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Saturday, June 29, 2013

A Few Thoughts

When I took this picture, I thought about how people could react. My whole life, since developing breasts, I have spent with people commenting on, and having issues with, my cleavage.

I am not sure what it is about cleavage that seems to be inappropriate. It almost seems to me that many who have an issue with it, don't seem to have as much.

It isn't easy to find things to wear, and ways to dress, that don't reveal it. Although, in the case of this dress, when I am upright, the view is not the same. It is much "safer."

Why do we have so many issues around something that is so natural? And I am talking about the bigger picture, too. After all for many I suspect cleavage equals sex. And sex is not for anywhere that isn't deemed appropriate.

As a woman who is sensual, I find the expression of femininity in its various forms to be appealing, and I find that when I am expressing myself in that way it is something that is empowering, and makes me feel good about myself.

However, this is a much bigger conversation than a small blog entry can address. And right now I have way too many things that I need to be doing. My friend has many concerns about the progress that I am making getting the house ready for sale. I need moments like these in between trying to deal with the other things. It helps me retain some sense of perceived sanity.

My life hasn't been an easy one. But it seems to be harder than "normal" right now. I hope things loosen up soon. But I suspect the summer is going to be full of things to do and surprises to be had - none of which, sadly, mean any trips to Disney.

I am just grateful for what I do have, and hopeful that my body will cooperate. In a few weeks, I will get blood work, and see what's up with my body. Keep your fingers crossed for me please that I am on the "right" side of things.


Friday, June 28, 2013

Exhausted.

Amazing what 2+ years do to what you think you need/want. Been going through boxes in the basement. Lots of stuff being let go of. The best part? It is pretty dang easy. When you think about how life really is impermanent and that things really only mean something because you say so, and you realize how much better it is to simplify...it helps, a lot. All of the things I did to warm up my home may have also congested it.

How many things were meant to help, but really wound up being a hinderance in some way? I got rid of so much every time I have moved. It would be nice to get down to a small amount of things, and stay there. I think I can do it. Living without many of the things I am finding has been just fine. I could potentially get rid of most of it, and not even blink. But I am finding things I would like to keep. And as "easy" as it is to let things go, some things, not so much.

But I am making progress.

It will be interesting to see how I feel in the morning. As for now, I could not be more tired.

G'night.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Trying to Avoid a Credit Debacle

Yesterday I spoke with someone about getting some help with my credit card debt. Last year I was getting close to having my credit cards paid off. I could have been done probably in December. But I wasn't working much earlier in the year, as I wasn't feeling well, and in May cancer announced itself.

I had debt on several cards, but didn't want to be paying on several cards. One card offered me a low transfer rate. My minimum monthly payment was only about a hundred and some dollars. Some told me "screw the credit cards." But I didn't want to. So I paid the fee and I transferred everything on to one card, hoping that by the time the interest rate would be 13.99%, I would be in a better place.

Well. I am now in 13.99% land, and as a result my monthly payment will easily be $300+, and that is just the minimum. I did a calculation, and at the interest rate, with the amount owed, it will take some obscene amount of time to pay it off. I think it was something like 356 months. Even if I am healthy, I don't even know if I got that kind of time left!

It is crazy.

The guy treated me like I was a loser. He sounded so pompous. So arrogant. Like I had a problem. Well, yes. I have had a problem. But not the one he thinks. So much of that money is fees and interest. So much of that money is me trying to have a business. It is not like I went out and had a grand ole time. If I had, at least I would feel a bit better about the mess. And, on top of it all, I am dealing with cancer. It's not like I chose to be in the situation I am in.

He asked me if I had a second car, or a mortgage. He suggested I sell my things. As if (1) that was easy to do, and (2) as if I had anything of any real value. He told me about credit counseling. He also told me that I would no longer have any credit cards at all if I used their service.

The irony, perhaps, is that I am current and actually have GOOD CREDIT.

I had called the credit card company and asked if they could lower my interest rate, based on the fact that I had good credit. Nope. But I could try back in several months.

I don't dare tell them yet what is really going on with me. The last time I expressed concern - even though I was still current -  they said "thanks for sharing, we're sorry to hear it, and by the way, we are lowering your amount of available credit limit."

After the call, I thought about approaching them and asking about a settlement. At least if I settle with them, I will only have to give up one card. I don't want to give them all up. What if I have an emergency? I don't want to use a card, but if I have to. As it is, I started to use another card several months ago, and it is nearly at $2000, but it has given me more cash to use for other things. But then there is the "small" matter of coming up with a chunk of settlement money.

I also found out, perhaps, ironically, that I would be better off having my debt on various cards, then there would be a longer time to pay back the debt.

With all that transpired. it is clear to me that  I am supposed to somehow feel good about them screwing - um, helping - me.

I don't want to care about this. But life is hard enough right now. I don't need my credit in the tank, too. The guy even suggested that I go to the bank and get a loan? "Would a bank give someone with no income, and who has applied for Disability a loan?" "No, probably not." So knowing those things, why the heck did he say something so stupid?!

Where are the people and institutions that REALLY want to help? I am trying. I really am. But there is a fine line between trying and giving up. And I am really getting scared. I don't want to cross it. But every day it is getting harder and harder to get out of bed.



No One Chooses to be Poor

Recently this was posted by Bambi Watson. I asked her if I could share it here. I didn't copy it at the time, and had to go back in her timeline to find it. I find it interesting to note that despite the number of comments and "LIKES," it did not show up as a highlight. Makes me wonder what the criteria is that is used.

This isn't flowery. It isn't pleasant. But what it is, is real. It is something that is good perspective. I am seeing so many reminders lately of how "fickle" we humans can seem. I saw a story about a mother who is Mormon who fought gay marriage, but has now changed her mind - given that her son is gay. I saw something the other day about race.

In so many arenas of life we as humans have one experience of life until another experience of life comes along to change our feelings on what we thought we believed. Some - who likely have never been challenged in that way - would criticize a person for their change of path. Perhaps, though, it is a sign of growth, compassion, understanding and other good things. Perhaps one day, if we are lucky, we will find a way to be those things without having to hurt others in the process.

If you would like to help Bambi, she has a GoFundMe page. $5, I believe is the minimum. I know that we can't always donate to every cause and need that comes our way, but I ask you to check in with your heart and your soul, and if it feels right to give, I ask that you consider listening. As much as I hope it never is, it could be you one day.



I don't think most people can really grasp what being really poor is actually like...unless they have actually lived it.

I know I thought I knew what being poor was like... after all I grew up working class poor... we lived in trailers and low rent apartments...never had a car less than 10 years old... ate lots of "poor" food...noodles, potatoes, rice... wore second hand clothes... as a kid, it always seemed like we were poorer than everyone else...but we lived in the rural suburbs, weren't on food stamps or welfare, my folks would say we were lower middle class... now I know that translates to working low income just one paycheck from poverty...

As an adult, I improved on that... first home owner in my family... in an upper class neighborhood even if on the very edge in a tiny ramshackle house... it was a house, in a good neighborhood with good schools for my kids...and I worked my butt off to make sure we were never as poor as I had been as a kid...except we were poor compared to the neighbors who were doctors and lawyers, etc... my kids wore some second hand clothes, but also new stuff from K-Mart or Target... unfortunately, their school mates wore designer name brand clothes...

I remember how excited I was when I got my first car that was less than 10 years old...then one that was less than 5 years old...then the economy tanked... lost my job, unemployment ran out, messy divorce, ended up homeless.... and realized that I had never actually ever been truly poor before... now I understand.

It's easy to judge, or think that will never happen to me... it's easy to blame the poor...think they are lazy, or make bad choices... but it really can happen to anyone...a bad accident can leave you unable to work, or you get laid off after 30 or 40 years in one profession only to find out your profession no longer really exists...there are a million different things that can happen and you suddenly find yourself drowning...

And the shame... in America there is a mentality of blaming the poor for being poor, as if they woke up one money and just said "screw eating, shelter, indoor plumbing...I think I'm going to become poor"

Yeah right.

Then there is the whole stigma that poor people are lazy... what a crock... being poor is hard work for little or no pay... no more car, now you walk endless blocks to catch the bus, lugging groceries, laundry... you become a cart person, people on the bus give you the evil eye because your little cart of groceries gets in their way...you spend hours in lines for a small bag of day old bread, some cans of pumpkin and noodles, rice, beans...

