they believe is controllable/chosen - 
to things like race - which are not.

As I am a person who has struggled with weight 
issues, and have seen how physical health can
affect one's weight, I tend to think that those who
never have had the "problem" tend toward things
that may not be as accurate as they may be led
to believe.

From where I stand, many issues that we face as
a world community -  in the big picture - are things
that occur as conflict because there are times others 
never will be able to appreciate something that falls 
out of their own realm of personal experience and 
understanding.  If we were better able to see the
larger picture, we might find ourselves more able 
to relate to others and their concerns.  

Most things rarely, if ever, what they seem to be about,
and I think that might be why we often have difficulty
finding accord.  We fight over what we think we
believe is the situation, rather than what we really
are facing.  For that reason, I am not sure that it 
matters what this message truly seemed to be
about, and whether or not it was "truly" bullying.

It would seem that the meaning we bring to life
is the meaning that works best for us somehow.
For that reason, I can see how some may fall in
line where they do.  Fighting over where those
lines are, though, in my opinion, isn't going to
do much to help in the long run.

It seems that Jennifer and this email writer have
similar ideas in mind, they just approach it in
a different way.  Of course, it seems (depending
on the observer) that one way may be better 
than another.  And it is those types of judgments
that have the ability to stop us in our tracks.

I see this as a theme time and time again, and 
I find myself wondering why that is.  What is it
about these situations that draws my attention?
Is it just a reminder to me that another's 
experience and reality is just as real and valid
as my own, whether or not I agree with it, or
understand it?

I guess the key is to figure out how we interact
in a world filled by others with opposing ideas
and opinions.  I once went to a retreat in which
a speaker said that most of what we focus on 
in the world is not our personal business, and 
he suggested not paying attention to most of
what is presented as news for that reason.

What he said makes sense to me.  Is it my 
business to pay attention to this news piece?
Does it matter to me what this woman says
or how she looks?  Does it matter to me what
this man's opinions are?  

As I think about it, I could certainly get through
my life without having known what happened.
Odds are, that would likely hold true for many
people who have voiced an opinion on this story.

But, as with anything, if our experience of life
is how we relate to those things we come 
across, then perhaps we are challenged to find
a way to approach those people and things we
might find ourselves at odds with in a way that 
not only empowers the person we look at in 
the mirror each day, but also those we interact 
with. 

If that idea could possibly be "right," it would 
seem to me that while we are capable of doing
just that,  it is all too easy to get caught up and
go only half way, thinking that where we are is
as far as we need to be.

If we could spend more of our energies looking
for mutual empowerment, finding the similarities, 
instead of feeling at odds with one another, I 
imagine the world in which we live would look 
and feel and sound different.  

Since my diagnosis I find myself stopping 
before I speak more and more.  I find myself
hesitating if I think that what I am going to in
some way minimize or nullify another's 
experience.   I am much more likely to 
immerse myself in the other person's 
perspective than to offer up something that
would seem to fix anything.  

Is that the right thing to do?  I haven't a clue.
But what I do know is that it feels right to me
at the moment, so I am going with it.  Am I 
perfect at it?  Hardly.  But what I have noticed
is that it is rather freeing to be able to go 
with where another person is instead of trying
to figure out how to fix anything.  I have also
noticed that, with practice, it is also getting 
easier to do.

See the reporter's full response here: