Is blogging, working?
I am asking myself that question as I was thinking about blogging. I am not sure about working today. Once again, I am exhausted. I know I use that word a lot. Well. I am exhausted a lot too.
Before cancer, I would be tired, but nothing like this tired. And not this regularly. I really hope things even out at some point. As I say that I think to myself maybe it's not the worst thing. If I didn't feel tired I might not have down times. And even when we can do so much, maybe we aren't always meant to be doing something.
As I am typing my eyes are closing. I am not just physically depleted, I am obviously tired, too. Last night when I finally laid down, I got to a point I could barely move. I kept telling myself to move so I could do what I needed to to sleep, but it took a while for the words and motions to connect.
I spent a good part of last evening beating myself up over my talk. I expected more of myself. I felt mostly good going into it, and I had practiced, and it was nothing like what it turned out to be. And again, it occurs to me that maybe that is not such a bad thing. Maybe I said what needed to be said right then, right there, for those who were in the seats.
One thing I don't know ever got into my practices was something that stuck with one of the audience members. A friend made a video of the talk, and I made two yesterday that describe how I was feeling and my perspective. I plan to share all of it, for whatever value it might bring someone who might be watching. I know there are similarities in how we humans approach life, so I am betting at least one or two might get something from my experience and perspectives.
I will do that when I can. I need to recover. I so want to do things now. SOOO much. The urgency feeling is back. I feel like I can't do enough, fast enough. And the list is loooooong.
I know some people who talk about being bored. For a long time I couldn't understand that. I have so many interests and am all over the place much of the time. I have an endless stream of things that keep me from being bored. I once heard that bored people are boring people. I don't know if that is true. If you get bored, do you think you are boring?
I am not sure that is a fair statement, but it certainly is an interesting one.
So the last thing I will leave you with (for now, as you have to know I will be back!) is something I posted on Facebook earlier. It was something that just kinda hit me - in a good way. Maybe you will appreciate it, too:
What do my tired body, anxiety, stress and aching feet have in common? They are all things I am aware of and can feel because...I am Alive. I am very aware of the fact that if things had gone differenly, I wouldn't be ezperiencing any of those things right now.
Oh. One more last thing. I was speaking with someone at the event and before we ever got to the cancer part of the conversation she had things she wanted to express. She wasn't going to, though. She was going to be "positive" instead. I encouraged her to complain. It really wasn't so bad. And once she was done, instead of things being worse, as she feared, she felt better.
After that I told her about me, and she said she was glad that I didn't say it before her complaints as she would never have said what she did. She would have felt that she had nothing to complain about. But, she also acknowledged that complaining felt good, and that she was glad she did it. She even thanked me for the opportunity.
I tell you this for a couple of reasons. One to offer you the experience of the power of speaking what you are really feeling instead of denying it. And two, to be careful about denying your reality in the face of someone else's.
We have gotten to an interesting point in our culture. Many will talk about how much worse someone else may have it as a way to give perspective. Perspective is one thing, but denial is another. You can acknowledge how someone may have it worse without denying the experience of your own emotions and circumstances. Maybe the empowerment part isn't so much in the denial as much as it can prevent you from wallowing in it for any length of time.
Something to chew on perhaps?
Have a great week.
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