If you're lucky enough to be physically able to work, then you're competing with healthy 20 somethings for jobs at McDonalds.... and minimum wage barely pays the rent in most states. Plus no one wants to hire someone who rides the bus...it's not considered reliable transportation...

Nobody chooses to be poor...

OK, I admit it.

I got a call today from someone. Someone I don't know. Someone who says he is a mutual friend of someone I know. The name he gave isn't really a friend. She is someone I think would be hard pressed to even remember who I am.

At the end of the message he said that he would expect a call back.

I found myself wondering why he was calling. He said nothing of the reason. I found myself wondering if it was a sales call. I found myself wondering if he had a clue about what is going on with me, if he had ever looked at my Facebook page or had ever come here.

I was really in no mood to deal with a sales pitch, especially if it is one that doesn't have anything to do with me. But I had to know. I had to know if he was blindly calling me.

So I called him back.

When I got voicemail, I left him a message. Now we will see what happens if he calls me back. I am really curious to know what his purpose was in calling. For all I know, he knows what is going on with me, and wants to in some way be of some help.

I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time, I have to say I suspect he doesn't have a clue of what is going on with me. I would be more than fine being proven wrong.

Why do I share this?

Because it makes me think. It makes me think about all the times that I have approached someone without really knowing them, or what is going on in their life. It makes me think about how helpful it is to know what is going on with someone to truly make a connection.

I saw something today about how Ecuador may be financially hurt by the US, depending on how it reacts to what is going on with the guy who is seeking asylum there. Someone said something to the effect that they hope that the right decision is made to preserve the economics of the country. It made me wonder if they would really be doing the right thing, and for the right reasons. It sounded more like the money was doing the talking.

How often does money talk?

I think it is likely way too often. And, to make matters worse, it seems to me that the idea of making a connection with someone is used as a mechanism to make that money. So instead of connecting as a means unto itself, it is a means to an end.

I feel very judgmental at the moment. I have taken great pride over the years in saying that I am "non-judgmental," but the fact is, I have come to realize that we all have to have a level of judgment. I think it is the way we gauge ourselves. I also think there is a difference between judging a person and judging their actions. And then there is the question of how we act when we judge another's actions. Do we turn it inward and use it for our own self-growth and understanding, or do we act in a way that affects the other person? (Paula Deen comes to mind).

This is a topic that is as bad as a loaded gun. There are opinions on so many pieces and parts of these situations. On Facebook I have seen so much reaction. I don't intend to stir the controversy. That, it would seem, is not my role. I think my role is more to ask the questions and to look at things in a way that others may not have considered.

But that doesn't mean I don't sometimes get caught up in the net myself. I have to admit that caller stirred me, but not in a good way. It doesn't help that I am in a sucky, overall mood. I have a lot less patience for things when I am in this place. The other day a friend tried to tell me how I should be in relation to what he was saying, in total disregard to what I was saying and where I was, and what I wanted.

I could be wrong, but I suspect no one - regardless of circumstances - likes to be told how another thinks they should be. And yet, how often do we have a world that is the result of just that?  How much of what we have to interact with is based on what another believes should be and the effects on another of not living up to/into that?

Is that the kind of world we want?

When, if, that guy calls back I am going to do my best to be open to the possibilities, and not have an attitude. Maybe there is a reason why he is calling that neither one of us knows, yet. In the meantime, I am noting what I can about the circumstances for my own benefit and actions going forward.

I really hope he proves me wrong.

Post Script:

He just called back, and he proved me right. And I wasn't as open as I had hoped I would be. I actually found myself a bit annoyed. And then he told me those wonderful, "stay positive" and "God has the last word" words.

But I did it to myself. I knew, and I still called him back.

*SIGH*






Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Vlog Update


Green Smoothie Recipe

For a few weeks now I wanted to make this smoothie. For one reason or another, I haven't. Today was the day. The original recipe is called Peppermint Patty. I added several ingredients: avocado, flax, chia seed and altered two: dates became prunes in my recipe (because I didn't have any dates), and milk became Greek Yogurt.

2c. frozen peas
enough water to blend
1 frozen banana
3 prunes
flax
chia seed
1/2 avocado
1c. Greek Vanilla Yogurt

You can still taste the peas, but it is subtle. I like peas, but couldn't imagine what they would be like in a smoothie. I am fairly certain I will do it again. And next time I will probably add some spinach, which I did not have this time.

Feeling a bit lost

This moving thing is unnerving me in a big way...it is not like I will pack and then move. I will have to pack with the idea that many of my things will into storage here in Maryland, while I will be headed to New York. The hope is that it will only be temporary. But if it is not, what things will I need to pull out of storage? How best to pack and manage things? I am so incredibly overwhelmed.

And I am worried about money...rather a lack thereof. Storage costs money. A truck costs money. This is the last thing I need right now. In a few weeks I also need to have bloodwork done. Fingers crossed it will be no biggie.

And then today a friend pissed me off. I really hate it when someone states the all too painfully obvious and it is something I really cannot do anything about. And then, expects me to be OK with it, or at least not be upset. So easy for someone not in my predicament to say and believe.

I am getting to the point I really don't want to say anything to anyone. I just hope something gives soon. I really need help, but don't have a clue about what to do. And I am sooooo tired. Still all I want to do is sleep.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Aeracura

Recently...in the last few weeks, I picked a card from Doreen Virtue's Goddess cards. The card that came up was Aeracura. The card says "Blossoming" and "'You are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up.'"

I have had these cards for a few years, but never have done much with them. Today, however, I was moving them around with other things, so I said, what the heck, let me pick another card. Aeracura was on top from last time so I mixed her in, and shuffled without looking. I picked a card, looked down, and saw, "'You are just getting started...'" In some disbelief, I then looked up at the top of the card for the name of the Goddess, and, yup, you guessed it...Aeracura.

So hard...

to do anything.

I have been in bed so much the last several days.

I remember how tired I was before I was diagnosed. I can't help but think about that in the background. I really hope things are not getting worse. And then, too, I am taking Mistletoe. Could that be making me tired?

Of course, we can't discount the tremendous amount of stress I am under.

All I want to do is...sleep.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

True Connection

When I was in my teens and twenties, I would hear other women talking about how a guy "had a nice ass." A friend of mine would send me cards with half-naked men. I often wondered if I was missing something. I was supposed to enjoy those kinds of things, or so it would seem.

The thing is that the "prettier" a guy was, the less likely I was to be attracted. I am not sure why that was. I am not sure the two things are direct cause and effect related. Given that I now know that I can pick up things from images, maybe it is that I picked up something from these guys that I did not like, and no amount of superficial glossiness was going to overcome it.

I think, too, that there has also always been a part of me that couldn't just have a superficial attraction to someone, The truest sense of attraction came from knowing who a person was, and liking and appreciating what I saw.

I am talking about this in past tense. However it still very much holds true for me. There has been more than one guy I did not find myself initially attracted to that I came to love. Part of the reason I may have been alone for as much of my life as I have been, is because I need more than just the superficial. I need a true connection with someone. I am not seeking, nor asking for, perfection. I am just wanting a connection. I just want something that at the core is real.

In so many cases of relationships that I have been exposed to over the years, that core is missing. If it was ever there in the first place, it has been uprooted by day-to-day living. So many I have spoken to have not settled in but, rather, settled. The difference? Settling comes with being unhappy and a conscious awareness of the things that are missing, complemented by a shrug of the shoulders. It's what happens in life, right?

I don't believe that has to be the case. However I have yet been able to prove that wrong. But it is one of those things that I feel at the core of who I am. So for now, I am not giving up on the idea. It is so difficult to stand where I stand on so many things. I don't know sometimes if it is conditioning or circumstances that have me feel as I do, or if it is more of an inner knowing. Given how much these things affect me, and how strongly I feel them, I am going to have to hope it is the latter.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Feeling...

restless.
unsettled.
anxious.

Have wanted to write about so many things. So hard to do anything today. So I pretty much did nothing - but watch Falling in Love, a nearly 30-year-old film with a young Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro and The Impossible, about a family of 5 who miraculously all survived the Thailand tsunami. Couldn't be two more different films.

I need to escape like that more often.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

From the History Books (Working Expos)

One of my jobs included working at Expos. I only did a few, but by doing them I got to go to Denver and to Portland. I learned a lot in the process. The biggest thing I learned was that my boss at the time made my job a lot harder than it had to be.

He was often totally unrealistic and demanding, and so not in a good way.

