I Really Don't Care if You Do...

Man oh man.

I am so freaking frustrated right now, and I am trying to figure out why, exactly.

I am wondering if part of it has to do with emotions unexpressed.  Yesterday
"A" finally had a conversation with me.  I wasn't sure about having one by
the time we did, as I felt I said all that I needed say in my letters, but I wanted
to see if there was anything that needed any clarity, or if there was anything he
wanted to say.

It wasn't an easy conversation, and I was more emotional deep down than what
was expressed on the surface.  When we got done talking, I had such a mixture
of feelings and emotions.  I didn't know what I thought.

I am wondering if they are simmering under the surface today as I am interacting
with people regarding this new MLM (multi-level marketing) thing I have
gotten involved with.  I know there is a cringe factor here.  I am no big fan of
them.  Not in the least.

But a couple of things are going on in regard to this.  One is that desperate times
call for desperate measures.  I need money in a big way, and have yet to find ways
to earn a living.  I am working on it, but it hasn't clicked yet.  I have asked for help,
and despite the fact that I have received donations from some very generous people,
unless something happens soon, I won't have any money in a couple of months.

That alone would not have me get involved in something.

The other day I saw a link to a page that gave details about a new thing, so new
that it has not yet launched.  For $9.95 a month you can get involved.  Whether
or not I want to personally involve people, I can still make money.  Anyone I tell
that to is skeptical.  I am not surprised they would be.  There is a time I would
have been, too.

In all fairness, I don't know what I think.  I don't even really care what they are
selling.  What sells me is the idea that I can make money from it.  Could I be
"throwing away" $10 per month?  It is absolutely possible.  But I have likely
have wasted that kind of money before on other things.  Worst case scenario
I "waste" $120 after being involved a year.  Best case scenario I can be making
in the thousands.  Middle to low case scenario, I make $50 a month, and it is
$50 more than I am making now.

I really feel like there is nothing really to lose by doing this.  The company has
videos that explain everything, much better than I ever could.  All I have done
is to share this with people.  I have shared it because I think it could HELP THEM.

I have shared this because, according to the site, I can at some point make $2500
a month without having to do a thing, other than pay my $9.95 every month.
I tend to think that would be a good thing - for anyone.  Who couldn't use a few
extra dollars?

I, of all people, cannot really afford to be spending money I don't have.  But, at
the same time, I cannot really afford not to take some calculated risks.  I am in a
bad spot, and in some way it is pushing me to do things I might not otherwise do.

I have told a couple of my friends (who have yet to sign up) that I would love
nothing more than for them to thank me in a few months for telling them about
this.  I really would love for it to be helpful/beneficial for those I care about.

Yes.  I make more money if I sign up people.  But as exciting and helpful as
that prospect may be, I truly feel in my heart that the bigger thing is for them to
be helped personally.  But it certainly is a win/win in my mind if they sign up
and are benefitted by doing so, and also benefit me in the process.

As I write this, I remember a conversation I had with someone yesterday about
something unrelated.  I was offering something that I thought would be helpful,
and I had not expectations in regard to it.  The person would be interested -
or not.

At one point she said she felt pressured.

There was a different person recently who I had shared something with, and I
was casually, curiously following up with her, asking if she had seen it yet.  Her
reaction was also extreme.  She, too, it seemed felt pressured.  When I told her
there was no pressure, that I was just curious, that it was more than fine if she
hadn't, she was still upset.  But she was upset about something else in regard to
the bigger picture - which was unrelated to me.

I was thinking about these two things yesterday wondering what the heck?  And
wondering what I might be able to take from what was happening.  I haven't
quite figured it out, other than the fact that people were reacting to something
that had nothing to do with me, even though it came out at me.

In both cases, it seemed as though the whole picture wasn't present as well, just
as in very much the same way those who poo-poo this thing because they think
they know what it is without investigating don't have the complete picture either.

Ironically they are all supportive and happy for me.  I suspect that if they don't
join, and they're so happy for me, it is their way of saying they don't believe
it is going to work, and good luck with that, and I am not going to tell you how
stupid you are for wasting your money.

