Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Why Didn't I Think of That?

Today I got an email from someone I only know through an association on Facebook. It put me in tears. If it is one thing that is not helpful, it is those types of emails. It was telling me how I was becoming a "victim." I am not sure what she was basing her assessment on. The posting I made on Facebook talked about how I was sad about my situation, and how I might have to sell my furniture, and that I might have to move up to NY. It was me expressing my emotions and what my circumstances were. I don't know that there was "victim" there.

I even revisited my last few blog entries. I looked at what I wrote. It was about how I was feeling and what I was feeling. There was no blame. There was only frustration. There was no "Why me?" All throughout this I don't think I ever once said "why me?" I don't think I ever once said anyone was bad or wrong for not helping. I just expressed frustration about what the situation was and is. People are not helping me as much as they choose to help others. It is a "fact." Another fact is that I am struggling in many ways. Another fact is that many people don't seem to understand that even the things they may think are the simplest to do - aren't.

In speaking with my doctor today, I was telling her about this. I told her that even if someone came along and said here, do this, this, this, and this, I couldn't necessarily do it. It is not as easy as it sounds. On top of that, I HAVE asked for help - many times - and in specific ways - but have yet to have anyone offer in any kind of business sense. Whenever I can, I have tried to barter for things I want and need. Some times it has worked, others it hasn't. Either way, it takes time and energy to do.

Every time I try to explain this I feel like I am making some sort of excuses. I had met with someone about writing a book. I was telling him how I feel when people talk about tomorrow, and put things off because they think there is a tomorrow. Interestingly, the conversation came around to when was I going to write my book. I knew where his mind went. He felt that I was doing the same thing others do. But it was not/is not the same. I am truly doing the best I can, and the resources others have, I don't. Resources, if nothing else, that include "health."

I have tried GoFundMe for more than one type of fundraiser, and I HAVE asked people to share. I have links on this blog, and I have asked for help. I have asked, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and...

It takes time. It takes energy. It is a full-time effort and job, and it is very difficult to do. I do not know what to do any more.

New people are introduced to me, and each time a new person comes into the picture, they somehow access my situation, but I don't think completely have the picture. Just because someone offers me help doesn't mean (1) that it will be what I want or need at the moment or (2) that I will remember to respond. The nature of my situation has me forgetting things all of the time. I had forgotten that the person who wrote me earlier had written me asking me something. It got buried. It wasn't intentional. But it happens way too frequently. I have tried to use different methods to handle things, but have yet to find one that really works when I often have to push everything but the immediacy of the moment aside. It is nothing against the person, or the offer. I really try to stay on top of things, but things slip. Even if I was healthy, I am sure things could slip, too. Humans do that kind of thing. And yet I find a few who have held it against me because they thought I didn't do what they thought I should have done.

I said to my doctor today that I wondered if I was depressed. She made a distinction I had never heard before. There is "clinical depression" and then there is "situational depression." Given what I have gone through, and continue to go through, she said it is no surprise if I have "situational depression." She was actually quite comforting to me. She also suggested that the medicine I am on could be affecting me. That the possibility certainly could not be discounted.

I often try to consider what others say. But the thing is that in the last year I have started to think that I need not pay attention to anyone else. The "funny" thing is that all kinds of assessments and labels can be applied to me for acting this way.

A part of me wants to roll up in a ball whenever this type of thing happens. I really hate it when someone tries to help me, and it comes off as an attack - for my own good. Maybe it works in other cases or for other people, but there is not much anyone could say at this point that hasn't at one time been said or suggested or that I haven't considered or in some way tried.

In the midst of tears today I had a thought. I was thinking about how many times in my life I have had the attitude that I wanted to see something for myself. Someone else telling me x, y or z wasn't enough. Even if they thought they were "saving" me from trouble, I wanted to have my own experience. Maybe it would be different than they expected. Even if it wasn't, I was OK with it.

In line with that, I was thinking about this cancer situation. Anyone could have told me anything about what it would have been like, but without my own experience of it, it would not be the same. I didn't really ask for this experience, or want it, but it does align with the way I "DO" things in how it has occurred. I have learned a lot more than I ever could have any other way by having to go down this road.

I have also learned a lot about myself and people by doing it so publicly. It really is no wonder that people stay quiet and private. It is really difficult to be the target of what people think of you and how they react as a result. Some people have been absolutely wonderful, but there have been way too many that have been anything but. Yes. I know they have the best of intentions. But sometimes those intentions can sting like bloody hell.

One thing I am learning throughout this is what really truly resonates for me and what fits me. When people say things, it makes me take a step back and look and see if I am being what they say. I don't find myself easily taking on their assessments of me - like I would have at one time. It makes me see things pretty dang clearly, actually.

The bigger problem I have is how to respond to these people. Depending on what they say, I can sometimes just say thank you and move on. Other times, though, it isn't that simple. When someone says something that obviously states that they do not know the whole story, do I take the time, effort and energy to try to explain what they're missing? If I am really going to be honest...and I really don't want to be...but if I am really going to be honest, a part of me wants to tell them to...I really can't say. I want to, but I won't. But maybe you can figure out what it is that I wanted to fill in the blanks with.

That reactionary part of me tells me there is something that needs to be worked on and worked out. If I didn't feel so stretched, maybe I wouldn't feel that way. The fact that I feel in some way obligated to spend energy I don't have to explain something I have explained many times over really doesn't rub me the right way, and I suspect it comes out in that reaction.

All things considered, I think I am doing pretty damn good. But I have my moments. Some moments last longer than others. Some are darker and deeper than others. Some are the "ugly" I talk about in the header of this blog. It is all a part of the fabric of my life. It is a fabric that I don't really like, but I don't have much of a choice right now. And just because I express myself this way, it doesn't mean I am making myself a victim.

I have played that role in the past, and perhaps where I seem to be at times isn't far off. But I know what it feels like, and it doesn't feel the same. So even if you want to judge me that way, it may just be that it is more about you than it is about me.

So there.  Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. :P

I had to end on a lighter, sillier note. Everything has been so damn heavy and serious lately. The tears I shed in the doctor's office today I think really helped. I sobbed. I think there are other times I need to do it, too, but I hold back because of where I am or what I am doing. When I can just let it go, it does feel so much better. And at the moment I feel a lot better than I have the last few days.

There is so much to my situation and it can never be fully and completed encapsulated in a way that everyone everywhere will understand. I get it. And there are times it really sucks. There are times, though, that pieces of this journey are amazing, and the people are amazing and there has been so much more that has come from this than I could ever have imagined.

At this point I would love to say, "She lived happily ever after. THE END," but I can't. All I can say is, "She lived, " and when the time comes, someone else will say "THE END." At some point I would love to add the "happily" part, and when that happens, let's just hope that last part doesn't come for a good, long while.

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In Sucksville, Processing

This flower looks much more cheery that I feel. I feel lately like I am on such a roller coaster ride. I had heard recently how many who are empathic are picking up a lot of the energies that are floating around out there, and I find myself wondering how much of what I feel is personal, and how much of it is the "other" stuff, and how much of the other stuff may make the personal feel a whole heck of a lot worse than it is - although it does pretty much suck on its own.

I have been reading Ayngel's book (Sister, Survivor), and in it she plans to talk about me as a "survivor." I asked her today how that fits someone who may not survive. I kinda wondered if I would give a twist to things that I wouldn't intend. She says that a "survivor" just keeps going. A "survivor" keeps trying to find ways to make things work. A "survivor" never gives up. A "survivor" always remembers that s/he is a "survivor."

