Sunday, July 20, 2014

Update, of Sorts

Every part of me is not happy at the moment. I feel compelled to share things I don't want to share. Quite frankly, the only reason I am writing this is because I have asked, and continue to ask, for help.

If it wasn't for the fact that I needed help, what I am going to share would be no one's business, but mine. It really is no one's business, any way, quite frankly.

But, for various reasons, people think it is. I understand the logic behind it, but it makes it no less difficult to be the person feeling like she is in a corner.

Yesterday I shared a metaphor with someone about my experience. I feel like a flasher, exposing myself to people, and as exposed as I am, many choose to not pay attention, and keep going.

I do not want to be a flasher. Quite frankly, I want to bundle up. But the times I have seemed to get the most amount of help are the ones in which I am the most exposed, vulnerable, hurting.

But not always.

There are times I need help, and silence prevails.

I am constantly conflicted about how you perceive me and my situation. If I look, and sound good, and am not being treated, well, then I must be pretty OK, right?

If I look and sound the way I feel most days (tired, scared, irritable, unstable, pale, with hair loss, and so on...) then I give you an image to pity or cheerlead.

The fact is, all images of me, visual and otherwise, are me. Each and every one. We are all multi-dimensional and yet we try so desperately to put things into one dimension so we know how to label and interact with it.

It is something that likely has helped us to survive as a species, but it also is incredibly limiting, limited by our perceptions of the labels and boxes we choose.

This morning I keep thinking about how much it would be nice to be able to tell others how and what to think, and how much nicer still if they would listen.

But more times than not, people go wherever they go, and little, if anything, will stop them.

Why should I care what you think? I have gotten so much better at not caring, to the point that I have been called "mean." Am I truly being mean, or am I just at the point that I am clear about the things I feel, and unwilling to play games any more? Or is it the fact that I won't play the games inherently mean because that is the expected norm?

I have so many emotions and feelings right now that I just do not know what to do with. I have things I have yet to sort out or figure out, and the last thing I need is to add the stuff of others. But the need for help and interaction from others makes a commingling of sorts inevitable.

I have already been treated differently because of cancer and its stamp on every aspect of my life. Some of it has come from within, some of it has come from where others choose to go in relation to it.

Like much of life, it is nothing as simple as we would ever like, or at times pretend it to be.

One could possibly argue that what is is a creation of my own making, that I have created what has become my experience. While I cannot negate that idea in totality, my experience has shown me many of the prejudices the "living dead" face.

There are many aspects of a cancer situation that those diagnosed come to face that are remarkably similar because of how cancer is interacted with in the world-at-large. It is a stark and unwelcome reality that many dealing with it seem to be able to escape.

I got news this past week that I am not eligible for HIPEC surgery. How things got to the point that they have is more annoying than anything at the moment.

I do not feel up to explaining what happened, but found myself wondering how many people might make all kinds of assumptions about this turn of events from whether or not my situation is valid to what this means to my life and recovery.

On one hand, if I tell you how things really are, you might just want to help me; you might also think I am going to die. On the other hand, if I don't say much, then you may feel like I am fine, and feel no compelling reason to help.

Imagine, if you can, how awful a dilemma situations like this are for people. If they feed into your picture of cancer-death-dying, how must they feel, especially if they want to live.

How would you feel? Could you easily paint a picture of life and hope when you were painting a picture for others to potentially want to interact with sympathetically, and to offer some form of help?

The two images don't work together. For many who have no clue about cancer, there is a disconnect. The illness cancer needs to look a certain way.

Oddly, perhaps, for many cancer screams death, but there are many these days who get to "live" with cancer, creating the idea that cancer is able to be treated and survived. As a result, some barely blink with a diagnosis.

A woman I met at some point had been treated with chemo for 5 years. Those around her seemed to appreciate it. She looked amazing for what she had been through, but I could tell she was weary.

There is so much to dealing with cancer that is difficult to comprehend in the existing culture. Those who wind up understanding it the most are those who are indoctrinated into The Club. A close second could be the people closest to them, but I have found that even they won't always be able to understand what is really happening, and will at times have their own ideas of how things are or should be.

I need help. At this point I need help more than ever, as I need to explore options outside of the medical norm. I have barely been able to pay bills, and the idea of adding $300-$400 a month in alternatives just is not feasible.

I hate to think that my ability to keep living would come down to this, but it just might. I really do not want to leave this life any time soon, but I have considered that I might not have much of a choice.

