Monday, December 31, 2012


What if we paid more attention to our intuition?
What kind of world would we live in?
How would that alter our choices?
Would we feel less fatigued by all of the appeals for help and all of the sales offers? I suspect if we paid more attention to our intuition we would know exactly what we needed to do, for who, and how much, and it would seem effortless.
Instead, we walk around bombarded by the trained manipulations of others (marketing), and often justify the things we do once manipulated that might not have been the best choice, because that is what human nature does. Manipulating someone for their own good is still manipulation.
Plus, it seems audacious for me to claim that something is for another's good. How do *I* know what is for *YOUR* good? Why do buyers have remorse? Maybe it is because they wake up out of the seller's trance to discover they were doing something they really didn't want to do, something that wasn't right for them.
(Just something I was thinking about tonight, and I thought I would share.)
Have an awesome last day of 2012!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

It's Not a Contest? (Or is it?)

Last night (early this morning, actually, but who's really paying that close attention?) I wrote the following on Facebook:

"According to a statistic, 1 in 3 people alive now will get a form of cancer. 1 in 3! I never heard that before, and I would love nothing more than for that statistic to be wrong or, if right, change. However, if it is true that cancer is that prevalent in the world today (it has been said to be the number one killer of those under the age of 85) then it seems to me we need a new and different understanding of how the disease affects those affected by its appearance in their lives, and what it means to have to deal with it. The result would likely be a different relationship not only with the disease, and those affected by it, but also (and perhaps more importantly?) with ourselves. It is all too easy not to look at something that makes us uncomfortable, but if life experiences are teachers, and so many are affected by this disease, there would seem to be ample opportunity to learn, if we are willing to pay attention."

A friend of mine then commented that heart disease apparently is the number one killer of women.  It made me stop and think for a minute.  I don't usually like paying attention to the statistics that people come up with.  The only reason I have started to pay attention at all is because I want to start doing talks on the topic, and sometimes they are a reference point that can get people thinking.

When my friend said what she did, it occurred to me that it doesn't necessarily matter where in the line up a "killer" is.  It is still a killer.  Ovarian cancer is responsible for many women's deaths, but not nearly as many as other types of cancers.  But those are "just" numbers.   (I wonder how many of those who determine the stats would ever want to know what the stats represent if they, or someone they loved, was ever in that situation.) It is the people behind the numbers that matter.   Ask anyone who ever lost someone dear as a result of cancer - or any other type of disease - and I am sure for as much as they may have an awareness and concern for others affected, the one that is closest to home is going to be one too many.

I often talk about how important awareness is in any regard.  Without awareness, most are walking around in the dark, thinking that they can really see what is around them.  There is no judgment in this, as we all do this in one form or another at one time or another.  The things in life that call our attention are what we tend to pay attention to and learn the most about, and we can't possibly know everything about everything.

So I guess what I am saying is that I think that creating an awareness of any type can be helpful, with a willing, open person.   If there is something that you know then maybe it is something you can share with others to help them become aware of so that they may be less likely to have their own unaddressed issues.

In the end if someone is helped or
benefitted by what we share, it
doesn't really matter where it
falls on "The" list of what
others think is important.

It just matters that it's important
enough to be on our list.

I want to also highlight that I what I was really intending to highlight was the fact that for as prevalent as cancer seems to be, in conjunction with all of the concerns that come as a result, we might have an opportunity to do much better in our relationship to it.

And this, to me, is an interesting point.  How often does what we say get lost because someone goes somewhere else with what we have said?  The minute we start to label things is the minute we limit them, and give another a reason to dispute the "facts."  Is it no wonder we sometimes have difficulty communicating or wind up in fights that seem to be unable to be resolved?

We lose track of what the core is.  We lose track of the things that really matter, and we get caught up in the surface stuff that we treat as real and as important.   In this case, it is not the numbers that are important, but rather the fact that there is a conversation at all to be had in the first place.  We don't do things. or pay attention to things, until we have to.  However, if the stat of 1 in 3 is anywhere close to being "right", the odds of having to pay attention to information about cancer and its effects for many will be pretty high, at least at some point in their lifetime.  For that reason, what I have to say might be something some will want to pay attention to.  At the same time, there will always be those who will likely think "that's not gonna be me" who won't care or pay attention or give any conversation any credence until it shows up in their experience, and even then may still not have the ability or willingness to alter what they believe.

What I have to say is more about me than it is about anyone else.  I am not looking to be in a contest with anyone.  What I am looking to do is share my experience in a way that is hopefully meaningful to someone who might be able to relate.  If someone can't relate to what I am saying, there is little chance that my words will have much meaning.  However, if what I say is said in a way that helps another to identify with what is said, then that is where I might have some effect.  Before being diagnosed, words like mine would have had something of an effect, but would have likely not have had a real impact, given I had nothing to really latch on to that could relate.

I suspect many people are in that same place.

Maybe if we stop chasing after medical/disease stats, and start paying attention to who is - and what is happening - behind them, we can stop focusing about who is "winning," as the bigger picture at times can represent a greater loss.  Maybe we can find a place to meet in the middle, or at least lay the groundwork to find our way to each other when the time is "right."

In the end, I hope you never have to experience the trauma of a cancer diagnosis and its repercussions, but if you do, I hope that you will be able to find the help and support that you need. In my opinion, that really is the only kind of win any of us need.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Wanna Join My Talking Head in Bed? (Video)

Know Anyone in cancer Hell?

Working on creating a new webpage. The address of it will be Relatingtocancer.com. The intent of the site at first will be primarily to say who I am and what I have to offer in terms of relating to cancer. Over time I would love for it to become a site that has links to all types of info and resources.

