Craving Chocolate (Recipe)

Feeling anxious and distracted and tired.

It has been a long day.  I was on the phone
for several hours with various people.

So what I am to do?

I am going to share a recipe with you.

At one point I had bought store bought puddings.
I knew it wasn't the best choice, especially since
I had a recipe for some delicious pudding.

I have been craving chocolate the last few days,
and I was trying to find the recipe, and couldn't
seem to find it.  I think I was able to find it again
with a web search.  I am pretty sure it is the same
one, but it came out differently tonight.

I am fairly sure I made it differently last time, too.

I often change recipes, trying to make them with
ingredients that lean in the "healthier" direction.
The original recipe calls for regular, whole milk
(not thrilled about the hormones, for one thing)
and semi sweet chocolate (not thrilled about the
soy lecithin, for another thing).

So I substituted the whole milk with almond milk
and the semi sweet chocolate with cocoa powder.
From what I see online an "accurate" substitute
includes some oil and sugar, but I wasn't interested
in adding those ingredients, so I just added the
amount of cocoa.  Well, at least close enough.
I managed to spill a bunch as I was putting it in
so I had to guess at how much to replace it with.

It is a relatively easy recipe to make that serves
6, and can stick around for 3 days.  I am thinking
about seeing how it freezes.

So here is the recipe:

Combine 1/4 c. of cornstarch, 1/2 c. of sugar and
1/8 t. of salt in a double boiler.  Slowly mix in
3 c. of almond milk.  Place over simmering water.

In 15-20 minutes, or when it has thickened/coats
a spoon, add 1/4 c+1/8 c of cocoa powder.
Continue to cook/stir up to another 5 minutes.

Remove from the heat and add 1 t. of vanilla.

To minimize lumping, I mixed the cornstarch with
a bit of water before adding it to the other
ingredients.

It will develop a skin when you refrigerate it,
unless you cover it with some plastic.

If you want to have a more "proper" semi sweet
chocolate substitute, add 4 T. of oil and 1/4 c+
1/8 c+1T of sugar with the cocoa addition.  If
you rather use semi sweet chocolate, it would
be 6 oz.

I imagine it is probably incredibly yummy made
with the richest/"real" ingredients.  But I am
quite happy with it as described above.  It isn't
very sweet at all.   I would imagine you could
even try it the way the recipe is above and just
mix in more sugar if you want it sweeter.

So there you go.

Sweet chocolate dreams for you.

Tired...

So this weekend has been busy and emotional.

I am beyond tired, and yet I am still up.

I posted something on FB earlier about my
mother after seeing so many postings about how
great mothers are.  I said I was just thinking
out loud.  I said that it wasn't necessary for
anyone to address or fix.

And then someone went to try to address it.

I get that people care about me, and it makes
me think that I shouldn't think out loud.  But
I want to give a voice to what I am feeling.

Does it need to be public?

I keep thinking it is helpful
to others potentially
when I share.

I also mentioned I gotta deal with things with
my mom one of these days.  I have been
contemplating calling her and asking her why
she hasn't offered any help, or even asked if
I needed help.

I just haven't gotten there yet.

Perhaps tomorrow will be the day.

A Chapter Ends

Just in time for a holiday called "Thanks" giving,

my chemo rounds have officially ended.

I am feeling sad.

I am writing this as I get the last 30 minutes of

the last dose.  The woman next to me was crying.

It was hard to tell why.

It reminded me of my first chemo back in July.

It reminded me of how emotional it was.  I, too,

was in tears.  I was overwhelmed.  I was scared.

So much fear.  So much uncertainty.  

A long road was ahead of me.  

I had more questions than answers.

Questions that I didn't know would 

need to be addressed weren't even

"born" yet.

I had hoped to be one of "those" who would fly

through chemo miraculously without any ill effect.

If you have been following along, you know

that that wasn't/hasn't been the case.  Even

as I walk away today, I have chemo fog/brain

affecting me.

I thought I had, in some way, dealt with it.  

Today, though, as I spoke with someone who 

is supposed to help me with its effects, I began

to cry.

I am frustrated by the mental me that I seem

to have misplaced.  I won't say lost, even 

though a part of me wants to.  I won't say 

lost because signals point to the possibility

of a return.  Of course the wording is cautious

and guarded.  But there is promise.

It is just going to take time, and effort.

Apparently, I can cope with this, but it is

not something that can be dealt with in a

passive way.  It is going to take a special

effort on my part.  