For months now I have tried everything I can think of to help myself. Despite being in treatment and having surgery and dealing with all kinds of issues, I have tried to find ways to sustain myself, and have hit all kinds of blocks.

I don't know how much more I can do. I broke down into tears one day this past week. No one should have to struggle for survival on so many levels.

I wish money wasn't an issue, much less such a significant one, but it is, and while I have to focus on getting money, I am unable to focus on what I need to to get well.

Is this how my story is going to end? I certainly hope not, but I just don't know how I can survive without being able to interact with the world in a way that can sustain me in all of the basic, human ways.

It is easier to deny or ignore things when you aren't enmeshed in them. Odds are you can't identify with what I am talking about, and I hope you never will.

At the same time, my reality is a reality of all too many others that is all too often denied. I do not know if the words I say will ever make any impactful changes, but for as long as I can speak up, I will.

I may very well die trying.

PS if you'd like to help, please see previous blog entry about my book and the entry below, too...Thanks!

http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2014/03/about-mehow-you-can-help.html

Friday, July 18, 2014

Sometimes it Sucks to be Human

Hello, and Welcome!

My first book, Sometimes it Sucks to be Human is ready to be released, in Draft Form. While I would have loved to have a final version to share at this time, it involves more work than is possible at the moment. In addition, I would love to have a print version for sale, but I would not only need the final version to make that happen, but also the funds to create one. The good news is that is my ultimate intention, however it will possibly take a time to make that happen.

If you are interested in reading my book, I hope that will not stop you from acting on getting an electronic, PDF copy at this time. With your purchase, you will be able to receive free PDF updates as they become available.

I am doing things this way out of urgency. My financial situation is desperate, having dealt with ovarian cancer and the effects of treatment the last two-plus years. So many times, too, we hold back on doing things because they aren't in that perfect, end stage. I did not want that to happen. Quite frankly, I could not afford to have that happen.

Tomorrow is an assumption that we make that may never be given to us. Among other things, I thought it might be interesting for some to see "behind the curtain." So often the standards that we subscribe to are polished gems that started out as anything but that. But while we think that the perceived standard is what was started with, we can often feel stymied in making our own progress.

To follow is information that will tell you what you may need, or like to know, as well as some options you can exercise if you would like to buy the e-book. You can choose an amount to pay for the book alone, or you can choose an option that gives you a few things in exchange for your purchase.

My hope is that it all makes sense. If you have any questions about it, please feel free to ask.

Sometimes it Sucks to be Human

Thank you for jumping into the middle of my story. Someone once told me that I could not write "my story" in dealing with cancer. Apparently there are already too many of those.

The fact is that my story with cancer is really My Story - with cancer. There is a big difference. My story is really about LIFE and LIVING, about the things that have happened in my life that countless people have found fascinating enough to ask me when I was going to write a book.

Well. For better or worse, here is "a" book. It was written during a relatively short time in my life, but talks about many different parts and aspects of my life. It is about so much more than the "c" word.

It is about pain, fear and love. It is about relationships. It is about aspects of life that make life worth living, and it is about aspects that are times when it sucks to be human.

To read the first 20 pages, and to get a feel of the book and writing style, please click here, JoLoPe.com/pdf/book-sample-sometimesitsucks.pdf

To Donate please choose amount below. 
You will be able to get all PDF updates 
for free as they become available.

**THE BOOK IS A LARGE FILE (75K+ words), and
Paypal will take you directly to download the PDF. 

Please be patient for the download to begin.**

Choose Donation Amount
You will be able to read the book on your Nook, 
and on any device that allows for PDF documents.

If you would like a gift in exchange, I am working on getting the pages together to allow for that to happen automatically. In the meantime, I will list what the levels will be, and if you'd like to take advantage of the gifts offered at a specific level in the meantime, please choose your donation amount, and email me at my Paypal address, and let me know that you'd like to redeem what is offered at that level.

While I would like everything to go smoothly, my guess is there will be blips. I am still having foggy issues due to chemo treatment, and will be administrating this mostly by myself at the moment. I am still actively dealing with issues around the cancer diagnosis. Even creating this page has been a challenge, so please understand that there may be some hiccups.

Ideally each level will have its own Buy Now button and administration, but until I can make that happen, the above "BUY NOW" will serve that purpose. If you would like to redeem the items at a level listed, PLEASE BE SURE TO EMAIL ME and let me know that is what you would like to do, and we will make the appropriate arrangements. If you do not email me separately, I will take it to mean that you are uninterested in a reciprocal gift. If you do not hear a response from your email, please assume that I did not get it, and follow up with me again.