When I went to Portland, I flew out on a Friday, spending all day travelling. That night I had to set things up in the booth. By the time the day was over I was exhausted, and not to mention, my body clock was on east coast time. I spent the next day working the expo, and then had to pack up everything before getting myself to the airport to catch a red-eye home. I think I could have spent another night, but I wanted to be as rested as possible before going back to work on Monday.

I got home Sunday morning, and the day was mostly a waste.

Monday morning I went into work and I was looking at the mail - which included some trade materials - and my boss comes in and tells me I should get to work. Of course he might have been kidding, but the conversation that ensued tells me probably not.

It was a job that began with a huge lie, "occasional late nights." What he really meant to say was an occasional night that I would actually get out of work at a decent hour. He also told me that he would give me a raise once I proved myself. Once I proved myself, he had no money to give anyone in the company raises, and that included me - even though my raise wasn't a "typical" yearly raise. On top of everything else, I saw many personal things. He had me return a powered dog brush that was 200-300 dollars and an itemized list of furniture for his home in the amount of $10,000 came through on the fax machine.

It was his right to spend his money however he saw fit, but the least he could have done was not to flaunt in front of the person he told he couldn't pay what she was worth.

After a while, I knew I had to leave. It was next to impossible. I never had to dress up for work, so I would have to go to someone else's office, change into interview clothes, go on the interview, come back, change clothes and go back to work. I can't even remember the countless numbers of times I did that. When I finally got to the point that I gave notice, I gave 2 weeks.  Within a day, or two, he told me I had to wrap things up within the week, leaving me with an unexpected, unpaid, hiatus between jobs.

I'll never forget him, but probably for all the "wrong" reasons.


Just Because I Post Pictures...

it doesn't mean they're for your use.

I have found out that many of my images have been downloaded from here. I realize that to think that they wouldn't be would be unrealistic. However, some of the picks seem really odd to me. Why would someone want my high school yearbook page picture? Why would someone want pics of previous managers I worked with? Pictures of people they don't know?

It un-nerves me a bit.

Why couldn't people just come back here if there was something they wanted to see? If someone downloaded images from places I went to - or scenery - I am not sure I would appreciate the fact that they did it, but I would certainly understand it better. It feels sneaky to me for people to do this. And I am not sure what to think - or what to do about it. Even if there was a way to block downloads, and there might be - people can always take screenshots.

I want to share. But I just don't know what to make of it.

I came into a number of other pictures today, and now I am not sure what to do with them. Maybe I need to make a separate, private blog, so at least I know who is accessing them. It is one thing if it is someone I know, but the idea of complete strangers doing it is definitely freaking me out a smidge.

Monday, June 17, 2013

I'm Done.


I am really tired. I so did not sleep well. My eyes have been wanting to close all day. And instead of sleeping, I am trying to find pictures that I like of myself today. It is like when I was doing chemo. If I didn't feel well, I tried to put myself together.

It usually made me feel better. Problem is today that it's not working. I am not liking what I see. Is what I see distorted? Or am I just seeing how exhausted I am mentally, physically, emotionally when I see them?

I need a break. But I also have a ton of stuff I need to do in the next couple of weeks. I am really concerned about how I am going to be able to do all I need to do.

I'd like to find some time and a place I can just go and put the covers over my head for a while.

I think I am going to bed. Sleep would be nice, too.

I Can't Be the Only One, Can I?

I took pictures for the first time in a while today...especially ones with a wig. So many of them I could see how life is wearing me down. I can see the sadness in my eyes, and in how my face looks. I look worn down. Tired.

I just kept taking pictures until I found one I liked. It isn't easy take pictures of yourself. At the same time, it is one of the best things, as you can take so many more than some would be patiently willing to do. Plus you get to know good angles. You get to know what is likely to look the best.

So many have told me how photogenic they think I am. Are you photogenic when it takes many images to get to the one that makes you look that way? I dunno.

So many thoughts are going through my head. So many things. "Everything happens for a reason." "Be grateful." "Life has ups and downs."

Somewhere in the middle of all of this I can't help but wonder how much of this is "meant" to be experienced as is, and how much of it should be "fixed." So many things are approached in a way to fix something, with an inherent background of there is something wrong with what is.

Figuring out things isn't easy. Being with things isn't easy. Life, right now, isn't easy. There are times I get upset when people are trying to make it seem like this is nothing different than anything else in life, because it certainly feels different. But in some ways they may be right. But in others I am not so sure. What if this is all about me needing to be wherever I am until I am somewhere else?

I really wish I had done things differently in my life. But there were some things that I wouldn't have known to do differently. Sometimes I think I am kicking myself for not doing a better job of taking care of me. No one else was gonna do it.  I think I failed myself.

I hit an emotional place. Tears are streaming down my face. I was supposed to do a better job. I was supposed to make everything OK, make everything right. I felt responsible at a very young age. I had to be responsible at a very young age. I used to be upset about it, but now I just look at it for what it was, but don't know exactly what to do with it. I suspect there is something more for me to get here.

Funny thing for all the times in my life I have blamed others for my situation, I don't now. I am wondering if I have turned it inward, though. That's not much better, really. But I really don't know what else could have been done, and a part of me knows that. It knows that I did the best I could. I have always tried. I have always done what I could. And I have often felt left with many more questions than answers. I have tried so many things. I have read so many books. Gone to so many seminars. I can't be the only one who finds themselves left wondering, can I?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Closer Than Ever

For as much as I have shared here, there are things I haven't shared. At times I wonder if I should share them. I wonder what people will think of me. Funny. I used to wonder what people would think of a lot of the things I have said, but I have still come to a point of sharing them.

There is more attached to this, as well. It is not just what people will think. It is hard to explain, though, without really explaining it.

I feel like I get closer all of the time to talking about it. If I knew for a fact that my life was coming to an end any time soon, I would share in a heartbeat. I would want to put it out into the world on my terms. I would want people to have as complete of a picture of me as possible. 

I know it is a matter of time.

At times I ask myself if I am ashamed of what I have done, and I am not. If anything, I am proud about how I have handled what I have, with great respect for those I interact with - often more respect than I have been given. I have been a 3D character in a 1D world. 

If anything, I think context is part of the potential problem. I think there is an issue in our society with certain things, and they aren't even things that really are issues, but they become ones, thanks to people's judgments and beliefs. There is so much that goes on behind closed doors. So much. So much more than I ever wanted to know. But when we turn a blind eye and deafen our ears, and I think it has great potential to make things worse.

There are many who felt unheard. There are many who don't know how to reconcile societal and family expectations with what they think they should do. There are many who feel way too many pressures in their day-to-day lives and need an outlet. There are many who flirt with dangerous situations - in the name of harmless fun - and don't even know what they're getting themselves into. 

Over the years, I have spoken with thousands of people as they have opened themselves up to me in ways they never would with others - for fear of being judged themselves. So many who - on the surface - others would never guess what goes on in the shadows of their mind.

We all have that side. I have gotten more convinced over the years that we all have a need to fully and completely be who we are, and when we aren't, we risk many things - including the loss of those we hold dear, which may even include one's self.

As I sit here and type I feel so strongly that I need to share. It is like the time has come. I don't want to refrain from interacting with a part of me any more. It gets pretty dang confusing sometimes. Who did I tell what? It takes more energy sometimes than I feel I have to give to keep this part of me separate.

** 

I don't think I am there, just yet. But, boy, does it feel close.




Hold My Hand (Poem)

I believe this was from early 2011

Hold My Hand
Elizabeth Alraune

Hold my hand
and feel my heart
keep me close
when we're apart
closer than skin
closer than feet
there is so much
love does ever,
always complete

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Love (Poem | Video)

I can't remember if I ever shared this. But if I did, it is probably a worthy repeat;
and since I have been sharing several poems again tonight, 
here you go.

Come Be with Me (Poem)

Another one written within the last 5 years...approximately the same time as the last one.

Come Be With Me
Elizabeth Alraune

Come be with me
under the shade of love
there is a tree
a tree so tall
with roots so deep
to understand what's there
is nothing to keep
We must create
We must make anew
the beauty forever
through and through

I'm Sitting Here (Poem)

This is a more recent poem...within the last 5 years, or so.

I'm Sitting Here
Elizabeth Alraune

I'm sitting here
being made love to
by you
Even though
we're miles apart
you, I'm clear,
live in my heart
Your touches so tender
your love so sincere
Yes. It's you I love
mind, body, spirit
It's you who I am
at times like this
I feel your embrace
of being embraced
It's this feeling that
so many chase,
and yet gently,
cleverly, sweetly
in my life you were placed.

