Feeling Down

I had intended to go to bed by now.

Obviously, it did not happen.

I was thinking about the word "depressed."

I was thinking that I could say I was
depressed, but also got to thinking that
that is likely not accurate.  I then thought
that it is quite likely that the word is over
used, and its meaning diluted.

After all, depression is something that
transcends a moment of being down,
even if it is a pretty long moment, like
tonight has been.

I suppose I "should" be happy.  It looks
like chemo is over.  The thing is, I need
the upcoming pet scan to agree.

Another thing is there are so many things
floating through my head.  There are things
I have yet to share publicly, and these are
things that at times weigh on me greatly.

If you have any awareness of what has been
going on with me, you already know of
several weights.  As I say this, I find it
interesting that I have put on some of the
weight that I lost during this time.

Is there a correlation?
I think it a good question.

I am very much in my head at the moment,
and I think it has me a bit numb.  At the
same time, I have tears that are stinging my
eyes at the moment.

I have also been thinking about circumstances
and their "ability" to influence how we feel
about things.  Of course they really don't have
an ability to do that, but it sure does seem that
way - especially when the circumstances are
uncomfortable and not going the way we want
them to go.

I need to earn money.

I also need to get myself back.

I also need to get healthy.

I feel overwhelmed.

I wish I had someone beside me during this
time.  It would be nice to have someone who
I could cuddle up with and forget about the
things that concern me.

Such a loaded topic this is, and not one to
get into right now.  I wouldn't be able to
handle it.

As I say that I am reminded about a conversation
I had with an aunt once.  We were talking about
the things in her life that bothered her.  She said
she couldn't talk about them, afraid that it would
kill her.

This particular aunt has had several heart attacks.
Makes me wonder if what might be "killing" her
is her inability to express those things that are of
a concern and pain to her.

I know I will one day express the things that are
present for me out loud. Kinda interesting living
my life so publicly these days.  I guess I don't
yet feel like I want to talk about everything in
the public arena.

But I know it will come.  I am sure it is inevitable.
Just as it was inevitable for me to get to this point.

I am feeling really sad.  Oddly enough I think the
sadness is a layer that covers anger.  Anger.  Not
something I have spoken much about.  Likely that
is because I have never been one who has dealt
with anger very well.

I don't think I ever felt like I was allowed to be
angry.  If I was angry then I might scare off those
who would be friends and/or people who could
help me.   I have often smiled in the midst of
great pain because I did not know how to handle
it.

Once I went on a "date" (if you could call it that)
with someone who constantly smiled.  It was a
bit too much.  It didn't seem genuine.  Something
about it felt off to me.

We only went out once.

Just to be fair, it wasn't necessarily my choice.
I think he wasn't interested in pursuing things,
but didn't say, rather letting his actions speak.
At the same time, I wasn't disappointed, as I
really wasn't sure I was interested, either.

But the whole point was that something didn't
feel right.  I wonder how many times things
haven't felt right to those around me because
I just smiled when I might have wanted to be
something quite the opposite.

I also wonder what those times have cost me
in mind, body and soul currencies.

I knew when I started this blog I wasn't going
to put a happy face on.  I didn't know what my
face would be, but I wasn't going to be something
I was not.

How much of who we are is something we can
"control," and how much is just a part of the
hills we must traverse in the road of life?

One of my sisters may be with me when I get
my pet scan results.  Thing is I don't even know
if I want her there.  I am fairly certain she isn't
too happy with me at the moment, as we haven't
spoken in a bit.  She often thinks I should be
some way I am not.

When I posted recently about contradictions,
I got some interesting responses.  The one thing
that I mentioned in one of my comments was
that I wasn't looking to be perfect, just more
aware.

I say this because I am sure you have noticed
I have issues with my family.  For as much as
I would like for them to be resolved, I don't
know how best to deal with them.  For a while
I even thought the fact that I didn't talk to some
of my relatives was a good thing:  at least I
didn't have to deal with it.

By interacting with them, I have to deal with
things that I haven't a clue how to get past.
For any problem solvers out there, please know
I am not looking for your thoughts or help.

I am sure it would be great.  The thing is that
I am where I am, and if there comes a time
that I am willing and able to move past this I
will either find my way or I will seek out help.

I think we all too often try to fix things.  Maybe
sometimes they are meant to be broken.  Maybe
when they are broken we learn things.  Maybe
they force us to see things we would not otherwise.

We sometimes try to push things down only to
have them come up in force.  The stronger the
reaction, the more we are likely to learn from it,
and remember what happened.

Not that I consciously want an explosion.  But
the fact is I am stuck.  And in my overwhelmed
state I cannot deal with it.   The fact is that in
my overwhelmed state, a part of me will not
deal with it, as it is just too much.