Ayngel sometimes gets worried about me, given I don't sound so much "survivory" as I once did. I am disheartened at times, to be sure. This journey that I am on has beaten me down. I really, truly don't know what to do any more. I was telling her today that what I really need is someone who knows what they're doing to take pity on me, and help me. My concern is that I would seem "just" like anyone else who needs money, why would they help *me*?

I would like to think that there are lots of reasons to help me. Not only is my heart in the best place, but I am in a good position to really help others, if I could only get help myself. Even if I can't truly work, I have been told that my telling my story has been helpful. It will be hard to continue to do the things I have been doing if things keep going in the direction they've been going.

I am really afraid that my world is shrinking. I am really afraid that if I have to go up to my mom's that it will not be a good thing - in any way. I know that others feel otherwise, but they are not me, and can't possibly truly understand what it is to be me. Plus, my guess is that because it is an option, some might even be "relieved" for me - which is really some relief for them. "She's OK, if she's with her mother." It would be some form of denial, really. Am I truly OK because someone thinks I am? I don't think so.

It's not that I am ungrateful. It's just that so much is headed in a direction that scares the sh*t out of me. Having to sell my things bothers me. Having no other choice bothers me. I thought earlier about how I would like to be at peace with things, surrender to things, but I feel in a way like if I surrender, then I am giving up. I know consciously it is not the same thing, but it doesn't matter. It really bothers me. It bothers me to see others making plans and moving forward and having the ability to do it. I am happy for them. I truly am. It is just that it puts the extent of my unfortunate circumstance that I can't seem to do anything about in my face. It makes me stare at it over and over and over.

I wish I had someone in my life to be there with me, side-by-side. I wish I had someone I could lean on and lean toward. I wish I had someone I could curl up with, and the world could just go away for a while. I have tried to put myself "out there" to meet people, but I just don't have the energy to play the "game." The most interested person scared me, as he said I was the one for him way too enthusiastically, and that was based solely on my profile. We hadn't even talked yet!

I need things that are going to support me right now, not things that will withdraw my precious, limited energy. At the same time, I also fear that I will leave this life without feeling loved by someone. A part of me unselfishly thinks that might be a good thing, as someone won't have to feel the pain of losing someone they care about. But selfishly, I wonder if having that love and support could help me heal and move forward and be in life for a while.

At the moment, I really don't know who or what I am living for. No husband. No kids. Family off living their lives. Friendships have changed. I wanted to believe that I could make a difference in the world, but I don't know how to speak, or where to speak, or how loudly to speak to be heard in a way that seems to matter. It could be I am making a bigger difference than I realize (I often think of It's A Wonderful Life), but I really - for me - need to have something more real and tangible.

In a way I hate to write these things. I suspect there will be some who will want to fix things, or make them better. There will be some who might be tempted to give cliches and quotes. Not that I don't appreciate good thoughts and energy...I do...but when it comes attached to something that tells me how I should be, it doesn't really work for me.

I don't really want to leave this life. I enjoy it a lot when things seem to be working. The problem is that there doesn't seem to be enough of it in general these days. I am frightened for so many reasons, but I would much rather be able to live life and share what I have to offer.

If there are any angels out there, I am asking for help. Pleading, really. I am at the end of my rope. I really don't know what to do and I really need to know that I matter. I need to know that I am not going to be a drain on others, but instead can make whatever difference I may be here to make. I am exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have so many more questions than answers.

Inner peace would be nice - especially if nothing is going to change.

Thank you.

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Sunday, July 28, 2013

Furniture for Sale - Possibly?

In the next few weeks, I may be selling some furniture. At some point I can post some pictures. However, in the meantime, I thought I would post something to see if there might be some interest.

There are two couches - both are full-sized sleepers, in good condition. One is blue and white stripped. The other is gold color. The blue and white has had cats on it, the gold one has always had a cover, so cats were never directly on it.

There also is a full-sized bed and frame as well as a small dresser and 2 night tables and a trunk, all in honey finish, southwestern style, with a door on the bottom and drawer on top.

I may also sell a small dining set (with 4 chairs and a glass table top) that is metal. I haven't decided if I want to sell that yet, though. The same goes with a "cuddler" which is a deep red color. It is a chair that reclines and is the size of 1 1/2 recliners. It is really comfy.  I will definitely not be happy to sell either one of these things. But could possibly consider it if the price was right.

If you are, or anyone you know is, in Maryland and might be interested in any of these things, please contact me and we can discuss possibilities. The person buying it will definitely have to come and pick it up.

And while I know that no one ever wants to pay a $1 more for anything than they have to, please keep in mind that I am in a bad situation financially, and you will not only be getting something that you hopefully will love, but you will be helping out someone in great need, who does not yet know where she will be living in a couple of months.

Please feel free to share this with others. When I know more I will update.


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When Something Goes Wrong...

"When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "Plot Twist," and move on!"

I saw this on Facebook today. It sounds so simple. I tried to imagine how someone just diagnosed with cancer would do this. Would it even be possible? Does anyone ever take a diagnosis in stride? I guess I kinda did, but I think it was more a case of being stunned and in shock. In theory, I like the sound of it. Besides, being diagnosed with cancer suddenly and drastically certainly IS quite the Plot Twist! 

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An Odd Moment

I just found out that my father's first wife passed away. It's kind of a long story. The short one is that she had every right not to like me. My father cheated on her with my mother. I was a result of that time. I hadn't even met my siblings from his first marriage until about 15-ish years ago. I had never thought I would meet them, quite frankly. It didn't seem for the longest time that it would happen, or make any kind of sense that we should meet.

But then one day it happened. And all of my siblings seemed to welcome the contact, and I even met her - their mother. She was awesome with me. I enjoyed talking to her, and it was pleasant time spent.

If I was in NY, I would want to attend the funeral. Well. Not really. Going to my aunt's funeral was surreal. I couldn't help but wonder if mine might be coming sooner than I wanted it to, and if anyone else had that thought cross their mind. But, putting that aside, I would want to be there to support my family. We aren't that close. Things kinda started with a bang, but became more of a simmer, but there was something about all of us that just clicked when we met. Something about my father's genes must have in some way translated into a comfort that we had with one another.

One day I will probably talk about it more. But now is not the time.

Sending lots of love to my siblings and their families for their loss.
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Courageous. That is a word I have heard a lot in the last year. At first I didn't like hearing that word. How is it courageous to do what you have to do? What you must do?

I heard that word, too, when I drove cross country by myself a few years ago. Even then, I was like, no way. That felt like the "right" thing to do. Is that courageous?

I think I have often thought of courage as something that is done in the spur of a moment. Something that is done without thinking - and often for another's benefit.

I suppose I made this up somewhere along the way. I have been told that I take something away from others when I push this label away for myself. For that reason,  I am finally looking up the word courage, to see how it is "truly" defined:

Courage is the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation

1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery

2. Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.

Facing something...without fear. I don't think I could say that I am fearless in my situation. In actuality, I think there is a lot of fear.  Driving cross country I don't know that I was afraid, either, but I did have concerns.

A willingness to confront something.



When you have no choice, are you "willing?" In a way, I suppose I had a choice. I could have easily have been dead now. Willing has such mixed connotations and feelings for me.

I had heard that the origin of the word comes from cour- which I believe means, "from/of the heart." Interesting to see it in the definition as obsolete usage, but it makes sense, as how many would really know that? Interestingly, the obsolete definition is the one that I feel fits my situation right now.

