Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Appearances


Every time I put up new pics i know how much goes into what you wind up seeing. Some of the ones I like the best involve make-up, a wig, lots and lots of pictures taken, several discarded pictures, different angles, different lighting, uploading to a program to filter it, many different ways, with many incarnations until "wallah" the photo you see. 

I tell people all the time that there are some really, really bad ones, but they don't believe me. They think that because I can get a really nice picture, I must be photogenic. You only have to view my Facebook images to tell that is not necessarily true. 

I have been tempted on occasion to post some of the really bad, but the thing that stops me is I don't want to tempt someone to use it in some even less than flattering way. Of course, no one ever should do that, but we know what can happen.

Maybe one day I will be bold. But I am not there yet, obviously.

The wig above is mainly blue with pink highlights. I will have to post something closer to the original so you can appreciate it. 

I am really tired today. Not sure if I should blame the rainy day, or something else. I have enjoyed yhe momentary distraction of the gift. 

I have often said I feel alone and unheard and lonely. I know that there are people who love and care about me. So much of what has gotten me through in the last year has come through their love and kindness. But, as you may realize, when something you value is missing, it is as though you don't really have it. And, in that stark moment, that is all that really matters.

It is at times difficult to share these aspects of my life. The more I reveal, the more I risk being judged. Earlier today I saw how someone posted how he wanted to raise the money to pay off the cafeteria bills of all of the students at a school. It was a remarkable thing he was choosing to do, but the one thing that stood out to me was that he did not care why there was a bill. He was going to pay off all the bills, if he could, without condition.

So often I think people see what happens in my life and judge whether or not I need the help, whether or not I seem sick enough. I think they question what I would use the money for. More than once a person has told me that people don't care what I use it for. They just want to help. But I don't necessarily believe that with the kinds of questions I am asked. 

I have also had people wanting to know who my doctor is, suggesting that they would pay the doctor directly. Obviously, they don't think things like gas or insurance or food should be something worthwhile to contribute to. There is more to a cancer situation than medical bills. You may not know, or realize it, but there are a lot of things you likely take for granted because you can do them and/or afford them. You may think nothing of spending over $5 for a Starbucks coffee. I wouldn't even be able to consider doing that, unless someone else treats.

That is why I appreciate those who occasionally treat me to something like a wig. There are times I would almost prefer the money for something more crucial. Hard to sometimes enjoy the fun stuff worried how I am going to pay for the necessities. But I realize it is an important part of my well-being, so I do what I can.

From a distance, a stranger is not going to know the hell I go through. They are not going to know the choices I need to, and do, make. They are are not going to know the ugly behind what superficially appears attractive - whether it is in how I look, or how my life looks.

Appearances certainly aren't everything, and can often be deceiving.

My Wish


Yesterday was 41414. I always find number stuff interesting. I also happened to notice when it was 12:34. Last night I saw the clock at 1:23 and then again at 2:34. Thankfully by 3:45 I was asleep. 

Many days I catch the clock at 11:11 or 12:12 or 1:11. All kinds of interesting patterns show up. it is fascinating to me how I just happen to catch those times.

Why am I mentioning it? I dunno. Because I can?

I am in an interesting state tonight. I am not sure what to make of it. The terribly overwhelming and dark feeling I had a couple of days ago seems to have retreated. It is like there is a void now. When it was around, I wasn't feeling like something was missing like I do at times like this. I am not sure if it is just an antsy feeling of not knowing what is coming next - or what? Whatever it is, that dark cloud engulfed it. Maybe that is why I used to stay in those kinds of feelings longer - it was company - familiar company.

I was getting ready to sign off for the night when I saw this:  http://thesouthern.com/special-section/cancer-is-a-political-disease/article_02fa92aa-de90-5b73-8533-c6141f7f14a7.html. In the article it states, 

"Your donation to ACS CAN help fund national and statewide programs to encourage candidates and lawmakers to fund research and provide access to quality health care, prevention, early detection, and treatment."

While I would say those were important things, I just rarely ever see a bigger call to action to directly the people - the individuals - affected by cancer. It is practically always about the disease. Let us give money to find a cure. Millions and millions of dollars are given and spent, and often with not much to show for it while many who deal with the illness have to deal with how their lives are impacted. The devastation of the cancer storm is sometimes worse than the illness itself. Ask anyone who has lived through a severe hurricane, "Which was worse, the storm or the aftermath?" there is a good chance they will tell you it was what came as a result of the storm over the storm itself.

