Hair Today & A Few Things I Believe

Well...

It is not gone, not yet.

But it sure is looking like it.

Perhaps astoundingly,
I haven't shaved it.

I wake up each morning
to a wild look with what is left.



I have been looking at pictures lately and noticing the hair.
I have been feeling sad when I see curly, long hair.  I have
been looking at short hair and wondering how I might look
with the "right" style.

The thing is, for the longest time when I was growing up,
I had short hair.  It was awesome to be able to enjoy long
hair in the last last few years.

I have wondered when I had long hair what it would be
like to shave my head, but I would never have done it.
But this is different.  Anything can happen when hair
grows back after chemo.  I have heard of color and texture
changes.

Of course, I "should" be happy that I am still here to grow
hair, and then when it comes back, I "should" be happy to
have hair.

I suppose in time it will work itself out.  I suppose in time
I will move forward and find a new balance and peace
about what has happened and is happening.  After all, the
new "normal" has me wearing wigs and seeing myself
with an almost bald head.  The devastation and sadness
I felt the first few times I started to lose globs of hair is
now in my rearview mirror.

Some have said that our hair carries energy.  That is why,
in theory, those who get their hair cut feel a big difference.
It, in theory, is why they feel "freer."

Right now the thing I feel is a lot of heat.   I have noticed
that a lot of heat comes from my scalp.  I have heard in the
winter that a lot of body heat escapes through our head.

Well, now I know that to be true.  I guess when you have
hair you don't notice.  I wonder if the hair somehow
buffers/diffuses the feeling of the heat.

When winter comes I will be curious to see how I feel.
By then I will be surprised if anything is left.

I have laughed at a friend of mine who is mostly bald that
walks around with a ski cap much of the winter - even
indoors.  Maybe this winter will be payback.

I am struggling with how to end this.  Maybe it is
because I want to end on a lighter note, but am not
feeling so "light."

This is the problem with sharing your inner thoughts in
an outer way.  You wonder what other people will say
and think.  If you ever felt like you should apologize
for how you felt about something, or felt like you needed
to defend it, you may have a sense of what I am feeling.

I know how I feel, and it is just how I feel.  It is something
that ebbs and flows.  It is something that at one minute
saddens and another is practically a non-issue.

It is just what it is.

Internally it is quite the dance, and when I invite someone
else into the dance in the way that I have with a public
blog, it adds a dynamic that can challenge my ability and
desire to speak things as they are.  Often it makes me
want to edit myself.

I was speaking with someone recently who was trying to
help me.  In his attempt - that wasn't seeming to work -
he asked me what I would do if I was him, interacting
with me.

I told him that I would likely just tell the person to do
whatever she needed to do.  I told him that I would
mostly just listen, that I wouldn't try to fix things.  I told
him that this situation has altered the way I see things
when it comes to situations like this.

He asked me how I would have been BEFORE, thinking
that that would offer the SOLUTION.

I told him it doesn't matter what I thought before.  It
doesn't matter what I would have done, and told him that
I even cringed thinking about how I have been when I
was on the "other side."

I told him that I believed that it was good that I now
could see the things that I do.  I told him that I would hope
never to be as I was again, as I moved forward.  I told him
what I have said here before which was that I think there
is a "problem" in situations like this because people not
experiencing the dilemma they are trying to fix, can't fix
it, despite their best of intentions.  I told him that I have
begun to think that some things just aren't meant to be
"fixed," but perhaps just lived the way that they are, and
that especially includes the things that aren't so pretty.

I believe...
We don't need to fix everything.

I believe...
That everything doesn't even need to be fixed.

I believe...
That not everything can be fixed.

I believe...
That when we come to something that makes us
uncomfortable with the feeling that we think we
need to fix everything, even those things that
don't need to be fixed, and especially the things
that can't be fixed, we wind up creating even more
discomfort, and potentially set up ourselves for
disappointment and conflict.

I believe...
That when we set out to fix things we can miss
out on other things.

These are things that I am formulating as I go
along, and I reserve the right to change my mind
at some point, should my perspective warrant it.  :P

I am working things out as I go along, and
this situation has certainly offered me perspective
in a way few things ever have, or likely ever will.

So these are things *I* believe.  This is where I
am at.  You may feel otherwise.  I kinda wonder
if I was where you are now, if I would have
felt otherwise.  It is so easy to think you can see
another person's experience more clearly than
they can.

And perhaps sometimes we do.  That is why I
am willing to listen, at least at times.  I can tell
you there are times I am soooo not there.  But
I try to keep an open mind.  However I suspect
there is a reason I feel this way, and I suspect
there is a reason I am sharing this with you.

I guess time will tell if I am right.

And if time finds out,
maybe it will let me know.

Q: How do you eat an elephant?

A:  One bite at a time.

No wonder I am choking.

I am trying to eat one all at once.

Today is the anniversary of something horrible,
and it fits the way I feel.

It started last night, and it continues today.
I am emotional and I am tired and I am
overwhelmed by life in general.

Have you ever been one to "feel" what another
person feels?  If so, you may know what I am
dealing with at the moment.  I can often feel
what another is feeling emotionally and physically,
and I am wondering if I am picking up the
feelings of those who are focused on the events
of THAT day, 11 years ago.

I am wondering if I am picking up those types
of feelings if it is making me more vulnerable
to the more immediate concerns I have.  I was
speaking with someone earlier about my
situation going forward.  All of my concerns
are tied together, and in one heck of a freakin'
knot.

The person was trying to be helpful.  I know he
was; but he was anything but.  I got emotional.
I started to cry.  I needed to end the conversation.

I was told that I shouldn't be the way I was being.
How else could I have been?  It overtook me.
Emotion is like that.  Emotion is a wave that
overcomes and never looks back.  It covers
everything else and wipes out logic of any kind
from its path.

Logically one might offer ideas and solutions for
dealing with emotion, but one has to be in a non
emotional place to get the most benefit from
whatever the advice might be.  The time one
needs it the most is the time it can least likely be
of any help.

I "know" things consciously, logically.  But that
doesn't mean that I can extract the "emotion-maker"
in my body.  I find that logic often wants to get
rid of emotion - especially when it is someone
else's and we don't know what to do with it.

It would seem emotion serves a purpose.  At least
I would have to hope it does, given its effects.

This person was trying to help by making my
emotional reaction wrong, and telling me what
they believed was right.  In the midst of an
emotional moment, it was like he put kerosene
on my emotional fire.  His well-intentioned
reaction only made things worse.

I am not in the best place in general these days.
I have so little tolerance for things that I can't
deal with.  Is it the best way to be?  I haven't
a freakin', bloody clue.

But at the moment, it is difficult for me to sit
back an analyze things in the way that I would
have pre-all of this (crap.  There I said it.  Didn't
want to, but it is honest for the way I feel at the
moment).

So much of my life has been analyzed and
assessed to death, and for what?  I still am
standing in a place I would never have
consciously chosen.  I could pretend like
everything is "normal," but I am not sure
that if what was before was normal, it is
where I want to be.

In the meantime, I am craving chocolate like
crazy in between being tired and crying and
writing this little diddy.  Good thing I got
some chocolate pudding.  Although, sadly,
it doesn't seem to be the grand fix I need.

That darn elephant.