What I am working toward is finding opportunities to speak on the subject of cancer and its effects. When possible, I also intend to speak on ovarian cancer specifically, as it is a type of cancer that often goes - needlessly perhaps - undetected until it is "too late."

I also want to use my experience in cancer hell to help others who may have their own versions of it. This could include those who have been diagnosed as well as those who are their caregivers. Neither position is an easy one to be in.

To those who are open to the types of things I do - including hypnosis and other types of energy healing work - would likely be the best fit for who I am overall. At the same time, I strongly believe we all have our own best comfort zones, and often I am able to work with people wherever they are. If you know of anyone who is going through their own personal hell, please put us in touch. Odds are good I will be able to help in some way. (Important note: It doesn't matter where the person lives, as long as we can connect via phone or internet).

If you know of any speaking opportunities, tv shows, video hosts, radio shows, interviewers, magazines, blogs, etc that would be interested in the story I have to tell, or might be interested enough to find out more, please either let them or me know - or even the both of us. :) It doesn't matter where the opportunities are, I am willing to travel if the circumstances are right.

Thanks for your help to get the word out. If you have any questions about what I am talking about, or want to do, please let me know. :)

One last thing: In the past I have asked for help financially (which, by the way, I still needhttp://gofundme.com/rioj8) so I know that there may be those who need help, but won't know how to pay for it. Please let them know that finances should never interfere with them contacting me if they have a need. I will try to find a way to help.

Related to that, I would love to start an organization (a non-profit?) that could raise money to help those who need my services to pay for them. In time, perhaps other alternative practitioners could also help? Who knows? The idea is a bit overwhelming at the moment. But if you know of anyone (or are someone) who could help me create this, I would appreciate the contact. If unable to do my own thing, maybe there are organizations that could work in conjunction with me? If you have any info or knowledge on any of this, I would welcome it. I am just going to trust that the info will come when I can do something with it. Even if it doesn't seem like now, who the heck knows?

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What is a Friend (Video)

I was thinking about what a friend is/is not...just sharing my thoughts.

2 Snow Stories (Video)

Sitting in my car, waiting for a networking meeting to begin...
I share a couple of stories about driving in the snow.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

From a Letter of Love

This came from a Letter of Love that I wrote:

 "Think about God. You don't really know if God exists, but you could seek evidence. The thing is how would you know that that evidence accurately portrays that there is a God? You have no way of knowing for certain. It really is just speculation and belief that takes you from one thing to the next. You can seek proof for the things that you believe, or you can just simply believe. You really can't do both simultaneously. You really can't. You either spend energy believing, or you spend energy looking for something to support a belief you may or may not have until the right thing comes along."

This came from another Letter:

"The unfortunate thing for those seeking certainty is that the only thing certain is that they will be unable to find it." 

And one more:

"The world is much more than we think we know it to be."

And lastly:

"You are doing exactly what you need to be doing right this very moment.  And every moment that you breathe.  Every moment is perfect, even if there are seeming imperfections.  Every moment plays a role, an important role, in the play that is your life.  Every character in a play plays an important part in the development of the story, very much in the same way that every aspect of you is an important character playing an important role in your life and its resulting experiences."

Indian Proverb (Quote)

“There are three things in life which are real: 
God, human folly, and laughter. The first two 
are beyond our comprehension so we must do 
what we can with the third.” - Indian Proverb

Monday, December 24, 2012

Can anyone say IRONY?

As I have said previously, I have a profile on a site,
and in that profile I say I am seeking friends, mainly.

It doesn't really matter what I say I am looking for,
though, as most of those who view the profile do
it from a particular perspective.

Every now and again I will get some who will
compliment what I say.  They love how open I am.
They love that I speak my mind.  They love that
they will know where they stand in relation to me.
They love the way it reads, and they have read
every word - more than once.

Every other now and again I will get some who
will critique what I say.  They will criticize what
it says, or how it says it, or what it doesn't say.
It will criticize my picture choices.  The person
has no interest in me, but he feels an incredible
need to help me.

One of the things that I heard once was a suggestion
by someone to tell a perspective partner-type person
everything about you you think would have them
run away - on the first date.  The idea is that if they
stick around, you likely have a good possibility of
something, and you won't have to dance around
those things going forward, hoping that they won't
reject you when they find out.

I pretty much figure if someone can not only get
through my profile, but still wants to talk to me
is more likely to be the type of person who will
appreciate me.

Having said that, today I got one email that told
me I should "cut back," and how he almost went
to sleep reading my profile, among other things.

Then, right after that, I opened up the next email
to find someone who was appreciative of what
my profile offered, and was very much interested.

Good thing I am not swayed by what these guys
say...I would have no clue what to write!

I think it is very much like life, though. Everyone
has an opinion.  And, as often is the case, opinions
vary.  Sometimes greatly.

If we don't know where we stand, we will be blown
all over the place by the prevailing winds of opinion,
and feel much more lost as a likely result.

I have planted my feet.  We will see what grows.

A Tale of Christmas Past

I was listening to Christmas music earlier, and was
getting down.  It occurred to me as I listened that
I may have made an unconscious association between
the music of the season with the times I have been
sad over the holiday.

Even when I was in a relationship with someone,
Christmas was never "fairy tale" magical for me.
One year my then boyfriend was acting like he
wanted to get me something lingerie-like for

At the time I was not very confident in myself, and
had ZERO desire for him to get me anything along
those lines.  I kept telling him that if he was thinking
about it, he should think about something else.

He kept denying it/not saying anything.  And the
closer we got to Christmas, the more unsettled I was
about what he might do.

Christmas Eve arrived, and we went to exchange gifts.

He gave me a box.  When I opened it - to my surprise -
it was a bra and panty set from Victoria Secret.  There
was also a gift certificate for a restaurant for us to go to.