Above all, please be patient. This is an ambitious undertaking for me at this time, and I am going to to my best to have things run as smoothly as possible. My apologies in advance for any problems or issues. I am going to to the best I can with any redemptions.

So...

To be clear, unless I hear from you after your purchase, you will NOT receive any of the following for your donation. To receive any of the following, you will need to send your payment and then contact me separately at my Paypal address to redeem the items being offered.

Your patience and understanding is appreciated. I am greatly challenged at the moment, and will do the best I can to make everything right.

Thank you for for your interest, and for helping me get the word out. A few early comments have been positive, so I am hoping the trend will continue, and that you will find what I have written to be of interest and valuable in some way.

The following levels are available. Please just be sure to contact me separately to make arrangements to redeem. The print will need to be mailed. All others items will be delivered electronically. The book will be delivered with your payment, all other items will come separately, and upon request ONLY.

$10
Sometimes it Sucks to be Human Ebook (free PDF updates)+Recipe Ebook+Pure Love:The Gift MP3

$25

1 Cedonaah Heart Print 8x10+Sometimes it Sucks to be Human Ebook (free PDF updates)+ Recipe Ebook+Pure Love:The Gift MP3

$35
2 Cedonaah Heart Prints 8x10+Sometimes it Sucks to be Human Ebook (free PDF updates)+ Recipe Ebook+Pure Love:The Gift MP3

$50 (or higher)
Sherri Robbins Good and Plenty Album (via MP3s)+2 Cedonaah Heart Prints 8x10+Sometimes it Sucks to be Human Ebook (free PDF updates)+ Recipe Ebook+Pure Love:The Gift MP3

Thank you so much for your assistance in any way you feel you can help, even if it is "just" to get the word out. You can find me on Facebook at Facebook.com/JoLoPe, or comment below, or contact me via my contact info here http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2013/02/contact-me.html.

Thank you for your support.

PS If you have read it, please feel free to share your thoughts and comments on it below, as it may help others to decide if they would be interested in reading it as well. While I would love for all comments to be wonderful and supportive, your perspective is valued, so please feel free to share your perspective, as long as it is honest and respectful. I would also appreciate if you would also consider the context of the work and its status within your range of comments. Thanks.



Sunday, July 13, 2014

Ideas?

Hello.

I am trying to come up with ideas to raise funds. I am likely going to be having HIPEC Surgery within the next 3-4-5 weeks, and am nervous about my financial situation. I may not be able to do much for a while, so I am trying to come up with an idea that can help me past this significant pothole.

I have thought about offering some of my Cedonaah.com prints as something in exchange for a donation, and thought if there were any virtual products anyone might want to offer to sweeten the pot, it would be great. It could be discount offers, or freebies. Ideally it would be something you would/could offer to several people. I'd love to put a package of items together for a certain - yet undetermined - donation level. 

I am thinking of using images that are of Peace and Love, so any tie-ins with a theme like that would be good.

I realize this may be asking a lot, but with interested parties, there are always ways to make things work, aren't there? 

In exchange, I can make videos talking about those who contribute, and include info on this blog about the product/person/site. This blog has nearly 50,000 views, and I have over 250 videos on my YouTube channel (GotStressGetRelief.com). I also have over 5,000 followers on Twitter.

Since time is of the essence, please let me know if you have a desire to help me create something. I will need things that are easy to share electronically, as I am uncertain about the prospect of having to manage the fulfillment of another's physical products.

I realize this may not be the most eloquently worded request, nor the best, but given what I am feeling, and all that is going on, I would appreciate your compassion and understanding.

If you are unfamiliar with me, and my situation, and want to know more, this blog can tell you a lot. 

In short, I have been unemployed and not working, dealing with ovarian cancer for 2+ years. I have an opportunity for major surgery that should be a help, but will likely incapacitate me for a significant length of time.

There is so much to my situation that cannot be conveyed easily and clearly in a few sentences, nor in a blog entry.

In very short, I need help. Desperately. 

If you can contribute in some way, please let me know.

Thank you.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

It Sucks to Be Human

Well. I am about 1600 off of my goal of 70,000 words for my book. I am closing in. I have been pushing myself very hard these last few days because I am up against the clock. I will be meeting with surgeons to see if I am eligible for surgery, or if I need to go through more chemo.

If surgery is soon, it will likely be in the next couple of weeks. If not, I will not be all that great for the next couple of weeks, as I get chemo. I am not sure how long after I would get surgery, but I am hoping 4-6 weeks, and only 2 more treatments will get me there.