*oh goody*

I seems like an opportunity, but just like

my hair situation, I miss the "original"

version and can only hope that it will

either be restored to its former self,

or come back even better.

Apparently all of the things that I 

described are common for those who

go through chemo, and are mentally

affected.  Mentally challenged might

be more appropriate.

But apparently there are ways to

compensate.  It just makes me feel

inferior and deficient in some way.

I *should* be able to pull things out

of my head, just like I have done in 

the past.  That fact that I don't have

that ability sucks more than you

might know, or realize.

From what the therapist says, I

should be able to reconnect to 

what is there.  The hypnotist in

me wonders about the possibilities.

It is amazing what people can

remember under hypnosis - things 

they had long since " forgotten."

I may have to experiment.

Along with my whole long list of

other things...including trying to

figure out how to get back in

business.

So...

Regardless of what does or does

not happen next, I must consider

this chapter concluded.   cancer

(I know it is the beginning of a

sentence...I just will not capitalize

it.  I will not give it "that" level of

importance.) came for a visit, 

and it is no longer welcome to 

stay.  

I kept trying to remember tonight

that chemo was my friend.  I am

really not sure about how that came

out in the grand scheme of things,

however I did not see it in the same

way most do.  I am guessing my

hypnosis had a lot to do with that.

While chemo left me affected, I 

never once went to "blame" chemo.

If I felt badly, I felt badly.  It sucked.

And eventually the feeling left.

This time has been a lot of ups and

downs.  I am not sure I ever have had

a greater personal rollercoaster.  I

hope never to have another ride that

even faintly resembles what I have

been through.

I just have to plan on the pet scan

reporting good news.  This next time,

and each and every time after that.

I can be one that is one and done.

There are some who are that, why

couldn't I be one of those some?

I keep feeling like I should be more

happy.  Or more relieved. Or more...

something of something that I am not.

But all I am is tired.

Meeting a number of people lately

that have had long term treatments

and returns certainly did not help.

At the same time, I have met all 

kinds of people.  People who were

given no hope by doctors in other

places, but nothing but hope and

recovery at the place I go.

I have learned an important lesson

in all of this, and that is that

people with a diagnosis of cancer

are...are you ready for this?...

people.

They have hopes and emotions and

feelings and concerns just like

anyone else.   They are not contagious,

and can be some of the nicest people

you will ever meet, if you are willing

to interact with, and talk to, them.

There is nothing special one needs to

say or do.  As a matter of fact, the

most special thing that a non-cancer 

person could do for someone diagnosed

is to treat him/her normally.   At least

that is the case in my experience, and 

in the experience of some of those that 

I  have had the good fortune to meet.

My awkwardness in that regard has

totally disappeared.  What a gift to be

able to see these beautiful people for

who they are without me limiting or

defining them by a filter called "cancer."

What a wonderful thing 

to be grateful for as a 

New Chapter Begins.

IF everything has/is a vibration...

I am now much calmer than I was before.

I am also feeling number.

Maybe it is just that I am tired.

But the thing is, that I have had a thought
that has wandered around my brain for a
bit today and I wanted to get it out, before
it gets lost.

This thought has to do with the chemo.

Chemo is about death.  It goes around
one's body, and kills off cells, and it
doesn't discriminate.  It could be a cancer
cell, or it could be an innocent cell that
wants nothing more than to nourish me
and do its thing.

If there is any "truth" to a vibrational
experience of the world by the vibrations
we are around, then it is incredible to
consider that one who walks around with
this vibration of death would be in any
state other than that one.

Every time I go for treatment, they ask
me if I am depressed.  That tells me that
there is a good chance that there are others
like me going through this emotional
cr*p.  I wanted to say "stuff," but that
doesn't seem to do it for me.

Sometimes you really just gotta use the
words that fit, not the ones that sound
more appropriate/proper.

This is big time cr*p.

And it is amazing to me how many people
tell me how it is for them and others they
know, comparing it to me an my situation,
and do it in a way that is somehow
supposed to make me feel better.

The thing is, I really feel incapable of
dealing with things a lot of the time.  I
really feel like the chemo has messed
with my mind and my ability to function.

I really feel like this is NOT like everyone
else's pains and considerations and...

Not to take away from anyone in regard
to anything...but it is soooo not the same,
and trying to tell me that it is somehow
the same soooo does not help.

I know people want to help.  If not to
help me, at least to help themselves.  I
understand.  I really, truly do.

Before this, I was there, too, if I wasn't
avoiding it all together.

There has to be a better way to respond
and deal with this.  There has to be a better
way for us to interact with others.