I keep thinking it is because people don't have a clue. I would rather think that, than think that people are blantantly and willfully ignoring fellow human beings in need. I would really like to think that it is a matter of doing a better job of communicating the issues and concerns that are faced. Sadly, the environment is not conducive for people to feel safe to share. It is demeaning, degrading, demoralizing, embarrassing, and whole slew of adjectives that are anything but positive or complimentary. 

Maybe if people could speak the truth, others would learn, and in turn provide a more open heart and space to help. Of course, it would be beyond awesome if that open space came first. The problem is that we often suck when it comes to the things we either don't understand and/or think will never effect us or someone we care about. It doesn't matter what the issue is. It could be illness, homelessness, being a single parent, living an alternative lifestyle, being jobless. The list is endless.

I saw a video today that showed Pharell touched by the impact of his music, and in particular his "Happy" song. There was something about that that had me thinking about how I would love to be able to help make enough waves somehow that the effects reverberated far and wide and positively impacted the culture we have around cancer, and how those affected by it are treated. 

When the song was first released, apparently no one was really interested. According to him, his video came out, and then suddenly, there was an incredible awareness and impact. It is difficult to put yourself into something, and think that no one cares or is paying attention. In some ways, the fact that it is a work of heart is in some way rewarding enough. 

But. 

But there is something very special that happens when others "buy" into what you have said, or what you have done. I cannot tell you how much it means to me when I get unsolicited contact from someone who feels they need to reach out to tell me about the impact I have had on them. 

It is such an incredible gift. I would say and do what I say and do, regardless of what anyone does or doesn't do. It is something I need to do from my heart and my soul. It happens even when I don't want it to. It has to. But when I know that I have had a positive effect somehow, the feeling of connection is powerful and empowering. 

Why in the world would we be here with others, if we weren't meant to have these kinds of connections? I believe they are important. I also believe it is what had me feeling awesome on my trip. I was connecting with people in a way that is nearly impossible as I try to survive day-to-day.

So...

back to my wish. 

I got a bit off track. There is one more piece to that wish, and that is that I get the satisfaction of knowing that the impact has occurred while I am still living. I would love to have an impact any time, but if I am going to be appreciated for who I am and what I have done, I would rather it be while I am still very much alive. 

I have joked that I will be pissed if suddenly after I am gone I matter. I don't think that is really possible, but it speaks to how much I want to not only matter now, but be recognized for how I matter while it is happening.

It feels funny for me to say this. I would imagine some would think me arrogant, or who knows what else for saying this kind of thing. But, you know what, my guess is that I am not the first human to feel this way, nor will I be the last. I also don't think I am bringing perspective about something that isn't already somehow a part of who we are as humans. 

I love when I get to connect to the part in another that is me. Isn't that what we all want? As awesome as it would be at any time, it simply likely won't feel the same when I am dead. 

Or will it?

Who knows? But my wish is my wish. I want to be loved, and know I am loved, while I am still very much alive. And what better way to feel loved than to connect deeply with others? It is an incredible gift that being able to connect in a meaningful way gives us.

And with that, my brain is blinking, "Tired" and "Straining to make sense." I think I need to try to get some rest. The wayvI feel, I hope it means I will be asleep sooner rather than later. Sweet dreams when you get there. :)

Monday, April 14, 2014

Teaser: Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins (Recipes)

This will be the first recipe I will be updating my recipe booklet with. I have not posted an update yet, as I want to make several additions and changes before publishing updates, as they take some time and effort to create.

Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Banana Muffin
Recently someone was nice enough to offer professional formatting for the ebook. The problem is that it probably wouldn't allow me to continue to make on-going changes, as I have intended. Over time I also would love to add pictures, too. It will add up to a lot of time and effort, and I can't afford to wait until it is in "final form."

I guess there are trade-offs with everything. But the way that I am doing it does allow you to have free updates, so you will never miss a single recipe that winds up included - including this one. Even though the e-book may be in rough form visually, it has all you need.

I hope you will consider purchasing it and telling others to, too, as it will help me tremendously. (I am financially depleted from dealing with cancer the last two years. This blog will tell you all about what has been going on - probably more than you'd ever want to know. :P). They really are some of my favorites from over the years. 

I hope you will find it of interest and value at only $5.
You can purchase your copy (and get more info) here.


A Couple of Things to Keep in Mind

There are many times people show up with info for me about things I could or should do. Sometimes it is regarding a product, or someone who could potentially be helpful to me. I am grateful that people are thinking about me. 

