Thursday, March 5, 2015

What a Day | Gratitude

I am grateful for those who stand by me, for those who are willing to converse with me, to those who are willing to ask questions, and get to know me. I am grateful for those who see what I am going through through whatever lens they have, and still see me fit as a person to support and help.

Whether strangers will ever believe it, or not, I am a good person, with a good heart. I am a person who would much rather help others and focus on them than have to call attention to myself.

I have often thought I have wanted to do something to help others. Many times - before cancer, and even now. Before I couldn't seem to get it together enough, never getting to the place to be able to do it. The heart was willing, but I just wasn't able to be "there" in other ways.

Then one day cancer showed up. I did what the doctors wanted me to do. Surgery. Chemo. I was considered "clear." I thought I could get on with life. I thought I could make a difference for others who were where I had been. I tried. I really did. I exerted what limited energy I had, and I tried to get out into the world, and meet people and network and see what I might be able to do.

The avenue to the place I wanted to go to wasn't clearly marked. It wasn't actually marked at all. Talking to many I got to see how few really, truly understood what dealing with cancer meant. It made me all the more determined to speak up. I didn't want to on one hand, but it felt really important on the other hand, and all over the rest of me.

At some point I had even suggested that I might offer a portion of my sales to an organization that helps those dealing with cancer. A person told me that I should take care of myself, first. Funny thing? I can't seem to even do that these days.

My time of being "cancer free" was short lived. For the better part of the last 3 years I have been dealing with cancer in some form, or fashion. Trying to live in the midst of what several consider is "dying" isn't easy, and is, in fact, many times all too difficult.

Life in this zone isn't clearly defined. It is one that lives more in the shadows than anywhere else. Many people don't talk about it because they know many will never understand, and have no interest in hearing about it. Those who talk about it either have to have a thick skin or a huge need, or a need/desire to help others as a result, or even all of the above.

This journey has had me question everything. I have always been one to ask questions, but before this it wasn't nearly as "in your face" as it is now. I didn't want to ruffle feathers then. I was much more careful how I said what I said than I am in the present.

A funny thing happened when the medicine fog I was in in the hospital started to clear after I was first diagnosed. I realized that I really didn't "give a f*ck." I realized how close I came to being no more, and I started to realize that if I had died around that time, would it really have mattered if I truly said how I felt?

Someone tried to talk "sense" to me at the time, but I really hoped that I wasn't going to temper myself too much once I went back to living life. It was a scary proposition. A very scary one. It was also one that felt more right than almost anything I ever felt was right.

Well. I went back to life, and found a whole new me. I started to be more open than I had ever been. It was emotional. It was hard beyond belief. I was scared. I also tip-toed at times. There were times I felt myself backing off of that feeling I had in the hospital. People and life's circumstances have a way of doing that to you. It becomes all too easy to care what others think, especially when they're thinking the "wrong" things about you, what you say, your motivations...

There have been times I have been tempted to back away. I have been tempted to silence myself, and it is not because I want to, but because I am exhausted by the energy it takes to interact with the stuff that comes as a result.

I verbalize these moments, and find that there are those who tell me please, don't do that. I think they see value in what can come from being who one is. I think they see value in authenticity, even when it is hideously ugly. I suspect many even want what I have for themselves. The "problem" is the goodie package that comes along with it.

If everyone could freely say what they thought and felt without the goodie bag, everyone I think would. But the ramifications of speaking one's mind brings all kinds of issues that it makes people feel safer silencing themselves and/or hiding. Most will never consider the cost of the silence. They don't really need to.

People like myself, though, have a wake-up call that calls attention and says, LOOK! Look at what it costs to be this way, and it costs a fortune. If you continue to be silent, it will cost you much more than you have. You can't afford it.

I will never have any regrets speaking out, and saying the things I do. Do I always do it perfectly? Not hardly. The one thing I have going for me is the fact that I am human. I know what that comes with, and it is hardly perfection. I used to feel ashamed of myself and what I felt. After all, if I couldn't share it openly and honestly, it had to be pretty bad, right?

Well. No. Not really. It was actually pretty OK. It is just that many people know that we play a game amongst ourselves. We try not to be anything that isn't in some way considered "acceptable." We try to be gray, middle of the road.

The problem comes when we recognize that most of us are not this public standard, but still try to act like they are. There is more than a personal cost. I think it costs us as a society as well when we try to put ourselves into these tiny boxes that never fit.