Can you imagine how happy I was about it?


I tried to keep an open mind.  He handed me a second
box.  Same size.  Same shape.  I opened it.  And what
to my wondering eyes appeared...another panty and bra
set.  And another gift certificate.

I was so much happier still.  I bet you knew that.

So happy, we got into a fight.

I don't remember exactly what happened, until the next
day that he handed me two more boxes that were exactly
the same size and shape of the first two.  He couldn't have

Well. Yes.  Yes. He could.

I opened the boxes, and received...you guessed it...two
more sets and two more gift cards.

Now.  Some of you might think what is so wrong with
what he did?  He, as a point of fact, had been very proud
of himself for what he had done.  He also pointed out that
he had spent a good deal of money.

To me, the big part of it was my constant telling him NOT
to do it.  If someone tells you something, might you want
to take them at their word, especially after telling you not
once, not twice, but several times?

And, even then.  If you are still going to do what he did,
might you consider doing it as a PART of things, instead
of replicating something undesired several times?

That was all I got from him for Christmas that year.

Just a suggestion to anyone reading this:  If someone you
care about tells you something, you really might consider
listening to him/her, if you want to make them happy.

Sadly, in part to be spiteful,  and in part because of my
discomfort, I am not sure he ever saw me in any them
because I don't know that they were ever worn.

The dynamics of that relationship were messed up, big time.
We were together a lot longer than we ever should have been.
Everything that was wrong in that relationship was MY fault
- according to him.

He never wanted to go to therapy as a couple.  But I should
go for myself.  He did, however, go a few times.  In one of
the sessions I found out something that made me not trust
him early in our relationship was something he did because
he was trying to take care of me.  If he had only told me what
he was doing/why he was doing it, it would have helped

If only we knew how to truly communicate with each other,
it might have made a world of difference.  And then again,
maybe things would have still ended.

A few years after we split, I came to the realization one day
that I DID have issues when we were together.  I realized that
if I had been more open to experiencing him and the things
that affected him, maybe we would have been able to be in
a different dynamic together.  I had stopped pointing the
finger at him, and started to look more at myself.  I even
was on the phone with him at one point, crying, apologizing
for how I had been.


Even though I learned a thing, or two, from my perspective,
I never totally let him off the hook.  It takes two to tango.
He still did things that would not have worked for me, and
things that drove me crazy, and things he never should have


If I had been different, maybe he would have been, too.

As they say hindsight certainly gives you an advantage you
can no longer use.  Well, they don't say it like that, exactly,
but that is what happens.  I could not use the hindsight in
relation to him.  If anything, it gave me something to
consider going forward.

I learned a lot from the things in that relationship that didn't
work, but only after I was no longer at their effect.  While
I was in it, it was very difficult for me to separate myself
from them.  It took a lot for me to leave him.  But I did.


But it still wasn't over until he finally left me.

There is much more to the story.  But I don't think it is
worth going into now.  Maybe one day.  I had no idea
when I started this I was going to head in this direction.

But I am here now.

Funny how that goes, sometimes.

Never know where your unconscious mind will take you
when you give it the keys. :P

On a lighter note, it snowed today.  It was beautiful, even
though it isn't cold enough for it to stay or accumulate.

I filmed a bit of it.  Maybe you will enjoy it.  It may seem
silly that I did.  But having lived in southern California for
4 years, I really missed snow.  It was beautiful.

Have a wonderful Christmas Eve,
with Love,

Telling My Mind to Stop

Last night I wrote this on Facebook:

I refuse to let disappointment cloud goodness. I refuse to let my mind contort things to make me feel better. I refuse to allow myself to doubt myself because things didn't work out the way I wanted then to. If I had known the ending before I began, there would have been the potential to miss out on a lot of wonderful things in an effort to avoid pain. By seeking to avoid pain, I will also avoid love, and other forms of goodness. I refuse to look at this situation as anything but a gift. I remind myself that people are only doing what they think best for themselves at any given moment.

I wrote it because I am struggling.  I have
noticed how my mind tries to focus on the
bad of something so that I can feel OK
about how it turned out.

In doing that, it takes away from all of the
good that was present.  I noticed it, and
it sucks.

It sucks, too, that I am second guessing
things, and trying to figure out things that
I have no hope of figuring out, and I am
turning all of that frustration inward.  How
could I have avoided it all?  Why didn't
I know better?

So in two ways - one focused outwardly,
and one focused inwardly - I am finding all
kinds of negative things to not only make
myself feel better (ironically by making me
feel worse), but also possibly set me up in
ways that aren't in any way beneficial to
what I want in my life.

That is why I decided to try to shut my mind
up.  That is why I said those things.  There
was a lot of good in the situation that I am
struggling with, and it makes me so sad that
it is easier - and in some ways more desirable -
to focus on the negative than all of the
incredible parts and pieces.

I suspect it is all a ploy to avoid feeling the
pain and disappointment of a situation that
didn't go the way I wanted it to, and possibly
discourage me from ever finding another
outlet to pain and disappointment again.

The thing is, though, that every time I allow
myself to look past the pain, and I open myself
up to potential hurt again, I find greater levels
of love and understanding in the process.

I am thankful for all that I have learned and
all that has helped me grow.  But I would
really love it if I could just have some real
peace in regard to what keeps happening, or
it could stop happening, and allow me to
grow through growth and the "life" of a
situation instead of its "death."

There is more to this.  I can feel it bubbling,
which sucks because I just took some NyQuil
and Melatonin, and I can feel them kicking in.

I am not feeling well, again.  I just hope it is
a bump and not a pothole.  I am uninterested
in going to the doctor again. For antibiotics

I guess I am off to sleep.  Maybe my dreams
can help me sort through this.

Sweet dreams.

