Sunday, March 31, 2013

It is Here! (Aren't You Excited?) (Video)

I finally posted the video from my CCBC Women's Expo Talk. Just a word of warning that the sound isn't the best. My friend who was filming also "fell asleep at the wheel" at one point when I moved out of the frame, LOL. I didn't intend to do it, and while his head followed me, the camera didn't.

I am glad that I had it filmed, even though I found it difficult to watch. But even then, I thought it was better than I thought it was. Significantly better. I think I was definitely hard on myself. (You can see what I thought here.) I share this for a few reasons, not the least of which is any perspective it may offer you about your own perceptions and experience. So many times it is easy not to do something because it won't be perceived as perfect, and yet your "imperfect" steps can seem to be "perfect" to those watching.

I Didn't Choose It

When I was losing my hair, I had people telling me to shave my head. I know they thought they were helping but it really wasn't helpful to me. I needed to do things however I felt best - and I had no idea what that was, so I just took it day-to-day.

As a result, I never shaved my head.

Now that my hair is growing back, I have people telling me to go without a wig. Again, I know they think they are helping, but again it isn't really helpful.

It would be different if I had asked for short hair. It would be different if I chose it. But I didn't.

It was not my choice. But wearing a wig IS MY choice. It allows me to control one piece of my life that is most uncontrollable and unpredictable.

The fact is wearing a wig is at times annoying now. It slides. I still have to worry about it getting wet. There are all kinds of reasons wearing a wig isn't all that great, but I don't necessarily like the alternative, either. I am obviously not yet ready to wigless in a big way.

I had a dream a few nights ago that someone was telling me I had to take a test. It was assumed in their actions that I would just go along with the program. When I asked what it was, I was told it was a test I would need to take to further my education. When I found out what it was, my reaction was one in which I was not going to take it. I saw no reason to. I had no intentions of going on to the next degree. I was told that I needed to do it.

I don't remember how the dream ended, but what I do remember was me putting my foot down. How could someone tell me what I needed to do?

I am guessing it was a reaction to the person who told me that I should be different in the last week. The implication in the dream was that I wouldn't be able to function in life without going on. The conversation with that person implied that I could not function in life the way that I occur to them - which is why I should tone myself down, and be different.

Life is freaking short enough without having to line up and walk to the beat of the drum of someone else. Many people live a life that they do not choose - and are unhappy as a result. I may not be in the best place these days, but I am fairly certain that I would be a lot unhappier if I was having to be the way others thought I should be.

I often have spoken about speaking in a way that people can hear you. If you want to be "heard" by someone, you may have to moderate how you come across. But the thing is...you are going to come across a lot of people in your day-to-day life that vary one to the other. How can you be how you need to be to be heard by all of them?

You really can't.

The world is full of people. A lot of people. I don't know that we are meant to be heard by all of them. At the same time, if we all knew how to respect others, we could all live in a greater sense of peace as we allowed people to be who they are without feeling a need to change them - or ourselves.

What that person said was hurtful to me for several reasons, but there is nothing I could say that would vary how that person feels. Ironically, perhaps, that person would never change for anyone, and yet they think *I* should. That is often the way of the world. Who I am is OK, but if you are not like me, you are not.

There is more to this that I cannot discuss as I promised I wouldn't. But there is an element that explains to me why this person may feel as they do. And it has to do with something that I think they see in me that they do not like about themselves (which goes back to a previous blog entry - If You Don't Like Me - Do You Like Yourself?). So in some ways, it isn't so much about change as much as it is about something else deeper and more difficult to address.

I love my family. I really do. But I don't really feel like I fit in for so many reasons. I am not sure they understand me. It is difficult for me to interact with them when I feel like they think something is wrong with me and that how I look at things is a problem. When I haven't spoken with them it is because I do not feel supported by them but rather like our interactions take me down.

I have been wondering about moving back to New York.

When I left back in 2007 I did not think I would ever be back. The fact that I am even thinking about it dumbfounds me. Something about it feels right, but there is something about it that feels really uncomfortable, too. Is it healthy for me to be back in that mix? Some say you got to take the good with the bad. And there could be good being back there. But is the good worth the "bad?"

I know some people who would never understand what I am feeling, or why I feel it. I am not sure I understand it at times, myself. But just because it isn't understood does not mean it is not in some way valid.

Oddly enough I spoke with my mom while I was in NY. And when I told her some of the things that were bothering me, she pointed out (rightly) that by me not telling her how I feel about things gives her no opportunity to alter anything, or to address it.

Why would I do that?

I found myself thinking about how the 3 women in my life who weren't a fan of my mother are now gone. These 3 women were in some way a surrogate mother for the mother that I didn't have. Maybe my mother would have been there, if it wasn't for how these 3 treated me and her and the situation.


Maybe not.

But it doesn't really matter now. They are no longer in my life. But my mother is - if I let her be. I have no idea what it means. None. But I am thinking that even though I never had a relationship with her before doesn't mean I couldn't see what I could do to create one now.

Life is short.

And who knows
how much time
any of us has left.

I wish I knew what to do.

One last thing. This may sound strange, but the day I left Long Island I went to the cemetery. An uncle of mine is buried in the same cemetery as my aunt. I decided to visit them both. When I was standing at my uncle's grave, I felt like parts of my family who had passed over were surrounding me. It was kinda like a scene in a movie.

I was standing there, looking at the marker and there were several energies almost in a semi circle around me, at a bit of a distance. Like they were supporting me, but giving me space. It makes me wonder how much of life we don't know or understand. It makes me wonder what markers our energy leaves as we traverse this place.

My energy is all over Long Island. So is the energy of my family. And yet many of the places that I once visited are no longer in the family. People have come and gone. People will continue to come and go. My young nieces and nephews will be tomorrow's adults when I become a part of the past history with my passing.

This last week has been very surreal and it makes me really want to simplify my life. This track we're on has the potential to really take us away from ourselves. So do the disagreements and arguments and differences of opinion. So do the things that we own that really own us.

I don't know where or how to begin,
but this past week may have been
the place to start.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

If you don't like me...do you like yourself?

Today I was speaking with someone I have known for several years. While we have known each other, there have been many times there has been no communication. It is a person that I have cared deeply about and the situation I found myself in was very painful. It was also a situation that could have been avoided - if I had listened to other people.

But the thing is...I am glad that I didn't. Of course I could have done without the pain, but what I came away with was something that couldn't have been if I hadn't been immersed in it the way that I was. If I had listened to others I would have missed a lot more than just the pain. A lot of good stuff, and things I have learned about myself.

I told that person that we met at a changing point for me in my life and that they were a piece of it, not the cause or contributor to it. It is how I became that allowed me to flow with things the way I did. Some, I am certain, would say that it wasn't necessarily a good thing. And while they may have a point in their perspectives, I am not certain that they would be right.

