Hair Today & A Few Things I Believe

Well...

It is not gone, not yet.

But it sure is looking like it.

Perhaps astoundingly,
I haven't shaved it.

I wake up each morning
to a wild look with what is left.



I have been looking at pictures lately and noticing the hair.
I have been feeling sad when I see curly, long hair.  I have
been looking at short hair and wondering how I might look
with the "right" style.

The thing is, for the longest time when I was growing up,
I had short hair.  It was awesome to be able to enjoy long
hair in the last last few years.

I have wondered when I had long hair what it would be
like to shave my head, but I would never have done it.
But this is different.  Anything can happen when hair
grows back after chemo.  I have heard of color and texture
changes.

Of course, I "should" be happy that I am still here to grow
hair, and then when it comes back, I "should" be happy to
have hair.

I suppose in time it will work itself out.  I suppose in time
I will move forward and find a new balance and peace
about what has happened and is happening.  After all, the
new "normal" has me wearing wigs and seeing myself
with an almost bald head.  The devastation and sadness
I felt the first few times I started to lose globs of hair is
now in my rearview mirror.

Some have said that our hair carries energy.  That is why,
in theory, those who get their hair cut feel a big difference.
It, in theory, is why they feel "freer."

Right now the thing I feel is a lot of heat.   I have noticed
that a lot of heat comes from my scalp.  I have heard in the
winter that a lot of body heat escapes through our head.

Well, now I know that to be true.  I guess when you have
hair you don't notice.  I wonder if the hair somehow
buffers/diffuses the feeling of the heat.

When winter comes I will be curious to see how I feel.
By then I will be surprised if anything is left.

I have laughed at a friend of mine who is mostly bald that
walks around with a ski cap much of the winter - even
indoors.  Maybe this winter will be payback.

I am struggling with how to end this.  Maybe it is
because I want to end on a lighter note, but am not
feeling so "light."

This is the problem with sharing your inner thoughts in
an outer way.  You wonder what other people will say
and think.  If you ever felt like you should apologize
for how you felt about something, or felt like you needed
to defend it, you may have a sense of what I am feeling.

I know how I feel, and it is just how I feel.  It is something
that ebbs and flows.  It is something that at one minute
saddens and another is practically a non-issue.

It is just what it is.

Internally it is quite the dance, and when I invite someone
else into the dance in the way that I have with a public
blog, it adds a dynamic that can challenge my ability and
desire to speak things as they are.  Often it makes me
want to edit myself.

I was speaking with someone recently who was trying to
help me.  In his attempt - that wasn't seeming to work -
he asked me what I would do if I was him, interacting
with me.

I told him that I would likely just tell the person to do
whatever she needed to do.  I told him that I would
mostly just listen, that I wouldn't try to fix things.  I told
him that this situation has altered the way I see things
when it comes to situations like this.

He asked me how I would have been BEFORE, thinking
that that would offer the SOLUTION.

I told him it doesn't matter what I thought before.  It
doesn't matter what I would have done, and told him that
I even cringed thinking about how I have been when I
was on the "other side."

I told him that I believed that it was good that I now
could see the things that I do.  I told him that I would hope
never to be as I was again, as I moved forward.  I told him
what I have said here before which was that I think there
is a "problem" in situations like this because people not
experiencing the dilemma they are trying to fix, can't fix
it, despite their best of intentions.  I told him that I have
begun to think that some things just aren't meant to be
"fixed," but perhaps just lived the way that they are, and
that especially includes the things that aren't so pretty.

I believe...
We don't need to fix everything.

I believe...
That everything doesn't even need to be fixed.

I believe...
That not everything can be fixed.

I believe...
That when we come to something that makes us
uncomfortable with the feeling that we think we
need to fix everything, even those things that
don't need to be fixed, and especially the things
that can't be fixed, we wind up creating even more
discomfort, and potentially set up ourselves for
disappointment and conflict.

I believe...
That when we set out to fix things we can miss
out on other things.

These are things that I am formulating as I go
along, and I reserve the right to change my mind
at some point, should my perspective warrant it.  :P

I am working things out as I go along, and
this situation has certainly offered me perspective
in a way few things ever have, or likely ever will.

So these are things *I* believe.  This is where I
am at.  You may feel otherwise.  I kinda wonder
if I was where you are now, if I would have
felt otherwise.  It is so easy to think you can see
another person's experience more clearly than
they can.

And perhaps sometimes we do.  That is why I
am willing to listen, at least at times.  I can tell
you there are times I am soooo not there.  But
I try to keep an open mind.  However I suspect
there is a reason I feel this way, and I suspect
there is a reason I am sharing this with you.

I guess time will tell if I am right.

And if time finds out,
maybe it will let me know.

How are you? (Does anyone really care?)

I saw this video today, and debated just a little about
sharing it.  I believe it is a video that is well worth
sharing.  The thing is, though, Anthony talks about
cancer for a bit, and mentions about how it comes
back.

I already think that people are worried about me,
and those people include myself.  I try my best to
be careful what I expose myself to, and want those
who care about me to always look in a positive
direction.

I wasn't sure I wanted to give an opening to what
others may think in relation to me, or even to
themselves, should you be a stranger who happened
upon this blog.

It could just be that if you watch this, you wouldn't
have even noticed, except for the fact that I just
mentioned it.

But that was my (momentary and selfish) concern.

One that I got over because the message of the video
is one that I think most people could relate to.