How I Look at Christmas

It is the last of the day before the
night before Christmas.  I hope you
have been good.

As for me, it doesn't really matter,
as I don't celebrate the holiday much
any more.  It lost a lot of its charms
for me several years ago when I was
receiving gifts out of a sense of
obligation more than anything else.

The gifts were never anything that seemed to suit me, but rather
was just something to give.   A few years I got really creative,
and put a lot of time and thought and creativity into what I did,
but I am not sure it suited anyone any better than what they did for me.

On top of it all, I got to thinking about how wonderful it would be
if we gave because we wanted to - not just when we had to, and
not just this one day of the year.  My brother started to call me

I am not sure how seeing things more clearly than a marketer
and advertiser might want me to makes me Scrooge.  When I am
feeling like myself, I enjoy doing things because something
strikes my fancy to do.  And nothing gives me greater pleasure.

It also strikes me that the whole thing that has been built up
around Christmas has nothing really to do with what Christmas
is supposed to be about any way.

So tomorrow night is just going to be another night in the grand
scheme of things.  My friend's family didn't want me to be alone.
If I had no plans, they wanted me to come.  Well, I have plans,
maybe just not the kind that they think are the ones I should have.
Last year I was alone, too, and they gave my friend grief over
that fact.

Hopefully he won't get any grief this year.  I just am not up to
spending it with a bunch of strangers.  It is awkward enough for
him with his family.  I appreciate the invitation, but I just don't
think I have it in me, energy-wise or emotionally-wise.

And the thing is, I am more than fine with that.

Depending on how the day goes, I may even spend part of it
writing a few Letters of Love.  I am thrilled that a few people
are now taking me up on the offer, and I am hoping more will.

Don't know what I am talking about?  Click Below.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

A Christmas Present for You (Video)

To see more about the letters click here.

Special Offer to the first 35 people who request it. Do you know about my Letters of Love? 

They are letters that answer the question of what does the person need to hear at the moment the letter is being written. 

Would you like to learn more? 

You can see a number of letters that I have written by downloading this PDF -> jolope.com/pdf/letters-of-love.pdf.

Feel free to pass it along to anyone you think would be interested. I may do more than 35...we will see. :) 

If you are interested, send me a message on Facebook. I will need an email address to send your letter to. 

If you have any questions, please ask! Happy Holidays to you. 

with JoLoPe, Elizabeth

Friday, December 21, 2012

Dreaming About the End of the World and Hell

This morning after I woke up, I went back to sleep.

I had a strange dream.  It was a scary dream.

I had signed a lease on a place, and someone who
used to be 1 of 2 roommates had to live with me.
It felt a bit like college, so it seemed I really did
not have a choice.

Neither one of us I think were happy about it, 
but I didn't really see her for the most part.  But
then she showed up, and apparently were going
to have a bunch of people who were going to visit.

This was after I had a number of my nieces visit.

It was a bit confusing at one point, because I saw
their writing in places it shouldn't have been,
like around the door to the place.  When I noticed
it, I noticed that the lock that was at the top of 
the door was broken off.  I was thinking I had to
ask to have it fixed, but how was I going to explain
how it got broken?  Where was I when it broke?
I felt like I was somehow responsible, but I 
couldn't imagine how or when it happened.

The next thing I knew I was trying to open the 
door to leave.  I was trying to open it outward,
and there was a chain lock on the other side of 
the door that seemed to prevent the door from
opening fully, but it still seemed that it could open
about a foot, or so.  It seemed like it might be 
enough for someone to try to squeeze through.

At that point I was scared.  I was scared because
now I was with someone who didn't want to be
with me (and the feeling was mutual - we never
really got along when we were living together)
and it seemed like I was in Hell.

There had been talk of the world ending, and I
got to thinking that maybe those who said that
the world was going to split, instead of end were
right.  The world split, and now I was trapped 
in Hell.

The apartment was a big mess, too, and I started
to try to clean up things.  I found a bad of breads
that were moldy.  I was like, "oh yeah."  I had
forgotten I had them.  I felt like there was so much
that I was forgetting lately.

There was another point in which some people were
coming to the apartment.  I don't remember who 
they were supposed to be, but they were like 
inspectors of some sort, I think.  I was trying to 
have things be as normal as they could be, and 
was hiding some stuff before they got there.

Last night I had a dream that a shuttle was taking
someone to a car repair place for them to pick up
their car.  Apparently my car was there, too, but
no one knew what was wrong with it.  I wasn't
expecting any answers at the moment, but it didn't
even seem the car was visible.

Lots of dreaming of being limited, trapped, and 
out of control.  Hmm.  I wonder why.  Why, given
my circumstances, would I feel any of those things?

I had also questioned in the first dream I mentioned
what I had done "wrong" to deserve this reality.  
What would I have had to do differently to have 
been one of the ones who got to the positive place?

As I write these things, I am a bit emotional.  It
would seem that unconsciously I have questions
I wasn't aware of consciously.  After all, I never
once consciously had thoughts like these about my
situation.  Maybe it was being numb.  Maybe it
was not wanting to know.  Maybe I knew but 
just buried it with everything that has happened.

In the first dream I didn't know how I was going
to make it.  Death didn't seem like it was going to

Oh, I just remembered something else.  I was watching
a video/tv? and there was a report about how in the 
"new" world that I was in there no longer was going
to be a treatment for cancer, among other things. 
The attitude was an "oh well for you" if you have 

For a moment I got scared.  What if cancer came 
back?  I wouldn't be able to be treated.  What would
I do?  I remember thinking I just have to do what I 
can to make sure that I don't get it again.

So I was in a Hell, and I didn't want to be there.  The
only way out seemed to be death, but I didn't want 
to die, but if I got cancer I would die, and I was scared 
because I didn't want to die.