We can think we know something...but when it comes to another, I suspect we don't really know much at all. The person who so arrogantly, confidently told me I should change, doesn't seem to know who I really am, and even if they think they know, it is through a filter that is in some way makes things uncomfortable to view. I can understand it. I can appreciate it.

But in the end, conformity ain't gonna help me. It ain't comfortable, either. And going backward isn't going to help. Yet another lesson in perspective was given to me in the last couple of days. It has sucked. But I am grateful for the awareness. I am grateful for the understanding. And I am grateful to be able to share what I experienced.

When my time comes to leave this life, I am going to go knowing I gave it all I got and that I didn't hold back a part of myself because someone else thought it for the best. I am glad that I made it this far for several reasons, not the least of which is what I feel knowing that I have been better able to express myself than I ever was. Had I died last year, much of my "song" would have died with me. So much would have been left unexplored, unsaid.

It is sad to me that someone I hold dear doesn't seem to think much of me, but I realize it is more about them than it is about me. And while I am not too happy about it, I get it. And maybe it is time to move on, or maybe one day the tide will change and go in a direction that is more conducive for a relationship. Ironically, I think we have something we could connect on, if it wasn't for the fact that the thing we connected on was seen as a bad thing.

Maybe if I changed then they wouldn't have to see the part of themselves they're uncomfortable with any more. Maybe that is what those who want us to change want. Maybe the thing that bothers us the most about them is what we have a discomfort about for ourselves, and if the other person changes, we no longer have to face, or interact with, it.

I don't know about you, but I think it is an interesting thought to consider. After all, we are so good at trying to fix others and the situations that pain them to get out of our own discomfort. It really does make some sort of sense to me.

A Potpourri of Thoughts and Feelings

 I am sitting at my sister's dining room table as she, and two of my nieces and a nephew are playing the game Apples to Apples.  I am tired. My eyes are having a hard time staying open. It has been a long, emotional day after yesterday's long, emotional day.

I don't even know where to begin.

I have spent a bit of my time in my past. It is remarkable being back in territory that I used to live in. I felt like I was haunting it today. It is odd to see the homes that I spent a lot of time in - that now look different and belong to strangers.

Being around my family was emotionally wearing for several reasons. Not the least of which had to do with the "c" word. I spent time with a lot of family I haven't seen in several years. I was wondering how many of them would have what I dealt with in the back of their mind.

Earlier today I became aware of at least one person who had it in their mind, based on what was said. The implication was that something could happen to me. I said that is the reason that I didn't want to tell anyone what was going on. I didn't want anyone to look at me, think cancer, and have all of the "wonderful," related associations.

It was bad enough that I had things in the back of my own mind. It is very surreal to be facing someone else's death, wondering about my own mortality. Being here would have had such a different feeling if I was as blissfully unaware of my mortality as I was before the diagnosis that came last year. Death is never easy, but if there is any easier it is in the presence of blissful ignorance.

So many times over the years my cousins and I have said we would stay in touch, only to fall silent. It is all too easy. As I left my one cousin today I said that as long as he was willing to make an effort, I was, too. That whatever time we had left we could certainly do whatever we could to stay in touch.

Since I was so close to my aunt when growing up, I was also close to my cousins. In some ways, they were like siblings. Even though we haven't spoken, I love them. And it was quite apparent to me that they love me, too.

It was hard for me to be so sad in front of them. As sad I was, she was their mother. They knew her better. They got more of her time, energy, love and laughter. As much as she was there for me, she was there for her children even more - just as I would imagine it should be.

It was hard for me, too, to see my family's families. I was jealous. I am usually OK with the fact that I haven't had a family. But I had always wanted one. I never wanted to wind up this way. I never thought I would. I always imagined having a husband and kids. Neither of which ever materialized.

I felt very much out of place.

And then there were some things said to me. One of which had to do with me and my wig. I was told that I should look at the "big picture," and that I should be happy to be alive. How dare someone tell me that?! How can someone make that assessment? Maybe if a whole boatload of other things weren't piling up it wouldn't have bothered me so much. But with the pile of things, it was overwhelming and annoying and angering.

And then someone told me that I should moderate how I am, if I want people to interact with me. I basically motioned to my aunt and said, "as you know, life is short," and it was me in some way indicating that I had learned to be myself. I said I didn't care about how strangers interacted with me, and as far as things went with that person, well, they know me. I am who I am, and over time I have gotten a fair share of grief about how I am. Why would they expect anything different?

I have come to the conclusion that I am the "crazy aunt" in my family. Every family has one, and in mine, I seem to be it. I resigned myself to that a while ago. Not like it is a bad thing. It is "just" a thing. I am who I am, and I know I am different.

It has taken me a long time to get here. I realize I am not going to be a one-size fits all. There is no way I could ever be. There would have been a time I might have tried to be. But not any more.

It is odd to interact with someone who thinks I need to be someone other than who I am. It shows less than acceptance of me. It also shows a lack of respect for who I am. I know they are just trying to be helpful. I know it is with the best of intentions, but it doesn't help. Not in the least. It is the freaking last thing I need to be hearing - and the last thing anyone likely should hear, either.

It was also nothing like I expected. We hadn't spoken in quite some time, and I knew it was probably for the best. But what I didn't realize was how far apart we had become. I wasn't even sure I liked the person standing in front of me. And this was a person that I once loved. I still love them - at the core - and I loved them for who they once were - but I don't know who they are now to be able to say I love them now.

It was very weird. Beyond weird. And I don't really know what to do with it.

And as I was watching my cousins interact and saw the closeness of their family, and how amazing their relationship was with their mom, I was reminded how much my family has issues and how I don't exactly have a stellar relationship with my own mom - as I barely even have one.


It is now the next day. I am a bit calmer, and still pretty tired. I am spending a lot of time alone today. I am thinking it may be a good thing and what I need, but I don't really know for sure. My sister and family were outside cleaning earlier, and I thought about helping, but I am not sure that I had energy to give. So I didn't. Hopefully they understand. If it wasn't for how I was doing, and what has been going on, I most assuredly would have helped.

Being around my family makes me wonder if I should be around them more. I just don't know where I would do that. It is expensive to live around here. They all seem to be doing well. And I am not. Yet another reason why I feel so out of place in relation to them.

It leaves me with such mixed feelings.


I have taken a few pics in the last few days, and I am going to share some of theme with you. To start will be a few of my aunt on what I could only imagine was one of her happiest days. The pics are with her husband and my grandparents. All of whom are quite special to me.  They're not the best, as they were pictures of pictures taken with my ipad, but it works.

On My Way to New York (Video)

These three videos were recorded on my way to NY for my aunt's funeral. There are a myriad of things that cross my mind...and you may notice something about the videos too that you haven't seen before.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

An Observation

Earlier today I posted the following on Facebook:

Nothing seems to be happening the way I want it to. I am more disappointed than anything else - but even that is minimal. There would have been a time I would have been frustrared and more. I would like to think it is a function of the fact that I have changed, but I can't help but wonder if it is a function of the numbness of being overwhelmed.

