I Can't Do Everything I Want, How I Want, but...

This clip is from the movie Facing the Giants:

While this clip could make a case for how effective a coach can be in helping you meeting and/or exceeding your goals, it also is representative of something that Kyle Cease talked about this weekend.  He was talking about how our mind is an interesting thing in terms of how it deals with time and what is possible.

He had quoted an experiment in which 2 people were involved.  One had only a short period of sleep and the other 8 hours (I believe).  When they were awakened, the one who had had the short amount of sleep was told he had had 8 hours of sleep.  The one who had the 8 hours was told he only had the short amount of sleep of the other one.  

The two based what they felt on how much sleep they perceived themselves to have.  The one who had gotten the 8 hours was tired, and his eyes bloodshot.  The one with just a few hours was wide awake and feeling good.  Then...they were told the truth.  Apparently their demeanors reversed, and the bloodshot eyes were transferred to the other person.

Kyle also shared about how he was running one day and decided to keep telling himself that he had just started.  He wound up running longer/farther than he usually did.  He then had someone in our group get up on stage and do push-ups.  It was someone who had been in the military so he was able to do around 50 before he had to stop.  Over the course of a period of time, Kyle had him continue to go on stage and do more pushups followed by a break.  By the time he was done, he had completed nearly 200.  He had never done that many in one day.

Things like this make me think.  I found myself wondering about what is "real" in terms of what is possible with the feelings of the physical body.  I was feeling so tired and so sick, especially the first couple of days.   I wondered if I would have been able to alter the way I felt, or if there are just times that things are "the way they are."  As I wondered that, Kyle mentioned how he hadn't been feeling well, but altered his conversation around his circumstances, and wound up feeling much better as a result.

I would imagine there is more possible than we realize.  How much more, I do not know.  At the same time, I would imagine if one is willing to let another push them, it might just mean a result that exceeds expectations.  One of the keys, though, may be to keep part of your mind in the dark so that it doesn't have the ability to make something mean something that could limit you.

This may be something for me to play with at some point.  Although yesterday might have been something of proof of what is possible, as I probably only got an hour of sleep in a 24 hour period and still more than managed to get through what I needed to.  I wound up crashing afterward, though; so I am not sure how to register the results in totality.  But it does seem that there are times that things that don't otherwise seem possible do occur, despite what the mind may believe.

Makes me wonder what role being sick plays.  After all, it is a time we sometimes have to put everything on hold and focus on ourselves.  It might just be we need that.  But it also makes me wonder what is possible.  Maybe there are times we might be able to handle what we need to without being stopped.

The first day of my Vegas trip I wrote on Facebook that I didn't know if what I was doing was stupid, determined, or desperation or some eclectic cocktail of the above.  I said that because I was really pushing myself.  Given how sick I felt, I was hoping I wasn't making matters worse, since I wasn't a "healthy" person's sick.  I had heard of people who had chemo winding up in the hospital with some serious things.  

It took everything I had to be there.  It felt important for me to be there.  Even though I didn't feel great, I suppose things could have been a lot worse.  So maybe it was an instance where I had to just plow through, and my mind had no choice but to cooperate.  At the same time, I did what I could to take care of myself outside of the seminar, and reluctantly went to the doctor again the day before my trip, just so I could do what I could to manage what I felt.

There is every reason I could have stayed home.  For some there may have been every reason to stay home.  However I am glad that I managed to go.  I am sure the things that occurred will be trickling into my consciousness and experience over time.  So much of what Kyle said not only resonated for me, but was also things I have thought and said.  It was incredible to have such affirmation of things I have felt.   Now I just have to figure out how to implement them in a way that helps me make money/make a living.

I also have to figure out how much of a reality chemo and its effects still have in my life and experience.  I so wanted to act like everything was fine.  I want to do that every day.  The thing is, it isn't as fine as I would like.  I can't do everything I want, how I want.  

But maybe I can still do more than I think.