This is what I wrote when I shared it on Facebook:

"It is not often we get to freely share ourselves and our experience with others. So often we are good about being how others expect us to be. I wonder how much is out of necessity, and how much is out of PERCEIVED necessity. Some people don't know how to be with me these days. If I acted like everything was fine, and said nothing about what is truly going on with me, there would be no "issue.". Being honest puts other people on the spot. In some ways I would say that there is an inverse relationship of freedom and limitation when it comes to things like this...depending on the person. The freer I am, the less free the other person is - but not because of what I have done, but rather, what they do to themselves (what *I* have done, as well in similar situations in which I am on the other side). At the same time, things like this we can often relate to...he definitely has his audience's attention."

Interestingly, tonight on Facebook I see one of my
"friends" (not really someone I know personally)
made a comment about that "awkward moment"
that you ask someone how they feel, and they really
tell you.  Those who comment, for the most part,
laugh at the statement, and are in accord.

I am not going to sit here and judge them, or the
comment, but what I am doing is just noticing the
obvious.  Often "people" do not really want to know
what is really going on with someone else -
ESPECIALLY - if it is something that would be
considered "bad."

And yet...we, automatons that we can be at times,
ask the question, "How are you doing?" likely
(un?)consciously hoping that the answer carries no
real meaning or weight.

Is it because we don't know what to "do" with it?
Is it because we can't fix it?  Is it because we are
so wrapped up in ourselves?

I am sure there is a "good" reason in there somewhere
for our deceptive and shallow practice.  Maybe the
illusion that we care carries some weight.

I would guess that the person who spoke the truth
needed to.  I would guess that person needed to
be honest with what was going on.  Maybe they
needed to get it out somehow.  It isn't easy to be
OK when you really aren't, and yet our world
isn't so friendly when we break through that
invisible line.

I suppose there is something to be said for what
is said when someone asks.  I would imagine that
some people are quite dramatic in their sharing.

At the same time, I would also imagine that there
can be a middle ground of opportunity to truly
connect with another.  An opportunity to give the
other person a relief valve.  An opportunity to be
a sounding board.  An opportunity, perhaps, to
even help.

Personally I feel the effects of expressing myself
honestly.  It is one reason why I have played the
game so much of my life.  I may have even
considered continuing to play, if my circumstances
didn't in some way demand that I express myself
the way that/as much as I am.

The one thing I have gotten from this is that I am
going to die.  I don't know when.  But it will
happen.  It could be sooner.  It could be later.

But the fact is that it WILL happen.  And when
it does, will anything that I say or do now really
matter?  Will I have benefitted from those things
kept quiet?  Will I have lost something from
refraining from expressing myself?  What effect,
if any, will it have on those in my life, or who
could have been in my life, if I was being more
open and honest?

We think we have all the time in the world.
We think we need to be something we are not
to have the best experience in life.  Why else
would we deny a part of ourselves?

But are we really having the best experience
when we are a character of ourself interacting
with others?

There are things about me that others may
question, or find dubious.  There are things
that may have you looking another way.
There are things that you may judge, and
therefore you may judge me.

There are so many people in the world that I
will never meet, and of those that I do, I am
sure there are many who could and would
find a reason to not like me.

It is something that I know, and yet I have
tried to be what I was "supposed" to be so
that a maximum number of you may like me,
or at the very least be neutral.

This comes from the insecure kid in me who
never fit in.

Interestingly, in the work that I do, I have
spoken with many who find themselves in
a similar place.  They find themselves being
one way on the social surface, and another
way behind closed doors.  In some cases,
they can't even be themselves there, because
they can't even be themselves with those
they love and care about (family/friends).

So this is quite common.  And it is something
that is so "easily" perpetuated by the fact that
we somehow deem it less uncomfortable to
be someone else around others than to truly
be ourselves and risk judgment or rejection.

At this point in my life I have nothing to lose
by telling you who I am.

But you know what?

I am still scared.

Little by little more and more of me comes
out.  Interestingly, a friend of mind warned
me to be careful about TMI (Too Much Info).
I think that is a wonderful way to protect
ourselves from being fully who we are.  It
keeps the limitations in place.

If you read what I write, and you aren't
interested, you will stop reading.  You will
stop visiting my blog.  You will stop
interacting with me.

The fact is I don't really know who comes
here so it really won't be a loss for me.  I
suppose if you are someone in my life that
I am in contact with, and things change, it
will be a bit more noticeable.

But I don't want to torture you. :p

And you shouldn't be in something that
doesn't really work for you.  If we aren't
meant to click in some way, then it truly
is for the best.  After all, the world has a
lot of diversity, and when we meet up with
someone that we can truly connect with,
there is nothing more magical.

I guess I say all of this because I think
much of life is more significant than it
truly is.  We think things matter when
they may not.  Things we think don't
matter, may just be a big deal.

Life is messy enough in its contrived form,
is it really worth keeping up the pretenses?

Might it just be easier to speak our mind
and be ourselves?  We might just find
that our world looks a whole lot different -
and in a good way.  I suspect we have a
lot more in common than it would appear,
because we manage our appearances.

You may not want to be around me, but
when you leave the one that "fits" me
has room to show up.

So yes I am scared to be myself with you.
Scared, but still sharing.  In time there will
be more.

If what I say speaks to you then I hope you
will extend yourself beyond the internet walls
and talk to me.

Ask me how I am.
Listen.
and
I will do the same.

And we can
go from there.

Thank you.