More than ever I am living from my heart. More than ever I am speaking from my heart. My life truly is one that comes from my heart and my soul. It can't get any more real. Any attempt to be anything other than I am would be nearly impossible. The idea of it bothers me more than I think I could describe.

I guess that is what happens when you can no longer linger in the idea that life "is." Life only is because it is here - in this moment. There is no tomorrow. There is no today. There is only now, and to be anything other than who we truly are in this moment is a travesty. TRAVESTY.

And yet it is a travesty that we ignore. We get caught up in life and lose sight of the things that should be right, up close and personal - and in our face.

It seems that people are acknowledging me for being what we should all be - at all times, or at least more often than we are. As often is the case, their acknowledgement is probably more about them than it is about me. They see something in me that perhaps they wish they could have for themselves. I know through the years that was the case for me.

There is a lot of freedom in being oneself, more than life deceptively let's us think there is. It is so much easier for me to be who I truly am, without having to pretend that I am something I am not.  It seems that when we are truly being who we are, it is the easiest - and most natural thing - be. It's all the other stuff that covers things up and distorts them that makes life complicated. I would say to be courageous is to live by heart, in "good" circumstances and in "bad."

Funny thing words are. I have to wonder how many people who call me "courageous" are calling me it for the reasons I could come to the conclusion that I am. Does it really matter what definition is used? I guess the reason I question it isn't so much the word or the meaning but what goes behind it all. We use the same language and words, but so often we come to different meanings and conclusions because of what we bring to it, and choose to take from it.

So much of who and how I am is someone who questions things. I probably do it too much sometimes. I could just take a word, a label, and be done with it. But, no...I have to be sure that in some way I don't feel like I am being a fraud by accepting it. And, of course, there are some labels I would prefer not to wear in the first place. And others I just don't think fit, that are just plain wrong.

But that's the problem with labels, they're more subjective than people realize. I suspect that labels do more for the creation of our own world than they do for another's. It strikes me that a label is really more about me and how I see the world than it is about the thing or person that I label. Maybe that is why I react to the word "courageous" like I do. It's because even though it is perceived to be a "good" thing, someone else is labeling me, and it seems to me that if someone uses a label I already use for myself, it's OK, but if it's not...it's not so OK.

Very interesting.

Once again I went somewhere I did not expect to go. But I like it. I like figuring things out. I like understanding myself better. I like understanding why I react so strongly to some things.

Ayngel has called me a "Survivor," and she'd really like for me to embrace that term. In reading her book, I can see how she comes to it, and why she uses that word. But even though I see how courageous may fit me, I don't know that I am likely to use it for myself. I'll say I live from my heart, rather than use the label that means that. In the same way, I can be a "Survivor" in how I live my life and forego the label. Who and how I am in life is so much more than a label can convey. I would rather be known for the things that I am, rather than the umbrella that encompasses all that I am.

Interesting how I come to these things. I know it is likely to be unusual, but for it to be anything but that, I wouldn't be myself. I wouldn't be courageous. LOL. I couldn't help myself. That was really said with tongue-in-cheek. Having said it, though, I am open to the idea that things could change. One never knows. So much has changed over time. If you had known me 10 years ago, it would have been a different me, and I certainly would not have said that things I have come to today.

Yesterday - twice - I heard how nothing in life is certain, except change. I can't come up with anything to counter that statement, so at the moment, I would have to agree. But there have been things I have agreed with in the past that I have come to see and experience differently, so who knows? That could change. And I reserve the right to always be me, even if it is different than who I was yesterday.

Have a great day. And thanks, as always, for stopping by.

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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Things on My Mind

So many things going through my mind. As much as I hate medicine, I am tempted to take some Benedryl for some mosquito bites (at least what I think are mosquito bites).  I have already tried Tea Tree Oil, Coconut Oil and a banana skin - for minimal to no relief. They just seem to love me this year, and at the moment, I have bites in 3 weird places: my chin, my pinky, and my chest. I was pretty much otherwise covered up, so they apparently found what was available, and they are itchy as heck.

I was told that with the treatment I am on that I think it affects me healing in some way. I have to wait at least a month after my last dose, if I was going to have surgery. I can't help but wonder if the bites will take longer to go away because of it. I could, of course, be making things up, but who knows?

I am going to be having a doctor kind of week. I need to see a general doctor regarding my Mistletoe treatments, and while I am there will discuss my blood pressure situation, medical marijuana, and perhaps my hormones. After my hysterectomy I tried at one point to find out what - if anything - I should be doing as a result of the surgery, the doctor I spoke with took the "cancer" route in the conversation. So I am still without any kind of concrete answer, and today someone was asking me about it, and I didn't know what to say. I am still a bit aghast that the surgeons can remove something so vital to a woman, but then shrug when it comes to what comes next. The place I go has so much that they offer, one would think that they'd be a bit better in that regard.

I am also going to be getting blood work and another dose of Avastin. I am not sure what I think. After coming home last time I started to have questions. I don't really like what the treatment can do, but then the other options aren't so great, either. I will be curious to see what my blood work says. I am really hoping it is no worse than what it was last time, and I wouldn't mind seeing an improvement. There are times I really get scared, and then there are times I am so freaking calm. I guess if I am going to die, a part of me is OK with it. Or maybe it means a part of me knows I am not going anywhere just yet.

I have so much I want to do. So much that I need to do. Every day I wake up with the best of intentions. And every day I don't get very far, at all. Today, Ayngel shared with me a "Spoon Theory" that relates to illness. It was created by someone who has Lupus. There is something about it that certainly fits my situation. I try to explain how I feel to people, and I think they often just don't get it. You can read her explanation here (http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/). I highly recommend you read it. It is a great perspective piece that could be helpful for you to help explain your situation (should you find yourself in one) or to understand what another might be going through.

I still want so much to get a book written. I suspect this blog is that book. But it is not yet in that form, and it has to somehow get there. The idea of going back on chemo scares me for several reasons, not the least of which is how it could affect getting it done. But even without chemo, nothing is happening in that regard. The move is still hanging over me. I still have things to move and pack and sort.

On top of everything else, my body hurts more than usual. I try not to think about it. But it seems to be worse lately. I want to work out, too. That's kinda a joke. But it would be good for me. But that is the problem I have right now. I am trying too hard to survive to do much else. I said this before, and I'll say it again, "Where is Charlie Sheen when you need him?" I really need help so that I can stop fighting to stay at the water line so that I can start getting significantly above it.

What would it be like to get that kind of help?

I am living, instead of existing.
I pay people to do the things that I need to have done, and they do it a lot faster than I ever could.
I have the kind of help I need.
I stopped worrying about where I will live, as I have the means to live somewhere, and am taken care of.
I rest more easily, as I don't stay up worrying.
I write my book and am helpful to others in a way that helps them with their experience of life.
My radio show has depth and a helpful impact on others.
I take better care of myself because I can.
I am not as emotionally drained and it helps my body heal.
I am not as tired physically and can better utilize hypnosis and meditation, and can get more physical activity.
I am caught up with the last 2 years of taxes.
All of my papers are organized.
My credit cards are paid off, so I no longer have to worry about them hanging over my head, and the drain they were on me and the prospect of a financial abyss.
I live simply and focus on good health.

I am wondering what else. I look at this list and think that so many would probably say, "me, too." So often the things I talk about seems to be so very much like everyone else's "stuff." So much so, that I wonder how often it affects how willing someone is to help. One of the differences that I can discern is the fact that I have haven't worked in over a year now, and am not physically capable like many who would likely be reading this. Not only that, but the fact that I have been unable to really take care of myself is likely not helping me get better. If I just tried to stop and take care of myself physically everything else around me would fall apart. Not that it already kinda, sorta isn't already doing that - even with my attempts to do things.