For a Moment (Poem)

Also from the archives...but no date.

For a Moment
Elizabeth Alraune

For a moment
I close my eyes
and visit a
memory
It's not clear
why it did
appear
but it brought
me near to a
time and place
that does more
than take up space
in my mind
not far behind
are the people
I once met
and occasionally
a regret
It brings
a smile to my face
even though it's
only a trace
of times flown by
What once was
shall never again be -
but you can't
tell that to my
memory

Our Lives Cross Paths (Poem)

This one was written 3/95...

Our Lives Cross Paths
Elizabeth Alraune

Our lives cross paths with many
people whose impression lasts
We interlock for a time
providing various things
Sometimes we do not even
know what link they provide to
our present or our future
What we do know is that the
time they spent in our lives has
enriched us in
ways they may
never realize
in ways we
may never know
We never expect
these wonderful gifts
Sometimes we don't know
they've arrived - they're a part
of the canvas of
the wonder of life.

The Subway (Poem)

The Subway
Elizabeth Alraune

The subway platform
echos with the sounds
of the musicians
The breeze of the train
blows my hair
My thoughts wander
far from here
The train arrives
the door opens
I'm in a crunch
Closed eyes view the
movies of the mind
Blank stares abound
Journey are taken
through books being read
There's no place I'd
rather be instead

I Loved You (Poem)

Funny. I don't know who I wrote this about. Although I think I might know. But even though it is uncertain, I find it interesting that the essence of this could have applied more than once. Once again, a poem from the shadows of time. It has been a while. But no date.

I Loved You
Elizabeth Alraune

I loved you
You took that love
and drove it like
a stake through
my heart
My world hasn't 
seemed the same since
Part of me has 
ceased to exist
I'm looking
for something
that was mine
and then lost
A feeling
that came and
went at such 
a great cost
It shouldn't
be so hard
to break from
my past
but you're a
memory 
that's sure
to last.

In the City (Poem)

Another poem, undated. Hard to even guess when it was written...but one thing is for sure - it was a long time ago.

In the City
Elizabeth Alraune

In the city
there are many
many noises
many voices
Many things to be seen
There is crime
There is poverty
and there is wealth to extreme
To wander the streets
some have no purpose
other than life
It's far too easy
to miss all their strife
There is a sense of loneliness
and a sense of despair
Who knows what to do for
those needing economic repair?
To look into their eyes is to
see one's own soul
But to look into their eyes
is to pay a heavy toll.
Some may not feel it
Some may never know
But they could be like
that some day
with nothing to show


From the History Books (Lap Blanket)

When I was in 8th or 9th grade, my grandmother was always saying how cold her legs were. She spent a lot of time in a wheelchair, and couldn't seem to be comfortable a lot of the time.

One Christmas I decided I would make her a lap blanket. Mrs L (from a previous blog entry) was sweet enough to teach me how to double crochet. building on the single crochet my grandmother had taught me.

I don't think she had this blanket very long when she passed away. When my aunt asked me if there was anything I wanted at the time, this immediately came to mind.

I was told that she had in the hospital with her when she died. My grandmother and I had a special relationship. I have wondered as an adult if we could have been sisters at another time. She confided much in me. She treated me very much like an adult. In some ways, I would guess given the circumstances she had to.

The last time I saw her, I went to the hospital with my aunt. I remember my aunt going into the bathroom and crying. I didn't understand what was going on at the time. Apparently my aunt knew something I didn't. I had been away at boarding school and my grandmother kept asking, "When's Liz coming home?"

My aunt knew with a fair amount of certainty that once my grandmother saw me, she would probably not be long for the world. The next day we were supposed to go back and see her again, but I got a call that we couldn't go. I found out the next day that my grandmother had died.

I wish I had known at the time that that would be the last time I was going to see her. I know sometimes people do the things they think are best when they are doing them. But it didn't really give me a chance to say my good byes. One day she was there, and the next she was gone. By the time anyone was told, my grandmother had already been cremated.

In some ways, I think my grandmother did me a favor with how she did things. I have never had to see someone who has died, and quite frankly prefer it. When my aunt passed away, she had a closed casket. Her thinking was that she wanted people to remember her alive.

Long before my death seemed as close as it has been in the last year, I said I wanted to have a closed casket, if anything. But I would really rather just a memorial service. I know I don't want to be buried somewhere. My mom says there needs to be a "final resting place." She said it quite strongly when I was in NY. It might have been her way of telling me that I needed to have one. I never really discussed what I want with her. I don't know who will be dealing with things when my time comes, but I hope they will do what I ask. My grandmother had my aunt handle things the way she did because she feared her wishes would not be respected by others.

I guess it is the last thing you get to decide before you go, but in the end, you have no more control over that than you do pretty much anything else that involves other people.


It's About Time (Peanut Butter Recipe)


Over the years I have made homemade pies, homemade pizza, homemade bread, homemade hot fudge, homemade gravies, homemade...lots of things. For some odd, unknown reason, I have never made homemade Peanut Butter.

It is one of the easiest freaking things ever - except for the fact that time is involved and clean up is messy. But...I am suspecting it is TOTALLY worth it. If nothing else, because I know what goes into it, and the price. I made this jar from just over one pound of peanuts. (For perspective, the honey jar is  a 2 pound size). The peanuts cost me $3, plus a little.

I used about 1T of honey, and a few turns of salt. I also used Olive Oil. I didn't measure though. If I was going to guess, I would say 1T per 1c of peanuts. I started out small, and just kept adding. I am not sure you can overdo it, unless you really overdo it, but if you are not sure just add 1t at a time. I wanted really smooth Peanut Butter, but didn't have the patience. I also did it in 4 different batches, each one probably a little different than the last. But that's OK, as I just mixed it together.

Now I have some delicious homemade Peanut Butter to go with my homemade "ice cream." Yummy. I can't wait!

Friday, June 14, 2013

Just Once Before I Die...

I just found a paper. I am not sure how long ago I wrote it. If I was going to guess, I'd say late teens, early 20s. It said something about how everyone thought it was so great that I was so independent, and so strong. But I wasn't happy about it. I was having to deal with many things on my own.

I had to be an "adult" long before I ever was one. By the time I was a Sophomore in high school, I was mostly on my own. I only went to college because *I* made it happen, and I paid for it. There was no one to hold me accountable, but me. There was no one to pay for it, but me. I started working when I was 16 and I worked through college.

Someone recently asked me if I thought that because people saw me as so strong, they thought I didn't need help. I don't know. I suspect it is possible. I also suspect that even in the midst of pain at various points in my life I was left alone because I was somehow seen as strong enough to be OK. But there were also many times I had no choice but to do what I had to do. And perhaps some have perceived that as strength.

Maybe it was. Maybe it is. So many times there was no one that I could depend upon. I had to make something happen if it was going to happen. It was up to one person. Me. But just because I have been strong, and just because I can be strong, doesn't mean that I am always capable of being strong, or even want to be.

It seems to me that being perceived as strong can be one of the loneliest places to be.

It would be really nice to have a someone to lean on for a change. To breathe a deep sigh of relief, and know that someone is there for me, to know that someone can help with the heavy lifting, and more. Even when I had someone who could have fit that bill by definition of "boyfriend," he was never someone I could trust would catch me if I fell, much less prevent me from falling.

Just once before I die...it would be nice.

There is Only Love

Not sure when this was...want to say early 2000s. It was what was written when I was asking for answers and support. It is for me, but like many of my Letters of Love, I believe there are potential messages for others.

**

There is only Love. In the world only Love lives - all else is static, dead. It has no pulse. It does not breathe. It is solid illusion. Stick your hand into it and and it feels real. Stick your emotions into it, and it feels real. You look with your eyes when you should see with your heart.

Love knows no bounds and it can never be captured. Love knows no bounds and can not be measured. You are pure Love. You are nothing more. Nothing less. It's like playing dress up. You are and then there is everything else.

You are Love in the world and the world is in you. You need not know the answers as there are no questions. There are no questions because there is only Love. To question is the act of determining how to be with the illusion. The only way to be is to see it for what it is. Nothing. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing.

You know nothing and as such you know everything. The world needs to awaken. It is through contrasts that one is able to come out of his sleep. In your sleeping and dreaming sometimes there are nightmares and sometimes there is extraordinary happiness - but it's all illusion. To awaken is to no longer need the contrasts to know what is true. Love will be Love because it is. Know that people appear to come and go, but they have never left, and they, as such will not return.