However, here are some things that may not be evident:

1. It is not that I do not have ideas of things I want to do. It is not that there aren't practioners I would like to work with, supplements I would try. I do not have the funds. I am barely surviving financially right now. I can't do anything extra. I stopped Mistletoe treatments several months back because I was too stressed about the cost. I even had one particularly annoying, frustrating conversation with someone from a company with several products suggested to me by a homopathic doctor, also costing me money I did not have. I was explaining my dilemma. She, in turn, asked if I would use the products for free. It was a set-up to get me to sell their products to others. I certainly wouldn't mind telling others about it, but in terms of selling it, there were just so many reasons that was not going to work. Instead of hearing me, she kept trying to sell me.

2. It is not that I do not have ideas of things that I can do. I know a lot more about a lot more than most people realize. The problem I have is more one of energy and ability to do. There is just one me who struggles to do the things she does do. I can't seem to sleep at night. I wind up staying up to all hours of the morning, and do not even begin most days until after noon. My head doesn't work the way it used to, and the things I do often challenge me in a way that takes more of my limited energy than it would if I was functioning as I used to. I recently ended my radio show on W4CY because I could not only not afford it, I couldn't expend the kind of energy needed to get sponsors and guests the way I would have liked. So many things appear so simple. Even the things that are seemingly simple take more from us than we might realize - until we have little to nothing to give.

I have, on occasion, been able to make a trade for assistance. There are times people have been generous with me and their time and energies. It may seem I have the ability to do a lot more than I do because of that.

If you have an idea for me, feel free to share it. Maybe I won't have heard of it. At the same time, odds are good I probably have, and just can't afford to do it. At this point, if it didn't feel like a bad thing to do, I would probably try almost anything. I suspect many dealing with cancer might think the same way. The problem is that health insurance only pays for the mainstream stuff. There are times I wish I could take the money I use to pay my premium and use it on something else.

I am on the edge of my seat regarding Disability. I have been told I may hear nothing until the end of this month. When I do hear, it does not mean it will go through. Best case scenario I could receive 2 years of back payments, and on-going support. Worst case, I am denied, and need to continue to swim the legal channels to make something happen. In the middle, I could receive about a year's worth of payments, and on-going support.

I am, of course, hoping for the best possible outcome, as it will allow me to at least stop begging for help. It will also allow me to do more alternative things for myself. It won't solve my problem in totality, but it will give me room to breathe for a while. It will also help me switch out of Survival Mode and I will be better able to use that energy some other way.

I try not to, but there are sometimes I worry that being in Survival Mode is less than conducive for my survival.

If you want to help, and have any ideas, please keep the above in mind when contacting me. Sharing this blog is another way. You can also see other things here http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2014/03/about-mehow-you-can-help.html 

Thank you.


Saturday, April 12, 2014

My Drug

It has been suggested to me on more than one occasion that I escape what I feel through getting drunk or some sort of drug - legal, or otherwise.

I don't see the point. The problem will still be there when I get back. 

I have never been much of a drinker, but at my cousin's wedding I had 3 mixed drinks. It was not a good night for me, so I was pretty much "what the heck?"

The way it affected me was to make me sleepy and put me somewhere between indifferent and sad. I remember having what was a difficult conversation with my then boyfriend and thinking it would not be good if I fell asleep in the middle of it. 

I didn't. I also never again had that much to drink at any given time. 

My grandfather was an alcoholic, so maybe it is good that I never took to it. It just really never interested me.

I do have a drug, though, and it is food. It is quite the number. I haven't felt like eating today, but decided I should. I was feeling weak, lightheaded and even a bit nauseous. I suppose being upset on an empty stomach is not advisable.

Once I started to eat, I was doing it without thinking about it. I noticed that I was feeling numb, too. I went from not eating to wanting to eat a whole bunch of stuff - but not if it took any work. I even cooked something in the microwave - something I have not done in a very long time. I just didn't give a damn.

It is a good thing I don't have a bunch of crappy foods around. I would have probably inhaled them all and felt sick afterward.

I noticed that Avastin was having a depressing effect on me at some point. I  had so little interest in eating. So not me. I was even losing a few pounds because of it. As much as I wouldn't have minded, that certainly is not the way to do it.

Earlier today I was going to try to back to sleep. I was so tired, but I could not sleep. I wound up doing some hypnosis instead. 

When I got done, though, I still feel like I am struggling. I am not shaking this off as quickly as I would like. Other times I go to sleep at night after a breakdown, and the next morning I have felt awesome. 

But not today.