I got a lot responses about it. The interesting thing for me was that most of the responses cued into the part about things not working out. For me, the status was about how I was interacting with the fact that things weren't working out.

Overall, I would say it was a good thing in how it was occurring, and I wasn't complaining. If anything, I was observing what was going on in my beady little brain. :P

Dax Shepard Writes About His Dad and Their Experience with cancer "Project"

I just read this blog post from Dax Shepard about his relationship with his father as they dealt with his father's cancer diagnosis. There is so much about it that is worth a read. Consider making the time for it if you don't think you have it.

The most poignent pieces have to do with the simplest aspects of life.

I also find his reference to about the "convenience" of illness timely, given my recent thoughts on the matter. It is good to see the realness of his situation. So often people do not know a reality other than the ones that are either in the movies, or the ones that people make up to cover up what really is happening.

"It was the phone call you see on TV and in movies. It was happening to me now, and I found the timing to be exceedingly inconvenient. In movies, news of this kind seems to always coincide with a huge hole in the lead character’s schedule. He or she is able to spend vast amounts of time at the bedside of the loved one, or at a diner having coffee and pie with estranged family members. This flexible schedule allows for some high quality catharsis to take place."

He goes on to say that his experience was nothing like it. For many death and illness are incredibly inconvenient. Continuing with that "theme," a friend of mine was just telling me that a friend of his was saying something similar in their conversation last night. That is three references in just a day. I can't help but wonder if it is supposed to mean something to me - more than just the obvious.

The type of entry that Dax wrote is the kind of blog that I would welcome here and am encouraging those who know a thing or two about these types of experiences to share. I think there needs to be more insight into how things are for those who have these kinds of dances in life. It is my belief that the taste of reality is helpful in many ways, not the least of which is the testament they are to the incredible nature of what it is to be human without the trappings.

I don't know if you will ever see this, Dax, but thanks for sharing.

Appreciation & Value (Quote)


WomensExpoMd.com March 2013
Thanks to Patsy Anderson and the crew at the WomensExpoMd.com and GinnyRobertson.com for the opportunity to speak at the Expo. It was a wonderful, and appreciated, opportunity. At some point I will post the video.

March 31 update: Video has been posted. Click image above to view.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Drama Queen? (Video)

I was speaking with someone today that I haven't spoken to much over the last several months. I was telling her about how I have been making videos of me without make-up or hair and in some cases crying. Her reaction wasn't one that was initially supportive. She asked me why I needed to be such a "drama queen."

I explained to her that people were finding my videos in some way helpful, inspiring, and other "good" things. I also explained that it wasn't really for anyone else but me, but if others benefitted, then I was more than OK with it.

I have no idea who all is watching, listening, reading and I have no idea what people think. For all I know some do think of me as a drama queen. Maybe some are bored to tears by me, and maybe others think I am ugly as sin.

You know what? I really don't care.

But even though I don't care, I make it so no one can leave any comments on the videos because I don't need people to be ugly and rude as they sometimes are. I don't need to give them that forum. If anyone wants to comment, they can always comment here. And thankfully no one has been that way here. Maybe the people who find their way to this blog have a different perspective than those who would otherwise be rude or obnoxious. Or maybe people just see the word cancer and figure they can't be rude. Who knows?

But even if they did say something, I might not disagree. Who would look amazing dealing with cancer and its effects? Who would look great crying? Even the most gorgeous actresses without make up look less than stellar. I kinda feel badly for them, though, as the eye of scrutiny and judgment is very much on them.

Why is real so often so harshly judged when real is what most of us are at the end of the day?

Having said that, here is my latest "drama queen" moment. :P Warning, tears ahead.

Now I Know Why I Was Feeling As I Was

When my grandmother died, I didn't know what was going to happen to me. Given that she was my primary caregiver, the world was a scary place. I don't know how or why, but my Aunt Evelyn stepped in and was there for me in the best way that she could have been. She had her own family to take care of, but I came to look at her as something of a mother figure. 
My aunt and uncle with their first grandchild

As it was, she had been a staple in my life growing up. She and my uncle and cousins would often spend the holidays with us.

I sometimes spent the night at her house and watched as she was creative in all kinds of ways. For a while she even had a homemade chocolate business. One year she even made a piano out of chocolate for a woman who had helped me get through a tumultuous 7th grade who I think also taught piano. She had even made some delicious chocolate covered cherries and strawberries.

Delicious German Ginger Snap Recipe
She loved German things, and had gone to Germany many times, and had translated some delicious recipes. One of which was for some Ginger Snaps that are just amazing.

She introduced me to a hypnotist long before I ever thought of being one myself.

She was a Camp Fire Girls leader, and we took many trips, and did many things as I was one in her troop. I remember sitting in her home, at her kitchen table, learning script.

I remember the sound of the train going by, as she didn't live far from a suburban train station. There was something about being in her home that very comforting. At Christmas time she would always go crazy baking and decorating, with the decorations often staying up well into the new year.

She encouraged my artistic side. She thought I could draw well, and had bought me a pastel drawing kit and asked me to draw an image for her that she could hang and display. If I remember right, it hung in her hallway for a time.

My aunt and uncle were there for me when I stage managed a play in high school. I wasn't even in it, but they came to see it - no easy feat, as the school was in Connecticut. But they were there. She was there for me during college. My uncle even took a trip or two with me going back and forth to my college in Illinois. And when I went to Europe, she saw to it that I had a nice 135mm camera to take pictures with.

I don't remember the last time we spoke. It has been a while. But one of the last times we spoke, I asked her a few things about my childhood. I had wondered if the stresses of my grandmother raising me and my sister could have hurt her. Aunt Evelyn quite emphatically, and surprisingly, told me that she thought that we were actually good for her.

My aunt hadn't been well for a while. Some thought she was going to pass away a while ago. She had had so many heart attacks, and apparently the last one is the one that killed her - last night. She was never one to sit still. She was always off somewhere, doing something. There would be times I would leave her a message, and not hear back.

After a while I just let it go. I was off living my own life, after all. And I thought if she wanted to talk to me she might consider reaching out to me occasionally. When I was up in NY recently I thought about her. I think the last time I saw her was Christmas Eve before I moved to California. I am not sure about that. But if that was indeed the last time, that was over 6 years ago.

Time surely does fly.

There is so much going through my mind an my emotions are reeling. I have no idea how much of this is about me and how much of this is about other things. I also think it touches very close to home, given what I have been going through. It also just so happens that she died within a week of the anniversary of my grandmother's death.

I had been feeling really anxious the last couple of nights.

I guess I now know why.

