Sunday, November 8, 2015


On my way to treatment last time, I ate a Wendy's single burger. It really helped my stomach settle; that and the medicine. 

On my way back, I felt really sick. It was getting close to medicine time, but I also decided I was craving Wendy's. By the time I had both, I was feeling so much better.

Last night, I had barely eaten, but I was was craving...Wendy's. So in the middle of the night, guess where I went?

I am not sure if it is the childhood comfort food, or something else, but I am grateful for the relief it brings on some level.if it wasn't fpr the fact that I just took some heavy duty medicine, I might even be out there now.

Friday, November 6, 2015

The Boxes

No one cares - until it is something that affects them DIRECTLY. Until then, it is "someone else's problem." There is  often very little compassion or empathy or understanding or anything remotely helpful when it comes to things that are problematic, and do not fit the expected mold. Try to go against the mold, and you may be sorry. But go with it, and you might give up a piece of your soul, and be even be mocked for it.

These words likely carry little, if any, value because the value mostly hits the minute a person finds him/herself on the receiving end of having a need that does not fit another's perception of what is perceived to be what is "supposed" to be. Up until then, the words exist in the air. Until then, all kinds of justifications can show up. Until then, a lot can sound a lot better than it comes anywhere close to truly being. Situations and words can even be spirirtually twisted to sound good.

So many things to give us every reason, but be compassionate, understanding, giving, empathic...

It is very hard to live in a world in which I rarely ever fit the mold. Worse, it is harder to live in a world that all too frequently forfeits  opportunities to stretch ourselves  and love others - especially those in great need. 

There are times my questions for being here, alive, are very personal. But there are times, the questions are much greater. It is very hard to live in a world of people who all too often see past the pain that is right in front of them. It is very hard to live within a world that says to only focus on the positive as a way to supposedly bring more, while a lot of sadness, despair, and other similiar things exist in such incredible amounts.

Maybe we are meant - like David with Golaith - to stare them down. Maybe we are supposed to do something about them. But, instead, we act as though if we look the other way it does not exist. If we look the other way, we can see the shiny things. If we look the other way, only what we see is what will be. 

All the while, we forget, or do not realize, that what is behind us can sneak up, and change our reality in a heartbeat. Until then, though, it is all too easy to judge others. It is all too easy to go with the accepted parameters. It is easy to go with the flow, as long as you are a part of it.

But beware the minute you are not. The thing is, the deafening roar of change will likely be upon you long before you ever realize who you are, how you are, and what life has become has all changed in such a way that not only do you no longer fit THE box, others will still desperately try to put you there, or perhaps worse, they will just ignore you because you no longer fit.

Even worse will be those who will ignore these words all together because their proposed reality seems off base, out of touch, easily allowing the silence and ignorance to continue.

Yes. This is written by someone in need. That, for some, makes it easy to criticize or ignore. But why would someone not in need address a need - especially since there is often a blindness to it?

But where there is blindness there often is also deafness. It is what makes me wonder how we cross lines without really crossing them? And yet, it would seem we may have some who can and do.

I do not know how much longer I have in this world, but it would be nice to see the people in it shift so we were more about helping each other than trying to "win " by seeing how many damn boxes we can seem to fit, or appear to help others squeeze into.