The Dump Truck

It is hard for me to function right now. Last night was one of the suckiest nights of my life. I sobbed so much my jaw and teeth and sinuses hurt. 

I am not totally clear on the source of the pain, but I am clear it is deeply embedded. It goes to the very core of me. It hurts like hell.

I wrote this right before I went to sleep: 

"It is not only the fact that "A" is uninterested in a relationship that has me feeling as I do. It's the fact that even if he was, I would find myself wondering if I was being selfish, not knowing what would happen. That also extends to anyone else who could conceivably be a prospect - of which there isn't any. That also extends to people in general. It is a rare person who wants any kind of relationship/interaction at this point. That is what devastates and hurts me at the core. It is what has my mouth and jaw hurt. It is what has my eyes be red and swollen. It is what had me in a desperate state tonight. I feel a bit better now than I did. Hopefully things will be better in the morning. The night has sucked."

I think that could be it. The problem is, what the hell do I do with it? There is no fixing it. It just is what it is, and it is a living hell that I have no way to escape, short of escaping life itself.

I found someone to talk to late last night. I was desperate. My mind was going some not so good places. It is really hard to be at a crisis point like that. A part of me doesn't want to reach out, but I know on some level pulling in when I feel a need to reach out is not a good idea. 

Last night I dreamt a rug was pulled out from underneath me, literally. It wasn't a swift movement. It was just little by little. I was having to constantly adjust as it was pulled. In the end, it was being rolled up and put in a corner. I think the place was being sold.

I also dreamt about being at a place, and outside there was a truck, kind of like a dump truck. It was parked horizontally over a few spaces. For some reason I went out to it, and pulled a lever of some sort. When I left the truck, it started to expand from the back. It expanded right into a white van, and a few other vehicles were damaged from the domino effect. And all I did was watch.

I found myself wondering if I did that - but somehow I knew I had. I wondered if I was going to get into trouble. Would there be video showing me in the truck? Why was I even there? Why did I do that? Why didn't I try to stop it? I couldn't explain any part of it. I also felt guilty.

Maybe it represented the junk that I had that expanded last night. It just kept getting bigger and bigger. I couldn't explain it. There was undoubtedly collaterol damage, as it couldn't have been easy for those I talked to. And I felt terrible for the stuff I was dumping when speaking with them. They had no idea what to say. At times they just witnessed my tears.

At one point I even said something about how grateful I was for those who could witness my sobs. They are very rare and precious.

A part of me wants to pull in and pull away right now. That feeling scares me. I am afraid that would mean I had given up, and figured there was no use in bothering to talk to anyone. It feels terrifying, actually.

So many think I am so damn strong. Well I feel anything but that right now. I think on some level it feels fraudulent to be perceived as strong. Even when it is unacknowledged, there is a part of me that knows about this side. It knows there is a desire to give up and run. If I was indeed strong, this part shouldn't exist, right? The appearance of things is just a cover-up, isn't it? 

The reality is that I just suck, right? After all, if I was more worthy people would pay more attention, and help more - wouldn't they?

This taps into every insecurity I have ever had. I do not think there is a single one left out.

As a child I always felt insecure about my looks. Because I was ugly and fat, that had to be why I wasn't popular. The irony is that people tell me I am beautiful these days, and I am still not popular. That means whatever holds people back from me is not my looks. It has to be something that much worse about me, right?

I kind of know better. This is just stuff I have dealt with over the years. It is rearing its ugly head again, probably because it was never fully dealt with and/or healed.

Now, with cancer in the picture, there is a new form of ugliness and deformity that no one wants to see. As a result, they don't see the me I am, if they see me at all. There are, however, a few who are at least willing to see me - all of me. It is probably what saves me on some level. We all want to be witnessed and accepted for who we are.

I do, though, feel like I am falling apart. I am now scared to get a scan again. If I feel anything like this then, I am afraid I won't be able to pick myself up if the news isn't good.

But then there is a part of me that would be quite happy...the part that is sad, frustrated and lonely. It is so exhausted. It could finally give up and give in. It would be done. What a relief that would be. No more pain. No more rejection. No more feeling isolated, alone, unloved and unloveable.

While I know logically that I am loved and cared about by some, there is something missing that has it not feel like enough. I find myself wondering if it could be self love. But that answer is all too easy.

And. I do not think it accurate. As much as I may connect with someone, there is a different quality of connection and expression at a certain level of relationship that you cannot have while you are alone.

