Shorty Award Nomination

Today a friend of mine nominated me for a Shorty.

Nominate Elizabeth Alraune for a social media award in the Shorty Awards

The voting ends tomorrow.

Looks the winner will be someone with 875 or more votes.

Makes me wonder if I could have been a contender THIS
year - if I had tried. But I didn't even think it feasible.

The person who is at the top also has 30K+ followers.
That is a few! I have just about 5K.

I know numbers don't have to mean anything. But for
whatever they do mean, I will be working toward having
the #1 spot this time next year.

It is not so much about winning. It really is more about
the idea that if I can get that many votes and, better yet,
win, that means that I have done something that people
have noticed and paid attention to. And given what I
am looking to create and do in the next year, I think it
would be more "awesomer" than words could even express.

So I really hope that what I create here is of value, and
that we connect in wonderful ways as the year progresses,
and then - when the time comes, you will be in my corner,
cheering me on!

A place to start is for us to connect. If you are on Twitter,
please follow me @JoLoPe and be sure to say hey. I will
follow you back. :)

Thanks.

Trying to Distract Myself (and it's not working too well)

Kittie Kurls: Buddies til the End

I have been feeling really sad today.

So many times I have seen the two cats curled together.

I found myself wondering if they know what is coming. I found myself wondering if it is good somehow to know what is going to happen.

I have been wondering if the sadness I feel is all "mine." Since I tend to pick up other people, I wonder how my friend is holding up. He hasn't said much, and I haven't asked.



I also wonder if the cats do know, if I could somehow be picking up what they could be feeling.

Tonight Patootie was leading the charge for dinner like she often does. I gave her a bunch of kittie treats today that she just ate right up. The spark in her eye isn't there the way it once was, but in some ways you'd never know that she was having any issues.

I feel beside myself. This feels really intense, really. Logically it doesn't make much sense. I think I might be doing what I used to do before I realized how empathic I could be: I am pointing to parts of my life to explain why I might feel as I do. But it may not be me that I am even feeling. There could be a piece, butI don't know that it is the chunk of grief that I feel.

It is hard to think about interacting with anyone, as I feel I could burst into tears at any moment.

Banana Bread (Gluten Free Recipe)

Banana Bread (Click Title to See Original Recipe)
2 bananas
1 avocado
3 eggs
1 T vanilla extract
1 T honey
¼ c butter
1/2c-1c raisins
2 c blanched almond flour
½ t  sea salt
1 t baking soda
sliced almonds sprinkled with cinnamon & sugar

Mix bananas, avocado, eggs, vanilla, honey and butter
in mixer until just mixed.

Fold in flour, salt and soda til wet and mixed in.
(Don't overmix)

Fold in raisins.

Pour in 10" pie pan.

Sprinkle on almonds coated with a bit of sugar and cinnamon
and press into batter slightly.

Bake 350/40 minutes or until done.

Enjoy.

Playing the Acid v. Alkaline Game (How Does One Know What Is Best?)

Today I have been all over the place.

I didn't get too much sleep last night,

and once again, woke up way too early.

I know I was dreaming again, but I don't 

remember what. I meditated some earlier,

but fell asleep.

I also made some Paleo-style Banana Bread.

I was thinking it was a good, and yummy 

and healthy choice, but found out afterward

maybe not as much as I thought.

I have started to pay attention to whether

foods are acid or alkaline. If you don't

know anything about it, you may wonder why

I would care.

Apparently our body is in its healthiest

state when our urine has a PH level of 7.0.

Anything below that is considered "acid."

Anything above it is considered "alkaline."

At least that is how I understand it. I

read on one site that either side of 7

is acid. I am not sure about that.

Apparently different foods will either

leave an alkaline or acid type of residue

in our body which will tip our body in a

either direction. A lot of acid is what

some say can help be a cause of cancer.

Apparently you can buy PH strips that 

will tell you what your body is doing in

relation to the levels. Someone I met over

Facebook very sweetly sent me some.

The first time I tried it, I was close

to 7.0, but under. The next time I tried

it was first thing this morning, and it

was extremely acid.

Apparently acid is to be expected, as 

the body needs to expel it. After I ate, 

it was closer to 7.0, but not anywhere 

near where it was last evening.

I found out online that it would be expected

that you would have a higher PH level as the

day wears on, but a healthy body would not

stray too far from 7.0 in either direction.

(Again, at least as far as I understand it).

When I made the banana bread, I thought it

was good because on the list of alkaline

foods are bananas (as long as they are not

too ripe), avocados, raisins, almonds.

However, once you cook something and/or add

sugar to it, it no longer is considered

alkaline, but is now acid.

Apparently to really get the effects of the

alkaline properties of food, you need to

have it in raw form. I also read that 

organic bananas are better than non-organic

because pesticides can affect the alkaline

properties of the fruit.