As frustrated as I get about things, I don't see myself going silent. As a matter of fact, the worse things seem to get, the more compelled I actually feel to say things. Maybe it is like that little kid that is ignored, and becomes more and more of a nuisance? I am not sure I like that analogy, as it seems more reactionary than I would like to think I am. And, yet, it is the stuff that is said to me, the reactions of others to me, and the whole experience that comes as a result of being as outspoken as I am that often gives me the things I wind up writing about and discussing. It compels me forward.

Despite the fact that all too many have refused to see that many times what I write is about a lot more than just me, the fact is that much of what I write is about way too many others - in some form, or fashion, any way, cancer, or not. And, unfortunately, refusing to acknowledge the existence of something doesn't nullify it the way many would certainly like it to.

I just wish I knew how to convey things in a way that they could be heard more universally. I am not sure that is possible. From what I have seen, though, is that there WILL be people who will understand and "get" me, and I imagine they are the ones that will care the most about what I have to say. But I will still try to speak to others. Maybe if what I say makes no sense now, it will mean something if they ever find themselves on the other side of their attitudes.

And then again, maybe not. But I don't write and speak and communicate with the intention of "converting" anyone. That would likely be one of the most futile tasks ever. Rather, I do it for myself first. I come from my heart and I do the best I can with what I got. Even if I tried to be something I wasn't, I would never be all things to all people. But at least this way I get to be "all things" to myself.

At least these days I have an inner peace I never had while trying to appear superficially altered, and the fact is, as annoyed and frustrated as I may get with others that I may not be able to change or affect, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

While it may often feel like I am in this place stark naked and alone, I know there are some of you who are here with me in spirit, and it helps. I know that the track I am on may not have heavy traffic, but at least I know I am not alone.

And I can't thank you enough for that.

PS Have you seen Patreon.com/jolope? If not, can you please check it out? Thanks.

God Will Provide

I am feeling very angry right now. One part of me is saying, "Don't do it." Another part of me wants to scream. In one comment in Facebook, a person plugged into soooo many triggers of mine. I feel like I have to let it out.

The other day someone said something about holding stuff in, and back, in the interest of "marketing." In other words, filter what I say so I do not piss people off, or make them uncomfortable. "Funny" how stating things that many know are likely "true" in some way can be such a problem. But it is. It is HUGE.

So...the one thing I want to address at the moment is the whole "God" thing. Do you realize how many times people tell me that God will provide when I talk about having a financial need? Their statement is a way of saying that I should just remain silent about my need, and trust that God will somehow magically provide.

There is a tale I have heard about a man in a flood. As the flood worsens, three people come along and he refuses their help, saying, "God will save me." He winds up dying, and when he gets to God, he asks him what happened. God says He sent three people, what did he want?

In other words, the guy didn't help himself when he could have. He did not utilize resources that were right in front of him.

Maybe my ability to communicate what is going on, and my expression of that need is exactly what I should be doing. How can people make the assumption that somehow God wants me to be quiet?! I think the whole "God" thing isn't always a God thing. I think it can be a human's thing - which uses God's name - that is really a need to control their circumstances, or another person - or their circumstances.

Anyone can believe whatever they want to about God. If your beliefs and perspective work for you, great. But before you assume that the things you believe, think, and think you know know should fit another, perhaps consider that there is more than one way to approach something. Consider that what another person is facing/dealing with is not the same as your thing, and maybe not even what you think it is, and that your go-to pre-fab answer isn't necessarily what another person needs or wants - or will fill their need. 

After all, I am fairly certain there have been times in your life that others have tried to overlay something on to you that just did not fit - for you, so I am pretty sure you know the kind of thing I am talking about. And it really sucked, didn't it?

Ugh. Ugh. Uggggghhhhh.

Ps speaking of need...want to be someone who God sends to help me? Consider patron.com/jolope Thank you.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Trying to be Productive

I am sitting at my computer, attempting to be productive. I am a bit annoyed with myself, as I went to scan a number of my doodles, only to realize after having scanned 20+ of them, I was making PDFs, and not image files. I guess the good thing is that I didn't get all the way through what is likely 60+ that way without realizing it. But still.

It is a struggle to do this kind of work any more. A big struggle. Not sure what the difference is. Although the having to think and focus part never mixes well with chemo.