Some people say you are born alone and die alone as a way of trying to be Ok in a space of being alone while in life. Well. It is not OK! And it shouldn't seem to be OK. We have something beautiful that is possible to access. It is something we want and aspire to - why in the world do we try to tell ourselves it is OK to be without? Probably as a way of trying to avoid the inevitable pain. The problem is it is only a superficial patch. It is only a game we play with ourselves.

Is it raining outside? It may depend on where you look. Look at the sky one way, and it could be sunny. Look at it another, and it could be dark and stormy. So which answer do you give? In some way, both answers are accurate/appropriate.

And yet, our insistence on certainty practically demands it be one or the other. At times the advantage will be to say it is stormy. At other times, the advantage will be to say it is sunny and wonderful.

Wherever we wind up standing, we may never see the other part. We may be so certain that all there is is rain because the   sun is farther away than we can see it.

This analogy makes it seem like it is simple to make a choice of what we will see and where we will stand. I am not sure about that, though, if things were that simple, we wouldn't have issues like this - ever.

Earlier today I received a message from someone not in a good place. Certainly not what I needed right now. I wound up telling her about my pain,and tried not to fix  anything for her. It helps when you aren't in such a good place for yourself; it prevents you from thinking you have all the answers.

I had written her quite some time ago, but for some reason, she wrote back when I was the lowest I have been in a while. I thought about not replying. But something told me to. I wondered if I was just talking to myself, if I was just reminding myself of the things I think I already "know." Was I telling her what I needed to hear?

I just saw she replied, grateful to me for my reply. She acknowledged me, too, for reaching out from my pain. I guess the timing is everything. Who knows what my reply would have been a week ago, but it would not have been from this extremely raw place I am in right now. For all I know, it is exactly where she needed me to be.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I am so tired. But somehow I do feel a bit better. This messed up mish mosh inside of me sucks. It is like the night and day trying to come to blows. They are at odds with one another, and yet, one doesn't stand a chance when the other one shows up to overtake it.

It seems to have sense of inevitabilty around it. Like it has to happen. That it will happen. It doesn't really help to know this, though. It rather sucks, actually.

What I do know, though, is that there is another side, and when I get there I won't truly understand the depths of the despair I had while here. It has happened before, so I imagine it can happen again.

I wish it was more of a comfort to know this, but it is not. I guess that is part of the "night" side. When you're there, you're immersed in it. The same probably goes for the day side - at least at times.

The day side though seems to have an easier time of entertaining its opposite. Maybe the day, the light, is more inclusive than the night. Or maybe in the dark, you just don't know what's there, if you can't see it. There could be all kinds of good stuff, it just is hidden and therefore much more difficult - if not impossible - to interact with. 

I hear in my head it is about trusting that even when you can't see it, you just know it is there. But that doesn't really work for me. Something could be right in front of you, but it is just the slightest bit out of your reach. What does it matter knowing it's there if you can't get to it and interact with it?

My eyes want to close. I think I have exhausted myself with all of the crying. I think I am going to go back to sleep for a bit. 

It feels like the clouds may be clearing a bit. 
 

The Pain Goes Too Deep

It's about 11:30 at night, and I just had a sandwich. I don't usually eat this late, but given that food is a coping mechanism for me, it was a logical choice given the amount of pain I likely want to numb.

For half a second I questioned the naming of this entry. Who is going to read about "Pain?" I would be willing to bet it will be one of my least read blog entries because so many only want the good. I post a beautiful picture of myself and it gets all kinds of likes and comments, but I post something less than positive, and there will be plenty of times all the post will get is silence.

I am kind of used to it by now. But it still bugs me.

I watched a movie today about a man who became a prisoner of his body after a massive stroke. He survived a few weeks in a coma, and when he came out he could not communicate easily. In time, he was able to communicate by blinking one of his eyes, but that was about it.

In one of the scenes there was a woman he was in a relationship with who called. She had not been to visit him because she wanted to remember him as he had been. She made some comment about him understanding. He told her that he waited for her to show up every day when she asked if he wanted her to visit.

Another scene showed the pain and anguish of his father being unable to interact with his son. He was in tears at the end of the call, and you could see him afterward, distraught.

I see things like this, and I know that there has to be pain for those who care about me. There has to be pain to see me in pain and to hear me upset with things that have no resolution. But that won't stop anyone from trying. I can't say I blame anyone for being however they are being. Sadly, I even made a comment to a cousin at my aunt's viewing last year about how maybe it was good I hadn't seen her in a while, as it allowed me to remember her the way she was.

I cringe when I think about that statement now.