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A Chapter Ends

Just in time for a holiday called "Thanks" giving,

my chemo rounds have officially ended.

I am feeling sad.

I am writing this as I get the last 30 minutes of

the last dose.  The woman next to me was crying.

It was hard to tell why.

It reminded me of my first chemo back in July.

It reminded me of how emotional it was.  I, too,

was in tears.  I was overwhelmed.  I was scared.

So much fear.  So much uncertainty.  

A long road was ahead of me.  

I had more questions than answers.

Questions that I didn't know would 

need to be addressed weren't even

"born" yet.

I had hoped to be one of "those" who would fly

through chemo miraculously without any ill effect.

If you have been following along, you know

that that wasn't/hasn't been the case.  Even

as I walk away today, I have chemo fog/brain

affecting me.

I thought I had, in some way, dealt with it.  

Today, though, as I spoke with someone who 

is supposed to help me with its effects, I began

to cry.

I am frustrated by the mental me that I seem

to have misplaced.  I won't say lost, even 

though a part of me wants to.  I won't say 

lost because signals point to the possibility

of a return.  Of course the wording is cautious

and guarded.  But there is promise.

It is just going to take time, and effort.

Apparently, I can cope with this, but it is

not something that can be dealt with in a

passive way.  It is going to take a special

effort on my part.  

*oh goody*

I seems like an opportunity, but just like

my hair situation, I miss the "original"

version and can only hope that it will

either be restored to its former self,

or come back even better.

Apparently all of the things that I 

described are common for those who

go through chemo, and are mentally

affected.  Mentally challenged might

be more appropriate.

But apparently there are ways to

compensate.  It just makes me feel

inferior and deficient in some way.

I *should* be able to pull things out

of my head, just like I have done in 

the past.  That fact that I don't have

that ability sucks more than you

might know, or realize.

From what the therapist says, I

should be able to reconnect to 

what is there.  The hypnotist in

me wonders about the possibilities.

It is amazing what people can

remember under hypnosis - things 

they had long since " forgotten."

I may have to experiment.

Along with my whole long list of

other things...including trying to

figure out how to get back in

business.

So...

Regardless of what does or does

not happen next, I must consider

this chapter concluded.   cancer

(I know it is the beginning of a

sentence...I just will not capitalize

it.  I will not give it "that" level of

importance.) came for a visit, 

and it is no longer welcome to 

stay.  

I kept trying to remember tonight

that chemo was my friend.  I am

really not sure about how that came

out in the grand scheme of things,

however I did not see it in the same

way most do.  I am guessing my

hypnosis had a lot to do with that.

While chemo left me affected, I 

never once went to "blame" chemo.

If I felt badly, I felt badly.  It sucked.

And eventually the feeling left.

This time has been a lot of ups and

downs.  I am not sure I ever have had

a greater personal rollercoaster.  I

hope never to have another ride that

even faintly resembles what I have

been through.

I just have to plan on the pet scan

reporting good news.  This next time,

and each and every time after that.

I can be one that is one and done.

There are some who are that, why

couldn't I be one of those some?

I keep feeling like I should be more

happy.  Or more relieved. Or more...

something of something that I am not.

But all I am is tired.

Meeting a number of people lately

that have had long term treatments

and returns certainly did not help.

At the same time, I have met all 

kinds of people.  People who were

given no hope by doctors in other

places, but nothing but hope and

recovery at the place I go.

I have learned an important lesson

in all of this, and that is that

people with a diagnosis of cancer

are...are you ready for this?...

people.

They have hopes and emotions and

feelings and concerns just like

anyone else.   They are not contagious,

and can be some of the nicest people

you will ever meet, if you are willing

to interact with, and talk to, them.

There is nothing special one needs to

say or do.  As a matter of fact, the

most special thing that a non-cancer 

person could do for someone diagnosed

is to treat him/her normally.   At least

that is the case in my experience, and 

in the experience of some of those that 

I  have had the good fortune to meet.