The connection you have with them is eternal and there is nothing to fear. As you die, you awaken to Love. Then when there are more things to learn, you go back to sleep. But you never forget the lesson of Love. They are within your soul within your heart, stirring. You feel them when you are with those you love and care about. you feel them when you become aware of what life is truly about. They are split second moments for most of us and they disappear mostly unnoticed, like your breath.

But, stop, pay attention to the beauty of the breath of life, the breath of soul. Your soul wants to speak, and your soul yearns to be heard. You choose whether or not you will listen in the moment to moment choices you make. Pay attention to what your life is made of.

Pay attention to the choices of your moments. Pay attention to the breaths of your action for in them is the breath of your illusory life. Your life is what you make it. Your life is yours to create or tear down. To love, to hate. Your life is an object. I t can be destroyed and taken away, but your soul is impervious.

Your soul knows all that it needs to know to provide for you  - should you choose to listen. Your soul is patient - as Love is patient. Your soul knows no time, as there is no time except the present. Now is the when that matters. Now. Now. Now. What do you do in your Now?

How is your moment? Do you hear your soul's whispers  Do you feel the guidance given you? Do you hear what is there to be heard? It is spoken always, but do you choose it? It is in every moment. It is in every object. In every thing - as you are every thing. It all speaks to you.

Are you afraid to hear what it has to say? There is nothing to fear, as it is all based in Love. It is important to discern the Love that is behind all. It is important to know Love. It is important to be Love. It is important to live and love in Love. It is difficult to use words to describe the simple. Human beings like the complex. This is not complex. This is as simple as it gets. All is Love.

Keep in Love. Trust in Love. Trust in your soul. You can and will live into your potential. These words are to be passed along to others, but they are words that are equally for you. You must continue to grow in spirit. You have no choice as it is what you have chose to for this incarnation. It is what gives you the sense - that feeling - that your life is to be a servant to others. It is through your servitude that others will get what they came for. You chose this route, as in your servitude is your leadership.

You are here to serve. You are here to lead. This is an important transitional time and many are on the precipice, awaiting to be awakened. Love yourself and love others. Silence your judgements and love the qualities of others. There is nothing that keeps you from others - except words.

Shut off the words, and turn on the Love. See love in everything as Love is in everything. Love vibrates in everyone and everything. There will be many drawn to you through the power of words. Always be mindful of this fact, as words are only a different illusion.

To shift based on words is to shift to another illusion. Your illusion is not someone else's. Each person has their own illusion. Each person creates his own reality and there will be many realities that you have have a role in. Millions of people will include you in their realities.

Be prepared, because as such you will have various roles in those realities. There will be those who will make you out to be a hoax, a villain, out for recognition. They will be about everything the illusory world is about. It will be the exact thing you will be addressing.  Remember always to see Love in everyone and everything for in that Love you will survive and not succumb.

This is the beginning of the journey. You have come here, begging to be here, and so now you are. Know that this is by your choice, and that it is a journey in Love. A journey in Love that is part of your dream. This will go the way you say it will. This will be about Love, or it will be about something else. You'll get to choose every moment.

Every moment claim Love.


So Much Time Spent in the Past

I just realized that many of the blog entries that I have been posting lately are from my past. What about my present?

In many ways, to be frank, it sucks.

I have a mess of papers that I am trying to sort and pack or dispose of. I have a big mess. Today my friend tells me he now has a plan. Best case for him, we are out of here the beginning to middle of August. The last house in the neighborhood that was for sale sold within a week. I think he has a good shot of being out of here pretty quickly.

I am stressed about money. That is nothing new. But it is a much bigger deal the closer I get to having to move. I am stressed about the prospect of living with my mother. She really doesn't have room for me. It is really going to suck if I have to go there. I started to wonder today if a hotel would be willing to put me up in exchange for promotion. I will definitely look into it. Especially if you are in Maryland, if you know of any potential options, can you please let me know?

I am trying to figure out my own plan. There is an overwhelming amount of work that needs to be done. I still don't know what all is staying or going. I still have a number of packed boxes to go through. I think a lot of things are going. Away. I am not happy about it. But I don't think I have much of a choice. Plus carrying the stuff around and worrying about it seems worse than trying to figure out how to hold onto it all.

I feel logically like I shouldn't be spending so much time posting the things I do. It is exhausting. But I am driven to do it. I am afraid that it could be fear of the things never seeing the light of day...but I still hold out hope it is just that I am driven to share. That things NEED to get out there. I can't believe the volume of things I have created over the years. Things that never went anywhere. I don't think that is the way it was "supposed" to be, but there was never the "right" time or "right" way to share. And many of the things would have at one time seemed too personal to share.

When the end of the line seems a lot closer than you want it to be, and when walking around oblivious is no longer an option, it is amazing what can happen.

Your Role (Quote)

Love Life (Automatic Writing)

May 5, 2009

What do I need to know?

You need to be aware of lifetimes of accumulated pain is in your body. Pain. Anger. Despair. you can let it all go just like that - if you are willing. You wonder why it hasn't gone yet...because you feel willing, wanting. Well, parts of you hang on to the pain because it is a way to hang on to those lifetimes - those lifetimes when things were left in unhappy, incomplete ways. It is a way of yearning to be there to complete lesson and be with those cared about. You never need return there, and you can consider those times complete if you truly, completely allow yourself to be in this lifetime.

You have had a glimpse of things to come, and you are only at the tip. You must fill in these things if you are to heal and let go. your gift comes in the form of gifting to others - by giving to others. You are able to let go of the things that no longer serve you. You are able to let the past be the past - this and every other lifetime. Right now. This moment - it's the only one that matters.

You are an open vessel for the language of love. you are allowing yourself to be a conduit for messages of hope, of compassion, of love and understanding. You are gifting people with themselves n a loving and accepting way that speaks from soul to soul. They need to hear the things you say in very much the same way you do when words resonate for you when they touch the love of who you are.

You have a gift. Everyone does. Everyone could do everything - however, everyone doesn't choose to do everything. Each and every person chooses which gift they will harness and use and share as they enter a lifetime. There is always at least one, and often several. The problem is most people fail to recognize their own gifts when they live day-to -day in the midst of every day's turmoils.

People are caught up in the stuff around them as a way to avoid the pain of not living into their gift - sharing its treasures and promoting the life they came to live.

Life is of a source. Call it whatever you want to call it. It is sourced somewhere. Language often hinders meaning. Assigning a word to something only limits what that thing is. It boxes it in, contains it, and steals from it its truest essence. Why have words? To communicate, you would say. After all, the writings you have done have words and they communicated. They communicated because the soul was ready, and heard exactly what it needed to hear - in the words were a meaning contained. If there is to be a meaning - best it be one that empowers, loves, supports, maintains.

Love of life is the most important factor for life to be. Without love of life, all there is is pain. Pain = the absence of a love of life. It is also much strife. Yes. It rhymes. We couldn't help ourselves. We're poets, don't you know it? Why shouldn't we have fun? Why should spirituality and things of this type be so "serious?" It takes away all of the fun, and life is meant to be fun. Life if lived properly - if there is such a thing - is one that allows for play and fun. When there is greed, when there is envy, there is no fun. When one focuses on what they lack, there is no fun.

Fun comes from an appreciation of what is - right now - this very moment. Fun isn't past or future tense - it is now.

It goes for anything, really. Nothing truly lives in the past or future. It only, completely, fully lives in the NOW.

What now are you choosing? What do you what do you want for this moment? What feelings, emotions are wrapped inside of you? All. Many. It is all available to you. Some in smaller doses, some in larger ones. You get to determine ratios. However you MUST be fully conscious of your choices. You must choose. You came knowing there would be choices to make. You came knowing there would be lessons to learn. You came knowing that there were things that needed release and resolution. You came knowing that there were many things that would be in the spotlight and there were others that would be in the background, and barely, if at all, visible.

You knew what life would be, and you still chose it. The thing is - choosing never stops. You need to continue to choose over and over and over and over and a lack of conscious choice - is still a choice. So which do you prefer? Consciously choose? Or just allow things to fall where they may?

You must realize that there is only one time, one moment, that matters and when you connect with that moment, it's as though time stands still. You are able to do things that confound the logical mind. You are able to do much more than you are yet aware.

These strange thoughts you have come from somewhere - from that knowing within. You know what's possible beyond the words.