Makes perfect sense to me.

That, too, seems to be my predicament:  I feel like I
am in a form of Hell, and I can't see a way out.  I 
have wondered what it would be like to die.  At the
same time, given an "opportunity" to die, I chose to
live and do what I could to be without cancer.

And...interestingly as well, the "oh well for you"
attitude has at times seemed to be my experience
of people's attitude in relation to me.  Part of my
"treatment," I'd say, is being able to do the things
that I love and am able to do.  The problem seems
to be, though, that I can't seem to be "treated"
that way.  

Treatment is like my work, and I can't seem to
get any "work."  Since I was thinking I just have
to make sure I don't get cancer again, it was 
like me saying I have to make sure I get some

But in my mind, in the dream, I thought it, but
there was a question.  There was doubt.  I wasn't
sure how I could do anything.  I really felt like
others had the control.

Maybe this is something telling me that even
if I don't feel so strong and confident about 
things, *I* am in control, not "others."

I am thinking there was more, and that there
is likely more of a message, but that is all I've
got for now.

Fascinating how often what you could say of
a dream, or what you felt in a dream, is how
you truly perceive something while you are 

I have had the opportunity to do interpretations
with others and their dreams (as a life coach
and hypnotist). It can be like putting a 
puzzle together, at times frustrating and at
times rewarding.  

As awful as that dream was, it was kinda 
cool to figure things out.  Maybe I should
just consider it an unconscious purge of
things forgotten - just like that bad bread.

And yet one more thing occurs to me.
Bread is a food that helps to sustain us,
and feeds us.  I never got to eat that
bread, but I still had to deal with the
mess that it was when I saw it.

Maybe there are things that I never directly
took in that still have affected me, and 
they are things that I also need to purge
and let go of.

It didn't seem I needed the bread,
and I certainly didn't need the bad
bread.  (Could bread be energy? 
Bad bread=bad energy?)

I am thinking there may be more to
this, and I will have to definitely
remain open to figuring it out.  Any
which way I go...I am fascinated 
by these dreams.

Out and About/End of the World? (Video)

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

(More on) The Blame Game

(to see the first Blame Game click here)

Just thinking out loud...How does assigning blame help? Is assigning blame really that effective? It is a focus on what happened - past tense. Is what happened really the thing we want to focus on? Does it deserve THAT level of importance in our consciousness? I suspect healing never comes while focused on blame. It strikes me that when we feel helpless, we seek to find a reason, someone or something to blame, because somehow it gives us the illusion that we can control and fix things in the future. But while the pain of the past drives us to blame, there is nothing about the process that allows us to change what happened in the past - which on some level is what we really wish we could do. We really just want the pain to go away. Maybe blame helps in some way, but maybe it also gets in the way of healing the pain. And maybe it is pain unhealed that creates a cycle of more pain which creates more potential situations for blame? What if to truly heal we need to shift our focus from an external, helpless perspective to an internal one? What if it is the only source of "power" we have?

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Update for the Day (Chemo Aftermath) | Video

You always hear stories about chemo,
but you don't often hear about what comes next.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I think this is what I was warned about months ago

When I was in the hospital, I had someone come by who
was a physical therapist.  I wasn't really sure what I
thought of her.  In some ways, what she wanted, and how
she did things were kind of annoying to me.

At some point, though, she was talking about energy
management and how if I did a lot one day, it might knock
me out for a couple.  She said that I would need to be
aware of that when I got home.

What I don't know, though, because I didn't really ask
for clarification, is whether that mean now, post chemo.
I am kinda thinking in my head that it relates, but I
couldn't say it with any amount of certainty.

What I can say, though, is that it is apparent that the effects
of the chemo linger.  And one of the biggest effects was
being tired.

I have been really busy in the last day, or so.  Busy doing
things, and busy trying to do things.  It is really an effort
for me to think about all of the things I need to do, and
think about all of the people I need to contact.  And it is
taking great effort to figure out how to put a quasi-
professional hat on when I am approaching people I
haven't met before.

I think the biggest energy usage goes toward the extra
effort I have to focus on what I need to do.  Something
I am thinking I have to re-think several times as I
attempt to get it done.

If it is this difficult to explain, imagine how difficult
it is to do.

As has been somewhat usual throughout this, I want to
act like everything is just fine.  But.  It is not.

Oh.  And then I found out that I could be depressed from
the chemo, even now.  That might explain where I went
emotionally recently.  It makes sense though.  Apparently,
according to an energy worker, chemo tends to shut our
chakras down.  When that happens it can make for one
depressed/down person.

But in the midst of everything I was feeling and dealt with,
it hadn't even occurred to me.  Instead I was feeling like
I needed to run away because I was feeling attacked by
people who didn't quite understand where I was, and how
I was feeling.  They weren't given me any space to be me,
to breathe.  There attitude and approach was that I was
doing everything all wrong.  And as restrictive as it was,
I couldn't get past it.

Every week when I would go for chemo they would ask
me if I was depressed.  Now I am not officially being
treated by them.  I am not due back for an official check up
until March.  As I think about it, it seems to me that they
ought to have some mechanism in place to support a
person in the interim, especially since the chemo continues
to affect one for some time after.

Maybe they do have it, but I just don't know about it
because I never once told them I was depressed.  But
it is an interesting question.  The place I go to seems to
be better than most in terms of dealing with people
throughout treatment.  If they aren't saying much about
it (and maybe not doing much about it?) how much are
other places likely to be touching it?

Today I saw an interesting quote.   A cancer survivor
said, "I beat the disease.  But I lost my life."  I can so
totally relate.  I may not have lost my life, but I feel
myself at the edge.  It is why I have been so stressed.
It is why I asked for help so early in my process.  I
did not want to get to this point.  I did not want to be
at the end of my financial rope.