There is a lot to do before then. I did not get nearly enough done now. It really sucks. But at least the book is near an interim Finish Line. I say it like that because it won't be the final, looks purdy draft when I release it. I don't have that luxury. In time, hopefully. But I can't go through everything I need to get there as soon as I need to. It's a whole lotta work!

So my plan is to release it as is, and sell it for just a small amount of money. I may try to incorporate other options like my recipe booklet or some Cedonaah prints, or something to try to make the pot a bit sweeter. (If you read this, and might want to contribute something for that purpose, please let me know.)

It may not be the most perfect book, but at least the content will be there, and hopefully that - and helping a person in need - will be what counts. Fingers, toes and eyes crossed any way.

The book is called Sometimes...It Sucks to Be Human.

I haven't figured out how to encapsulate it in just a sentence or two yet. I need a different brain, and energy to do that. Maybe someone will help me with it at some point. However, if you want to know what it is about, perhaps this will help:

Thank you for jumping into the middle of my story. Someone once told me that I could not write “my story” in dealing with cancer…apparently there are already too many of those.

The fact is that my story with cancer is really My Story – with cancer. There is a big difference. My story is really about LIFE and LIVING, about the things that have happened in my life that countless people have found fascinating enough to ask me when I was going to write a book.

Well. For better or worse, here is “a” book. It was written during a relatively short time in my life, but talks about many different parts and aspects of my life. It is about so much more than the “c” word.

My story is a human story. It is about pain, fear and love. It is about relationships. It is about aspects of life that make life worth living, and it is about aspects that are times when it sucks to be human.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I am hoping to release it within the next couple of weeks. Not sure yet how I will end it, or when I will reach that 70K mark. If chemo starts again any time soon, it might be longer than I like. The other option will be to stop just shy of the goal, too, if I start to run out of time.

I feel like I am running a race. Problem is I do not know exactly where the Finish Line is.

When it is released, I would appreciate any assistance in getting the word out, and sparking interest. Obviously if you read it and hate it, I won't expect you to say wonderful things about it. If, though, you enjoy my writing, and my past blog posts, and are human, my hunch is the book will be of interest.

Thank you for anything you can and are willing to do. I am really concerned about what happens next. Financially I am managing to bob just over the waterline, but it comes from staying verbal about my situation. There is a good chance I won't be able to say or do much when surgery rolls around...maybe even out of commission for a month, or more.

I am nervous about the surgery, as it is a long surgery, a serious surgery, and also a risky surgery. Some people never make it out of surgery or the hospital. I feel like it will be OK, but it still rattles my nerves, on top of everything else I am dealing with.

If you can help, please, please do. If you're not sure how, but want to, please contact me ASAP, and we will see if we can work anything out together.

Thank you.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

What Would You Do?

What would you do if someone you cared about was dealing with cancer, and was financially strapped, and running out of money?

What would you do if that person was you?

Keep in mind that there are relative few organizations that actually financially help an individual. Also keep in mind that Disability is a bear to get, and in some cases a burden to have.

Imagine you have products you could sell - provided you could find an audience. But it often seems people avoid you, quite possibly because they're avoiding "cancer."

Imagine the discomfort many have around the word "Money."

Imagine the potential skepticism of those who think any plea is a scam.

Imagine many imagining that others will help, so why should they?

Imagine some judging your need to not be as great as you say.

Imagine others need "help," too, so they're reluctant to help in any way - even though even $1 would count.

Imagine you've asked, and even literally begged, for help for months already.

Imagine there have been those who say they will help, but never deliver. How can you ask for a "gift" when they just proceed to ignore you or the fact that they ever offered anything.

Imagine how difficult it is to be in treatment, and barely able to get out of bed most days.

Imagine that very few understand the nature of what you are dealing with, and more often than not if there is help, it only comes when you are at your worst.

Imagine even those closest to you uncomfortable asking for help on your behalf.

Imagine spectators watching, and occasionally cheerleading, telling you to fight...

Imagine having uncertainty about where you might be living, having an inability to make an income, not having a job, no one to lean on financially, no partner for support, no kids, and no incredible story to market to the masses, having bills to pay, food to buy, and needing to survive, but feeling helpless to do so.

What in the world would you do?

I have tried so many different things, and I am running out of energy, ideas and even hope. Everyone tells me I gotta have hope. I gotta fight.

For what?

I am really scared by the way things are looking. There have been times I have just thought to give up. I don't even have to do anything to end it all; cancer would take care of it for me.