I sometimes wonder how much people really know about what I am going through. I really suspect that many don't have a clue - even when I tell them. Some have told me to find those who understand. The thing is, I don't need someone to commiserate with, I need those around me and aware of me and who can help me to understand. I think Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs starts with the most basic of things.  I can't even really consider much more when even my most basic of needs are threatened.

I really need a break. I really need something different in my life. I just have no clue how that is even possible. Perhaps I should add something about that to the above list: I have the energy, and I am finding ways to experience life and do things and go places. I am enjoying myself - and life - immensely.

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Friday, July 26, 2013

On the Subject of "Help"

On and off today I have been trying to write this blog in my head. I have had things to do, so I couldn't just sit down and write it. A part of me is unsure how it will come out sounding, and I really don't want to offend anyone who has wanted to offer me something they think is helpful - because that is so not my intention. I could just not write what I am about to write, but that doesn't feel right to me.

I feel like I need to say something. Maybe it will help someone somewhere in some way.

Last night was a bad night. I was not in a good place. It happens. These days it happens more than I certainly would like it to - but it happens. I have learned not to bury it or deny it, but indulge in it. I have found that it often helps me process it a lot quicker.

The "problem" comes when I share publicly. When I share publicly there are those who want to help and say things that aren't exactly helpful. Some people are coming in in the middle of the "show" and don't know much about me or what I have been through in the past year. Some have been around the whole time, but may not have kept up with all of the episodes. There are a myriad of people in a myriad of places when it comes to their exposure in relation to where I am in my experience.

I understand that. And.

I am reminded of someone who I used to subscribe to years ago. He was diagnosed with cancer, and basically told people, "I am where I am. I have tried many things. I appreciate you wanting to help. But please just let me be." He didn't quite say it like that, but that was the message.

At the time I was learning about "the power of the mind," blah, blah, blah, and I believe I wrote him, trying to be helpful. I cringe now when I think about it. I think I did the very thing that I don't appreciate. He didn't know me personally and I didn't know what he had gone through, what he knew/didn't know, what he had tried, didn't try. I had no idea what it was like to be dealing with a cancer diagnosis and imminent death, but I still reached out. I somehow thought I had something to contribute.

I never heard back from him after my message.

There seems to be an on-going thing that has happened more than once in the last year. It has to do with the idea of HELP. I had someone tell me once that I should accept help, however someone wants to help. Sorry. But I don't necessarily agree. If someone offers me something that I do not think is helpful in some way, will create more work for me in some way, is more of a problem than a help, then me making them feel good for my accepting their "help" is counter to what they are trying to do in the first place, don't you think?

I have not once resisted someone helping me in a way that *I* think is helpful. I have taken help where it suits me. It would be nice if those who offer help would offer it to me in the way that I need it, or if offering something that I decline, at least respect me enough when I say, "No" without making it about me having issues about asking for help, or taking an offer for help.

I would imagine you only have to look back on your own life and think about the times that someone offered you help - especially of the unsolicited kind. It hasn't always been welcome or appreciated or fit with what you wanted and needed, has it? It probably suited the other person more. But maybe there were times that you took it, just to be nice, or to not create any problems - and it created more work for you. I know there has to be at least one time that happened - and likely a lot more.

Someone who is dealing with cancer has many unsolicited offers of perspective and "help." They are already dealing with a lot, and it takes a lot of effort to deal with the extra things that come their way. A "helpful" suggestion for me to do "x," is not as simple as it may sound. It takes effort. It takes energy. It takes a whole lot more than I have on the average, given that I am functioning in survival mode. I really can barely do what I need to do most days.

Being sick is a freaking full-time job, and at the moment, if I was to be rated, my job performance would be sub-par. I would be fired. So much is going on. Even the simplest of things aren't so simple, and they add up.


Why do I tell you this? Because I am hoping that in some way you might see something for yourself and someone you may care about - even if that someone is a stranger.

Help is welcome. I have listed several ways that people can help, not all of which mean donations. However, donations are the biggest and best possible help because if I could stop worrying about how I am going to get from month to month, I can start living instead of existing. Much of my anguish comes from the in flux, and largely unknown, nature of my life geographically, physically and financially right now.

I don't always want to be re-hashing where things are. However when I have my moments, I have my moments. I don't need solutions. I don't need suggestions. If anything, an ear is good. Asking me what I need is good. Trying to tell me how to be - or how I should think - or what to do, isn't so good.

Thank you for caring. I appreciate it. If I can take you up on your offer/suggestion, I will. At the same time, I don't think there have been too many times in the last year  that someone who wanted to help me has said, "How can I help you?"

In the same way that I ask for your respect if I don't take you up on an offer you extend, I promise to respect you if I tell you how you can help, but you don't feel you can do it. It seems only fair.

Thanks for listening.

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I hate this see-saw of emotions...was crying talking to someone today...they told me not to...my response? I cry pretty much every day. Not full blown cries...but I tear up at least once a day. A thought. An emotion. A fear. At home. In the shower. Out and about. In the grocery store. In the car. There are times it is just all too much. No rhyme. No reason. It just happens. It has become a part of my day in almost the same way that anything else is.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Neat Little Boxes

I saw a post recently with an article about how men treat women these days. I shared it, as it had interesting perspective. I noted that fact, and said that I think it doesn't apply to just men. Someone added that it wasn't so simple. I agreed with that. Another person added something about what women do to have men be that way.

It got me thinking about how in our bite-sized world we try to figure out how to convey a large subject in some conclusive way in only an appetizer-sized portion. Anything can be approached any number of ways and there can be any number of perceived causes and things and people to hold responsible or blame or...

The thing is...

It's not that simple. And yet, it is. It is simple if we are willing and able to look at our own life, our own circumstance, our own perspective and work within what fits and suits us. However, even if we do do that, we are still interacting with others who have a different framework and work within what works for them. Trying to find the place that both (and sometimes many) can co-exist (mostly) peacefully can be a challenge - one that can not - and should not in all cases - be met.

Life does not fit into neat little boxes, but that doesn't stop us from trying to make it fit.

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Key to the Kingdom?

from cedonaah.blogspot.com
I have spent a good deal of my life trying not to be here. To be hidden. Not seen. It is a paradox, really, as a Leo (in astrology) wants to shine, be seen, acknowledged. It seems that I have liked to keep things small, containable. That I like to be acknowledged, but within a limited framework. At the same time, a part of me (my soul perhaps?) wants something more, feels like there should be more.

I think I have mentioned before that once I wrote what I think my mother was thinking when she was pregnant with me. It wasn't positive. Was it right? I have no idea. I have asked her about other things that she doesn't remember, and things that I do remember she seems to have forgotten. So I have no plans to ask her if what I got was right. Besides that fact, we are two very different people, I suspect if I told her what I got - and it turned out that I was right - it would freak her out.

(Interestingly, I don't know if she ever found or reads this blog, so who knows what she really may know about things? I certainly have never told her about it.)

Why do I mention these things?

Because once again I am visiting them. I am thinking about how the DNA changes in a cell and the cell can no longer die. I am thinking about how the cell having everlasting life kills off the organism that houses it. I am thinking about why I am here. I am thinking about what happens next. I am thinking about wanting to survive, but for what? I am wondering what it would take to be able to be the person I know I can be in the world. I know I have so much to offer. I know it. There is no doubt in my mind about that. But I just don't know what is stopping me from doing what I can and being who it is that I might be meant to be.