I am sitting in a messy room. I should probably clean it while I feel a bit more like myself, and before chemo zaps me again, but energy-wise, I feel like I really just want to go back to bed. The fact that I am still sitting here is an accomplishment. I want to at least get through one book of doodles before I stop. Will I make it, I wonder as I glance over at the slowwww scanner.

So many, too many, things are going through my mind, and my body isn't happy. Constipation seems to be this chemo's friend. I haven't yet figured out how best to deal with it, and it can often make me quite miserable in the process.

I was thinking about the stuff that I have written about the last several years. In some ways, there really is nothing "new." Many times it feels like I am a broken record.

(...scanning Doodle 20...)

I added a badge today from the blog contest I had entered. They gave me a link to one that said "Top 10" (I finished #8). I was thinking about the woman who won. She had the backing of another woman dealing with breast cancer that won the contest last year. I don't know if that is the reason she won, but I am sure it certainly did not hurt.

In considering these things, I was thinking about how little attention ovarian cancer gets. I posted at some point a few statistics about these "sister" cancers. One of the statistics showed that the ratio of deaths to incidents of the illness for ovarian cancer is a lot higher than breast cancer. One of the reasons for this is likely to be the fact that ovarian cancer is often caught extremely late in the game.

As I think about anything I want to say, I think about how often things I say are construed in a way that I am "jealous." Am I jealous of the "appeal" of the breast cancer "appeal?" Not at all. It is difficult to convey something standing alone. We seem to understand things better when they are contrasted and compared with something else.

(...scanning Doodle 23....)

But when we compare things we can also be found lacking or wanting or jealous or...

In some way, that one woman played "Big Sister" to the other woman. Do I wish in some way there was someone who was "out there" in a big way when it comes to ovarian cancer who would pull me up in awareness, too? Why wouldn't I? I don't know if there is anyone. I have tried writing to a few celebs who have been known to be dealing with the illness, but have not had any sort of response.

It is so hard to know how to "play" this game. If I was on the "Other Side" of things, and wasn't dealing with cancer, it would be a lot different in some ways. Being in the midst of it, my voice is not only muted, and seemingly more biased (and maybe it IS more biased, who knows?), it is weaker from the standpoint that I have to pick where my energy goes. I can't always advocate for others when I am trying to survive myself. Plus, the waters get muddied when I do try to do that, and my voice and message get lost in what others assess about me in the process.

The woman who has been a voice in regard to breast cancer is dealing with Metastatic breast cancer. There is a lot of conversation I have noticed about those who are living with that label. The message is "don't forget about us." In thinking about it, I think there are a lot of "causes" that have a "don't forget about us" message in the background.

Whenever someone is dealing with something for any length of time it is probably all too easy for others to tune it out, or interact with it in a way that they think they know and understand more than they actually do.

Given how I am feeling at the moment, I think my body is "flirting" with depression. There is a part of me that thinks, "What's the point? Why bother? No body cares. No one's listening. Why bother saying anything? Does anything I say even make sense any way? Am I just babbling?" I am feeling very heavy, and a bit confused, too.

(...Trying to scan Doodle 27; dang scanner is hiccuping...)

I want to go to sleep so badly...

I am likely going to have to give in sooner than I want to, as I am getting annoyed. I actually have a bit of cleaning up to do downstairs from my earlier cooking. I try not to leave too much of a mess for when my friend gets home. During the day sometimes it can get a bit messy and out of control. When it is just me, it doesn't matter. But I try not to make too many issues/waves with him, given it's his house, and it's his courtesy that allows me to be here.

(...Doodle 29...)

PS have you seen Patreon.com/JoLoPe? Please take a look, if you haven't. Thank you.

Setbacks aren't permanent?

I saw something that said something to the effect that "setbacks aren't permanent." My reaction to that idea? Ha! What about a "setback" like cancer? For some there is no "coming back" from it.

I questioned what a setback was. I questioned what it would mean to have one. I questioned if the statement made could be accurate. I also thought about how difficult it can be to make statements that fit in all cases, in all circumstances, and for all people. Many times I recognize that my statements could be scrutinized, like I am scrutinizing this one.

It almost feels like a "gottcha." 

