Feeling Down

I had intended to go to bed by now.

Obviously, it did not happen.

I was thinking about the word "depressed."

I was thinking that I could say I was
depressed, but also got to thinking that
that is likely not accurate.  I then thought
that it is quite likely that the word is over
used, and its meaning diluted.

After all, depression is something that
transcends a moment of being down,
even if it is a pretty long moment, like
tonight has been.

I suppose I "should" be happy.  It looks
like chemo is over.  The thing is, I need
the upcoming pet scan to agree.

Another thing is there are so many things
floating through my head.  There are things
I have yet to share publicly, and these are
things that at times weigh on me greatly.

If you have any awareness of what has been
going on with me, you already know of
several weights.  As I say this, I find it
interesting that I have put on some of the
weight that I lost during this time.

Is there a correlation?
I think it a good question.

I am very much in my head at the moment,
and I think it has me a bit numb.  At the
same time, I have tears that are stinging my
eyes at the moment.

I have also been thinking about circumstances
and their "ability" to influence how we feel
about things.  Of course they really don't have
an ability to do that, but it sure does seem that
way - especially when the circumstances are
uncomfortable and not going the way we want
them to go.

I need to earn money.

I also need to get myself back.

I also need to get healthy.

I feel overwhelmed.

I wish I had someone beside me during this
time.  It would be nice to have someone who
I could cuddle up with and forget about the
things that concern me.

Such a loaded topic this is, and not one to
get into right now.  I wouldn't be able to
handle it.

As I say that I am reminded about a conversation
I had with an aunt once.  We were talking about
the things in her life that bothered her.  She said
she couldn't talk about them, afraid that it would
kill her.

This particular aunt has had several heart attacks.
Makes me wonder if what might be "killing" her
is her inability to express those things that are of
a concern and pain to her.

I know I will one day express the things that are
present for me out loud. Kinda interesting living
my life so publicly these days.  I guess I don't
yet feel like I want to talk about everything in
the public arena.

But I know it will come.  I am sure it is inevitable.
Just as it was inevitable for me to get to this point.

I am feeling really sad.  Oddly enough I think the
sadness is a layer that covers anger.  Anger.  Not
something I have spoken much about.  Likely that
is because I have never been one who has dealt
with anger very well.

I don't think I ever felt like I was allowed to be
angry.  If I was angry then I might scare off those
who would be friends and/or people who could
help me.   I have often smiled in the midst of
great pain because I did not know how to handle
it.

Once I went on a "date" (if you could call it that)
with someone who constantly smiled.  It was a
bit too much.  It didn't seem genuine.  Something
about it felt off to me.

We only went out once.

Just to be fair, it wasn't necessarily my choice.
I think he wasn't interested in pursuing things,
but didn't say, rather letting his actions speak.
At the same time, I wasn't disappointed, as I
really wasn't sure I was interested, either.

But the whole point was that something didn't
feel right.  I wonder how many times things
haven't felt right to those around me because
I just smiled when I might have wanted to be
something quite the opposite.

I also wonder what those times have cost me
in mind, body and soul currencies.

I knew when I started this blog I wasn't going
to put a happy face on.  I didn't know what my
face would be, but I wasn't going to be something
I was not.

How much of who we are is something we can
"control," and how much is just a part of the
hills we must traverse in the road of life?

One of my sisters may be with me when I get
my pet scan results.  Thing is I don't even know
if I want her there.  I am fairly certain she isn't
too happy with me at the moment, as we haven't
spoken in a bit.  She often thinks I should be
some way I am not.

When I posted recently about contradictions,
I got some interesting responses.  The one thing
that I mentioned in one of my comments was
that I wasn't looking to be perfect, just more
aware.

I say this because I am sure you have noticed
I have issues with my family.  For as much as
I would like for them to be resolved, I don't
know how best to deal with them.  For a while
I even thought the fact that I didn't talk to some
of my relatives was a good thing:  at least I
didn't have to deal with it.

By interacting with them, I have to deal with
things that I haven't a clue how to get past.
For any problem solvers out there, please know
I am not looking for your thoughts or help.

I am sure it would be great.  The thing is that
I am where I am, and if there comes a time
that I am willing and able to move past this I
will either find my way or I will seek out help.

I think we all too often try to fix things.  Maybe
sometimes they are meant to be broken.  Maybe
when they are broken we learn things.  Maybe
they force us to see things we would not otherwise.