I wonder if it is me. I wonder if my need to be hidden and not here all these years has somehow translated itself into my being invisible. And then I think about how miserable that is, if that is the case. Why would we have a dynamic that sets us up in a way that we can't alter it in some way? If it is it, why do I have such an incredible blind spot that is stronger and bigger than any conscious, known desire to be something more, something different? Can I get to the point that I will die and have not been able to access it?

Then I think about what if this is how things are meant to be. I wonder if there is some reason this was the route in life that I was meant to take because of what it would offer me in terms of lessons and learning, and what it might ultimately offer others as a result - something that would not have otherwise been accessible - except through this means.

I keep wondering if I am doing things "wrong." If we don't get what we want, what we need, we have to be doing something wrong, right? So much of what we are told these days is that if we want success we have to be a certain way, think a certain way, do life a certain way. I saw something posted on Facebook recently that had a whole long list of what successful people do as opposed to those who weren't considered that.

It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

It troubles me when only certain things, certain ways of talking, of doing, of being are deemed to be "successful" or "unsuccessful." Despite how my life looks and feels to me, how do I know that I am not successful? Why does success have to look and smell and be a certain way?

The other day I also saw someone on Facebook talk about how a particular profession was out of the question for her young daughter. I know it was said in jest, but it made me think about how much influence others can have over us. What if her daughter wanted to be that thing, then what?

Interestingly someone who I believe was a stripper was recently in the news for all of the money she had from her years working. I believe it was around a million. Odds are I am guessing there are those who would have taken great issue with what she chose to do. But she had a MILLION dollars from doing it.

If one goes by money alone, it would seem she was a success.

I am not sure why I am going off on this tangent. It just seems to be where my head and fingers are taking me. So much of life is a big question. It seems to me that those who are seemingly successful think they have it all figured out. These gurus will tell you, too, how to be successful a/k/a have money. The thing is, though, some of these people have a turn in life and suddenly they are the ones potentially without answers.

It seems that when things have been going better for me, I had more answers, too, and thought I knew that much more. But for all that I thought I knew, it really feels like I know nothing. It seems that the circumstances in life often dictate and validate what we think we believe. Things are going well? I must be doing something right. Things aren't going well? What am I doing wrong?

I haven't changed who I am at the core, but my life has drastically taken a turn. What's the difference?

There has to be something more than meets the eye. There HAS to be. There have to be things that transcend what we think we know about life because if there weren't, things would add up the way we think they are "supposed" to. If we did x and then y we would always have z. But it doesn't happen like that.

Add to all of this that I feel deep inside of me that something is "wrong" about how we do and view things, and it doesn't help. Because if I was "right," shouldn't I have a life that looks much different than it does? Shouldn't I be "successful?" I can't possibly be right if everyone else is going in a different direction - and they're the ones that everyone else is paying attention to.

Or can I.

How many people through time have gone a different direction, and found the thing that no one thought they would find "over there?"

It would be all too easy to do things the way other people say - at least in theory. The problem is that the feeling I feel is so dang strong. It just doesn't fit. I wish I knew how best to verbalize it and make it tangible in a way that helped me be more at peace and have more of what I need.

Something tells me that I am doing exactly what I need to do and doing it exactly as it needs to be done, but man oh man...it certainly doesn't feel like enough. I don't feel like enough. Do you know how much I know about a lot of different things? What do I not know that is "the" thing that I need that is the "magical" kingdom opening key?

The irony, of course, would be if I was already standing in the kingdom, and did not know it because I think that the way things are is not the way I think things should be.

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Wednesday, July 24, 2013


Yesterday I took some pictures. I have wondered if I should share them as I have as I wonder if somehow it sends a "wrong" message.

How so?

If I look good, if I look healthy, if I look attractive, can I be in the spot that I say I am?

Several years ago I was in a seminar, and was really sick. I wanted to be home in bed, but because of my commitment, I couldn't leave. I wasn't a happy camper. Not at all.

But I got something from that experience. I got that during my life I had often felt that if I was sick, I had to sound sick, act sick, look sick...otherwise I wasn't sick. I had to "prove" that I was sick to anyone (like a boss) that would care.

At the time I was no longer working for someone, so I could see things differently. I realized that I could feel horrible, but not have to act a certain way. I could actually still laugh, have a good time, and "act" OK. I wasn't really OK, but it was an interesting lesson for me.

Today I became friends on Facebook with someone who almost didn't befriend me because my blog backlinked to Womesexpomd.com. Depending on how you read it, it might read kinda funny. It read that "funny" way to me the first time I saw it, too.  Funny how our mind sees things. Funny, too, how we can make decisions and assumptions about things without even checking further to see what they are about. Had she not done that, she may not have chosen to connect.

At the same time that I am seeking to be as true as I can be to myself and my journey, I am a bit stymied by those perceptions that may come across in a way that isn't helpful. If I look and sound healthy then why would I need anyone's help?

In a world of soundbites, people are likely to make decisions about me and my plight in nanoseconds. They are likely to decide what I do/don't need by what they see and what they think they know. They may read one blog entry alone - when there are many of the almost 900 other ones that show me and my situation in a less affirming, positive, attractive light.

Talia Castellano often wore makeup to make herself feel better. She was one sick little girl, but you would not necessarily know that by looking at her. Sometimes I do what I do because I want to feel better, too. It is difficult to see myself looking so tired and drawn all the time. It takes effort to do what I do to take the images that I do, but a part of me needs it, so the energy is a trade off. It is another reason why I don't do it too often - it does take a lot out of me.

Do I need to share everything publicly? "Need?" No. But at the same time, my experience is multi-dimensional, just like I am. If I cherry picked the things that I chose to share, the picture would not nearly be as complete.

Many saw Talia being all smiles and rarely ever saw the reality of her situation. Occasionally she would be fairly matter-of-fact about what the news was. I think that is not uncommon for many people. If I thought about what others did/did not want to see, it might alter what I showed.

I seem to get a bigger response from people when I am in the more "positive" state, or at least looking great. But the thing is, the response at those times is rarely a financial help - or help at all. I wonder if those times make others feel better about things for themselves? I wonder if they somehow translate it into I am doing OK, so they can sigh a sigh of relief. I wonder if my experience is not really much about me at all, but rather about those who bear witness and their reactions to it.

I wonder how many people think it is about me, but it's really about them?

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Dreams and Some Reflection

I feel like I had a bit of a reprieve from life in the last week. Barely connected to the internet, sporadic phone service, no computer.  In some ways it was like a vacation from life.

I kinda liked it.

Now I have those things back, and I feel different. My body feels more anxious, tighter. When I couldn't do anything because of the external circumstances it was better than not doing anything because of the internal ones. When I have access to all of the things I mentioned, I feel like I should do more.

The "problem" is, I am still tired. I still physically can't come anywhere near close to doing anything that I "should" be doing. While I am now in the apartment, I still have a lot of work and moving yet to do. And organizing. And packing. And...


This sucks.

All I want to do right now is go back to bed. I was sleeping on the floor until last night. I thought it would be ok, but I wasn't sleeping well. I thought if I at least got the bed out, I would know if I wasn't sleeping well because I was on the floor, or if it was because of something else.

I think I slept better last night. But I was dreaming a lot. I dreamt that somehow I found my way back to the past. I want to say it was like the 40s. But I felt like it was a time when I was living...which in this lifetime is not possible. I dreamt I was in a place that was like Radio City Hall, but instead of it being used the way the Hall is used, it was bright as day and an "early" baseball stadium. I was trying to figure out where I was so I could some how validate where I was when I got "back." At some point I thought I was near where my aunt who recently passed away lived, and I thought it was a great opportunity to go see her. I never made it to her, though.  Someone escorted me from the "stadium" to show me the way out. It was long and winding to go where we got to.