I think my "issue" with the idea is that we think all things are fixable. All things will resolve themselves for the better somehow. Things will be how we want them to be - rather than how they disappointingly are. And for those who believe this, it can be such an incredible disappointment to discover that things can't always be fixed or changed. It can cast a shadow on us, and have us feel not so great about ourselves.

I am really not sure about some of the stuff we tell ourselves. Sometimes it feels like a denial of "reality." Maybe sometimes denial is not a "bad" thing. But there are other times, well, let's just say, I am not so sure. I am also not so sure that a perceived "bad" reality is a "bad" thing, either.

PS Please check out Patreon.com/Jolope if you haven't yet. Thank you.

Monday, March 2, 2015

This Might Be A Question for You

If my hair wasn't already falling out from chemo, I might be pulling it out. My stress level just ratcheted up several notches, as I was just checking my bank account balance. I had made an intentional decision to lay off direct requests for help, as well as the "heavier" posts for a bit, knowing that it was not only not welcome, but also not likely helpful in any way.

I just decided to do it, and hold my breath. Maybe some sort of miracle would come. Maybe my Cedonaah work would start to sell. Maybe there would be a turn in the road, and I would be OK.

Instead, I am on the precipice of being out of money. I am in the midst of treatment, and despite appearances - not as functional as many might think. And I have been thinking that I wanted to write a post that I am not sure will do me any favors. At the same time, it feels like I should. It has been gnawing at me, actually.

Here is the thing: over and over and over and over I have asked for help. Even just $1 could have an incredible impact. I can't help but smile when someone hears me and sends $1. It means so much more than those who have an income will likely ever know.

Out of those who have likely seen my pleas, only a small percentage have actually taken some sort of action to help me financially. While no one is obligated to do so, it is slightly befuddling to me - and others - as to why not even $1 is forthcoming to someone who has this need. Surely people want to help someone dealing with cancer, right?

Add to this, I have extended many options that could help my cause, and perhaps offer something in return for the nod of support: GreatFoodEscape.com, SometimesitSuckstobeHuman.com, items on Facebook.com/Cedonaah, Relatingtocancer.com/mp3s.html.

I also set up a page on Patreon.com/Jolope, asking for support for the work that I do that so many tell me they appreciate. Just $1 per month. Usually at least one thing is valued during the month, whether it is my blog, a video, my Cedonaah work...asking $1 in exchange, that isn't so unreasonable, is it?

I also created magnets that people could use to fundraiser for me...but instead of it being, "I know someone who is dealing with cancer, and needs help. Look at this great magnet for a $1, can you help?" It has become something people feel awkwardly needs to be "sold," so it has gone no where fast.

And despite my myriad of ideas and attempted pursuits, silence is the biggest reception I receive, outside of crickets, when I dare ask for help financially. How do you pay your bills? With prayers of support? With cheerleading? Or with cold, hard cash? 

I need cash. 

I have said countless times I hate to ask. If I could make it in my own, you would hear nothing from me in this uncomfortable regard. But I can't seem to. So what am I supposed to do? I just really have no clue at this point.

No clue, other than to ask those who have ignored my pleas for even just a $1 why they have ignored me. It is an awful question, and it puts people on the spot. But, here is the thing...there are all kinds of reasons we do/don't do whatever is done/not done. Some are more about us than they are about the other person. Those that are about you are none of my business. 

But there are reasons that you may say have to do with me, and those I would want to know. I do not think I can change anything about me or my situation at this point, but if I knew there was a tweak I could make that could impact your willingness to help support me during this impossible time, it might just be worth it. 

In some way, I don't want to ask. Do you know how much unhelpful, unsolicited advice and opinion I get about what I should do, as if I was a person seeking to market a business, rather than "just" a person seeking to survive cancer? The fact that I am trying to help myself seems to muddy the waters, and yet if I just "sat back" and asked for help, is something many are critical of. MANY. 

Apparently, one is never supposed to ask for help. Are these single people who are on their own, without some sort of family/significant other support? I don't think so. Anyone in a situation like mine would be compelled to extend themselves into this uncomfortable place to be able to survive. 

It isn't exactly an ego boost to have to ask for "just a $1." I often feel like a beggar on the street. Had the weather cooperated before I began chemo, I was considering going onto the street with a sign, seeking attention/support. Did I want to do it? Hardly. But it is hard to know just what to do when you have tried to do as much as I have, and am undergoing treatment for cancer. 

