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Monday, August 31, 2015

Up & Eating

I don't like eating at this time of night, but it seems that if I am awake, I need to, or else I will not sleep/get back to sleep. I wind up feeling so sick.

I wonder what the heck that is about, as it is a relatively new thing on the scene.

I had thought about something I wanted to write, but can't remember now what it was. This forgetful thing drives me crazy. I "should" be "used" to it by now, but I am so not. It is so freaking annoying to have thoughts just come and go like that.

Oh. I think it was about this trip I want to take. But that is a bit bigger than a midnight snack to talk about right now. When is gonna be the "right" time to talk about it? It really worries me that days go by and I have done essentially nothing except try to avoid major side effect issues, eat, and sleep.

Will a few more weeks be enough to recouperate so I can get on the road? I know I keep asking this question. I would stop, if I had any resemblance of an answer. 

I have to try to plan, as if I am going, whether I can pull it off, or not. But when I can barely pull off getting out of bed most days, a part of me just thinks I am freaking crazy to even consider it.

Right now I would just be happy to sleep. Tomorrow I have a few things I should do. I will be really happy if I can get them done. 

*fingers crossed*


Sunday, August 30, 2015

I can't help but wonder...

Lately there is a big move in the south to remove the Confederate flag, as well as statues of significant members of the Confederacy. I am sure many think it should have happened a long time ago.

I, on the other hand, wonder if they were to stay, if they could be a reminder of a "place" to stay away from. A problem with that idea, though, exists in the fact that the meaning of some of those things already varies, depending on who you talk to.

Just to be clear, I am not advocating for one side, or the other. In some ways, I feel a bit too far removed from those emotionally charged by their significance. I am not sure it is "my" choice to make, and if it was, my question above is one I would certainly be asking of those asking me to make that decision.

I am not always sure that removing the things that make us uncomfortable is a good idea. We already look the other way many times when it might be better for us as a whole if we were willing to look and engage.

Not to say I am "right." It was just a thought that crossed my mind...I often think I may "know" something, only to be shown something that expands my mind's perspective. Sometimes the fact that I did not see what is shown me is sometimes disappointing. How could I not have seen that?

I guess that is where having an open mind can come in handy. It allows me to see things as others might, and makes me more empathic. However, being willing to be wrong is certainly a pre-requisite to getting "there."  Admittedly, there are likely to be times I am unwilling to see things any other way than I do, and that can certainly cause a problem, or two, or ten.

We human beings are sumthin' else. You ever wonder about how amazing it is that we have anything we do? We can create so many issues for ourselves and each other interacting with our contrasting ideas and perspectives. At the same time, we apparently can also manage to figure a few things out along the way. 

It certainly does make me wonder...

Interesting Tidbit

Occasionally I Google myself. I have found a few interesting things that way. I have a couple of quotes that people really seem to like. They probably have no idea who this "Elizabeth Alraune" is, but it is pretty awesome to be quoted among names many would recognize.

Today I discovered there are 3 authors that I do not know who have quoted me. In their books, are my words. That seems a bit on the cool side to me.


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Enough.

When I "found" my tears yesterday, it was when, out of no where, I yelled, "ENOUGH!"

I started to cry, as I spoke to "anyone" who might be listening: God, angels, guides...I told them I had had enough of this. It needed to be done. I was more than happy to be in the world, and do things, but there was no way I could as things are. I can't function. There are days I can barely move. I just can't.

"This" needs to end, and I made it clear that I did NOT mean I wanted my life to end. I also made it clear that while others would make seem there was a "certain" way of asking for help, that I do not believe that. In fact, I refuse to believe that if I do not get "help," I am not doing it the right way. That just does not seem right to me. However, if they wanted me to ask for help, then here I was - pleading for it.

My tears were so hot as they streamed down my face and dripped into my lap. Instead of crying hysterically, it was a somber cry. It was a deep cry from my soul. 

I also wondered out loud if, as some might suggest, I knew this would be my life before I came here. If so, OK, I agreed to it. I have learned a lot, and would continue to learn more if things continued to deteriorate, but STILL, ENOUGH.

Enough already. Please. 

I am so, so tired.

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Saturday, August 29, 2015

Just...

Just found all those tears that were lurking before.

Shuffling

You know how sometimes you can "play" a situation for effect? How sometimes you may look or sound worse than perhaps you are to get attention or sympathy?

There are times I wonder if unconsciously I could be doing that when my friend is around. I feel like I am moving so insanely slowly. I am bent over. I am barely able to function.

But, here's the thing: I do that even when I am alone. (I also have times there is no way in hell I could move that slowly, even if I wanted to. I wouldn't have the patience).

Just a few minutes ago I was hobbling up the steps. I had shuffled downstairs to feed my friend's cat, and I was walking funny, slowly, breathlessly, and shuffling.

As I came back up, I tried to hold on to the railing, but it hurt my hands, given whatever is going on with them. (Still hoping they do not get any worse. Saw some pictures of major peeling and blistering. How would I function?)