I remember thinking, "Wow. Is it that easy to go to the past?" I couldn't believe that no one had figured it out before - especially if it was that easy. It was as simple as taking a trip to anywhere else. Although I am not sure if I knew exactly how I did get there. At some point I was wearing stockings and one leg tore with a big gash, and I had to either walk with a huge gaping hole or take them off. I remembered thinking how radical it would be to have bare legs in that time. I felt like I may have something to teach the past about the present. Would those there be interested? How would it be if past and present came together somehow?

I loved being "there." I really think it was the 40s. Maybe I did live then, who knows?

I have been dreaming a lot lately. I wish I could remember to record them more often. I almost forgot about these dreams, too, and if I didn't write about them now, I probably would have.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It feels like it has been a while...

Every time recently that I see an image of me, I feel like I look tired and stressed. It doesn't help that I am not wearing make-up, or have the best lighting, or am making any effort at all. When I have looked at images during chemo, there is a pretty stark contrast. In many of those images I am making an effort. I felt I needed to - to make myself feel better.

Today I decided to do the same thing. I even pulled out a wig. But when it came down to it, I decided to take some pics without the wig. I am grateful for good lighting and make up and photo filters. I don't really look this good. But I like that I do - even with some "help."

At the moment I am partially amazed at how I look, as I tossed and turned a lot last night. I woke up not feeling so great. I had some diarrhea yesterday, and can't help but wonder if it has to do with the new medicine, as it is listed as a side effect, and when you have it, it can deplete your electrolytes which can make you feel not so great. I have been trying to drink a lot to day to see if it can help. I am also really tired at the moment. It is almost 7:00 (Wow! I had no idea until I just looked), and I may have to go to bed really early tonight, as my eyes just want to close.

I hope I feel better when I wake up tomorrow. I have so much I need to do, and I haven't been able to do much of anything for several days now. Apparently the pushing I did for a few days caught up with me in a big way.

At least I now have good, regular access to the internet again, and decent phone service. It has been really frustrating to not be able to interact as I have in the past. It is something of a relief.

Friday, July 19, 2013

If Only Life Was Simply Lived (Video)

A Day of Peace and Clarity

I am sitting in the apartment that my friend is renting for the next few months. I am incredibly grateful for being here. And I am trying to figure out what I can do in a few months.

I am at times very calm in the midst of this storm. I was listening to something yesterday that said that our DNA is affected by our emotions. From what I can understand, what is going on with me is a result of changes in my DNA, so my ears perked up.

One thing I am not so sure about, though, is the idea that we create our life experience in totality from our emotions. It implies that those who don't get it "right," die. 

Having said that, I am still open to being the best I can be at any given moment. The one thing I feel fairly certain about is that I am unwilling to override my emotions. Yes. I can change them, but I am not certain that that is my right course...at least not at all times.

By changing how I feel, without processing what I feel, I suspect only delays having to deal with it and/or buries it.

Sure I can look at my situation as an adventure or a journey or in any number of other positive ways, but not when some other thing presents itself. Try telling yourself that it is day when it is night, and see how easily convinced you are that it is what it isn't. Even if I told you your life depended on it, it wouldn't change. It would likely just make everything worse.

I think there is a chain reaction that may not always be the way we think it is. What if we somehow got what we think is right, wrong and we just do not know it yet?

Of course it could just be my ego and rational mind that doesn't want to be wrong that is talking. The thing is, though, I have a feeling it is in to something. I am just not sure what.

I guess time will tell. A part of me keeps thinking how could *I* possibly come up with something that hasn't already been known or discovered or figured out. The best I can figure: I can't or won't, someone else has known what I yet to know so when I come to it for myself it will only be "new" to me, or I will discover something pretty dang amazing.

Thank goodness for the calm, peaceful days like today. The days that I am more greatly challenged have me ready to give up.

Days like today have me wondering what all the fuss is about those other times. I can only imagine that each piece is important and necessary in some way. If it wasn't, why would we have it?

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Vlog (Video from Today)

Vlogs | Video Updates from the Past Week

With everything that is going on, I haven't been able to keep up with posting of the videos I have made. For the historical record, I went back and inserted them in the dates that they occurred. However for the ease of anyone who wants to view them, I have also posted all of them below.

from July 10

from July 11

from July 13

from July 16

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Status Update Vlog (Video)

Pick Your Poison (Today's Medical Update)

"You should be glad you're alive." Those words were whispered in my ear by someone who wasn't allowing me to be concerned with how I looked for a picture. It was at a time and in a place that was difficult enough without someone telling me that. A hint for anyone reading: let a person who is in a life threatening situation make their own determinations about what is deemed valuable. Anything less can in some way seem to be a lack of regard for where the person is at the moment. Of course your intentions are good, but you know how often someone with good intentions can rub YOU the wrong way, don't you?

Why do I say this now?

Because I had a bad day. I went for blood work. CA-125 is a tumor marker that they look at when determining how to treat someone with ovarian cancer. After surgery last year it was below 10 and stayed that way the whole time I was on chemo. It even was like that back in April when 3 spots were detected. Today, however, the number is in the 20s. Not a good sign.

It doesn't mean chemo or surgery. Not yet, any way. The problem is the "yet" part. There is something else they can give me. It starts with an "A," but I can't remember what it is called at this late moment. This thing is administered like chemo. It doesn't have issues like chemo, but it has its own set of issues. It messes with how tumors interact with blood supply which means it can affect my blood pressure which means I could wind up on blood pressure medication. Right before I sat down to write I felt like I could pass out. I don't know if it was because it was a super long, stressful day or if it might have something to do with it. It could also open up a hole inside of me that would require immediate surgery. A hole. That could come without warning. Stroke is another possibility. Issues with my kidneys. Sounds lovely, doesn't it?

I cried with 3 different people today. I admitted that there are times that I think about how it would be to just "give up" and let nature take its course. One person said she wasn't as concerned as she might otherwise be because I didn't sound suicidal. However, she said that human nature is to want to survive, and that the fact that I could say what I did was of concern in and of itself. She put in an appointment for me to see a Psychiatrist when I am next there. I don't know how that is going to help. It won't change one thing about the stresses of my situation. I get tired of talking about them, and it doesn't matter who I talk about them with. Whether or not the person has a degree or license doesn't change a single thing for me. And neither would any potential medication someone might suggest - which I would have zero interest in taking.

I had posted on Facebook a brief summary of the day. I commented about my mixed feelings. Someone said that because there is no chemo it is good news. Well. Yes. But No. It is an incredibly mixed bag. I feel like some think that I am supposed to feel good about this news, and in some way I feel deficient for not being fully in that optimistic place.

To say I am scared is an understatement.

This thing is supposed to help with potentially reversing the tumors. If it does its job, it could save me from chemo and/or surgery, which would definitely be a good thing. But another thing is that when you have to "pick your poison," you are still having to pick a poison.

I kinda don't like that metaphor. But it really is a choice between things I would rather not be choosing at all. If I was "just" dealing with that one thing it would be one thing. But the fact that I am having to deal with so many other things has me feeling anything less than hopeful. There is no question I am struggling these days to make it in more ways than one. And struggling to survive is no life to live.