I never stayed away purposely. It is just the way things went, but what I said and the meaning behind it still sucked. If I had known that my aunt wanted to see me - and I didn't see her - that might have been a very different story. It just "conveniently" worked out the way it did to minimize any discomfort I might have had in seeing the things she was going through and the changes in her body.

I am not sure why I am saying all of this in one collective breath. It is just very much what is on my mind tonight as I was sobbing earlier. I am not clear what it was exactly that had me feeling like I needed to, but I guess I am hoping to work it out as I type.

And, just as I typed that, the tears again, began.

I am in pain. Significant pain. I am distressed. I am worried. I am fearful. I am alone. I am lonely. I feel isolated. I am frustrated. I am wanting to crawl into a shell. I am wanting to scream from a mountaintop. I am wishing there were some arms I could bury myself in and feel safe.

I have been in a coping mode for a while now, and I am never sure how OK I really am until I am not. I am never really sure how OK I am until I hit a tipping point and topple over into oblivion. I don't seem to have smallish breakdowns, but devastating abyss ones.

When that happens, I know the pain goes too deep for it to just be about what it appears to be on the surface. But despite knowing that logically, it doesn't help. Times like this nothing and no one really can help. There really is no solution. There is really no right thing to say. There really is nothing that can help me understand anything any differently than the fact that I am awash in great pain and terrifying fear.

I cried with a friend on the phone tonight. Sobbed, really. The last time I risked doing that, the friend I did it with hasn't spoken with me since. Tonight's friend said how difficult it was to be where she stood. She also said she would still be around tomorrow.

So much of what I am feeling has tentacles in other things. What I am feeling emanates from something that happened with "A," but I am not sure that it has to do with him specifically. I think it has to do with relationship frustrations from over the years, from times of being hurt, only to open my heart again, to find a deeper layer and level and understanding of love, only to be hurt again, more deeply, only to muster up the courage to be open again, and have another round, deepening my understanding and taking me to a deeper place of pain.

There is also the part about the "c" word. Whether or not he wanted a relationship with me, I would question things because I question how much longer I can be here. In some ways it feels selfish to want to be with someone - especially if my time with them might not be long. True, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but logic has no place in an emotional breakdown. It is a sealant that has no ability to seal when it comes to these types of things.

Logic also tells me there are really good reasons we shouldn't have or be more. Logic tells me that if I love him, I need to allow him to go after whatever he feels he needs for his own best. "Allow" in the sense of how I deal with things internally. After all, if he feels strongly enough about things, there is nothing I can do to alter it. It becomes something I need to deal with within.

But the problem I face at the moment is that I think what is happening with him, or rather what is not, is tapping into my sheer terror about my situation. It is tapping into the potential immediate impermanence of my life. It is tapping into the bag of goodies that I put aside as I have been trying to cope with running out of money and the prospect of a significant surgery and possible death.

Recently I played with a green wig. I have been cooking and baking some, too. They have been ways I have been trying to cope. They have been distractions. Is it good that I have been distracted? I really don't know. Maybe survival is at least one part denial.

I say that in part because in the devastation I have felt tonight, there has been a part of me that sees no point in going on. Yes, it is extreme, and it scares me to feel that way. Is life worth abandoning over "1" thing?

The thing is, it isn't really "1" thing. It is many things. It is many, many things. Taken piecemeal I can tolerate them, but the problem is I don't always have the choice or ability to have them be piecemeal. When the moments of clumping happen, so does the feeling of devastation.

As always a part of me is reluctant to share this so publicly. I don't want anyone to try to fix anything. There is no answer. No right words. The fact is, as you likely are already aware, at times like this logic and solutions not only don't have a place, they are as annoying as hell.

If you want to help, pray for me, and send me good energy. It is what I need most right now, other than to allow myself to feel the array of emotions that are bubbling to the surface. I wonder if part of it is an open wound from when "A" abruptly stopped speaking with me. I am wondering if that was ever truly addressed and healed, or if I just thought it was. It feels unresolved to me, so I am guessing it is more the latter than the former.

I am tired of the mountains I have had to climb in my life. I am tired of having to work so hard, and feeling like I have nothing to show for it. It is exhausting always feeling like there is something wrong with me, or how I say or do things, and not fitting in. It is difficult feeling like I don't matter, or that I am invisible. It is difficult feeling ignored.

So many of the things I have felt over my life are bubbling to the surface. I have to imagine that is a good thing, but it freaking sucks. My head hurts. I am sad. I am depleted. I am anxious. I am so many things in the void that feels like my life right now.