So. If you are a person who has declined to act, I'd like to ask you if you will tell me why not. As I said previously, I'd only want an answer if it was something that had to do with me. I am particularly interested in your answer if you are a person who is generally interested in making a difference for others. I'd also be interested, if, in particular, you think my work is good, or that you think me a good person, or if you are someone who has said they care about me.

What is it about me/this situation that holds you back from helping to make a difference with even just a $1? 

FYI...for various reasons, I would prefer private replies. Thank you for any potential response, and for your time reading this.

Some are criticizing William Shatner for not being at the funeral of a dear friend he knew for about 50 years. Did it ever occur to any of these people that were being in judgment that maybe he didn't mind the conflict? Why does everyone have to grieve the same way? How would you feel losing someone that close that you knew for that long? It could be I am off base here. But, geez, people...regardless of circumstance, the man must be grieving. Why not leave him alone? What he does/doesn't do, is no one's business but his own.

I posted the above on Facebook yesterday. One of those who commented said she was always taught that going to the funeral was the last thing you could "do" for someone. That reason was the basis of why it was so important to go. 

It got me thinking about the many things others have told us, that we told ourselves as a result, and then readily passed it along as "fact." We do it a lot, and sometimes so seamlessly. We then expect that others will believe and do the same, that others should believe and do the same.

Maybe there are times what others do/don't do matters in a bigger sense, but I think we often wind up inserting ourselves where we do not belong. I realize it is a part of the Experience Human to do this, so it must serve a purpose of some sort, right?

Maybe life once depended on people coming together, and believing the same things. Maybe the perceived unity was integral to survival, itself.

I can't help but think things like reactions to William Shatner are more about the survival of ego, and looking good, or better than. And, if it is that, it is miles away from what is truly survival. But, in all   likelihood, it likely feels that important/urgent to those who feel compelled to speak up/judge - which is why situations can escalate, and get as negative as they do.

So many parts of life are not about the things we think they are. Reactions to William Shatner are likely much more personal than they are about him. For that matter, reactions to what I am writing are likely much more personal than they are about me.

People speak up many times because there is pain attached. Often it is unrecognized pain. Diverting the pain is a way not to deal with it, and it is even easier to deal with, when focused elsewhere/on someone else. But to admit it is to have to acknowledge the pain we are so desperate to avoid, so we can become even more offensive in our actions to defend the wall of protection we have created. 

Tell someone any of this who isn't able or willing to hear it, and they will likely not agree, and maybe even find something else to divert their attention to, further removing themselves from their pain. Pain sucks, so while this approach makes some sort of sense on one level, it  has the ability to cause all kinds of other pain in the process. 

Maybe there is nothing wrong to fix about  this. Maybe just having an awareness that it happens can help. Maybe there are times the judgments we have about things and people are "worse" than any belief we may have about what they do, or don't do.

I am just thinking out loud here. No one ever needs to agree with me. If what I write makes you pause for a moment, I wouldn't mind. :p I don't really know if what I am speculating is "right." Just like you, I am trying to find my way through this maze. 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Getting it Out.

I am laying in bed. My stomach is doing its very uncomfortable post-chemo routine. I really just want to go back to sleep, and probably will after I do a brain dump.

A few things are in my mind. Ironically, as I begin to write, they seem to be disappearing. Hopefully, like a dream that begins to fade, thet will find their way back as I write.

The biggest thing on my mind are the statuses of someone I follow on Facebook. Before I say much about them, I feel like I need to say something else. 

This person is not someone I know beyond Facebook. She is also not someone I would suspect reads my blog with any regularity - if at all. It might be ironic if I am wrong, or she happens to read this post.

I am not yet sure what I am going to say, but in my sharing how I feel it would not be my intention to in any way call her out, or make her uncomfortable. It is just that what she is doing is tuning into stuff that is affecting me, and I feel like it is something I want to share. On some level, need to share.

So...what is this about?

Her mother is dealing with cancer. As she shares about it, she says things like "chemo will shorten her life." She also emphatically posted about how her mother is going to die. 

Well. We are all going to die. I have said that many times, and many have even pointed that out to me. 

But, here is the thing: no one knows when any one of us are going to die. Doctors give predictions that many fail to meet. Accidents call to death to the seemingly healthy.

Most do not plan for death, and even those who do, don't always make it.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I did not want to tell many people; I did not want them to think I was going to die. It is likely to be the reaction many would have, as many have the equation cancer = death in their head. 