(continued later that day...)

You are eternally a child. You eternally have curiosity. You eternally want to play. You eternally want freedom and joy. And because you eternally are a cild, you are able to have and be these things. If you aren't, or don't, then it's only because you have forgotten. Being a child never means being unaware, it just means being aware of what one wants to be aware of. 

Perspective, as you know, is everything and adults have the life squeezed out of them  And they in turn squeeze the life out of their children. Children have got it right. Children know. Children very much know. And parents, adults, authorities will often tell them otherwise, laying the foundation for the doubting, questioning adult.

The child questions from curiosity. The adult questions from doubt. There is very much a decided difference. You learned long ago not to trust yourself or those around you. As a result, it is how you live life - doubting, questioning, suffering. But beyond the doubt, the questions, and uncertainty are certainty, knowledge and answers.

Everything is available to you. Everything. We hear your mind questioning this statement. IF that was true, why do you experience life as you do? Because you want to. We know that seems harsh, as there is disappointment and pain and confusion.  Who would ever want those things? The answer is someone who wants it.

We're not meaning to be smart asses here. However, people learn through a myriad of avenues and if you weren't experiencing what you were experiencing would you be here with us now? Perhaps, and perhaps this was the avenue that brought you here.

We've been around you for years. You've known uit and experienced us before - and now - finally - you are embracing our offering - which is your offering to the world. We are mean to be a team, among your human team. You have things to share - always have - but haven't alway listened  or paid attention. Now you are ready. Yes, you're scared, uncertain - even in the face of all of the feedback you've received, confirming the direction is the right one. You have been listening and acting and that is the key. Had you not listened to us the other night, we would have tried another time, another way, another day.

You are listening and acting. You are creating new pathways for yourself. They're already paved, but you're making them your own. It is very important to make them your own. A pathway untravelled is useless. There are many pathways for everyone, and yet many are never travelled. You have made an agreement to help people in the most loving of ways and you will do anything and everything to that end. And as long as you respect and cherish those you interact with, we will honor them and you with these wonderful gifts of spirit. We also promise that you will be with someone shortly - in a loving, wonderful, supportive relationship. We will work diligently to create the pieces and parts that allow for that to occur in your life. It is important to be nurtured as well as nurture. You are nurturing, so we wil have you be nurtured.

We only ask for you to trust. TRUST. You must TRUST. Trust is the way you find your way to the road you travel. It's how you've gotten here, and its the way you'll find your way to the next pieces and parts of your life.

Love life and life loves you, not the other way around. Even though life DOES love you. It loves you in totally incomprehensible ways sometimes.

**
So what do I think of this?

I think there is some awesome stuff. I also don't know what to make of the fact that a predictive piece did not seem to come to pass. However I can't see devaluing the whole message on that one part. I wonder sometimes if it is just me talking to myself when it comes to this stuff. Am I only hearing what I want to hear? I don't really know. What I do know is that when I write these things I often forget that they have been written. It is like I am in a different state. I forgot about this until I found it again. 4 years later. In some part if is fascinating to me how it speaks to me now. Maybe it sounds crazy to you, maybe it means nothing to you, but maybe there is something in it for you, too. Take it or leave it. I certainly won't be offended or surprised if you think me off.

It's the story of my life.








Thursday, June 13, 2013

Yusny: A Tale

The written word had long disappeared. When Yusny found the paper, she had no idea what the symbols meant. She was fascinated by the lines. Did they mean something?

Language had progressed to the point that it was purely audible, and even still, that type of communication was losing favor with those younger than she.

Those who were younger preferred to communicate via waves. It was only recently discovered that the genetic pattern of the human mind had shifted. No one was certain when or how it happened, although some suspected it had to do with the changes that came when there was no longer any food to eat. It was the body's way to adapt for survival. But it didn't happen for everyone, and there was no consistency to the findings.

Yusny still preferred to be verbal with those she needed to communicate with, but it was apparent that before she departed for her next lifetime, she was gong to have to adapt.

In school she was told that lifetimes were planned for her. She was told that she would know when she'd need to leave, and when that time came, the Divine Consciousness would send messengers to pack her things,and take her to the waiting area, until they were ready to receive her in the next life. She wondered why she never remembered any previous lifetimes or visits to the waiting area, but she was always told it was for the best. She would always have whatever she needed and that would be sufficient for her purposes.

She knew the Divine Consciousness, or the DC, had a planning committee that had committees. It was amazing how something so large could be so well known and simultaneously so mysterious and have so much control over how she lived her lives.

And yet, it was something that had been in place for centuries. People had come to expect the Divine Consciousness Representatives to show up at the moments least desired. Sometimes in the middle of travel, sometimes while sleeping, sometimes in the middle of celebration. Sometimes for the young. Sometimes for the old. There was absolutely no predictability, except for those who were fortunate enough to work for the DC, or in some cases, for those who bribed its members.

Of course, everyone knew about the bribes, but no one dare speak of them. You were never to question the DC. You were to live your life according to Plan until it was your time to leave. And you always knew when you were off course, your mind would be confused and your body would get weak, and the only way to feel good was to correct your bearings, and do as you should. Within hours of changing course, you would find yourself immensely better.

If you continued on a path that wasn't in your Plan, you would likely find yourself having to visit a Pharm for treatment. Pharms were underground places that existed because the proprietors believed (illegally) that people should have the right to make different choices.

The DC disagreed, of course, and anyone caught and found guilty of running a Pharm would immediately be shipped off to their next lifetime, no questions asked. The law was clear. One much obey DC completely and without question.

Some  would disobey just to get out of the restrictive environment, hoping that the next lifetime would be better. But sometimes, these people would be torn because of their love for family and friends. In addition,  there were those who would manage to communicate from their future. No one was really sure how, as the DC did its best to secure the leaks. However, these people would be able to send messages, and oftentimes the messages would convey a sense of sadness and remorse for disobeying, as there would be a long delay at the station and/or they would be in a lifetime that was miserable as punishment for their not being able to follow the Plan in the previous lifetime. The DC would make certain that those left behind would live in fear of disobedience.

It didn't always work, though, as the underground Pharms thrived. And within these communities was knowledge of how to disrupt the disabling patterns of the DC. What these people knew was revered, and also used with great caution. If a person was caught using their services, their lifetimes would begin again, but this time in a different city with a different family. The lessons to be learned would be learned, and DC found it to be an effective punishment.

People had little choice but to obey because when they didn't, choices would be made for them, and the choices would often be painful and lead to sadness and discontent.

What people didn't realize, though, was that the world that was once three dimensional no longer existed. It had become a dream world. Nothing truly existed. It just appeared to.

Everything that seemed to happen just seemed to happen. The events were shadows of possibilities. What people didn't realize was that all their fears, hopes, concerns, were all fabricated for the purpose of control and that the external world had ceased to exist. All there was was the world that was pumped into their mind.

The detours off the path were the times when their mind chose not to cooperate with the Designed Operating Standards.

Scientists would study these times to see what they could do to avert this activity in future beings It was clear that in order to control a being, one needed to control its mind. And it wouldn't be able to have a world in which to have 3D experiences again until it had complete control over the mind of those who would exist within it.

It would be the only way to have an existence that made any sense.

People - humans - were a waste when they could do as they wanted. They would deplete resources and destroy the very things they needed for existence.

Humanity needed to be redefined, or at the very least redirected. It always had the ability to be more than it proved itself to be, but somehow often chose other paths.

That's when DC stepped in. It knew better. It knew what was needed and proceeded to work with those who managed to survive the turmoil.

In exchange for the ability to survive, the survivors gave up parts of themselves to DC. It didn't seem like a lot - at first. And when it did become a lot, it was already too late to do anything differently. It was very difficult to distinguish anything in the midst of attempting to survive.

In survival, these minds still sought escape, but they were never fully able to. They were caught in a reality created and managed by the DC, adept at working in many contexts.

The fear is what bound these beings. The DC counted on it. All programming gravitated around it. Fear was a necessary piece of its programming effectiveness.

That was, until the day that Yusny found that paper.

**

Thanks for visiting my blog. Who am I? My name is Elizabeth Alraune. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year, and am currently dealing with a recurrence. So much of what is happening is making me look at my life and the myriad of things that I have created over the years and is compelling me to share. This particular piece was written in 2009, while I was living in California. I invite you to stick around a bit. There is a lot here. I have written this blog since Day 1. There are almost 800 blogs (which include 80+ vlogs) at this point with poems, reflections, blog entries about my cancer experience and about life. I am very much in need of help. If you enjoyed this Tale, perhaps you would consider making a donation? Even $1 would help! (Seriously.) And it would be greatly appreciated. Of course if you are inclined to offer more, you won't hear me complaining.