I am not suicidal. And yet it wouldn't take much to end it all. It seems cancer is more than happy to do it for me. Do I want it all to end? No. But do I want to live the life that I have? No. Do I know how to reconcile all of this?


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Friday, July 12, 2013

Who is Right?

Yesterday I saw a blog from someone about food. It is interesting for me to see how people interact with the subject, given my situation. There are those who believe you should eat a certain way, and that is the right way, period.
That is one thing. Another is the expectations one may have around another doing things the same way they do.

Ever since I have found out the things I have about food, and products and the chemicals that are in them and affect them, it has altered how I do things. I have also shared with some about what I have learned. One day I met with someone who had ordered a smoothie with strawberries in it. When I looked at the menu, I had considered it, as it looked yummy. The thing, though, was that I had heard at one time that a really nasty pesticide is on any that aren't organic, and are grown in California - which most are.

I told him this, as a way of explaining my choice, but then apologized. Perhaps I shouldn't have spoiled it for him. He actually thanked me, as information like that is something that interests him to know. Going forward it sounded like it would potentially alter his choices.

In a different conversation with someone else, the topic of sweeteners came up. I shared what I knew about them, and provided some information to that person to review for himself. He didn't like what he read, and said he was going to stop drinking a soda that he had been drinking in great quantity.

Again, it would seem the info was welcome.

In both cases, I know what I think is best for me. At least what I think is best, given the best possible, available information. But questions remain. There are so-called experts on all sides of an issue that can make their case. How do we really know what is THE right one? I think it often depends on who you are talking to.

Because of the questions that I have, I tend to share and then shut up. I don't share in all cases, and in general I try to respect that a person may not want to know and/or may not care. And since I have no absolute certainty about anything, I leave it to the person to decide what, if anything, to do with what I tell him/her.

As I write this, I find myself wondering if I have aways approached things this way, or if it is my current level of awareness and sensitivity that has me handle things as I do. I think I often have had a "let live" kind of mentality in life, but I think it just has a different feel and a source/foundation that I didn't have before.

Have I judged the choices of others? Absolutely. Did I later see why they made the choices they did, or at least had a better understanding of what they may have been dealing with? There were definitely times that happened.

The blog I read spoke to the intolerance of some who "know" they are right about their food choices, and expect others to care in the same way. The conversation evolved around the current arguments about food.

I wonder, though, how many realized that it really wasn't a food conversation. In very much the same way, many of our disputes and conversations are not about what we think they are about, either. I often think about the dilemma we have when our opinions and beliefs are at odds with another, It is one thing to differ, but another thing to impose ourselves on another. Some people would say there are situations in which that is a requirement for us to mutually survive. And there are times they might be right.

But the thing is, there are many things that really don't require the input of others and their judgments - except for the fact that someone has tried to make, or has made, the case that a person's private choices can have an affect on others.

There are times I suspect we just have a need to feel like we are right about what we say, and if someone disagrees with us, we take it as a personal affront. There might be times when the ego just needs to be able to have its way - even if it steamrolls another in the process.

I realize as I feel that people should be given space to be themselves, it is the way I think right, or best. Is it? Of course, *I* think so. But the mileage of others may vary.

So. Who's right?
Well I am, of course. :P

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

From the Archives

Someone I used to work with had a similar temperament as I did. He was offbeat, a practical joker, and many other things. One day, for some reason I no longer remember, he lay down on the copier and copied his badge. He moved, and it wasn't much of a photocopy. It, however, inspired me. I took the image, and added the text. It kinda doesn't make sense. But it was still fun at the time. :P

Mets Playoff Game (From the Archives)

This was the stub from a 1999 Playoff game. It was a really long game that went into many extra innings. I am not sure, but I think it was the longest playoff game ever. However, the person I went with and I left before it was over though.

It was special in another way, as well, as the person I was with was pretty special, too.

Vlog | A Couple of Dreams and Other Things (Video)

I Needed to Write

Trey Ratcliff | StuckinCustoms.com
So all I wanted to do was go to bed. But something kept telling me to write, write, write. About what? I didn't have a clue. But the feeling just gnawed at me. Quite frankly at the moment I am annoyed, and on edge. I really need to sleep. I slept horribly last night (as you may already know), and today was a long freaking day.

Tomorrow will be busy, too, and the next day and the next and the next and the next...Monday will probably be pretty hectic, too. Somewhere in the middle of all of this I have to manage to maintain some sense of sanity and hope that my energy holds up.

I have to admit I feel really out of sorts. Packing things is bad enough, but when you don't know how long you will be somewhere, and you don't know what you're doing after you leave there, and you are tying to rid yourself of things and sort through memories and live in the present it is not fun.

I think I heard once that the things we need to do fill up the space we have to do them in. I am getting down to the wire of what I have to do, and will likely finish just as it has to be done. Amazing how that works. But not surprising. I could have been done a long time ago if I had worked non-stop and if I had been willing to live packed for a time.

Why did I have a need to write tonight?

I was thinking of sharing a letter I wrote to someone that I found earlier today. It is beautiful and in it I am vulnerable. Something tells me to share it at some point. Perhaps I will. I am not sure why anyone would be interested, but that goes for a lot of what I share here. I sometimes wonder what people think of what I write. I suspect that I only share what most never would. Does the sharing publicly bring a certain type of judgment? My guess is yes, at least from some.

But this is about no one but me. I don't write for a single other soul. At the same time, I feel it is important that I share with other souls my experience and knowledge and awareness at this point. So in the midst of "me," are things that are undoubtedly for other people.

I feel a bit lost and confused and disoriented and overwhelmed. There is entirely too much going on and I feel like I have no center. How do we have a center? It would seem that we often use external clues to give us that core, to give us that balance. How many truly can say they have it within themselves at all times, wherever they are, and in all circumstances? I am guessing very few.

Maybe that is partly why I have been attached to certain things over the years. Maybe it gives me a core sense of myself in some way. There are some things I have had for a very long time that survived boarding school and college and have made all the many moves I have made over the years. I have moved on the average every 4 years or so for a long time. In some ways they may have been more me than I even know myself to be.

Who am I? Who am I really? At the core? Do I even really know?  So often I find myself reacting to things rather than just being who I am and know myself to be. My eyes so want to close right now. Am I confronted by these thoughts? Or am I just really tired? Maybe it is a combination of both. Who the heck knows? I certainly don't. On top of it all, I am HUNGRY. It is after midnight, and I am hungry. That so is not right.

You should see me. I am laying in bed, computer on lap, hands on keyboard, and at times, typing and at times hands still, eyes closed. Bet I could easily fall asleep this way. Would so not be a good thing - especially for the computer.

Well. I have done what something told me to do. I hope I can go to sleep now and get a much better rest tonight. Interestingly, I heard a few people did not sleep well last night, either. I wonder if something's up.

Later gators.

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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Tossed & Turned

I tossed and turned last night. I kept waking up. I woke up this morning feeling horrible, and anything but rested. I have so much going on right now, and I guess it is adding up.I have been thinking a lot about how much people want positive.

I was watching an artist talk about his young son and his music. His 3-year old son had no interest in the music that wasn't the kind that was positive and up, telling his father to change it to something else whenever he heard something he didn't like because it was sad.

I recently watched as Talia Castellano received so much support as she seemed she might be knocking on heaven's door. She is a beautiful girl. Besides that, she doesn't really ever talk about the "downside" to cancer. I have seen her more than once say she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know that she has ever cried in a video. I have no idea if I am wrong, however, if I see things the way I do, perhaps others do. It seems that while she may talk about it, she rarely, if ever, shows the other side. People know it exists, but she never seems to really show that side of things, always seeming to be so positive. And she has people everywhere aware of her and supporting her.