I am pretty sure I told you Aunt Evelyn how much I appreciated what you did for me. But if you didn't know (and I hear in my head that she did) thank you for all that you did. It wasn't your responsibility, but you chose to make it yours. I know things weren't easy for you, but in so many ways you did more than most.

with Love,

(She was one of the few people who still got to call me that)

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Maryland Expos

I have seen more than one request from those who live in Maryland for info on various Expos and fairs and opportunities for speaking in the area. I, too, would be interested in the info. For that reason, I was trying to think of how I might be able to compile a list without too much effort.

It occurred to me that maybe doing via a blog for now would be a start. Once I am done writing, I am going to share this blog with the request that if you know of any events you leave a comment with a link. Over time I will see what I can do to actually compile a list. In the meantime, a list will be started in the comments thread.

I realize this has nothing to do with cancer. But by now if you are a reader of mine you know this blog is about life, of which cancer is a part.

Given I have no other ideas, this is where I will start and if you have any info, I ask you to contribute any way that you can.


(If you could put the content in this structure that would be great, too)

Name of Expo.
Website of Expo.
Any info/description about expo, speakers, types of vendors, costs, month(s) of the year, etc.

Where Did Ums Come From? (Video)

In the video:

Looking to do an Indiegogo campaign: would you help?

Someone wants to do streaming of a fundraiser for me,
I need to know if a band doing a cover of a popular
song would be a legal problem...do you know?

And a bunch of other things.

ovarian cancer symptoms

Guest Post: Live An Authentic Life by Cindy London

From time to time I post blogs from other people. I like the idea of doing that as it gives a different voice and might provide a different perspective. I am all about the power of perspectives, and not each perspective is going to empower everyone.

The following is from Cindy London, MS, CCC/SLP, a Transformational Life Coach. If you like what she has to say, great, feel free to pass it along. If you don't, that's fine, too. Sometimes we benefit by hearing what another has to say as it strengthens who we are and what we believe. Comments are welcome. And if you would like to be a guest blogger, please be in touch.

Life just keeps coming….there are so many things to do and you just have to keep barreling along to get things done. But are you living an authentic life, a life that is true to your purpose, a life that resonates with your very core?

We only have one life, right? Why not live it as authentically as possible. It can be done, it doesn't have to be hard. If you are experiencing struggle and difficulty, then these are the signs that you are not resonating with your true self and are using old patterns to solve problems.

So let's get in touch with YOU.

How does one do that? First, close your eyes and think of something that gives you pleasure. Is it listening to music, going to a beach, hearing the meow of kittens, watching a certain show or comedian do his routine, petting your cat or dog, finding the shapes  of animals in clouds…..What are some things that just make you go "Ohhhhhhh…..I feel relaxed……"??? Can you name just a few? Maybe it's sitting in nature, or being with a good friend, or watching your cat or dog sleep. What gives you peace? What brings you into a sense of ease and comfort?

These are ways of getting back to an authentic life. Make a list of these things such as the people you feel good around, the places that make you feel relaxed or rejuvenated,  things you can do that fill you with positive feelings. Then notice how often you have done any of those things in the last 2 weeks. See how you can shift things by building more positive experiences into each day.

By engaging in positive activities you create positive thoughts. This in turn activates a specific pathway in your brain which then releases neurochemicals that support your immune system and helps to reduce stress in your body.  AND you feel connected to your true self.

So….live as authentically as you possibly can every day.

With much love,

Jeff Guidry and his Eagle Named Freedom (Video)

This is quite a story. It makes me wonder how connected we really are, but just have lost sight of it. At the expo this weekend, Don Robertson was talking about being a vegetarian. I don't know what I think of the idea, however, I remain open to the possibility. Part of what he said was as a kid he was taught that "animals are our friends," and then when he thought about eating animals, there was a disconnect for him.

I see videos that show how the animals are treated, and they are difficult to watch. I hear things about what we do to those animals, and it is difficult to hear. I do not know what doesn't have me convert, but for now I am going with what feels right to me. Maybe there is some reason I do what I do and eat what I eat.

It is a difficult conversation. And while some think the answers are universally simple, I am not so certain.

However, having said that, here is a beautiful soul connection. If you have a couple of minutes, please watch.

Post Expo Videos

I haven't yet done anything with the talk...that should be coming, hopefully within the week.  In the meantime, though, I have more videos to post. The following two were recorded after my talk. They might be good to watch to see how I was experiencing how things happened. Maybe you will relate. And then, if you are really ambitious, you can watch my talk and see what you think.

Where Do You See Yourself 5 Years From Now?

Don't you just LOVE that question?

There was a point in my life in which I had had 10 jobs in 10 years. Many of those jobs came from a series of interviews, more interviews for jobs than I would have ever have liked to go on.

One of their all time favorite questions was "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I hated that question. I hated it then, and I still hate it now.

Of course some people will tell you that how a person answers that question will tell you more than the answer itself. At the same time, how in the world do we know what we will be doing next month, much less 5 years from now?

If you had asked me 5 years ago where I would be now, I would never have said in Maryland. I would never had said actively blogging. I never would have said recovering from chemo and ovarian cancer. I never would have said sitting here, talking to you about this question with a big picture of me beside it. If you had asked me what I would have been doing in 2005 back in 2000, I wouldn't have told you that I would be making my living as a hypnotist. If you had asked me when I was 25 what I thought it would be like in 5 years, I would have told you I would have liked to have been married and with kids.

So much of my life has not gone as any 5 year plan would have dictated. 5 years ago I was still in hiding. I knew there were things I wanted to do, but I never knew that getting there would mean going through the things I have. The one thing I would have said is that I would like to be an author and a speaker, though. And, of course, that means I would have eventually needed to get out of hiding.

Maybe there is some value in the question. But how do you tell someone you are hoping to get a job with that you may want nothing to do with them in 5 years? The tide, from the sounds of it, has changed a bit as it seems most companies no longer expect you to stick around. But back when I was doing it, you wanted anyone who hired you to think you weren't going anywhere - even if you were averaging a new job every year, or so.

We make life such a game. We make up all of these freaking rules, and then we try to figure out how to game them. We try to figure out how to win when it might make more sense for us to just be who we are. It would probably leave us feeling happier and more content. We would waste less of our energy. We could - bottom line - just be ourselves instead of whoever we become in the pursuit of a "win."

There is another reason this whole 5 year thing bothers me these days, and it has to do with the cancer thing. There are those who talk about 5 year survival from cancer. It is a statistic of cancers that seems bantered about a lot. I try not to think about it.

After all, none of us knows if we have 5 years from today. Many of think we do. But there really is no way to know with absolute certainty, at least not the kind of certainty we have when we answer the question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Today it was suggested to me that I use Kickstarter to help me help myself and get my book written. Since so many people over time have asked about one, I know there is a reason I need to write one.

I looked at Kickstarter and saw that they have conditions on projects that I would not be able to meet. And there is a piece to the puzzle that I would like to add (a percentage of the sales would go to the Cancer Support Foundation) that is not allowed on Kickstarter.

