Barely

In the last month, I have been in the hospital about 3 weeks; divided by 3 differerent visits.  I am fatigued like I have never been before for several reasons.

Some reasons you may know, others maybe not. I have been wanting to write anout everything, but just haven't had it in me.

A part of me feels like it has given up. This isn't just something I have noticed, others have, too. I have been asked my reason to live, and have come up empty. All I am doing is strugglingto live/survive.

I have been told to "live," but when mostly all my body wants to do is sleep, and other not so great things are going on, the idea of that is more torturous than liberating or helpful or affirming. 

I went to the grocery store yesterday, and it knocked me out. The limitations have made me sad. They've also frustrated me.   

It seems almost silly to write about anything at this point. I released a friendship of sorts the other day because it couldn't be more clear there was no understanding or empathy for me/my situation. That alone was bad enough. But any time I tried to explain how I felt, I was accused of "drama."

I do not need that. I could possibly deal without the support, but having someone further kick the legs out from underneath me does not work. 

I realize the person may not be able to handle facing what I face, but I am not in a position to handle that right now. I can barely handle it myself.

I can barely handle anything right now.

Watching is not the same

You may work at a gas station, and watch people run out of gas. You may watch their reactions. You may think you   understand how others in that situation feel. 

Odds are, most have no clue, and you thinkinging you do only removes you from  oossibility of truly understanding, and keeps you from allowing and appreciating what another experiences - defaulting to what you rather see for another rather than what their reality truly is.

My laying in bed is nothing more than my ability to barely move. It isn't laziness or sadness,or...any number of other seemingly negative connotations.  

Just beause i am out of the hospital without a scar, ir does not mean I am ok. I wish more people could unswerstand thst.