I can't handle all of the many aspects of survival simultaneously. I just can't. I get badgered by people who mean well. I sleep a lot. I try to do what I can to "advertise" and support myself. I ask for help.

If I could at least stop worrying about money, I could focus what energy I have on doing what I can to get better in other ways. The stress can not be helping.

I have tried over and over and over andover  with 250+ videos and over 1000 blog entries and posts and pictures to convey my situation in a way that others might have compassion and help. I often feel that I am "marketing my illness," but not, apparently very well.

How would you feel if you had to "market" your illness to survive?

I never wanted to be so public. Never. Ever. Every step has been awkward, uncomfortable, sometimes misunderstood and/or misjudged. 

Many will never say anything publicly for concern for these types if ramifications. I imagine some are fairly desperate, too, but there are others who may have family or friends or a community of great support and willingness to help. Unfortunately, I don't. Unfortunately I need to ask for the kindness of strangers, and hope they have a part if them that can identify with some part if who I am, or my need.

Believe me when I say I would so rather not ask. If I stop asking, one of two things is most likely to have occurred: by some miracle, I got a large influx of money that allows me to, or two, I have given up.

I feel like I walk dangerously close to the line, but I really hope it can ultimately be the former, and not the latter.

If you can help in any way, please do. If you are willing to ask for help on my behalf, even $1s can add up. I have Mp3s I sell, and prints, and can even offer myself as a hypnotist. I need help getting money, and I am not adverse to trying to find ways to make it.

I am also in the process of writing a book. Instead of writing here, I have been writing privately, and hope to have something to publish soon. If you could help me promote it and/or share about it, or would be interested in a copy, that would be good to know. I'd also be willing to talk to organizations and groups that might be willing to use my Cedonaah work for a fundraiser for themselves.

Please contact me if you can help in sny way. If you are willing to donate financially, or would like to see the work I sell, please go here:
http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2014/03/about-mehow-you-can-help.html?

I need to update it, as my situation had changed, and I am currently undergoing treatment with the intent to do surgery.

If you want to help, but need more info, please ask. Dealing with cancer is one of the worst things ever - on every and any level. I wish it on no one. At the same time, those who can avoid it, do, and so few truly understand how horrendous it really is.

Knowing all of this...what would you do?

Thank you for reading. 

Friday, June 20, 2014

The Experts - A Poem

The Experts will tell you 
where to pay 
your attention
They'll tell you when 
you are beyond all redemption
The experts will 
tell you what you need. 
Best to 
take heed.
$500? 
A bargain for their
$5k golden steed. 
Inflation of their price 
inflates your ego
Where do you 
go for answers?
Anywhere but within
There is cause for 
doubt 
fear 
concern
it is those things that 
has you in your life 
remain willing to listen 
to what others 
say they know 
instead of what 
you do 
know
feel 
believe. 
Scorned are those 
who dare to question 
and speak their mind. 
An independent 
thought becomes 
harder to find. 
Walking 
through the mind 
is a 
land 
often 
undefined. 
Others will tell you 
they know 
more and better
what you need. 
Is that
your 
chosen 
creed?

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Explosive Silence

It is barely past midnight, and I am laying in bed, sick to my stomach. My body, which barely felt like cancer only days ago; now feels so ill from the treatment that is supposed to ultimately help me.

I have had entirely too many ginger ales and am not eating well, as I can barely stand the idea of eating. Tonight I drank something called Recharge. It is a drink that helps with electrolytes. At about $3 per bottle it is bit of a hefty investment for someone teetering on the financial edge.

I was running out of money before embarking on this chemo adventure a second time, and now I hold my breath as I spend the funds necessary to get to treatment, and supplement treatment so that I do not have issues like Neuropathy - which is significant, and potentially severe, nerve damage.

On a more minor scale, I run the risk of being hairless once again. It almost seems like no big deal now, compared to the other possibilities, including hearing loss.

For two years now I have been sharing about my experience. The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. 

There likely seems to be much more of the latter two thirds than the first third, given the way my life has deteriorated. I do not have resources available to help. Many cancer organizations do not help the individuals affected by cancer. Look it up for yourself, and you will see.

Combine that with the fact that many organizations that help those with cancer have specific parameters defined by type of cancer, age, sex of patient, where the person lives, and the seemingly abundant options for help are nearly non-existent.

Add to the mix the fact that someone doesn't fit the pre-described societal mould, and there is no safety net of help and support. It is one thing to have a big, supportive family - whether blood related or community related through a job, or through one's kids. 