There are many things that people do say to me. I also realize, though, that there is likely to be a lot that isn't said...possibly like this woman's post.

And, quite frankly, it unnerves me to think that people think I am going to die.

The irony, of course, is that I could. Another irony is that because I do not talk about the stage I am in, or walk around saying that I am dying, I suspect prople think I am more OK than the docs think I am, or a "good PR approach" would advertise.

At one point, I had even told an astounded person that unconsciously I wondered if I wanted to be healed.  People don't seem to want to help me much while I am dealing with cancer, the minute they think I am cured, they see no reason I would not continue to need help.

They do not realize the on-going impact of cancer and treatment on my life.They do not realize the big mess my life has become. The do not realize how greatly impacted I am on many levels. I also do not help their perceptions by doing the best I can to appear, and be, as normsl as possible.

It is a paradox that I struggle with, so I can only imagine how it must be for those who struggle with what may, or may not, happen to me. There are those who put things off in relation to me as though tomorrow will always be there.

I certainly hope it will be. At the same time, I wonder how much urgency people do feel in regard to me and my situation when they don't interact with me for long periods of time. 

But that is how many of us "do life" in general. We live without the urgency. We live, caught up in many moments that probably should not matter as much as we think they should. 

I will admit that it stings when people prioritize certain things over me. I get that they are important, but what are these people going to do? Wait til I am dying to show up? Or worse, even miss that opportunity, and then say, "I should have..." Or "I didn't know it was that bad..." Or...any number of other things...

This, while I sit here doing my best to embrace what moments are left on my clock. It is very hard to feel the urgency of life while so many others are oblivious. It is hard to live in a world of planners when the best you can often do is just get through the day.

It may sound like I am being critical of the choices of others. I might be. I think I am being a bit selfish. There are things I want that others say I can't have by the choices they make. 

Think about it, though. What if you weren't sure tomorrow was a given? How would you feel if you had to wait for something that may or may not ever happen before you took your permanent voyage away from the people and things you know and love?

Your perspective would likely be a bit different than the one you have now. You might question your priorities. You might find yourself, or others, upset. Life has parameters, and very few like them to be ruffled.

We have to find a way to live, while we are dying. The game of pretend immortality is one we seem to play a lot of. It is one that seems to allow us to project ourselves into a future - which is only an illusion until we make it there, and it becomes our present.

We often hear "all we have is the present," but the meaning is lost in the noise of tomorrow's planning. It sounds good, but rarely is life implemented in such a way that shows we truly get the value of this moment.

Conversations like these stimulate defensive arguments for the things that we know; life as it is. Life experienced as the illusion is sometimes fought for more than the experience of life itself.

Nothing like the wake up call of something like cancer. The alarm is loud and incessant. It just so happens, though, that of those you know and interact with, you are the only one hearing it.  And, even if others did hear it, it would likely be that annoying car alarm they had no control over. They would just want to make it stop. It's not their car, nor their problem.  

Many times when I share the stuff I do, I think it comes across as unwanted noise, or as things that need to be fixed, or in cases where there is no fix, to be avoided.

We all have our own realities. We just do a much better job of dealing with them - and those around us - when perceived realities are aligned. 

But that is not always as helpful as we might like, and want, it to be. It often works, though, at least until the wheels fall off of our own reality, and we have no choice but to stop and question things and deal with them in their present terms and state, often hoping what is, and has happened, is only a temporary blip.

That is what I shot for when I was first diagnosed. Surgery, chemo for 6 months, and "back to life."

Well. It didn't happen. But a lot of other stuff did. Including "life." I didn't get to "go back." 

In many ways, I am grateful. In many ways, I am conflicted. In many ways I am different than I used to be, and different than others would want me to be. 

It would seem being different most of my life was good training for this part of my adventure. It is something I am all too used to. 

It still is uncomfortable, though, to be in this place. People would often rather think something is wrong with you than think something is right about the unique way you seem to view things.

As usual, I am all over the place. Hopefully I made some sense of things along the way. I am really tired, and mg eyes are wanting to close.

I would love to tie this up with a great summary, and a bow, but that just ain't gonna happen. :p But perhaps you got something out of this, any way?

I am just glad it is out of me.

Ps please consider $1 per month for Patreon.com/jolope if you appreciate my writing. Thank you.