So my hands could not help me pull myself up, or support my weak legs. I went even more slowly than usual. And then, I felt something in my right knee. A cramp? Whatever it was, it weakened my right leg, and slowed me down, even more.

What if I couldn't get up the steps? My phone was upstairs. 

I had a moment I could have lost it. I felt very close. But it was there, and then it was gone.

Moments like these scare the shit out of me. It is possible I will soon have to find a place to live, and I wonder if I can make it on my own. A place without steps would certainly be a big plus. But, even still, I can't do anything outside of the house. If I needed medicine, I wouldn't be able to go get it. The same with food, or any other necessity.

What is affecting my hands could potentially affect my feet. I can't take care of myself, if I can't use my hands or feet. It is already hard enough, as it is. At least if someone is married, or has nearby supportive family or friends, they can get help in a time like that. I do not have that.

I am feeling emotional, but the tears haven't come. Am I holding back? It is like they are there, but somehow not.

I am feeling gassy, and my stomach is miserable. I know I need to eat something, but very little feels appetizing. I decided on a homemade pizza, and the crust is currently defrosting. I should look forward to eating it, but the fact is it feels much more functional at the moment.

I also need to put it together. I would love some homemade pesto with it, but that just ain't gonna happen, short of some incredible burst of energy. I will be lucky enough to have it at all. But the defrosting takes a bit, so it will be a while before I get to that part.

I have tried to have ready-made food for myself, but even "ready-made" isn't instantaneous. It is so hard to not know when I can stomach eating, only to find I need to eat ASAP. I usually wind up dealing with the latter scenario, as eating when I don't want to just doesn't work.

Sometimes I wonder why I tell you these things. I am guessing there are many who read things like this, but couldn't care less. For some it may be TMI. 

Maybe I just hope somewhere out there there is someone who will not only care, but care enough to do something to help. Sad to say, a part of me thinks I am just crying out in the dark.

Another part might just be trying to be helpful, trying to explain the kinds of stuff someone deals with. That part of me is pretty persistent, although another part of me can't help but wonder why I even bother.

In the end, I am sitting here, alone, in pain, tired, and miserable. And most who will read this are out in the world, living their lives, blissfully unaware of what that person, in that house, on the second floor is dealing with. And, quite frankly, I suspect that is probably the way they like it.

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Friday, August 28, 2015

I Did Not Want to Do It

I did not want a third cycle of this chemo. It has kicked my butt in a big way. I did not want more. I wanted to stop. 

But I "compromised." I decided to do a third cycle with the intention of getting off, and seeking to get on the road again.

But I am having issues. The side effects have me weak, and bent over. My stomach hurts when I eat, and hurts worse when I don't. Sleep has been sporadic and difficult. I am having a hell of a cough that is also sporadic, so I do not take anything - unless it won't stop.

My hands are now red-ish, and slightly itchy. A look online tells me that "my" chemo can have this potentially horrid side effect. Hoping it gets no worse than it is. Some get to the point they can't use their hands. Say what?! I would be in big trouble if things got that bad.

I am also potentially a month away from a trip. If I am gonna go, I got stuff that has got to get done. That is so easily said. But when I can barely move or stand, and haven't left the house, that is more than a bit problematic.

This trip can be only a shadow of the last one - if even that. I have considered going up and down the east coast in 2 hour increments. 

The last trip my average was 4 hours a day. There is no way I could see doing that now. Fact is, I am counting on being away from chemo to be enough to allow me the little bit I am wanting to plan.

I am also hoping I have the desire and energy to be out in the world, and hope not to find myself crawling from hotel bed to hotel bed. Outside of not making the trip itself, this is my greatest fear/concern at the moment.

The last trip was also wearing. Most nights I was somewhere new, which meant having to always figure out where I was spending the night. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is not the easiest thing to do if you want safe and clean and have budgetary concerns. I sometimes agonized, and other times just said, "what the hell?" The anguish and energy was just not worth it.

I had thought about going to one place, and just settling for a month. That idea sounded good, at first, but I could just not commit. Funny thing is it is sounding good to me again.

But maybe it isn't a good idea because maybe I will find myself never leaving there, the same way I never leave here. And that would seriously suck. Maybe having to get up and go will be a good thing for me, as long as I am not miserable in the process. 

I have ideas for this trip - at least one - that I'd like to share with you. I haven't because it is still cooking. Maybe I should start to talk about it, though, just to see what, if anything, may come of it.

I guess the fact that the trip feels quasi uncertain may also come into play. That, and the energy it would take to talk about, plan, and develop my idea which I just do not have at the moment.

As is all too usual, I am laying in bed as I write, and this is where I have spent the better part of the day. Maybe that has a lot to do with why I can't sleep here. This is where I am too busy living most of my life.

Oddly, perhaps, I am feeling pretty sleepy. I think I would appreciate these times more if I did not feel hijacked by them, or wonder if I give in if it will affect my ability to sleep tonight.

For someone who used to love late nights, I am now miserable. There is not much I can usually do, and I usually wind up feeling pretty sick, unable to do anything about it. I am very grateful in the morning when it is clear that sleep finally decided to show up. 

UGH.

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