Today has been a rough day. I am exhausted. I am not sure why, other than perhaps the emotions I am feeling. I was sobbing earlier today.
I am trying to do so many things. The advice most give me when I express that fact is simply "not to." I wish it was that simple.
Perhaps if I wasn't stressing about money it wouldn't be so bad, but I am desperate to make something happen financially. It is partly what drives me. If I think about it, another part might be the small thing called "death."
I wanted to even do more today, but I just can't. I sat down to paint, but really didn't want to. If I had listened to how I felt, I wouldn't have. The result was what felt like a freaking mess. I got so frustrated at one point, I just dropped paint on the canvas. Interestingly as I just typed "paint," I almost typo'd "pain."
Maybe that is just what I was doing. I was dropping my pain on to the canvas. In the end the work isn't terrible, but like one I did perhaps a week ago, I am not sure what I think. I just couldn't get it to be much different than it turned out. It was as if I needed to go over and over and over it again, perhaps as a way of releasing what I felt.
I don't really know if that is what happened, but what I do know is that I wanted to just give up at one point. I was just going to surrender to the mess and call it the day's work. But I didn't. I kept going like I often do until it "told" me it was done. I still think it is quite the mess, but just a different one.
I never imagined this is why I decided to paint. But the more I paint, and the more experiences I have with it, the more I suspect it is exactly why I am doing it.
I am not sure why I am writing now, other than perhaps as a release. I can barely keep my eyes open. Even if I wanted to work, I don't think I could. I was going to paint some jewelry today, but decided that it was probably better not to. I want people to like my jewelry, and not be depressed by it. I am not sure what would come out if I did it the way I feel right now.
I had wanted to rest, but all I have been doing is working. Maybe it is a good thing, as I have been doing some great things that I love and enjoy. But I am exhausted beyond measure at the moment.
I think I really need to go to sleep.