Indiegogo was suggested as an alternative that is more flexible. I like what they offer. As long as I meet my goal, they only take 4% of what comes in. That seems more than reasonable. If I don't make my goal, they take 9% - if I want to keep any of the money pledged.

The way I am looking at it, I think I will go for all or nothing. In a previous blog I talked about this "crazy" plot idea that would revolve around someone's life being dependent on the support of a vote. If that person didn't get enough support, there would be no life to live.

While that likely would never happen - and I certainly hope that it never would - I got to thinking about what you can make happen when you HAVE to make it happen. If I know that in XX number of days that I have to have XX amount of dollars or it ain't gonna happen, I am going to do everything I can to accomplish that goal. In addition, if others help me to make it happen, they believe it is a worthwhile endeavor, and I think that could be a good thing.

Given the way I am beginning to formulate this, I don't know that a partial would help that much because what I want to do is have enough money/incentive to be able to focus on 2 things only: My radio Show and My Book. I can't be worried about making money and paying bills. I am not sure yet how much money that entails, but I am working on it.

I am thinking about incentives, too - like T-shirts, free MP3s, free books, free access to me, free prints of Cedonaah work, and...?

Do you have any ideas? Can you help with this in any way? If so, I am all ears.

Part of the reason that this is now making me anxious is because of the timing. You may have noticed 5-15 is part of this blog title. May 15, 2012 was when I found out I had a tumor. I was thinking that May 15, 2013 would be a great day for the fundraising to end. The timing is interesting to me, to say the least.

If I do that, I should probably begin this fundraising venture no later than mid-April, and maybe even the beginning of the month.

Another piece is the fact that I don't really know how I am going to do this. But I am willing to jump in sooner, rather than later...but I am going to need some help!

I am thinking that I need to speak for those who feel they can't. I am thinking I need to talk about the things that people aren't able or willing to talk about. I am thinking that I need to write, even if I don't really have a clue yet how it will come about.

But I would have a really hard time doing it now with everything that I am trying to balance. If I could raise the money, it could really help me do what so many have been asking me to do. It is
interesting, too, because it has come to that. It isn't so much people asking IF I am going to write a book, but asking me WHEN I will.

It seems some of you think it would be a good thing. And it is something I very much would like to do. Am I putting too much pressure on myself?  I don't know. It just doesn't help that there are so many things I am trying to focus on and do - including trying to survive.

If you think you could help me put this together, or if you would be willing to help support me in this venture, I would love to hear from you.


Feeling on Edge

Why am I feeling on edge?

I think it is a combination of factors.

For starters, there was a contest that ended recently, and the results were posted today. The winners weren't by name, but rather by number. Apparently a number I should have gotten in an email.

I am kinda nutty when it comes to emails, for various reasons, and while i thought I knew which email I used, I couldn't find anything. So I looked in other emails. I tried one way of searching, and then another, and I tried more than once.

Did I ever even get the email? I don't even know. My mind has a hard enough time remembering the things it thinks is important. I don't know that I knew that any email from the contest site would have been important to note/keep/pay attention to.

Hopefully there will be some way to work it out. It is unfortunate, though, as I have spent more time and energy than I had to go looking. And to come up empty - frustrating as all heck. I probably wouldn't have even bothered, except that there are some good prizes, including a mini iPad. I know Mercury is now direct, but it wasn't during the contest. Can I blame Mercury? I certainly am tempted to.

It is no big deal. I was glad to share what I did. But if by some chance I did win something, it would be nice to know.

So then I am stressing about things. After my last entries about scams and Facebook, you likely know a part of what I might be feeling. Things like that really get to me. It is amazing to me that scammers are so successful in getting "help," while I continue to struggle.

In addition, I am trying to orchestrate my thoughts around the radio show. There is a lot of work I need to do around it.

Plus I am still tired. Probably should have slept today - but didn't.

And then, there is another thing I was thinking about...
(continued in next blog entry)


I share this to provide some perspective. Those of you who are connected with me on Facebook may have seen this already.

I am also posting it for the "historical record." I try to have things in one place, although it doesn't work too well. But I try.


I posted this on Facebook earlier:

By now you must have heard that I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year. I have written and talked about it so much, it would be hard to miss - even with Facebook's odd posting "rules."

It is an "old" story by now. It is one you have probably heard more than you have wanted to about. It is certainly one that I have shared more than I want to about.

The thing is...my situation - while in the process of changing - is still very much one of need and without any real options. I had applied for Food Stamps because I wanted anyone who wanted to help to know that I was doing all that i could for myself.

The thing about Food Stamps, though, is that they will require me to go to job training, apply for work, and accept any employment offered me. While you might think that a good thing, let me tell you why it is not.

First of all, at most I will receive $200, so any hoops I jump through will be for this amount of money. It is no small amount, I would LOVE to get that from someone, but it isn't "free" money. It will cost me. It will cost me in time. It will cost me in energy. It could ultimately cost me the business I am working so diligently to create. I could also wind up with nothing, and be energetically depleted.

I do not have the energy I had pre-diagnosis and treatment. It is said chemo runs through your body at least 6-12 months after treatment. That means I am still affected by it. I could pretend I am not, but it doesn't work when I am sitting somewhere in the middle of my day and my eyes are closing despite my desire for them to stay open.

Yes I could try to force them to stay open and force myself to have energy, but it might just be that my body needs the rest. I cannot take care of myself that way if I had a J-O-B.

I am more than happy to do whatever I can to make an exchange of some sort for any help you may offer. I have a lot I can offer. Maybe you can advertise on my radio show or site or my blog. Shortly i will be coming up with all kinds of ideas and options.

If you don't want to just give me money, maybe you would consider doing something with me business-wise.

I have begun to charge my credit cards for my needs, but I will not be able to charge the nearly $700 I am going to need for health insurance beginning next month.

I am trying to be calm, but I REALLY am running out of money. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I need to keep my insurance given everything that has happened, and I really don't want to find myself in a big financial abyss.

I am really in trouble.

PLEASE help if you can. Please tell others. You might be surprised what someone who is a stranger to me would do if you vouched for me. I have had some strangers be more generous than those I know personally.

I would not ask, unless i absolutely had to. And this is a HAVE TO. If I had raised what I was looking to raise when I first asked, I could have stopped asking months ago. In some ways it would seem I don't have the right kind of "cancer story." I am not looking to get married, I don't have the "love story," I don't have kids.

I am just me. An individual who is struggling and doing the best she can to make it. I am an individual who would do whatever she could to help another, and I am an individual who really just needs some help.

So please. Please do whatever you can. I am running out of ways to ask.

Thank you and thank you for any help that you may have already offered. I could not have gotten as far as I have without it.

You can send money to me via ThankYOU@PayPal.com or use the site http://gofundme.com/rioj8.

The radio site is http://WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com/ if you want to know more about what will be available, please be in touch.