I have mentioned to some about my credit card debt.
They have told me to let it go.  That is easy for them
to say.  One day I am hoping I will need to find a
place to live, and my credit score will matter.  There
may be other reasons it will matter, too.  I can't just
let it go, not unless I absolutely have no choice.

I am still in need of financial help.  I just don't
really know how to ask for it any more.  I am
doing the best I can to move forward, but I might
really need some time.  It could be different if I
get a miracle as miracles transcend limits like time.
If given a choice between the two, I will take miracle.

In the meantime, I am going to go to bed.


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Monday, December 17, 2012

A Busy Day (VIdeo)

Off to WEGO I Went (I Joined a Speakers Bureau)

This was the announcement WEGO crafted regarding my joining their speakers bureau.  While I like more personal tones to things, I thought it covered nicely what needed to be covered.  I just recently posted on Facebook about my desire to take what I have experienced, and what I know and take it to people who might be able to benefit.  I guess - in some ways - that makes me a "Health Activist."  

Not sure what I think of that label, quite frankly.  I would just like to think of myself as someone who wants to make a difference for another and do something that means something to another, as well as myself.  I suppose if I am actively doing it, it makes me an "activist," but still... 

Below the announcement I will share what I posted on Facebook so you can see where I am at the moment.  I have a lot of work to do.  I am already overwhelmed (in a good way) by the response I received from  Shelly DeMotte Kramer who put me in touch with  Liz Scherer who also responded to me, and gave me more information, and more people to contact and who also recommended WEGO.


I just applied to the WEGO Health Activist Speakers Bureau and I thought some of you might be interested in learning more about it as well – it’s a great way for Health Activists to share our stories, raise awareness and get the word out about the work we’re doing.

Members of the WEGO Health Activist Speakers Bureau receive exclusive invitations to present at conferences, speak to members of the media, and be featured on WEGO Health.

Interested in joining the WEGO Health Activist Speakers Bureau? Apply today! It only takes a few minutes and they’ll email you as soon as they have opportunities relevant to you and your interests.


I have been thinking. 

*uh- oh* 

I know. 

It can sometimes not be such a great place when I do that, especially lately. But this time it is different. I have been trying to think about what is next. I feel fairly strongly that I could do something in relation to those who are dealing with cancer, and as I write (type!) that it occurs to me that it can even apply to those who are caretakers. I know taking care of someone who has been diagnosed with cancer can be a challenge. I know that from being on the side I am on, and from seeing a friend have to deal with it - more than once.

I used hypnosis when I was going through chemo. Did it help? Honestly, I haven't a clue. How would one test it? There can't be two mes on the same track at the same time to compare experiences and whether or not hypnosis made a difference.

Do I think it made a difference? At the very least once a week for many weeks I was blissed out while I was infused with chemo. I would trance for several hours and awaken from the state feeling like I had the best sleep ever. The nurses were always amazed at how out of it I was. Often my blood pressure at the end would be lower than it was when I started. I was told that usually it was the opposite, that chemo usually raises a person's blood pressure.

There were many other things I did, too. Reiki, Massage, Acupuncture, a variety of "energy work." I also made lifestyle changes, and tried to avail myself of the things that would help me the most, which wound up including a blog that I kept since being diagnosed (http://anewme515.blogspot.com/). I am sure there are other things, but the last several months were like pieces of a puzzle working and coming together.

My last pet scan said I have no cancer in my body. Wonderful news. Now I can do what I can to start to make a difference for myself and others by looking forward. But I am not exactly where to go, or what to do, or who to talk to. I am just beginning to research possibilities.

Interestingly enough, several years ago I contacted the people that I am now dealing with regarding hypnosis, and they had no interest. When I got there, and I asked them about it, and since there was none I gave them a hard time, as they do so many other things. Last I heard, they are working on incorporating it.

While they would be ideal for me to work with, apparently there is a problem with the fact that I am still being treated by them. So...I need to find other avenues.

Given that the number of cancer diagnoses seem to be increasing, I cannot imagine that there aren't people who could use what I have to offer. Even if I didn't do my "hypnosis thing," I am now a life coach who has had a "cancer experience," and I can bring that to the table of any support I may offer someone who is going through it. I can also bring my experience with interacting with others to the table if interacting with a caregiver. I may be able to share some insight into what a person might be feeling, or how one might interact with the person dealing with cancer.

As with anything, we are all individuals, and what I experienced may not exactly fit what another has - or will - experience. At the same time, much of life is relatable, especially when someone is willing to listen and communicate as effectively as possible.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I would like to ask your help. Do you know of any individuals that might be able to utilize someone like me? Someone who might understand how it feels to be dealing with a cancer diagnosis, and who might be able to help guide them a step or two in the direction they are headed...Someone who could help them help themselves in mind and body and spirit (mostly the mind and spirit part, but I may have a few things I can suggest they investigate, body-wise).

In particular, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, but I believe that what I have gone through is more than likely transferrable to the "experience" of any cancer.

If you know of any individuals or organizations or cancer treatment centers that I could speak with, would you please let me know? Or perhaps let them know about me?

While I would like to put my best foot forward "professionally" at this time, I am not all thought through, and am pretty much going to make this up as I go along. I know for some who might be reading this that might not work, and I understand that. But I am pretty sure there are others of you that might know exactly where I am, and know that I can help others, even if you don't have a clue how to help me, or know of anyone I can help - at least not yet.

I also am looking to find opportunities to speak with groups about ovarian cancer and my experience with it. I suspect it will be a smaller part of a bigger picture, but I certainly wouldn't be adverse to doing smaller talks if there is an interest. There needs to be a better awareness and education of what ovarian cancer looks like. Too many women haven't a clue. Since being diagnosed, not one woman I spoke to (with the possible exception of my RN sister) had a clue of what ovarian cancer is like, or what any of its symptoms are. 