It might not be that at all.  But if they truly saw something in it, then I cannot
imagine why they wouldn't do it, too.

People ask me lots of questions, and that is a good thing.  But then when I
don't seem to know the intricacies, then I shouldn't be "selling" this thing.  The
fact is that I am not.  I am sharing about something that I tell them I can't possibly
explain it as well as they can, here are a few basics, and go watch the videos.

I cannot believe the reactions I get.  People saying things to me that have
nothing to do with what I am looking to do or to create.

It has frustrated the hell out of me.

Part of the reason that I share now, too, is that it is still relatively new.  Now
would seem to be the time to get in.  Sure, if I start to do well people can join
later, and maybe I will just have to leave it alone.

I am doing other things, and this isn't something that I am looking to for a short
term fix, and it is not the only egg in my basket.  Anything that comes from this
will be gravy as far as I am concerned.

So...if I happen to mention it to you, please know that I don't really care whether
or not you do something with it, or not.

But I am seriously considering keeping my mouth shut on it going forward.  I
got way too much other stuff I am dealing with now, and it just freaking doesn't
seem worth the hassle.

People's reactions are in some way surprising.  What harm is there in watching
the videos, and making a determination for yourself?  Especially since it could
have some potential benefit?

I know I was once there...and might even have been there in regard to this, still,
except for the fact that my situation is so desperate.   People talk about living
like there is no tomorrow, but then they use perceptions to block potentially
beneficial actions today.

Interesting what urgency creates.  It makes me look at things differently.  It
makes me take more chances.  It makes me think less about how bad I might
look, or how I might be judged.  It has me see value in the immediate moment
and what is possible NOW.

If you say no, I respect it as the choice you make for where you are now.  At
the same time, perhaps consider knowing what you are saying no to.  Just
because something wears a label, it doesn't mean you know what it is, or
what is inside. (And, for clarity, I am not talking about the thing above.  I am
talking about life in general).

This writing may have been much more for me than anyone else.  However
if there is something for you in the process of me trying to sort things out,
great.  I know there is something deeper that is stewing inside.  Interestingly,
during Reiki yesterday, it was mentioned that things would be raised so they
could be healed, and that as soon as we signed up, we were already in the
energy.

So who knows what the heck is up with me?

I just needed to get this frustration out.  I truly am getting lots of perspectives
in my situation.  Once I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of
cancer, and now I am on the other side and can understand where others
may be in relation to it.  Before I was on the skeptical and limiting side of things,
and now hopefully things are shifting, and as a result I might be better able
to understand where others are in relation to it.

A part of me does not like what I see of what I have been, and have been
capable of.  Maybe it is coming up and out so I can heal it and love myself
for who and how I have been.

Another thing that was said yesterday is that there are no unwounded healers.
It was said that we need the wounds to be able to identify with others and
to be able to help them.

Maybe instead of being angry or frustrated I need to have compassion.  Maybe
I am just angry or frustrated at myself, and maybe if I am more compassionate
with myself the world around me will change.

Who the heck knows?

But I guess it does start with asking the question.

Ok.  I feel better now.

Are There Things to Ask Yourself?

A few years back, I created a document
called "15 Essential Things to Ask Yourself."

I was inspired one day as I sat and wrote.











Are they truly "essential?"

Who the heck knows?

But they might get you thinking
and/or asking your own questions.

If you would be interested in seeing what I created,
you can either see it in PDF form, or as a video:

15 Essential Things to Ask Yourself Video
15 Essential Things to Ask Yourself PDF

Feel free to share if you think others will find it of interest. :)
I would prefer if you would link to this blog entry instead of
sharing the actual files or links, but what you do is of course
up to you.  I ask this in part because I would love it if anyone
who views them would comment below with their thoughts
on my thoughts and it would be great to get some interaction
and conversation going.

Thanks. :)

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Thanksgiving Day Vlog

A Chapter Ends

Just in time for a holiday called "Thanks" giving,

my chemo rounds have officially ended.

I am feeling sad.