We sometimes try to push things down only to
have them come up in force.  The stronger the
reaction, the more we are likely to learn from it,
and remember what happened.

Not that I consciously want an explosion.  But
the fact is I am stuck.  And in my overwhelmed
state I cannot deal with it.   The fact is that in
my overwhelmed state, a part of me will not
deal with it, as it is just too much.

The family I stayed with all treated me well when
I was there.  The irony is that they treated me like
everything was OK, which is what I have said I
have wanted.  It is ironic because I found it odd
that my situation wasn't discussed.  It was almost
like it was ignored.  At least that is the way it felt.

If things don't change soon, I am going to really
need help financially and a place to live, and
I haven't a clue who or where I will be able to
turn for help.

*Good*
(I will explain this piece later)

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IF everything has/is a vibration...

I am now much calmer than I was before.

I am also feeling number.

Maybe it is just that I am tired.

But the thing is, that I have had a thought
that has wandered around my brain for a
bit today and I wanted to get it out, before
it gets lost.

This thought has to do with the chemo.

Chemo is about death.  It goes around
one's body, and kills off cells, and it
doesn't discriminate.  It could be a cancer
cell, or it could be an innocent cell that
wants nothing more than to nourish me
and do its thing.

If there is any "truth" to a vibrational
experience of the world by the vibrations
we are around, then it is incredible to
consider that one who walks around with
this vibration of death would be in any
state other than that one.

Every time I go for treatment, they ask
me if I am depressed.  That tells me that
there is a good chance that there are others
like me going through this emotional
cr*p.  I wanted to say "stuff," but that
doesn't seem to do it for me.

Sometimes you really just gotta use the
words that fit, not the ones that sound
more appropriate/proper.

This is big time cr*p.

And it is amazing to me how many people
tell me how it is for them and others they
know, comparing it to me an my situation,
and do it in a way that is somehow
supposed to make me feel better.

The thing is, I really feel incapable of
dealing with things a lot of the time.  I
really feel like the chemo has messed
with my mind and my ability to function.

I really feel like this is NOT like everyone
else's pains and considerations and...

Not to take away from anyone in regard
to anything...but it is soooo not the same,
and trying to tell me that it is somehow
the same soooo does not help.

I know people want to help.  If not to
help me, at least to help themselves.  I
understand.  I really, truly do.

Before this, I was there, too, if I wasn't
avoiding it all together.

There has to be a better way to respond
and deal with this.  There has to be a better
way for us to interact with others.

I don't want to scare people off from
interacting with me.  At the same time,
I am sure I do - and if the topic of cancer
doesn't do it, the topics of my last few
blogs certainly can't be helping.

As a society we don't seem to want to
deal with the things that aren't somehow
"OK."  It is easier to stay away from those
things and people than it is to wade into
the waters and do what we can for them.

At the same time, it is those times that
people who need help, need it the most.
It seems ironic to me that it seems the
easiest to turn our back on someone
who needs help when they most need it.

I heard someone on a video earlier saying
something to the effect if you are around
someone who is down, you are likely to
feel down.  If you are around someone
who is up, you are likely to feel up.

I found myself wondering about this.
At first, it sorta sounds like it makes sense.

But when I think about it, it doesn't really.

If I am down and you are up, how do
either one of us know which direction
either one, or both of us, will go?

Maybe you would bring me up.  Maybe
neither one of us would change.  Of course,
I could bring you down, potentially, if we
explored the possibilities fully.

It makes me wonder if the thing that "nudges"
us in a direction is where we are in relation
to something. If what I am down about is
something you can relate to, maybe it will
bring you down as you identify with it.

Maybe you going down has nothing to do
with me, and everything to do with the things
that you have to deal with?

Maybe if we talk, and you bring me up, it
is because I can find something in how you
are and what you say that I can relate to, and
when I focus on it, things change.  And, it
has nothing really to do with you.

Maybe all we are is just conduits for each
other, and we just choose which things we
want to make connections with by the actions
we take.

And...given what I know of our unconscious
mind and its desire for comfort, it is not the
least bit surprising we would want to stay away
from those things least familiar and known,
and therefore the most uncomfortable.

So...

I guess the best we can hope for is that when
we see each other and our situations we see
something more than the things that trigger us.

Maybe that is when we truly connect, and 
maybe that is what brings us out at our best?

**

I am so tired.  Maybe I will go back to sleep.
What are the odds the world will look better
when I wake up?