As long as this type of cancer continues to exist, there needs to be a better understanding, as it is the type of cancer that can often be diagnosed when it is "too late." There are way too many stories on the internet that I have heard of similar experiences to mine - in terms of misdiagnosis of the symptoms, and arrogant, condescending doctors. It can be quite heartbreaking to know of them. I would love to make it so there are a few less to know and read.

I know this is long, and if you read all of it, THANK YOU. I am at a point that I am learning and discovering and growing, and it is those of you who are willing to allow me that that help me the most.

I know that I can do this. I can feel it. If you can feel it, too, maybe you will know of some way to help me find the direction I need to help others find the direction they need.

Thanks for listening.
with Love,

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Regrets of the Dying

I have heard a few people talk about those who are dying.
They talk about the things those who are dying talk about
in the "hopes" that we will get something from it.

I think often while it "sounds" good, it isn't something that
most people truly get as we often think there is a lot of
tomorrow space to live in.  I say this because I was once
one of those people who got it logically, but it only really
hit home once I was diagnosed with cancer.

I say this, too, as I see many who give good lip and Facebook
service to ideas, only to send a different message with their
words and actions.  I am not saying this to judge, but more
as a point of reference.  It is so much easier to say something
than it is to BE it.

Even now for as much as I "get it," I can't say anything has
changed radically for me.  I still struggle. I still get emotional.
I still get depressed.  I still have a range of emotions that
haven't changed.  The only difference is that I had that one
moment that reminded me in one of the harshest ways possible
that life isn't forever.

It was like an alarm clock going off loudly after only a few
hours of sleep.  You jump.  You are awake.  You do your
thing, and then as the day goes by you get sleepy again,
forgetting how the day even began.

I want to remember what I have been through without having
to relive it.  I want to take the things that I have learned, and
I want to use them to help others.

Last night I was on the phone with several people who went
to Kyle's event.  It has only been a few weeks, and already it
is easy to slip back in to the same old, same old.  In the call
we discussed how people often really don't want to hear how 
things are, unless you are going to tell them only good news, 
or something they want to hear, like something superficial.
(It is something that I have blogged about previously.)

Is it any wonder we are challenged to truly be ourselves?

Apparently Bronnie Ware wrote a book in regard to her
experiences with the dying.  According to one thing I
read most regrets relate to relationships and to one's ability
to be true to his/herself.

I don't know about you, but that doesn't really surprise me.

The one thing I have been grateful for the last several years
is my growing ability to say what I really feel and to be
able to be more of me in the face of possible difficulty,
rejection, judgment.  You name the negative possibility,
and it is probably included.

I haven't perfected it, though.  There are things still left
unsaid.  There are still frustrations left unvoiced.  There
are still things that leave me less than fully expressed.

I suspect life just keeps giving us opportunities to challenge
us to be who we are.  Did we know how difficult it was
going to be before we bought our ticket to come here?
I wonder.


Why did I begin this particular blog?  I feel all over the
place, and I am not sure I got to where I intended, but
I am not even sure where that was.

But, I am guessing I got somewhere.  Are you with me?

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Sunday, December 16, 2012

On Dating Sites and Friends and Relationships and cancer

I have a profile on a website that says I am looking
for friends.  I say "friends" because given everything
I am going through, I don't know that looking for
anything else is a good idea - especially in that 
context.  At the same time I think that if I was 
going to get into a relationship, it might not be bad 
place to start.

With all that was going on with "A," I hadn't been
there in months.  Recently I went back, more as a 
form of distraction more than anything else.

If I am honest, I was so grateful that "A" was in my 
life pre-diagnosis, because he knew me before
everything, he knew me with hair, and it also meant
that I wouldn't have to post-diagnosis have to figure
out how I was going to tell someone new about all
that I have been through, and that I no longer have
the beautiful hair in the pictures and now wear a wig.

I wouldn't have to deal with an already difficult 
situation getting even more so.

I imagine it would scare away more than a few 
people.  In the past, I could accept if someone didn't
want to be with me for other reasons, but this one
is a bit harder to deal with.  This one is also new,
so I am also touchier about it, too.  Other things 
have been around long enough for me to have my
peace in regard to them.

It doesn't help that most of the guys on the sites 
have attitudes, and approaches that aren't the most
inviting.  I also get a lot of guys in their young 20s
looking mostly for a good time, wink.

The older guys tend to think that "friend" is also
an open invitation for casual sex.  If you aren't 
looking for a "commitment," then you must want
sex, right?

Over the years, I have tried a myriad of things. I
have often heard you need to get "out there," so
I tried to do just that.  One time I was on a phone
dating line, and for a month anyone who wanted
to meet me, I met.  

Boy was that an adventure.  But not in a good way.
So many times it was either something really crazy
that happened, or things that seemed interesting on
the phone just fell flat in person.  

It happened so much that I decided after a time that
if I was going to meet someone, I was going to do
it ASAP to minimize any disappointment from an
actual meeting.  At least the person and I would
know if anything was possible before building up
any expectations.

(As an interesting side note, I met "A" through the 
internet, but didn't do that with him.  It was a while
before we met in person.)

I am not sure why I am telling you all of this.  I 
guess it is just on my mind.  I recently received an
email from someone on the site that was just so
"lovely" I had to share.  

Since my profile is lengthy, I say something at a 
point about wondering how far someone reading it
will get.  The person saying what he did starts out
by referencing that (which is why I mention it.)