A Couple of Quickies

I was trying to come up with something for a wedding day (years ago), and as often is the case, I wind up with a bunch of nonsense, and not so great stuff. There were two things that I came up with I thought some people might find...interesting? I am not sure what word to use. I am not sure they convey the best overall tone and message...but I thought I would share... 1. One Ceremony Two Rings The Fat Lady Sings 2. Love takes many routes but none so long as the route to the altar.

The Thunder Did Ring (Poem)

The Thunder Did Ring
by Elizabeth Alraune
(from a long time ago)

One nice, sunny
day I took a
boat ride
in the bay
I rode softly,
the waves
making perfect
pillows for
my thoughts
I was in heaven -
or so I thought
How wonderful
it was
there was nothing
else to do
no where else to be
It was just
the sea and me
The storm clouds
tip-toed in
I noticed not
a thing
until the
thunder
did ring
I was tossed
around
like never
before
Losing sight
of my strength
I took hold of the oar
It broke
in two
as my resolution
shattered
I was lost in
a storm and
that was all
that mattered

A Friend (Quote)

Charcoal Drawing

When I drew this image as a child, my aunt asked me for the same one. For a long time she had her copy hanging on her hallway wall.

It still seems odd to consider that she is gone. In some ways she feels as present as ever, given that we had been out of contact for so long.

I have a sneaking suspicion she hasn't gone very far, either. I am so grateful that I had her support. What a gift it was.

Limitless Possibilities

For a while I had a newsletter. I wish I had kept hard copies of all of them. But I didn't. However there was one that I did keep a copy of.

Part of what it said was...

The world has changed, and wil continue to change - whether we like it or not, and whether we want it to or not. The great thing is that we have a say in the matter. It is my greatest desire to awaken that part of humanity that knows its power, and to use it to create a world of Love and not one of destruction. I would love it if you'd join me. As an alternative to random acts of kindness, consider making it a habit to ask people what you can do to make a difference for them, and then do it. If you do it once a day, watch what reaction you will get, and then watch what happens. Each person has the ability to make a difference for themselves and others when they focus on others. Think about it, with yourself what do you have? One person, you, and it is limited. Focus on others outside of yourself, and what do you have? Limitless possibilities.

This was written not long after September 11, 2001. I have to say the times that I am engaged with another are usually my most rewarding. It is a good thing to remind myself of. Perhaps it will be something for you to consider as well.

If there is anything that I can do to make a difference for you, please do let me know.

Additionally, in the same newsletter I wrote something else. It is a bit to type up...so it won't be at the moment. It was called The World Body and Its Dis-Ease. I will have to come back and do it. My hands need a break, though. I have been sharing so much lately.

Grand Illusion

This is more Automatic Writing. When I re-read these, I am never sure what I think...especially since I am no longer where I once was. They bounce off of me differently now.

**

This is all a grand illusion. Nothing is real. Nothing is fake. It is all just what it is. There is no emotion, just highs., just lows...neither of which are anything but what they are. You are floating in space, in darkness. The illusion has you see other things. You are not real. You are not made up of blood and bones - These are names given to things - but they are not you. You have nothing. You are nothing. Nothing is you. You were never here, and you never will be, as exactly where is here. You think you know what here is, but what if Minnesota was actually New York? What if men were actually women in disguise? What if nothing was as it appears to be? There would be chaos. Humans need names and illusions so they can manipulate everything - have the illusion of control - but they control nothing. They own nothing. They are nothing. Life is an illusion, as bodies, so called come and go. You live forever. You are forever. You are love everlasting - but are afraid to see it. You are joy unbounded but know not where it comes from or goes to - and that is because it does not move. It is always and forever here and now - just as you  - always and forever here and now. Not a today, not a yesterday. You made all of that up, trying to understand the simple. Everything is here is now. Everything - which is to say that all there is is here and now as everything is an illusion. You have nothing  and never will have anything. To think otherwise is human, and not real. You are not real. Your dreams your desires are not any less real than the illusion you currently find yourself in. It is all illusion and can be swept away by one celestial wind. It is all temporary, as nothing imagined lasts longer than the imagination. Nothing lasts, except for the here and now. What does your here and now look like? What pictures do you paint? What images do you live with  What images are self-imposed? What images do others create for you? and put on YOUR walls? Your life is your imagination. That is all it is - and all it ever will be to realize that is to see true power - power is not in actions, manipulation. True power is in the occurrence in the moment as the occurrence of your thought. You are more powerful than you realize. You forget that the pictures can be changed and so can the furnishings  You have forgotten that YOU put them here in the first place. To remember this is to remember what is important. All else is illusion.

Desperate or Romantic?

I thought I had shared this previously, but I cannot find it. It is difficult to keep track of the myriad of things that are here. If it is a repeat, though, odds are many have yet to see this. Either way, it doesn't really matter as this is much more personal than for public consumption. I share it here, though, as a way of putting all the pieces and parts of me in one place.

I think I wrote this around 1999. At the time a friend told me it sounded desperate. Another told me it sounded wonderful. Whatever it is, it is what was my reality at the time. Maybe someone reading this could relate.

I walk - rather wander - the streets searching for you. I wonder if I stay in one place, if you'll find me more easily. Where could you be? Are you a block ahead? A block behind? Are you in a store I am passing all the time? Are you my neighbor? Do you buy lunch near where I work? Where are you future love of mine? Why is it so hard to find you? Do you feel the same way about me? Are you looking for me and not finding me in the places your glances land? Are you seeking the lady of your dreams who will be the woman who can make your wholeness more fulfilling? Why haven't we yet found each other? What needs ye to be done? For us to meet and click, our spirits have undoubtedly already met - when the bodies do, too, it wil be sublime. I know I must wait for you - but patience is not my strong suit. I want you now. I want to be cherished by you - and I want to love you. I  have all this love stored up inside of me that is aching to come out. I would much rather it come out than see it wither and ide. Love like this is meant to be shared. Love liked this is not meant to stay inside the shell of a person. I need it to ooze out through my pores. I need it to surround you and seep into yours. I need to express myself in ways that I could only with you. I want my wholeness to be fulfilled. I want shared experiences - I want to share smiles and laughter with someone that I go to sleep with and wake up to - someone who is  a constant in my life...someone who cares about me almost as much as he cares about himself. Is it a romantic ideal more than a romantic reality? Am I wanting too much? Is what I describe more suffocating than liberating? I don't believe so, and you, whoever you are, wherever you are, will find my words touch your heart for it speaks the same language. Preparations needed to be made in advance to make all our possibiliites into realities. I know we'll be together one day - but please don't keep me in suspense much longer. I don't really like surprises. The only surprise I want is to wake up one morning and find you laying there physically the way you have all along in my heart. I love you already. Please, let's get together, we've already been too long apart.

All is Illusion

Ever hear of Automatic Writing? Well. This is that. It is as though whatever is being written is being written through me. I couldn't have come up with this on my own.

This was dated August 13, 2002

This is all illusion - All is illusion - These words, this pen - all is floating in space - dancing in the air, but looking as through it is on paper - you are a segmented being who claims to be whole. But there are only segments knitted together by the imagination. There are threads that are there, but are not acknowledged - threads between you and your chair, you and your vehicle, you and your neighbors. There are many threads, like a spider's web. We are all knitted together by an imagination we do not claim. But it is as much ours as the one that knits our body together. We are all one organism that appears to breathe separately. But it actually takes one collective breath. Know that your world leaders make decisions that affect this body's well being. They make the decisions that you call them to make. They are you you. You are the energy that is them. Feed them nutritiously, because they need to be fed "the good" stuff for the health of the organism and for its survival. This is not real - but it is the reality you created. Lessons are here to be learned, and learned they will be. Know that these lessons come in this world. There are alternates with different lessons. It's like a control room with many TV screens. Once can watch many scenes of many lifetimes transpiring at one time - and at any one time, one, or more of those screens can go blank - as if shut off. The screen could then turn on again, only to find a different scenario. There are limitless possibilities, and it is beyond human comprehension to realize that this is not the "one" reality. It is just one among many - and can be scraped at any time - as other have through time. Times as you know it does not exist. Time as you know it is only the appearance of movement. There is no such thing as movement. There is only now. If you were to blink, the next reality would be upon you. Blink again, and there's the next one. Minute by minute is nothing but reality to reality. Know that there is no such thing as minutes, seconds, years - you are as young today as you have always been - and you are as old today as you have always been - which mirror are you looking in? What is the reflection that you see? It's your choice. Mirrors reflect your reality. There are all kinds of mirrors - your family, your environment, your health...the world in which you live is a reflection of you...