It is another to have a family unable to help financially, and often more challenging than helpful. Just because someone is related, it does not mean they know any better how to cope with the mess that cancer brings on. It does not have magical abilities to build where there is little or nothing.

I have worked for myself for years. That leaves me outside of any perceived benefit of a work environment and co-workers. If I had only known about cancer insurance, or had gotten a large life insurance policy, I might not be standing where I am now. I learned about options only after they no longer were available to me.

Poor management? Hard to know what you don't know until you don't know it and are at its mercy. It is so easy to judge standing outside the situation.

I never wanted to be so open about my life and circumstances. Pre-cancer you would never have heard me talk about the things I do, or talk in the way I do. 

Privacy was very important to me. So many times I cringe being as open as I am. And as open as I am, for some it would seem it is not enough. I, of course, am meant to understand why people expect what they do from me.

Perhaps I do. But that does not mean I am OK with it. 

In the last couple of weeks I broke down in a big way. I got to a point that I scared the person I was with. I could barely breathe, and I was coughing a lot, and probably cried the better part of 3 hours.

I am terrified when I allow myself to acknowledge that fact. Absolutely terrified.

My life is certainly one consideration. But so is the quality of the life I have left. 

As a child, I used to wonder what life would be like without a sense. If I couldn't have one, which one would it be? I do not think I was ever willing to forfeit hearing. If anything, my guess would be that it was sense of smell. 

I am such a sensual person, and the idea of not being able to communicate with people audibly bothers me so much, and the idea that I could not hear the voice of someone I love devastates me at the core.

Can it be it would be no "big" deal? Can it be that life itself is worth the potential risk/trade-off? I do not know how anyone could really know that.

I am terrified that there is no easy solution right now, and that the path seems riddled with land mines. Life. At what cost?

I started chemo on Friday, and I have barely made it out of bed. Initially I was going to share what was going in because I hadn't at this early point the first go round. 

Add to that fact that I still desperately need help, and I was reluctant to go/remain silent. Even at the times I make the most noise, the amount of assistance I receive has been minimal.

Yes. It has been enough to get me to this point, but I have a bigger journey to take at this point, and I have no idea how I am going to make it. A part of me questions my choice to do chemo, and I am definitely second-guessing my decision. 

It is not like taking a cold medicine and waking up fine in the morning. Instead, it would be like taking one only to find oneself in some way permanently incapacitated in the morning.

Such big questions I am asking at the moment. I had kind of decided to pull back, and be publicly silent, and write the book I know I am meant to write. And yet, here I am, writing publicly and openly about where I am. 

Why do I want people to know? Do I need my pain witnessed? Do I need the help so desperately? Is it more of a release for me? If money did not matter, how would that change anything, if anything?

If money did not matter, I think I would travel and go live life. I think I would do all I could to fully live, and if cancer came along, so be it. Living a life feeling this miserable feels like death to me. A big cloud showed up when chemo did, and I do not know how to cope with the heaviness - despite the myriad of things I have tried to do to help myself in other ways.

On some level, I wonder who might bother to read these words. I also wonder who will not only read them, but in some way feel affected. I wonder who will not only feel affected, but be willing to act on another's behalf - or even on my behalf.

Another part of me just doesn't give a damn. I am tired. I really am exhausted. I do not know how I can traverse this path, as depleted as I am.

It is not that no one cares, or that no one helps, but in the midst of the drop off, it surely feels that way as people stand around feeling helpless to help. 

It doesn't elude me that there may be some "lesson" in this for me, but you try to be burning up in a fire and be enthusiastic - or even mindful - of a potential, freaking lesson.

It does not work.

I do not know who this post is for. I need help. It is the song I have been singing for months. While some offer alternative treatments, many cost money and/or do not work in conjunction with chemo. As much as I appreciate them, it isn't helpful at this point unless it is free or I have some access to them through someone's generosity.

I need financial help more than anything. It sucks to say, and it sucks even more for it to be my reality. Every $1 helps.I have said it many times, and I mean it. I wish there was a way to convey how much it really means. It is kind of like those few raindrops in the dry desert. 

They matter.

What you can do matters. It sometimes pisses me off when people say they can't help. More often than not, it is likely they just don't want to, or can't be bothered, or somehow judge their effort as insignificant. Of course, though, I am supposed to smile, and be Ok with it, and understand.

I do, but I don't. This experience has forever changed me and how I interact with those who have a need - whether I can understand or appreciate it, or not.

It is the worst feeling in the world to know what is possible, and feel it slipping away.