As I tell you all of this, I think of the

practice of Astrology. So many think that

Astrology is a pseudo-science that means

nothing. While I am no expert in Astrology,

I know enough to know that there is a lot

more to it than the fact that someone is a

Leo. There are many facets to it.

I am reminded at the moment that one of my

nodes is in my "health house" which I believe

meant serious health concerns/issues when 

I looked it up several years ago.

Well...if that is the case...

I mention this because I find it interesting

to learn a bit and see where there are crossovers

and overlaps and how it may seem to fit.

I also mention it because there seems to be 

much to food and diet that we don't know either.

We think we are eating an apple. But there is

more to eating the apple than meets the eye.

There is the fiber. There is the fructose

content. There is the fact as to whether it

is alkaline or acid. There is a variable if

you eat it with skin, or without. There are

the vitamins that it is known for. There are

also variables depending on what color it is.

There are the number of calories. Type of 

calories. And whether or not it has fat counts.

All of this is interesting to me. At the same

time, it strikes me as overwhelming to know

all of this information. 

And then how do you know what the "right" 

information is? There are variables among the 

experts about different foods. For example, 

on some lists a certain food may be considered 

acid, while on another alkaline.

There are many things that there are variables

with in life, and a myriad of "expert" opinions.

How do we know what the best one is for us?

I saw an article earlier about what men like

in regard to make-up on woman. One guy says

he doesn't like the vibrant lip colors, and 

another says how attractive he finds it. And

this - on face value - is supposed to be

helpful, how?

I think there will always be someone, somewhere

saying what is best for us. And if we took the

accumulation of the suggestions and put them on

a spectrum together, I bet we would find quite 

a range.

Those people tell us what is right for them,

and because it is right for them, figure it is

right for others. It could be that it is right

for others, but I am not sure about it being a

universal thing for all people.

Of course, it is best if it is universal, it

sells more that way.

I know that isn't necessarily fair to say. I 

know there are some who would have another's 

best interest at heart, and it would truly

believe that what they say is the "truth."

But I am not certain there is a Universal Truth.

I truly do wonder if we know deep within us 

what we need to heed. I wonder if we are so 

busy looking to others at times that we don't

find what we need, but rather what others 

think we need.

If that is the case, it is no wonder we find

ourselves feeling a bit lost at times. I keep

thinking about this idea, and at times I 

incorporate it, and at other times I get so 

caught up in things I forget.

It is not easy to be so conscious and aware

and responsible to oneself. Odd that our

default seems to be a focus on the outer 

world rather than on the inner one.

But it would also explain why some people are

all over the place with their choices. They're

not the ones do the choosing. They just think

they are.

For the moment, investigating this feels right

to me. It will be interesting to see where it

goes/where it takes me. To see if I feel any

better paying attention, and perhaps making

different choices.

The thing is I don't know how different my

choices will be. I thought I was eating fairly

well in recent months, but if I pay more 

attention to this PH thing, that could wind

up changing things.

Just what I need. Another thing. But this is

why I think I may have an interesting point

about being in touch within. If I am in touch

with myself, then maybe it will be easier than

I think.

Maybe it is not about the calories or the PH

or the fiber or whether it is raw or cooked or

gluten or not...Maybe it is about finding my

own inner sense of self and balance. And

maybe when that place has been tapped, 

my outer world will take care of itself which

will feed my inner world in the ways that is

best for it.

Maybe.

At least it sounds good to me.

Tired & Restless

I am tired, and yet wired.

Do you ever feel like all seems to be OK,
but then you wonder if you have been
fooling yourself? If somehow things that
you thought were, weren't?

I am having one of those moments.

At the same time, I suspect that what I am
feeling isn't what I think I am feeling.
There is something else going on. I am sure
of it. I just don't know what it is.

But what I do know is that there is sadness
and disappointment around it. And maybe some
anger. But if it is there, it isn't blatantly
obvious.

The emotions around it aren't joy, love
and peace, that is for sure.

There is a feeling of knocking my head against
a concrete wall. The feeling of being blocked.
The feeling of great hurt.

It is good I am writing. I am once again
crying. I have lost track of how much I have
cried in the last year. But it has been streams
of tears, at least.

And I know even if they come from sucky things,
tears are a good thing. I so want to yell right
now and if I was alone, I would. But I am not,
and it is late, so it really wouldn't be a good
idea.

But my heart is beating pretty wildly at the
moment,and there is a tightness in my chest.
There is a tightness in my whole body.

And yet I am so tired.

What a combination.

I have to believe that things that have happened
lately are to my benefit somehow. I have to
believe that whatever I have done is somehow the
right thing. Even though the things made no sense,
and my logical mind would have easily overruled
me, had I let it...which I didn't.

The things felt right. I have to believe they in
some way were. I have to. Otherwise I will start
to question everything. And that won't serve me
particularly well. I have enough stuff that I am
dealing with.