I heard Dustin Hoffman talking in an interview about how many musicians are ignored once they get older. When he was working on Quartet, he said many of them seemed very grateful to be a part of it, and to "get the call."

I am not sure where I am going with this, however it would seem that there is some commonality, perhaps between what happens with a senior citizen and someone who is ill. Maybe it has very little to do with what the person is going through and more to do with how the person who interacts with them feels about the interaction. If a person feels "good" about someone who is ill, maybe they will help them and interact with them. If the person makes them feel badly or sad, then maybe not so much.

I don't really know. I don't know that there are any real answers, but that has never stopped me from looking for them.

I wish I could say that being all positive was what was "the" thing to do. But the thing is, I am not so sure. So many people are having issues when it comes to having cancer, and many people just don't have a clue about what goes on. They don't have a clue until it comes visiting them. And then it often likely is a pretty stark reality. So much isn't known before it needs to be known because it isn't talked about.

A part of me didn't want to know what to "expect" when I was going through treatment. I did not want to find myself expecting certain things. If I didn't know something, then maybe I wouldn't have a certain experience or reaction. The problem was, though, without some idea, things that needed attention could be ignored because I would not know that it was something to be concerned about. And then there was the unnecessary trip to the ER because there was unnecessary concern. Although had it been something, it would have been a clot, and that wouldn't have been a good thing. It is something that could have had me dead thing.

So where does the line between realities get drawn? Is a line supposed to be drawn?

I feel like in many ways much of what I am going through has to do with the fact that I am alone dealing with it. Those who have a close group of family and friends and those who have jobs and benefits could likely have a very different experience. In a case like Talia's, she is also a child, so she doesn't have the same kinds of living concerns an adult like me would have.

If I didn't speak up about my concerns, I wouldn't have gotten the help that I have gotten to date. If I had been silent, my need would have been even more desperate than it is.

There is such an array of life experiences in all aspects of life. We can not all possibly be in and appreciate and understand and know all of them and their unique characteristics. But what we can know is the core of what makes them tick inside of us. We can know the human side to it. We can identify with the feelings and the emotions, and we can use that identification to either help or as an excuse to turn away.

I suspect we know what others feel so that we can be kinder to another. But if we reject a person and/or their circumstance because we fear it or are uncomfortable with it, the opposite will happen. I don't think it is malicious or intentional. Most likely it is just an unconscious reaction.

I don't always like the way I feel, either. But it is the way I feel at the moment I am feeling it. Recently I did a 10-15 minute video in which I sobbed. At the end I actually felt better. Did anyone need to see me that way? Who knows? The thing is that I did it, so I am guessing that it might be helpful for someone at some point. Maybe it will be for someone who is going through their own stuff and thinks that they're alone in their devastation. Maybe it will have just have been for me. Maybe the fact that I can bare my soul like that gives me a level of freedom I never before had, and maybe it doesn't matter if anyone else watches it ever.

As I type, I am laying in bed. I don't want to move. It has taken so much to move the little I have today. But I have to. I have a lot of work I need to finish in the next couple of days. I keep thinking, "if I can get to this..." "if I can get to that..." "if I can make it to..." I keep thinking that at some point I will find some reprieve. At some point I can take it easy and take care of myself. I am not sure that is going to ever happen.

On the other side of the weekend are other issues to deal with. And 3 months from now is not that far away and other things to deal with. I guess that the "good" part is the fact that I am even here to have this experience. And while that would be a really positive - and upbeat - way to end this, I can't just leave it there.

I could. Sure. But the thing is, what is the QUALITY of my being here? I don't want to just be here for the sake of being here. In my head are concerns. In my head are fears. In my head I don't know how I am going to make it financially and what that means for my health insurance, and ultimately my health. Sure I could say it doesn't really matter what I think - what is, is and proceed to put it aside. But there has to be a balance so that the idea of living in the moment doesn't somehow create problems for the future yet to come.

This week I will be getting new blood work. Fingers crossed I don't have bigger issues to deal with.

My eyes just want to close.
I think I may have to go
back to sleep for a bit.

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Monday, July 8, 2013

Have Something to Share?

Today at 4:00 PM Eastern, I will be hosting my radio show World of Perspective Radio. The current show is a reboot of a show I used to have on BlogTalkRadio (BTR). I had done about 40 shows there, and stopped doing it when I had to focus on other things.

Working on the show takes a lot of effort. And when I am not making any money doing it, it had to be back burnered. I started to do it again on W4CY.com because it is more like a radio show. I have a time slot, and there is programming 24 hours a day. My show is played live once a week at the 4:00 time. In addition it replays Fridays at 9:00 PM on W4WN.com (a network for women by women) and W4CS.com (a network about cancer related issues).

(As a side note: If you are interested in having your own show, you can get it at a special rate, if you tell Dean K. Piper that I sent you. I would appreciate you letting him know that you saw this, and that I referred you).

I knew that it would be difficult to do the show again, given everything I have been through. But I needed to try. A very special person funded it (as, unlike BTR, it costs money to have the show). But I am feeling like I am letting him and myself down because I can't be in survival mode and simultaneously do all that I need to do to do the show right. But I am still trying.

What is the show about? Pretty much anything. The underlying common theme has to do with "perspective." I am often talking about perspectives, and how different ones can be empowering to different people. I respect the opinion of others, even if I don't agree. On one of my BTR shows, someone took issue with the word "cougar" that another guest used. It created quite a lively conversation. However, the one thing many listening didn't get was that not everyone sees it as misogynistic (which that person did), and some even consider it a compliment.

I think many arguments can't be "won" because what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Look at our government, and you will see how ineffective disagreement can be. It isn't easy to find ways to work things out in the midst of a dispute, but if we are going to survive in this world, we kind of don't have a choice.

I am now offering people an opportunity to advertise events, classes, blogs and sites on the show. I, of course, reserve the right not to promote something I feel uncomfortable with, however, if what you offer is something that is helpful to people in some way odds are good I will be happy to share. You can contact me through my Facebook Page, or email me at the email address on my contact page.

There are sponsorship opportunities that I am offering, and would love to find individuals and companies who would like to come along for the ride. I will do all that I can to make it worth their while, so if you know of anyone, please refer them to me to discuss possibilites/details. I will even be happy to give you a "thank you" payment.

I am also trying to create the show format. It has varied a bit from week to week. One thing that has been constant is a 60-second piece from Christina Aldan of ThisLuckyGirl.com. It has been really cool to have her segment, and I would love to add 2 more. It is one type of a sponsorship/ad opportunity. If you are interested, but unable to record it, I could create it in conjunction with you, or you could just plan to call in and do it live. There are all kinds of ways we could creatively make it happen.

Is this all about me "selling?" Funny how things like this are viewed. I get it. There is overload in that regard. The thing is, though, that I don't want someone to be a part of the show if they are just "purely" advertising. Yes, there can be some of that, but I am interested in something that goes deeper. That is why I am happy to have guests, but always tell them I do not want it to be a commercial when they visit. They can promote themselves, but I just don't want it to be in someone's face, and I hate sales pitches. My perspective is that what I am looking to create while similar to sales in approach on the surface at the core is a true exchange of efforts/energies.

The Facebook page for World of Perspective Radio is here. If what I am doing sounds interesting, come and join me and the building community. If you are around and available, come and listen today at 4:00 PM Eastern. WorldofPerspectiveRadio.com

Contact Me (Elizabeth Alraune)
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