This person who is obviously interested in meeting
me, and wants to make an impression said, (I hope
you are ready for this)

"How far can I get? Hopefully all seven inches 
after treating you to at least eight orgasms, to start. 
Im (sic) not a beauty prize but I know how to treat 
and satisfy my woman."

You know how interested I was after that, don't you?

It sucks to be alone, but I think it sucks more to have
to deal with people who aren't anywhere even near
where my mindset is. I know it is a slice of society.  
But there are many slices that aren't too far off from 
this, either.

So many people full of themselves.  Too many who 
don't know how to communicate.  I am wondering if
I am sounding judgmental.  Am I judging?  Or am I
just stating my experience?

I would like to think the latter.

It was hard before all of this for me to relate to those
who are all about what their money can buy or what
piece of ass they can get.  For a long time I have 
valued what more life could offer.  For a long time
I have seen a bigger picture.  For a long time I 
wanted something that seemed out of my reach.

In some ways being an optimist, I have kept trying.
But it takes a lot of energy.  Energy that I don't really
have these days.

I once heard a story about how our future mates don't
just show up at our door, but then there was a case
in which it actually did happen that way.

So while I have said I want friends right now, if I 
knew where to place my order for "The One," 
I would in a heartbeat.

I truly feel that when I meet "HIM," the dynamic
we have will be amazing.  I sometimes wonder if I
am only dreaming or fooling myself.  Sometimes I
wonder if I will die and that vision will be left

For the things I have been "right" about, there are
things that I thought would happen that I couldn't
have been more wrong.  It seems to me a cruel
trick to have these ideas and desires (not just in 
a relationship realm, but others as well) and not
know what to do to find or make the pieces that
have them fulfilled.

Questions, questions, and more freaking questions.

Happy Happy Joy Joy.

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Saturday, December 15, 2012

Thinking Differently.

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
- Mark Twain

The Kyle Cease Event I went to had a speaker who
was a co-author of a book that was about cultural
trends that go in 80 year cycles.

It is like a pendulum.  It starts in the middle, swings
up 20 years in one direction, swings down 20 years
back to the middle, and then swings up 20 years in
the other direction, and then down 20 years, back 
to the center.

One side of the pendulum is the "WE" side.  The
other side is the "ME" side.  Depending on which 
side you are on, will depend a lot on where the
cultural values be and what the expected interactions 
will be like.  

If you were around in the 80s, or aware of the 80s,
you would recognize that it is nothing like it is now.
The 80s were a part of the ME time.  We are now in
a WE time.

If I remember correctly, Hitler was in power in 
a WE time.  I say this because there apparently is
a potential danger in a WE time because the WE
mentality, while it can be good in the fact that it
unifies, it can also have a negative possible outcome
as well, as witnessed by what happened in the days
of Hitler.

I was recently thinking about how it may be a good
thing that we don't all think alike.  Maybe it keeps
us on our toes.  Maybe it keeps us THINKING.
Maybe it keeps us in an awareness that we wouldn't
otherwise be aware of.

If we all think alike, then there is a chance that things
could go awry.  It is the mob mentality that can have
people saying and doing things that they wouldn't
normally do or say.  It can place pressure on people
to conform.

So I guess what I am saying is that maybe we should
be thankful to those who vary from us.  Maybe it
helps us keep our balance.  Maybe that is what
Mark Twain was saying, too, in his own way.

(Btw, if you are interested in the Pendulum book, 

Mistakes (Quote)

"Mistakes are proof that you are trying."


Not sure who said it.  What I said had
no attribution.  But I liked it.

I liked it because so often we are so
afraid of making mistakes that we do
not do anything.

I suppose there are ways to "try too
hard," but if life is in some ways a
school, and we are here to learn, the
only way we are going to is by being
in the game.

(Ok so I mixed metaphors...)

I haven't been perfect at any time in
my life.  The closest I may have come
is when I was a baby, sleeping.

I certainly haven't been perfect in
recent months or days.  At the same
time, I am IN the game.  I am IN
life.  For the first time in my life I
am claiming my existence.  I am
claiming my space to be here.

Wonder why I take so many pictures?
It is a way of me saying I AM HERE.
For so long I avoided pictures.  There
are many years in my life that I wasn't
represented.  I stayed away from being
in pictures for my yearbooks in school.

I wouldn't have even had a senior year
picture if it hadn't been required.

In stepping up, in sharing, I am making
noise.  I am drawing attention to myself.
It is so much easier to be quiet and
hidden.  No one pays attention to you.
No one has much of a chance to criticize
you.  It is no wonder I have had difficulties
getting myself out there to be seen.

And it is taking a lot not to retreat lately.
It is taking a lot not to recoil and just
go away.  I don't like to be attacked.  I
don't like to be criticized.  I don't like
how people can be.

I imagine I am not alone in this regard.

But it is taking me learning and growing
and stretching to not only allow myself
to be out there but to also be able to
interact with others who are in a different
place than I am, with a different mindset
than what I have.

It helps me to see things.  It also helps
me to see where I might still be lacking
and where I have grown.

The way I have dealt with it in the past is
to not deal with it.  I guess it might be a
bit difficult to help others if you aren't also
dealing with the types of things they are
trying to deal with.

Perhaps oddly enough though, people have
said how much I have helped them.  So I do
have a lot to offer.  I guess I am just being
compelled to grow, and offer more.

Part of me wants to say, "Will it ever end?"

Another part of me knows that when it does,
it will be because life as I know it will cease
to exist.

So, sadly (tongue in cheek), I must tell you
that it would seem I will be making a few
more (hundreds? thousands?) mistakes.

Oh well.  It occurs to me, though, that
maybe even though I said I wasn't perfect,
what happens in life IS perfection that is
unrecognized as such.

So maybe I am perfect after all, and mistakes
are just learning opportunities in disguise.

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