I don't need to add to the pile.

Last night I dreamt I was on a train. It was
interesting, because at some point, I was visiting
a foreign country. It was interesting, in part,
because of the metaphor I wrote about being in
a foreign country recently.

I am not sure when the foreign country part came
in though. When I was on the train, I was with
a guy. I was leaning on him, and thought that
we were together. But then suddenly he moved
away, and couldn't seem to get enough distance
between us.

I said to him something to the effect of why did
you say you'd be there for me, but now move away?
It wasn't the fact that he moved away that bothered
me, as much as it was that he was saying he was
there for me, but then did something totally
opposite. Why say he'd be there for me, when he
had no intentions of being there for me?

I don't know that I got an answer.

I was so confused, angry, upset. He had been right
there with me, and then he wanted nothing to do
with me. I think there was more, but I can't
remember it.

In some ways it was exactly what happened with
"A" He was there, until he wasn't. I don't know
why I had to relive it in a dream. I got nothing
more in the dream that I got out of "real" life.

I was equally confounded.

There was no answer.

I then found myself in a foreign country. I found
myself there without my iPad or cellphone. I had
my old 35mm camera that wasn't digital, and I ran
out of film. I didn't know why I hadn't brought
my digital camera with me. That would have made
much more sense. Or even my iPad, it could have
taken pictures, too.

It was a weird combination. It was almost like
where I had been in Europe years ago, with that
camera, and yet, it felt like some place new.

Someone I knew was there, too, but she was off
doing what she wanted to do. She left me without
figuring out where or how or when we would find
each other. And without my phone I didn't know how
that would happen.

I don't remember for certain, but I think I wasn't
even sure where I was going to stay. There is
something in the back of my mind about a hotel,
but it isn't clear. I think I did wind up at a
hotel at some point.

And I am thinking someone from my past might have
been there, too. But I wouldn't swear to it. And
the person who was in the other place with me,
doing her own thing, was no where to be found.

It was like I was on my own.

It occurs to me that maybe this series of dreams
is why I can't seem to sleep tonight. I haven't
had enough disappointment in my regular life,
I have to find more of it while I sleep?

I know dreams can be helpful. I know they can
help let things go, or be solved. But I don't
really see the value in these dreams, and on
top of that, the one in which I was on the train
has lingering pain attached to it.

It was like yet another person was leaving me.

As I typed that, I started to cry again.

That is probably what bothers me the most about
"A" at this point: the fact that he is yet another
in a line of guys who have chosen abruptly to pull
up stakes and leave.

How much of this can a girl take?

How much of this can THIS girl take?

There is so much irony in the situations I have
had. They all start out in a similar way, "You
are such a great person, why are you not with
someone?"

Besides the fact that it is a damn good question,
these guys all proceed to be a reason why I am
alone. Each one of the past guys could have easily
have had me. They all had my heart - which I didn't
give easily, or quickly - and yet each one of them
ultimately chose a path that didn't include me.

I have so much to offer someone. I feel like a
part of me doesn't get to be expressed when I
am not in a relationship. It's not that I need
someone, because I am clear that I don't. But
I want someone. I want someone who I can share
myself with.

I am so clear that I have so much to offer a
relationship. I am actually quite proud of
myself for how far I have come from who and how
I used to be. I am proud of the fact that I have
loved and learned as each situation has occurred.
I am proud of the fact that even when I thought
I had given up and was resigned to being alone,
that I was able to be open and find not one,
but several possibilities along the way -
each one better than the last.

But what a damn, freaking tease.

Enough already.

I suppose I would prefer what I have to a love-less,
life-less marriage that I know so many are in.
But there has to be a place somewhere in the
middle. I have often felt that I could have that.

I don't remember if I ever said this, but I was
not surprised I had been diagnosed with cancer.
I think a part of me always knew I would be. I
know that probably sounds strange. But I somehow
just knew. I even remember last winter standing in
a particular room and suddenly having a feeling
wash over me that said I wouldn't have hair this
winter.

I don't remember a lot of things. But I remember
that moment fairly clearly. It was only a few months
before I started having more obvious symptoms, and
was within 6 months of diagnosis.

I say this in part "for the record," but I also
say it because I can only hope that the part of
me that has always felt she could have that kind
of relationship that is wonderful and enduring
comes from the same place that knew that something
like cancer was going to show up.

I have to tell you, though, a part of me is scared
that I could die never having had that. And the
thought of that takes me to a great depth of
sadness that feels like a huge, gaping hole where
there is so much indescribable pain that could
never be measured. In some ways, I guess it could
possibly be described as a black hole of painful,
gut-wrenching emotion.

**

On that note, oddly now I think I can go to sleep.
My eyes are closing. I only hope that when I visit
the "United States of Dreams" tonight, I find myself
in a better place than when I was last there.