My awkwardness in that regard has

totally disappeared.  What a gift to be

able to see these beautiful people for

who they are without me limiting or

defining them by a filter called "cancer."

What a wonderful thing 

to be grateful for as a 

New Chapter Begins.

And the Machine Goes... (Images)

Trying to do anything today is difficult.  

Not only am I tired, my body aches.

Besides chemo, yesterday took a lot out

of me.  It is taking all that I have to do

anything, and at least give myself the

illusion that I am moving forward.

There were a few things that I had 

intended to do, and hadn't yet...so I am

working on getting them done.  

(So NOT wanting to do a damn thing,

though, other than bury my head in 

my bed.)

One of them is some pictures I said I

would post.  In the picture above you 

can see the "cocktail" that they had for

me that day.  Quite a few things they

give as you can tell by the number of

bags hanging from that pole, hooked

up to the "chemo dispenser."

They always offer to tell me what is 

in it, but for some reason, I don't want

to know.  I just tell them to do it.  I

know that there are 2 different chemos,

but that is the extent of my knowledge.

Maybe I should know more?  Maybe

I should want to know more?  I don't

know.  Maybe I know as much as I

can handle at the moment.

As you can see, I don't exactly look

happy in the above image.  I was also

feeling very tired.  It had been a long,

slightly frustrating day.  I imagine

I looked a bit different after it was 

over and I was hypnoblissed out, and

got to go home.

(Side note:  I have read about how 

some talk about the sound of the 

machine that gives chemo.  I hadn't

really thought about it, and had to 

really think about it, to know what

the person was referring to.  When

I go into the hypnotic state, it is

nothing I hear/pay attention to.  I

can't imagine what it would be like

to pay attention to the sound.  It is

a consistent click, click, click except

for when it beeps for some reason,

and then it beeps, beeps, beeps 

until it is attended to.)

As you can also see, I try my best to

look my best when I go.  Maybe it is

part of the mental game I play.  The 

worse I think I look, the worse I tend 

to feel.

One more to go.

I so hope it is the last one for me 

forever and ever and ever and ever.

Amen.

IF everything has/is a vibration...

I am now much calmer than I was before.

I am also feeling number.

Maybe it is just that I am tired.

But the thing is, that I have had a thought
that has wandered around my brain for a
bit today and I wanted to get it out, before
it gets lost.

This thought has to do with the chemo.

Chemo is about death.  It goes around
one's body, and kills off cells, and it
doesn't discriminate.  It could be a cancer
cell, or it could be an innocent cell that
wants nothing more than to nourish me
and do its thing.

If there is any "truth" to a vibrational
experience of the world by the vibrations
we are around, then it is incredible to
consider that one who walks around with
this vibration of death would be in any
state other than that one.

Every time I go for treatment, they ask
me if I am depressed.  That tells me that
there is a good chance that there are others
like me going through this emotional
cr*p.  I wanted to say "stuff," but that
doesn't seem to do it for me.

Sometimes you really just gotta use the
words that fit, not the ones that sound
more appropriate/proper.

This is big time cr*p.

And it is amazing to me how many people
tell me how it is for them and others they
know, comparing it to me an my situation,
and do it in a way that is somehow
supposed to make me feel better.

The thing is, I really feel incapable of
dealing with things a lot of the time.  I
really feel like the chemo has messed
with my mind and my ability to function.

I really feel like this is NOT like everyone
else's pains and considerations and...

Not to take away from anyone in regard
to anything...but it is soooo not the same,
and trying to tell me that it is somehow
the same soooo does not help.

I know people want to help.  If not to
help me, at least to help themselves.  I
understand.  I really, truly do.

Before this, I was there, too, if I wasn't
avoiding it all together.

There has to be a better way to respond
and deal with this.  There has to be a better
way for us to interact with others.