Tape is Better

I once watched an episode of All in the Family. Edith was arguing with Archie that tape was better than thumb tacks. The reason came down to the fact that she didn't know where the thumb tacks were. How often do we argue for a something just because it's easier? How often do we wind up in an unnecessary argument?

What if...?

What if your thinking only interferes with what you feel?
What if your brain often sabotages your soul desires?

I don't know.

I'm just askin'.

Qualities (From the Archives)

When I was laid off of my last "real" job, I was given the opportunity to go to a firm that would help me figure out what to do next. I have always had great difficulty with translating my skills into things that are marketable in a way that fits into a box. It was at that point I figured out that by that time in my life I had had an average of 10 jobs in 10 years. That was a time - by the way - it was less than fashionable to change jobs. It was a time that people expected you to stay in a job. I had to always defend my work history.

This was one of the pages I had used while I was doing exercises. It makes me a bit sad to see now. I am not sure that the person I am is the person I was when it comes to organizing. All the left brain stuff doesn't feel like it used to. It is getting better, but it has taken a big hit. The stuff that isn't left brained, though, I find that to still be consistent. I guess if chemo was gonna mess with a part of me it is better for it to be the left, logical side, than the right - which is more the soul of who I am.

It may be interesting to note that I never had a full time "real" job again after that. But one thing I knew was that while I kept finding jobs, it was not what I wanted to be doing - although I did not know what that was at the time.

Now if I can just figure out how to translate my soul in a way that makes me money.


Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe





















In my "other," Domestic Goddess, lifetime I had soooo many recipes that I collected. I used to cut them up and put them on cards. This one was in the newspaper. Not many of them have lasted throughout the years. This one did. As you can tell, I probably made these a time, or two.

VERY yummy.


How Often? (Something to Consider?)

I am not sure where this originally came from. It arrived in my email at work one day. If there is credit to be given, and you know who should get the credit, please let me know.

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted  Next remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have ben sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. And that is how company policy begins.

Even though it talks about company policy, and that is the environment I received it in, I think this could apply to any social arena. I remember once hearing a story about a young woman who cut off the ends of a ham. She asked her mother why she did it. Her mother didn't know, she had just done what her mother always did. When they asked the grandmother she said it was because the ham never fit in the size pan she had.

How often do we just go with the way things are without question? How often do we do it to avoid pain? How often does it affect those who come after us?

Review of Recordings

Before I sold MP3s online, I had a CD with 5 of my MP3s (Relieve Stress - 3 versions, Clarity and Healing). Kathy Nodine was someone who had bought one. This is what she said about it:

"When I first heard the CD I was a Total Burnout. I asked if she could help me. I heard the CD when I went home. I did the breathing like it was said to. On the release of the breath the second time, I felt something coming out of me. The heavy weight I had was going. And as her voice spoke, it was making me lighter - so relaxed. I didn't want to go back to the outside world. It was like I wasn't involved in the world for a while. I now find myself in a hurry to get home, to go on my wonderful journey. Everyone I work with is telling me whatever I am doing, keep it up. It works for me. Many, many thanks."

To see more about the recordings and to buy, visit Relatingtocancer.com/mp3s.html.

A Journey

I went to a drumming circle several years ago and wrote up something from one of the "trips" I took. I don't remember what it was actually called...a journey? I am not sure when it was could have been over 10 years ago.

I remember it being quite powerful.

"It wasn't very light, actually quite dark. I met a Tiger pretty quickly who said he was my power animal. He said - SHE actually said that I was to learn to be tenacious. I can't remember if that was it - but I was to be female - in touch with my female. My fire was people. I was to get my 'power' from everyone around me. I was to be Love. By being Love, there would be people who would come to me. A Hawk was there, too and we went flying overhead as I saw the sky lighten up and it went from Sun to Moon Sky. It was beautiful. Love and people were a strong emphasis. The hawk was there to teach me to keep an eye out - watch everything closely. There would be things to notice. I need to be WOMAN, strong, but feminine. (I saw myself marrying someone that I thought I would be with.) And it was like moving from the dark into the light."

Tenacious - not letting go of easily. I wonder if I have learned that lesson. In the face of so much I am not willing to let go. The "funny" thing is I sometimes get so much grief for it.

As far as the marrying thing goes, that is such a tough one. I REALLY thought we would be together to the point of feeling like I was making stuff up. Some would say that means we were meant to be together, but he didn't take the opportunity. I have heard that more than once about the men in my life. I offered them something that they weren't ready for and/or didn't take. I have been told that I am at a different level than many are and that is one of the reasons why I have the issues I do. I can help others to get to a different level - if they let me.

I don't know what I think, other than the fact that there are times it is very frustrating and others where I feel very much alone. I love that I can touch people. It would just be nice if for once someone would be willing to touch back in a more enduring and meaningful way. So many over the years have drawn in, only to suddenly retreat.

If there is that special someone out there that can match me or elevate me, you can show up any time. Really. I am more than ready for you. Maybe Hawk will help me in some way. I suspect Hawk already is. So much of the last year has been me paying close attention to the details.

All I ask for when this life is done is peace around what has been. Even if I don't get to where I thought I wanted to get to, all I ask for is peace in knowing that I did all that I could to get there.

Homemade Tortilla Recipe

I made these the other day, and I am very happy with the recipe. I doubled it, and then made 14 of them, instead of 16, as they come out pretty small.  If I was willing to roll them out instead of press they would probably be a better size for a wrap. As is, it is probably the best this way as I probably should be staying away from gluten. 

I decided to freeze the pressed dough individually - wrapped in aluminum foil - so that I can have fresh tortillas when I want them. As thin as they are, they defrost quickly. Freezing works really well. You can get the Homemade Flour Tortilla Recipe Here



Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Mourning

Over the years I have wanted to have a good relationship with someone - one that was healthy, one that proved to me how far I had come from the relationship I had in Columbus. Over the years there have been so many guys who were interested, but it never went anywhere. Part of it, I'd like to think was because I had grown, and I wasn't willing to put up with things, give in, or settle.

I just got done reading several journals and was reminded of many that I forgot. So many questions I have about what didn't happen. In some ways I am very sensitive to this topic, as some would say that it is all my "fault" that nothing ever came to pass. I realize that I am the common denominator, but at the same time, I was open to different people, different things, different approaches, and still pretty much wound up empty handed.

I almost wanted to say empty hearted.

But the thing was that during this journey I learned a lot about myself. During the journey I met some really awesome people. It just really sucks that the one thing I consistently have wanted has consistently eluded me.

A few years ago I gave up. I was resigned. I thought I would be by myself for the rest of my life. Right after that I not only met one person, I met a few. Each situation better than the last in some ways and certainly more intense. Each one breaking my heart a bit more. Each one challenging me to keep my heart open.

I don't know what I think right now. The drive for a relationship isn't as strong as it once was. Maybe I am again resigned. Maybe I am afraid no one will want me, and it is safer not to want than be rejected. Maybe I just have been disappointed way too many times.

This is one of those cases in which I am crystal clear that just because you want something from the deepest part of who you are, it doesn't mean you are going to get it. Is it because I screwed up royally? Or is it because that just is how life sometimes is? I know what some people would say, but I don't really care. I have been all over the spectrum about this. I have done all the exercises, all the prayers, all the asking for help. I have communicated better than I ever have. I have been without expectation. I have been accepting. I have been so many things and still...alone.

Sooner or later I would have to hope that I will be let in on the "secret" thing I missed all along. I hope it makes sense given how torturous this journey has at times been. Maybe I missed nothing. Maybe this just is how life sometimes is. I don't know.

And then there is the story of Steve Perry. He was watching a video with a woman that he thought he could be interested in, and asked to be put in touch with her. He was told that she had Stage 4 cancer. He hesitated for a moment, but then asked to be set up. They met and clicked and were together about a year and half before she died.

When it is right, it seems it can steamroll ya, and you can forget about being logical.

So who knows what will happen? It is possible the best is yet to come.

If I am honest, though, I have my doubts.