You can learn more about what I am doing in relation to cancer by visiting http://relatingtocancer.com/

You can learn more about me and my journey with cancer at

You can see a number of videos I have created along this journey at http://relatingtocancer.com/videos.html

You can see more about me and the myriad of things I have done at

You can learn more about hypnosis at

You can see a number of free wallpapers I created at

There really is a lot to me. If you get value from anything that I have done, it would mean a lot to me if you would be willing to share and/or contribute to me.

Thank you.

I then posted this status a bit later:

Earlier I posted another request for help. A real sweetie shared my gofundme page on her profile. The conversation then was about how pages like mine are often scams. If you share about my page, please say something about me.

Please let those who know you know that I am not scamming. If you have any question in your mind as to whether or not I am scamming, talk to me - I will do what I can to put your mind at ease. I know the world we live in - and in cases like this it cansuck - big time.

This is what I posted as a response:

Thanks for sharing this. You are so sweet to do it. To anyone else, if you wonder if I am a scammer or not, I invite you to take a good look at the page that I created, and my blog http://anewme515.blogspot.com/. I knew there would be people who would question the validity of the situation. It is in part why I am as open as I am. There are many facets to me, and I am self employed. My reputation hangs on what I say. I am not about to be anything but honest about my circumstances. I have also offered people things in exchange for their donations. If there is something I can do in exchange, I will do it. If you have any questions about me and my situation, you are free to ask me. I also have some people vouch for me as well who are willing to have you be in contact with them. Of course I could be a really good scammer. But I really must suck at it, as I have barely been able to raise the kind of funds real scammers do. I understand your caution. You should be be careful. At the same time, please consider investigating a situation before making a judgment. Someone may be in real need. And I am not talking about myself, although it certainly could include me.

Videos of Me at the Expo

I took these videos while being a vendor at the Expo.

Just a few quickies of me.

(My table at the Expo)

Why Your Logo is Irrelevant (Free Ebook - Limited Offer)

In November I went to a seminar, and met Michael Drew, a co-author of the book Pendulum in Action.  He also presented at the seminar about 20 year trends that repeat themselves over an 80 year cycle.

It is an interesting read, and odds are you will see what he is talking about in how things are in our society at the moment.

I am sharing this in part because for the next day only there is a free ebook available on Amazon that might interest you. You can get it here:

Brand Strategy 101: Your Logo Is Irrelevant - The 3-Step Process to Build a Kick-Ass Brand (The 7 Steps to a Successful Business in a Changing Market).

Check it out, and see what you think. And if you care to share, comment here to let others know what those thoughts are.

Vulnerability and Truly Living

I think I may have shared about her and this video before, and if you haven't seen it, you might want to take the time to view it. At the time, Brene had no idea where things would be headed.


I just saw Brene Brown on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. I had so many problems trying to watch it. But I was determined, and I am really glad that I watched. I suspect if you watch it, you will, too.

I have often said since being diagnosed that if you are scared of something, odds are it will show up - in your face. Brene was no fan of vulnerability when she started her odyssey. She even talks about the intention to "beat it back with a stick."

Some of the things she talks about and says (in her interview with Oprah) are:
- the #1 casualty of a scarcity culture is vulnerability.
- vulnerability is the "birth place of everything we are hungry for"
- perfectionism we think "protects us from being hurt, but prevents us from being seen"
- "there is no innovation or creativity without failure."
- inauthenticity "is contagious."

So many pieces of what she speaks to resonates for me and my experience. One piece she also talks about is how so many people have a hard time embracing joy. The reason, she says, is a fear of losing whatever brought that feeling of joy. She tells the story of a man who lived very much in the mid-zone of life. If it worked out, it was a nice surprise, if it didn't, he wouldn't be too disappointed.

He then lost his wife of 40 years in an accident. He then tells Brene that he should have embraced the joyful moments more when he had them, as his reluctance to embrace them when she was alive didn't keep him from feeling the pain that he was feeling at that moment, in her death.


It made me think about how things have been for me romantically the last few years. With great fear I allow myself to be in the relationship. It has taken everything I have each and every time. And each and every time I allowed myself to go there, I was extremely vulnerable. It was very scary. It was also more rewarding in ways that I would have a difficult time describing. I got things I never would have gotten, had I not allowed myself to be vulnerable.

And I think that man is right. I think I still would have hurt when things went a different way than what I wanted, but I wouldn't have had the incredible, delicious, wonderful morsels that I got by being so open and being so willing to risk. I am truly grateful for what was. Had I not been that way, I would have not only have "lost" those situations, I would have been left with an empty shell from my time spent.

There are some days I think that if my life had ended last May there would have been a lot more sadness and disappointment in my life for the things that I hadn't done. I think I have lived more fully in the last several months than I have lived the whole rest of my life. And I would have to say that being vulnerable and open is what has given me that gift.

However being vulnerable and open hasn't been so much fun. It has been difficult. It has been at times almost impossible. It has been frustrating. It has been disappointing. What it has been - is life. And the times that we try to remove those things from our life's menu, we are essentially removing our ability to live life.

If I found out that my time was up sooner rather than later at this point, I would have a whole different feeling now. I still wouldn't be happy about it (who would be?) but I would come to it with a greater sense of peace having allowed myself to truly live.

*Deep breath as tears gently fall.*

cancer came along and gave me a chance to truly live.

Who wouldda thunk it?

To be scared of something is not to understand it. I now understand what this experience had to offer me. When I looked at cancer before all I saw was death and despair and sadness and so many things that are scary. Now I look at cancer and what I see is...life.

Monday, March 18, 2013

The Things I Do

Today I was talking with someone on Facebook, and
I was asking about she does. She makes jewelry on
a custom basis. I was asking questions because I was
wondering how I might be able to help her get the
word out, as she does not yet have a site.

At one point she pretty much told me with all that I
have going on, I shouldn't really worry about it. My
response was something to the effect that I couldn't
help myself, it is a part of me that I like - and have

Chemo did a good job of stripping away parts of me
for a while. And one of those parts was the part of me
that has information on the tip of my tongue, ready to
share when appropriate. It has gradually been coming
back - and I love it. I couldn't be happier about it.

(I may come back and give you her info. I just want
to get her permission first to share in this context.)

And then tonight I was talking to Christina Aldan of
LuckyGirlDesigns.com. She is helping me with a
myriad of things, and at the moment is focused on
creating my WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com website.

We were talking about what I am creating in terms
of marketing and promotion and advertising for the 
show, and she pointed something out to me about
how I do much more than most in regard to promoting
others. It really is natural to me.

But the thing is that I do it so naturally that I don't 
get compensated for it. While I don't seek compensation
as a reason to do it, it does take my time and my energy.
Both of which I have in limited quantities these days.

I had stopped doing my radio show in part because of
all of the work I was doing for it. I just couldn't spend
the amount of time I was spending without being 
compensated in some way.