I don't want to scare people off from
interacting with me.  At the same time,
I am sure I do - and if the topic of cancer
doesn't do it, the topics of my last few
blogs certainly can't be helping.

As a society we don't seem to want to
deal with the things that aren't somehow
"OK."  It is easier to stay away from those
things and people than it is to wade into
the waters and do what we can for them.

At the same time, it is those times that
people who need help, need it the most.
It seems ironic to me that it seems the
easiest to turn our back on someone
who needs help when they most need it.

I heard someone on a video earlier saying
something to the effect if you are around
someone who is down, you are likely to
feel down.  If you are around someone
who is up, you are likely to feel up.

I found myself wondering about this.
At first, it sorta sounds like it makes sense.

But when I think about it, it doesn't really.

If I am down and you are up, how do
either one of us know which direction
either one, or both of us, will go?

Maybe you would bring me up.  Maybe
neither one of us would change.  Of course,
I could bring you down, potentially, if we
explored the possibilities fully.

It makes me wonder if the thing that "nudges"
us in a direction is where we are in relation
to something. If what I am down about is
something you can relate to, maybe it will
bring you down as you identify with it.

Maybe you going down has nothing to do
with me, and everything to do with the things
that you have to deal with?

Maybe if we talk, and you bring me up, it
is because I can find something in how you
are and what you say that I can relate to, and
when I focus on it, things change.  And, it
has nothing really to do with you.

Maybe all we are is just conduits for each
other, and we just choose which things we
want to make connections with by the actions
we take.

And...given what I know of our unconscious
mind and its desire for comfort, it is not the
least bit surprising we would want to stay away
from those things least familiar and known,
and therefore the most uncomfortable.

So...

I guess the best we can hope for is that when
we see each other and our situations we see
something more than the things that trigger us.

Maybe that is when we truly connect, and 
maybe that is what brings us out at our best?

**

I am so tired.  Maybe I will go back to sleep.
What are the odds the world will look better
when I wake up?

Today

All I wanted to do today was sleep.

I am beyond tired.

But I feel like a little kid who
wants to stay up late, even when
her eyes are closing.

I don't know if it's just that I want
to pretend everything is normal,
or if I just want to show this
treatment who is boss, or if it
is might not even be the smartest
thing to do, as maybe my body
does need the rest...

I don't know what it is, but I
decided to do some "work."
It is interesting, because the
creative part of the work is
right brained, but all of the
things I need to do after the
creation part require the other
part of my brain.

It sure has been a challenge.
I think this new chemo is even
worse on my ability to think and
be clear.  I swear I barely know
what day or month or time it is.

It is VERY odd

and

VERY annoying.

If I am going to find a positive in
this, I would have to say it certainly
makes one BE IN THE MOMENT.

At the same time, most of life doesn't
really accommodate that way of being.
Most of life requires an awareness of
where we are in it.

Quite the paradox.

So any way, I did get something done.
I completed one of my newest works,
and have posted it on the Cedonaah
blog.  Above you will find one of the
colored versions.  You can visit and
see the others, if you like, as well as
get the wallpaper sized version.

I have more to come...and hopefully
I won't have to get out of
the twilight zone to get them posted.

Have a good...
Sunday?

:P

It Feels Like Starting Over...

I am not really starting over.

If I was, I would have a full head of
curly, deliciously wonderful hair.

But at the same time, my next
treatment will be using a new
chemotherapy, thanks to the
reaction one of the first two had.

I have been told that likely my
symptoms will be similar to what
I have had up until now.  BUT
there is the caveat that everyone
is different, and one never knows.
I could even have no reaction.

So even though I kinda got a
routine from my treatments
so far, a new "known" in my
unconscious (new familiar
territory), I am now about to
embark into new territory.

My apple cart has been upset.

It is almost humorous to me that
I want the discomfort I know
rather than the discomfort I haven't
a clue about.

It is almost humorous because
much of life is like that, it just
isn't so blatantly obvious.

We fight for the familiar, whether
it works, or not, whether it is
healthy, or not, and whether it
is good for us, or not because the
good we get is in the familiarity
of it all.

I have been feeling tired and
unsettled for a few days now.
I am guessing this has something
to do with it.

Soon the mystery will be gone,
and my new experience will begin.
It just so happens it coincides with
the eve of my half way mark.

A part of me soooo wants to sleep
at the moment.  Another part is my mind,
which is reeling right now.  It doesn't
want to shut down.

Guess we will see how it all turns
out as I am about to begin another
blog on another topic...