Life is challenging and sucky enough right now
without my dreams replicating what is going on
and adding to it.

A Mixed Bag

me today au naturale

As you can see something is growing up top.

I wonder if I was to get someone to cut my hair if I would feel like I could go out with a wig. The thing is there really isn't much hair at the moment, and I really hate to spend money I don't really have on getting a cut.

Although as I say that, I wonder how it would look if I also got some color. But still...it would likely not be worth the money right now.

That might all change come summer. I already was having issues today with a wig because the hair is coming back. I wore a wig cap for the first time in months today in an attempt to cover up the brunette, especially since I was wearing a blonde wig.

It is weird to see me in all of these wigs. And it is weird to see me with such short hair. In some ways, I don't know which one is me, and at the same time, they are all me. It is just a different me than what I had gotten used to. The "funny" thing is that I think I almost like the idea of the short hair. I am kinda getting used to it. I don't know if that is what I want going forward, but it is interesting to entertain it. Not that I really have a choice, LOL.

me today as a blonde

It is interesting how something that was so traumatic at first doesn't feel like such a big deal any more. At one time I wondered what it would be like to cut my hair really short, but I probably never would have done it.

Interesting how cancer gave me an opportunity to see what it would be like. (I wasn't really asking for one, though :P)

**

In other news, today my friend told me that it is the end of the road for one of his cats. The sweetest kitty has had a growth for quite some time that has gotten bigger and bigger. And she has been getting smaller and smaller. I was petting her earlier and she has gotten so boney.

Buddies Patootie & Squeek

Monday will be the day. While I have only known this sweet thing for a few years, she has touched me, and I will definitely be missing her. She is also particularly close to another cat that I suspect may feel a bit lost without her companion.

If you do Reiki, or any other form of supportive energy work, I would ask that you send the two kitties energy (Patootie and Squeek) as well as my friend, as I know this can't be easy on him for a myriad of reasons.  And while you are at it, I wouldn't mind some, too, as it does make me really sad as it touches buttons in me, too.

**

I have seen several people on Facebook posting recently about the death of loved ones, both furry and human. I also heard about the death of a brother of a childhood friend in the last few days. For something that is as constant and as "real" as death, one might think we would have a better handle on it.

I know I certainly don't look at it the same way any more. There have been times in the past several months that it would have been welcome. It is not that I would want it, not just yet. But if we are going to spend time here, I would think it best to spend it in ways that are truly living, instead of just surviving.

Watching Patootie the last several months has been interesting. She has moved about life, as though everything was just fine, even as the growth got bigger and bigger. I can't help but wonder how much of what we say and do and feel is what we create for ourselves and how much of it is truly apart of the experience we have.

I say that as I think about all of the times that I have felt like anything but myself, and wonder if there is anything I could have done differently. I suspect not, as there were so many times I would have liked to have acted like I was just fine, but really wasn't.

As usual, I have many more questions than answers. But I suspect that asking questions is a good thing. I suspect it is what keeps things going. And there truly are times that a question asked that has no answer at first, gets an answer sooner or later if it is asked enough.

I am even seeing that happening as I prepare for a talk next month. I got an interesting brainstorm today, and am intrigued by the direction that it occurs for me to take. I will be (very) curious to see what develops.

And with that mixed bag, I am done for now.

Have a good one (or two).

Trying An Experiment

I have decided in the last few days to see what
I can do to curtail my eating hours. The last
3 days I have stopped eating at 4:00.

Boy. It isn't easy. By this time of night I am
hungry as heck. The one good thing I can say
about it is that it is having me go to bed sooner,
just so I can get away from the feeling of hunger.

I decided to do this partly out of frustration.

I felt my weight was creeping up even more
lately. It didn't help that I was doing things
until late, and then would come home and eat
something.

I thought maybe there was something to the
idea that eating late wasn't necessarily a good
thing. I, of course, told myself that the bit
I was having couldn't be that bad, and besides
I hadn't eaten much the rest of the day so it
couldn't be that bad, could it?

Well. I could be wrong.

In addition, the last few nights I have been
sleeping better. I am not ready to attribute it
all to stopping eating early, but I don't know
that I can totally discount it either.

So far I have found myself dropping a bit of
weight. We shall see.

If you follow me at all you may notice that I
have the best of intentions to do things, but
so many things just fall by the side as I lose
energy or get busy with other things.

I thought about going gluten free again. The
last time I did it, it lasted about 10 days, I think.
I am not sure how I feel about being gluten free.
I think it is a good idea, but I think it is more
work, in some ways, than I can handle right
now with everything else that is going on.

Maybe if I can really make this early eating
thing a habit, I can consider adding something
else into the mix later.

Right now my stomach hurts, and I think I
have a bad case of gas because other parts of
me are uncomfortable, too.

Oh what fun.