The family I stayed with all treated me well when
I was there.  The irony is that they treated me like
everything was OK, which is what I have said I
have wanted.  It is ironic because I found it odd
that my situation wasn't discussed.  It was almost
like it was ignored.  At least that is the way it felt.

If things don't change soon, I am going to really
need help financially and a place to live, and
I haven't a clue who or where I will be able to
turn for help.

*Good*
(I will explain this piece later)

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A Chapter Ends

Just in time for a holiday called "Thanks" giving,

my chemo rounds have officially ended.

I am feeling sad.

I am writing this as I get the last 30 minutes of

the last dose.  The woman next to me was crying.

It was hard to tell why.

It reminded me of my first chemo back in July.

It reminded me of how emotional it was.  I, too,

was in tears.  I was overwhelmed.  I was scared.

So much fear.  So much uncertainty.  

A long road was ahead of me.  

I had more questions than answers.

Questions that I didn't know would 

need to be addressed weren't even

"born" yet.

I had hoped to be one of "those" who would fly

through chemo miraculously without any ill effect.

If you have been following along, you know

that that wasn't/hasn't been the case.  Even

as I walk away today, I have chemo fog/brain

affecting me.

I thought I had, in some way, dealt with it.  

Today, though, as I spoke with someone who 

is supposed to help me with its effects, I began

to cry.

I am frustrated by the mental me that I seem

to have misplaced.  I won't say lost, even 

though a part of me wants to.  I won't say 

lost because signals point to the possibility

of a return.  Of course the wording is cautious

and guarded.  But there is promise.

It is just going to take time, and effort.

Apparently, I can cope with this, but it is

not something that can be dealt with in a

passive way.  It is going to take a special

effort on my part.  

*oh goody*

I seems like an opportunity, but just like

my hair situation, I miss the "original"

version and can only hope that it will

either be restored to its former self,

or come back even better.

Apparently all of the things that I 

described are common for those who

go through chemo, and are mentally

affected.  Mentally challenged might

be more appropriate.

But apparently there are ways to

compensate.  It just makes me feel

inferior and deficient in some way.

I *should* be able to pull things out

of my head, just like I have done in 

the past.  That fact that I don't have

that ability sucks more than you

might know, or realize.

From what the therapist says, I

should be able to reconnect to 

what is there.  The hypnotist in

me wonders about the possibilities.

It is amazing what people can

remember under hypnosis - things 

they had long since " forgotten."

I may have to experiment.

Along with my whole long list of

other things...including trying to

figure out how to get back in

business.

So...

Regardless of what does or does

not happen next, I must consider

this chapter concluded.   cancer

(I know it is the beginning of a

sentence...I just will not capitalize

it.  I will not give it "that" level of

importance.) came for a visit, 

and it is no longer welcome to 

stay.  

I kept trying to remember tonight

that chemo was my friend.  I am

really not sure about how that came

out in the grand scheme of things,

however I did not see it in the same

way most do.  I am guessing my

hypnosis had a lot to do with that.

While chemo left me affected, I 

never once went to "blame" chemo.

If I felt badly, I felt badly.  It sucked.

And eventually the feeling left.

This time has been a lot of ups and

downs.  I am not sure I ever have had

a greater personal rollercoaster.  I

hope never to have another ride that

even faintly resembles what I have

been through.

I just have to plan on the pet scan

reporting good news.  This next time,

and each and every time after that.

I can be one that is one and done.

There are some who are that, why

couldn't I be one of those some?

I keep feeling like I should be more

happy.  Or more relieved. Or more...

something of something that I am not.

But all I am is tired.

Meeting a number of people lately

that have had long term treatments

and returns certainly did not help.

At the same time, I have met all 

kinds of people.  People who were

given no hope by doctors in other

places, but nothing but hope and

recovery at the place I go.

I have learned an important lesson

in all of this, and that is that

people with a diagnosis of cancer

are...are you ready for this?...

people.

They have hopes and emotions and

feelings and concerns just like

anyone else.   They are not contagious,

and can be some of the nicest people

you will ever meet, if you are willing

to interact with, and talk to, them.

There is nothing special one needs to

say or do.  As a matter of fact, the

most special thing that a non-cancer 

person could do for someone diagnosed

is to treat him/her normally.   At least

that is the case in my experience, and 

in the experience of some of those that 

I  have had the good fortune to meet.

My awkwardness in that regard has

totally disappeared.  What a gift to be

able to see these beautiful people for

who they are without me limiting or

defining them by a filter called "cancer."

What a wonderful thing 

to be grateful for as a 

New Chapter Begins.