I decided to post something on Facebook. That way, maybe I would be the recipient of some good thoughts and energies. I figured it certainly could not hurt.
What I wrote surprised me:
If there is anyone out there that sees this and cares, I am having a horrid night. I am in so much pain. I can't get comfortable. Side effects are many, and getting worse. I have been crying, unable to do anything else. I am so weak. Have chills. Cough. Hack my brains out, actually. All I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is disappear to the world, even if for just a little while. I hate chemo. I hate the toll it takes on me. I hate what it does to me, and what it steals from me. Thank you for listening and any good thoughts you might send my way.
The surprise came in talking about chemo. I have tried from the beginning to see chemo as a "friend," an "ally." I have tried to see it as a good thing. I stay away from the idea that it is a poison, and other horrid things people say about it. (Ironically, the ones who often say the most about it are usually those who have never had to make the choices and decisions I have had to make).
I suddenly was saying I HATE chemo. I guess my true feelings came out. In thinking about it, it makes sense that I would hate it. It would make a lot of sense.
I fucking hate chemo.
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