So now I have to figure out how to do what I need to
do and how to offer other things of value in a way that
people could pay for it.

Some radio hosts will charge people to be a guest on
their show. While I understand why they do it, I am not
personally thrilled with the idea. At the same time, I NEED
to make a living. I am truly running out of money and while
I say it over and over and over, it is because I have to. 

I don't want to.

I want to get to a point where I don't need the help, and 
having a successful business model could help, a lot.
I have also decided that I am going to include a donation
option for guests. If they see value in what I am providing
and doing for them, then I hope that they will consider
helping me to get back on my feet and move forward.

We will see how it goes.

There is so much that I want to do and like to do to help
others, it would be really nice to get some financial
thanks in return.

I can't wait to see what develops.


Opening the Door

What a day.

So much for not working at all.

And of course I wish I had gotten more done.

But I am already fading again.

I wanted to write this blog, though, while I
was thinking about it. I don't want to lose
my thoughts. Thankfully it isn't happening
as much as it used to - but it still does.

I have been finding an interesting thing is
happening as I talk to people about my
cancer experience. Actually, there are a
few interesting things.

It seems for many that I get there attention
in a way that I didn't before I mentioned
the diagnosis.

A good percentage of those I talk to tell
me about their experience, whether it is
their own diagnosis, or that of someone
who they know and care about.

They seem to welcome the freedom and
opportunity to share.

I also find there is a freedom in my ability
to speak the truth of my situation. There were
several times in the last couple of days that
I was open about my situation in a way that
likely surprised the people I was talking to.

And I was open because to not be would
have been one, either more awkward for me
or two, I would have done something I
either didn't want to do, or made no sense
to do.

I could have also have just kept my mouth
shut, and kept walking. Had I done that,
though, the conversations that I had that
wound up being incredible gifts, would
never have transpired.

I got to thinking, too, that when we aren't
being true to ourselves in the moment, we
are using a lot of energy. That might even
be a reason why I don't hold back like I
used to. I have limited energy, and what I
do have, I am not going to use that way.

In one of the conversations I heard about
someone who lost one of his family members
to cancer and how it seemed to him that people
didn't want to talk to him about who he lost.


I am going to see if I can reach out to him.
I would love if he'd be willing to share his
perspective here.

We need to talk about these types of things. It is so CLEAR to me how important and needed it is. But so often people say nothing for a myriad of reasons, all of which likely make sense and are darn good.

But sometimes a reason could come along that changes all of that. I would really love for the conversation around cancer to open up to the point that it is no longer taboo and uncomfortable. For it to get to the point that it stops being a block and starts to be an opening and an opportunity. I would love for people to have the freedom to be themselves and to talk about what is going on with them.

There is a lot of love and a lot of pain that gets covered up with the mask many feel they need to wear. And it applies to things other than cancer, too. The cover up applies to many facets of life.

The freedom to be who we are is an incredible
thing - but one not easily claimed. I have claimed
it in great part because of the diagnosis I faced.
I wouldn't have minded if I could have gotten
there without it, but nothing propels you forward
more than something that tells you time might
be running out faster than you thought.

I have told more than one person that I hope
they don't have to stare down their own diagnosis
of some sort to get them into gear and out of
their discomfort.

It's not easy coming out of my shell. But I see
and experience and urgency like never before.
I mentally got all of the sayings before being
diagnosed, but when you really get it, get the
meaning behind the words, that is when things
can really shift.

So this started out as one thing, and ended up
as something else, and yet it is all a part of one
thing, and that is your ability to truly be yourself
and to be able to express that self with a kind
of freedom that should not be reserved "just"
for those who have been sick with a major

It is amazing to be able to speak freely, and it
is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.
It won't be the easiest thing, but it has the
possibility of being the best thing you ever do
for yourself.

signed with lots of JoLoPe*,


Are You a Musical Artist (or someone you know?)

I ask this question because I have an idea in
regard to my radio show

If you are an artist and are able and willing
to give a song away for free in exchange
for some promotion, we should talk.

Please feel free to share this blog and/or
info with anyone you think would
have an interest.

Contact Me.

By the way, because of the nature of
what I am still dealing with, please feel
free to contact me more than once if
you do not hear from me. I apologize in
advance for any blips. They are happening
more frequently than I would like.


Subway (Vine Video)

another little piece of Vine fun

Into the Light (Video)

Had some fun with Vine one day.

The Power and Perspective of Complaints

Is blogging, working?

I am asking myself that question as I was thinking about blogging. I am not sure about working today. Once again, I am exhausted. I know I use that word a lot. Well. I am exhausted a lot too.

Before cancer, I would be tired, but nothing like this tired. And not this regularly. I really hope things even out at some point. As I say that I think to myself maybe it's not the worst thing. If I didn't feel tired I might not have down times. And even when we can do so much, maybe we aren't always meant to be doing something.

As I am typing my eyes are closing. I am not just physically depleted, I am obviously tired, too. Last night when I finally laid down, I got to a point I could barely move. I kept telling myself to move so I could do what I needed to to sleep, but it took a while for the words and motions to connect.

I spent a good part of last evening beating myself up over my talk. I expected more of myself. I felt mostly good going into it, and I had practiced, and it was nothing like what it turned out to be. And again, it occurs to me that maybe that is not such a bad thing. Maybe I said what needed to be said right then, right there, for those who were in the seats.

One thing I don't know ever got into my practices was something that stuck with one of the audience members. A friend made a video of the talk, and I made two yesterday that describe how I was feeling and my perspective. I plan to share all of it, for whatever value it might bring someone who might be watching. I know there are similarities in how we humans approach life, so I am betting at least one or two might get something from my experience and perspectives.

I will do that when I can. I need to recover. I so want to do things now. SOOO much. The urgency feeling is back. I feel like I can't do enough, fast enough. And the list is loooooong.

I know some people who talk about being bored. For a long time I couldn't understand that. I have so many interests and am all over the place much of the time. I have an endless stream of things that keep me from being bored. I once heard that bored people are boring people. I don't know if that is true. If you get bored, do you think you are boring?

I am not sure that is a fair statement, but it certainly is an interesting one.

So the last thing I will leave you with (for now, as you have to know I will be back!) is something I posted on Facebook earlier. It was something that just kinda hit me - in a good way. Maybe you will appreciate it, too:

What do my tired body, anxiety, stress and aching feet have in common? They are all things I am aware of and can feel because...I am Alive. I am very aware of the fact that if things had gone differenly, I wouldn't be ezperiencing any of those things right now.

Oh. One more last thing. I was speaking with someone at the event and before we ever got to the cancer part of the conversation she had things she wanted to express. She wasn't going to, though. She was going to be "positive" instead. I encouraged her to complain. It really wasn't so bad. And once she was done, instead of things being worse, as she feared, she felt better.

After that I told her about me, and she said she was glad that I didn't say it before her complaints as she would never have said what she did. She would have felt that she had nothing to complain about. But, she also acknowledged that complaining felt good, and that she was glad she did it. She even thanked me for the opportunity.