I don't want to scare people off from
interacting with me.  At the same time,
I am sure I do - and if the topic of cancer
doesn't do it, the topics of my last few
blogs certainly can't be helping.

As a society we don't seem to want to
deal with the things that aren't somehow
"OK."  It is easier to stay away from those
things and people than it is to wade into
the waters and do what we can for them.

At the same time, it is those times that
people who need help, need it the most.
It seems ironic to me that it seems the
easiest to turn our back on someone
who needs help when they most need it.

I heard someone on a video earlier saying
something to the effect if you are around
someone who is down, you are likely to
feel down.  If you are around someone
who is up, you are likely to feel up.

I found myself wondering about this.
At first, it sorta sounds like it makes sense.

But when I think about it, it doesn't really.

If I am down and you are up, how do
either one of us know which direction
either one, or both of us, will go?

Maybe you would bring me up.  Maybe
neither one of us would change.  Of course,
I could bring you down, potentially, if we
explored the possibilities fully.

It makes me wonder if the thing that "nudges"
us in a direction is where we are in relation
to something. If what I am down about is
something you can relate to, maybe it will
bring you down as you identify with it.

Maybe you going down has nothing to do
with me, and everything to do with the things
that you have to deal with?

Maybe if we talk, and you bring me up, it
is because I can find something in how you
are and what you say that I can relate to, and
when I focus on it, things change.  And, it
has nothing really to do with you.

Maybe all we are is just conduits for each
other, and we just choose which things we
want to make connections with by the actions
we take.

And...given what I know of our unconscious
mind and its desire for comfort, it is not the
least bit surprising we would want to stay away
from those things least familiar and known,
and therefore the most uncomfortable.

So...

I guess the best we can hope for is that when
we see each other and our situations we see
something more than the things that trigger us.

Maybe that is when we truly connect, and 
maybe that is what brings us out at our best?

**

I am so tired.  Maybe I will go back to sleep.
What are the odds the world will look better
when I wake up?

Inspired Creativity

I really need to be going to sleep.

It has been a long day.

But first I wanted to share...

Earlier today I was talking to a friend
about "things."  This friend is trying
to figure out ways that we may be
able to help each other.

She is in the process of writing a book,
and happened, almost off-handedly, to
mention that she needs a cover for it.

She told me how she had asked others
to see what they might come up with,
but no one had done anything.  And
asked if I wanted to give it a shot, as
she has enjoyed the artistic work that
I have done.

I was a bit leery of trying to create what
she had in mind.  I have been creative
on occasion, but I wasn't sure about
creating something "on demand."

However I have been wanting to be
creative, and after she described what
she wanted, I figured I would give it
a shot.  I had nothing to lose.  Worst
case: she wouldn't like it.

After we got done talking, I got to
work.  I had something drawn pretty
quickly.  I then scanned it so I could
work on it in Photoshop.

When I do things in Photoshop, magic
happens when I play with the filters and
effects.  I often do not know what the
end result will be.  Many times it will
start out one way and become something
else - something I did not envision when
I began.

I had a feeling in mind when I started
to color things in.  And while it looked
OK, I started to fiddle with the filters,
and found myself with something that
I thought was amazing.

When I shared it with her, it turns out
that I included an element that she hadn't
even mentioned (she had forgotten to).

The more I look at the image, the more
symbolism that I see that was not
consciously intended/created.  The
image seems like it was created for ME.

I really feel inspired by it.

Given the nature of what she is writing
about, I will be even more thrilled if it
in some way inspires those who see it.
However I think it transcends the
particular subject of her writing.

I can't wait to share it.

Can you tell I am excited?

This leaves me wondering what to "do"
with this information.  Anything that
requires me to consciously use my brain
these days is VERY difficult.  It seems
as though those things done with my
right, creative, intuitive brain are done
with such incredible ease.

Problem is, we live in a world dominated
by the left, logical brain.

I don't want to end on a down note, so
I am just gonna say Yippie, Yahoo!

So VERY cool.