I am writing this as I get the last 30 minutes of

the last dose.  The woman next to me was crying.

It was hard to tell why.

It reminded me of my first chemo back in July.

It reminded me of how emotional it was.  I, too,

was in tears.  I was overwhelmed.  I was scared.

So much fear.  So much uncertainty.  

A long road was ahead of me.  

I had more questions than answers.

Questions that I didn't know would 

need to be addressed weren't even

"born" yet.

I had hoped to be one of "those" who would fly

through chemo miraculously without any ill effect.

If you have been following along, you know

that that wasn't/hasn't been the case.  Even

as I walk away today, I have chemo fog/brain

affecting me.

I thought I had, in some way, dealt with it.  

Today, though, as I spoke with someone who 

is supposed to help me with its effects, I began

to cry.

I am frustrated by the mental me that I seem

to have misplaced.  I won't say lost, even 

though a part of me wants to.  I won't say 

lost because signals point to the possibility

of a return.  Of course the wording is cautious

and guarded.  But there is promise.

It is just going to take time, and effort.

Apparently, I can cope with this, but it is

not something that can be dealt with in a

passive way.  It is going to take a special

effort on my part.  

*oh goody*

I seems like an opportunity, but just like

my hair situation, I miss the "original"

version and can only hope that it will

either be restored to its former self,

or come back even better.

Apparently all of the things that I 

described are common for those who

go through chemo, and are mentally

affected.  Mentally challenged might

be more appropriate.

But apparently there are ways to

compensate.  It just makes me feel

inferior and deficient in some way.

I *should* be able to pull things out

of my head, just like I have done in 

the past.  That fact that I don't have

that ability sucks more than you

might know, or realize.

From what the therapist says, I

should be able to reconnect to 

what is there.  The hypnotist in

me wonders about the possibilities.

It is amazing what people can

remember under hypnosis - things 

they had long since " forgotten."

I may have to experiment.

Along with my whole long list of

other things...including trying to

figure out how to get back in

business.

So...

Regardless of what does or does

not happen next, I must consider

this chapter concluded.   cancer

(I know it is the beginning of a

sentence...I just will not capitalize

it.  I will not give it "that" level of

importance.) came for a visit, 

and it is no longer welcome to 

stay.  

I kept trying to remember tonight

that chemo was my friend.  I am

really not sure about how that came

out in the grand scheme of things,

however I did not see it in the same

way most do.  I am guessing my

hypnosis had a lot to do with that.

While chemo left me affected, I 

never once went to "blame" chemo.

If I felt badly, I felt badly.  It sucked.

And eventually the feeling left.

This time has been a lot of ups and

downs.  I am not sure I ever have had

a greater personal rollercoaster.  I

hope never to have another ride that

even faintly resembles what I have

been through.

I just have to plan on the pet scan

reporting good news.  This next time,

and each and every time after that.

I can be one that is one and done.

There are some who are that, why

couldn't I be one of those some?

I keep feeling like I should be more

happy.  Or more relieved. Or more...

something of something that I am not.

But all I am is tired.

Meeting a number of people lately

that have had long term treatments

and returns certainly did not help.

At the same time, I have met all 

kinds of people.  People who were

given no hope by doctors in other

places, but nothing but hope and

recovery at the place I go.

I have learned an important lesson

in all of this, and that is that

people with a diagnosis of cancer

are...are you ready for this?...

people.

They have hopes and emotions and

feelings and concerns just like

anyone else.   They are not contagious,

and can be some of the nicest people

you will ever meet, if you are willing

to interact with, and talk to, them.

There is nothing special one needs to

say or do.  As a matter of fact, the

most special thing that a non-cancer 

person could do for someone diagnosed

is to treat him/her normally.   At least

that is the case in my experience, and 

in the experience of some of those that 

I  have had the good fortune to meet.

My awkwardness in that regard has

totally disappeared.  What a gift to be

able to see these beautiful people for

who they are without me limiting or

defining them by a filter called "cancer."

What a wonderful thing 

to be grateful for as a 

New Chapter Begins.