I tell you this for a couple of reasons. One to offer you the experience of the power of speaking what you are really feeling instead of denying it. And two, to be careful about denying your reality in the face of someone else's.

We have gotten to an interesting point in our culture. Many will talk about how much worse someone else may have it as a way to give perspective. Perspective is one thing, but denial is another. You can acknowledge how someone may have it worse without denying the experience of your own emotions and circumstances. Maybe the empowerment part isn't so much in the denial as much as it can prevent you from wallowing in it for any length of time.

Something to chew on perhaps?

Have a great week.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Another Long Day

I really should be asleep right now, but my mind is racing. So much on my mind. So much to do. I have a number of Cedonaahs I want to post. I have a number of videos from the last few days I also want to post. I have to get going on creating the radio show and I need to contact the myriad of folks that I was in touch with the last couple of days.

I am now overwhelmed in new ways. Oh goodie.

My friend said something tonight about how he doesn't see how I can make any money from what I am doing. I am really hoping something will be clicking soon.

I can't keep working as hard as I am, depleting my energies, and not make money.  Something has got to give soon - and it is best if it is not me.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

The End of a Long, Good Day.

It has been a long day.

I had a wonderful time at the WomensExpoMd.com today. I met some really great people, and took a few videos that I will get posted at some point.

I would have liked to have done it tonight, but it just wasn't gonna happen. Among other things I was trying to get my thoughts together about my talk tomorrow.

I have been all over the place about it, but I think I finally came up with an approach that I like and am comfortable with. I just hope it is one that is helpful and beneficial and all other kinds of good words.

Not sure what I think of the pic to the left. The flash kinda wiped me out - but it also doesn't show how tired I am/feel.

Will hopefully catch up with you here soon. Sweet dreams.

Friday, March 15, 2013

WomensExpoMd.com | A few Exhibitors | Video

These are just a few quickie videos from set up this evening.
The bottom three are three wonderful women who are set up
in my general area. There will be lots more; I just didn't have
the energy to do more than these few.

Have a good night, and I hope to see you tomorrow.

See where my table will be, and how to find me,
and see a bit of the scenery. Meet a possible vendor
from gogosretreadthreads.com

Meet Diane Huey of HueyHealth.com

Meet Pauline Bowen of AseaHealth.HealingUsNow.com 

 Meet http://sweetearthessentials.com/ with Olivia McNish MacMillan

For Speakers at WomensExpoMD

As I was there setting up tonight, I took some pictures. For anyone who will not be able to see the set-up until your talk, I thought I would show you what you could expect. I have 4 pictures, 2 looking at the stage, 2 from the stage. Shortly I will also have some video, too.

Sexual Stuff (Shhh)

I wrote an article several years ago called Accepting and Embracing Your Sexual Self.  Every now and again I am reminded of it as I talk with someone about (whispered) "sex" (shhh). I find that many people have issues around this topic, and especially with public discussion or awareness or difficulties with images that might be too revealing for one's own taste.

While I can (and do) respect that people's opinions will vary, not everyone can, or will. The result (kind of ironic, really, given my last post), in my opinion, is a society that has difficulty with an aspect of ourselves. Sex is a part of us. And I think that the fact that it is something that so many have difficulty with it that we find even more difficulty with it.

Part of what I wrote was:

as long as humans continue to make judgments about what they think is “wrong”, “right”, “good”, “bad”, there will always be a diversity of opinions on the assessments of another, based on another’s relative experience. For that reason, someone can always find a way to justify their own behavior.

If you would like to read more, please click here. (The link, by the way, is a blog I used to update regularly. As you will see, I got away from posting there. I may go back one day. I am not sure, but this is my main home - at least for now - and I don't intend to go anywhere after all this blog is call "A New Me," not "cancer me.")

What if...?

What if we don't live in a cause and effect world...
we just think we do?

I know. It's a wild question. And I know it's one
many of those reading this will think I am off for
even considering this possibility.

Oddly this is a question that has been going through my head over and over this morning, and it won't stop. :)

As I think about the question I think about how
many times we, as a society, come to a conclusion
that x causes y only to change it. The most obvious
example of that - for me - is in regard to food.

One minute eggs are good for you. Then they're
bad. No. Good. No. Bad....

Either way that you look at it, there is something in
the egg that is said to cause the goodness or the
"badness." There is a cause at the core.

But the thing is, is there an ultimate cause we haven't
gotten to or is it, perhaps, that we are mistaken that
there is even a cause in the first place.

Why would
I wonder this,
I wonder.

It occurs to me that we as human beings are always
trying to fix, change, manipulate things. To do that
we have a need to figure things out.

As I think about it, many things we have, including
the computer I am typing this on depends on things
acting a certain way when they are put together.
For that reason, there certainly does seem to be a
good case for a world that is full of cause and effect.

But what if there is something more? What if there
is something that we have yet to understand that
would turn everything we know on its head? From
what I think I remember of science, it says that
nothing is solid. However many things do a good
job of faking us out in that regard.

So there already is an illusion about the world we
live in. And because it mostly works for us, we
are happy to keep going and not question it.

It also occurs to me that believing in a cause and
effect world is a way that we can, as humans, feel
empowered. If we know how to make things
happen, we can be at cause. In some ways, it
means the world we live in revolves around us.

It seems to me that the world we live in may have
examples of how that may not be such a good
thing. But that also presupposes that there truly
is a discernable cause.

It would seem that believing in a cause is to believe
in the idea that we can make or break ourselves
and the world all by what we do or don't do.

For as much that seems to be out of our control,
it makes me wonder if we really control the things
we do - or if we just think we do.


I also wonder if what I am speculating on is "true,"
what that would mean, could mean, to us and
the world we live in.

I have often said that whether or not global
warming is "true," we could do a much better
job of being stewards of this place we call
home. Is it possible to just love what we have,
and if so, what would that, what could that,
be like?  Would we do things differently just
because they were coming from a place of
love and respect rather than a place of cause
and effect?


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I just happened to catch it...

At 4:50 PM today

QR Barcode Scanner

You may be wondering what a QR Barcode Scanner is.

Do you ever see those boxes that look funky that people can scan and go to sites with? That is a QR Barcode.

You may not have ever done anything to find out how it works because ...well...you just didn't, or maybe you just thought it was too complicated ...or maybe you didn't know what it was called, or what to look for.

If that is the case, maybe this will make it easier on you.

Here is a link to an QR app that you can get for Android or MAC products. It is called Scan.

Once you have it, you can have some fun with it. Since I am adding QR codes to many of my things for the Expo, I thought it would be handy to have a place that you could get the app at. And even if you won't be visiting, it might still be a cool thing to have if you have a tablet or smartphone.

If you have any questions feel free to ask. I don't know if I'll be able to answer, but I'll give it my best shot.