Day 5: Help the 5th Graders Get to Six Flags

Based on my 30 Days 30 Causes 30 Dollars blog entry, each day I donate $1 to a cause. Today I didn't have to go looking for my Day 5 $1 donation opportunity. It had been posted by a Facebook friend: Help the 5th Graders Get to Six Flags.

A group of disadvantaged students were promised a trip if certain conditions were met, but then for some reason, they were told that it would not happen.

Their teacher is seeking $3,000 to make that happen.

When I first saw the posting I reached out to the poster to find out if the campaign was legit. Did she know the person? I never heard back. I could have made more of an effort to find out, but quite frankly, I decided it wasn't worth it. And then I got to thinking about the many scams out there and how people are reluctant to give if they don't know the person.

In some ways I understand. At the same time, it is making us so guarded that we don't even want to give to those who are in genuine need. I have gone out of my way to be open and honest here about my situation because I thought it would help. But, quite frankly, I am not sure that it has. In addition, the donation sites often tell you to give only to those you know. I can understand why, sort of.

But think about this: If you "just" give a $1 you aren't risking much if you don't know if it is true or not. You have likely wasted a lot more money on other things that didn't have the potential to help someone.

In addition, you can do what you can to try to tell if something is legit, or not. Of course, unless you have proof of a situation, there is no way to be sure. But if you see a number of people giving money, the hope is that it is legitimate. You could always reach out and ask for more information. More than once I have offered to show records, and would go as far as necessary to prove something if I had a reason to.

Lastly, if someone is indeed scamming, it is very possible that they truly do have a need of some sort, but just aren't going about taking care of it in the healthiest or best way. It is one humane way to look at it. Of course, I understand one doesn't want to give their hard earned money away just like that. But if we use a combination of our gut and heart and head, we will have the best shot of doing something worthwhile for both us and the person we affect.

I think it is likely better to take a $1 risk on something you don't know for certain (if it speaks to you in some way) than to do nothing at all because I think the overall risk to a society who doesn't help out its members is greater than the one that seeks to, and does.

If you know of any people in need, please let me know. I will be posting about them here as well as at DollarDifference.com. 

To see previous days, please click here.

Benefit Flyer

Look at me. I am on a flyer!

Ken is planning to hand these out in a few places before Friday.

If you, or someone you know, would like a version to print

so you can do the same, click here.

While the event is being held in the SF area, 

anyone who wants to and is able might be able 

to do something to coordinate efforts with what he is doing

to maximize the overall event.

If you are so inspired - or have any ideas - please let me know.

It feels funny to promote my own benefit.

But when you have a need, you do what you gotta do.

It feels a bit surreal, really.

(People sometimes think, "oh that's not for me," and then it stops there, as they proceed to ignore it. What they don't consider is that it might benefit, or be of interest to a friend of a friend. You never know who knows somebody who knows somebody that it might matter to. Even though the benefit for me on Friday is in the SF area, there may be someone you know in Florida who has lots of family there. You also don't know who might see what is going on and want to help me in some way. Please consider that when you view the flyer, and please consider passing it along like it was someone you loved and cared about who was in great need. I know it is awkward and uncomfortable, but the rules and limitations change when it personally affects you. If you want to help me, I appreciate you considering these words, and passing them along as you see fit. TY.)

Day 4: Rico Relief Effort

Based on my 30 Days 30 Causes 30 Dollars blog entry I went looking for my Day 4 $1 donation opportunity, and found Rico Relief Effort.

Rico Walder is dealing with brain cancer, and is about a third of the way to his goal. One thing that was said in an update was

"He still needs your help! This charity will soon be coming to an end and I want to make sure Rico has enough funds to continue with his medical treatment and to support himself and his business." 

In my experience of dealing with cancer, I can say he will be a very fortunate man to get what he needs to help him. It is incredibly difficult to manage a business and an illness. I was fortunate enough to get through treatment, but I had to start working almost as soon as it was over.

Physically it was (and still is) challenging. If you have never had treatment, let me tell you - it is not easy to do. There has to be healing from the treatment that is almost harder than the treatment itself. And I am not sure that the pressure is helping my physically, either.

I don't think many people realize how difficult it really is. So many have expected me to be who I was before treatment. Many expect me to be as anyone would be, normally. It is part of the reason I feel I need to talk about this stuff. I hate - in some ways - to have to keep repeating myself to new people. It almost makes me feel defensive. I should be able to handle things, shouldn't I? I can see why many wouldn't do anything, or be concerned about addressing it with others. It is, among other things, incredibly awkward.

Something else I noticed today, which I have noticed other days, but haven't yet addressed is that if someone who is asking for help is from a public event/disaster, I skip over them. Why? Because I feel that many are going to go to them and help them first before helping someone else with a more "every day" kind of need. Some people will only help in an extreme situation like that, too.

So even with my $1, I have been discriminating. Imagine what it is like for someone who has a lot more to spend? How do they decide how much is going to whom? I imagine that the things that people relate to are precipitating factors. Currently I am focusing on GiveForward.com because I can give a $1, but I wouldn't mind helping elsewhere. I am sure there are many who are trying to launch a project, a product and/or get a business going who are just as much in need.  I may check out IndieGoGo and see if I can give $1 there.

If you know of any people in need, please let me know. I will be posting about them here as well as at DollarDifference.com. I am behind over there...the things I set out to do so often don't get done these days. It is really hard to reach to do something, but not be able. In a way, I would say it is good. It gives me something to aspire to. But in another way it frustrates a bit, as I so often don't meet the desired outcome.

But I am trying.

Day 3: Liana Williams

Based on my 30 Days 30 Causes 30 Dollars blog entry I went looking for my Day 3 $1 donation opportunity, and found Liana Williams.

In looking for people to donate to, I find my eye drawn to images with someone else in it. I have been saying for a while that I do not think I have the most compelling "cancer story." Interestingly enough Liana's picture shows her husband and her children. She is fighting an aggressive form of lymphoma, and while they have raised a considerable amount of money, they have raised the amount asked for, due to almost being out of money. And this is despite getting some help. Her husband lost his job. I picked them, in part, because their campaign is about to end on May 31st, and they are just a little over 50% there.

There are way too many people challenged - and devastated - by things like this. It is all too easy to turn a blind eye. At the same time, it is the type of thing most people have to trip over to see. No one wants to see the pain. No one wants to know. I know. I was one of them. Why go looking for something you know will cause discomfort?

On top of that, so many people are empathic, and do not know it. They pick up what others feel. And for many, it sucks so much they unconsciously avoid dealing with anything that has them feel it. I tend to stay away from large crowds, and really don't like places like malls.

If we could somehow harness that empathy and turn it around we might be able to stop avoiding, and start helping. Maybe that is why we are empathic in the first place. Maybe it is a way for us to connect so we will help, but instead we unconsciously take on the pain and feel a need to avoid what is causing it, leaving those we love and others we could help to struggle with their situation on their own. And the deeper the depths of their despair, the more we want to avoid it. If only we would have helped in the earlier stages, maybe it would not have gotten as bad.

How many people think of that, I wonder.

If you know of any people in need, please let me know. I will be posting about them here as well as at DollarDifference.com.

Taking the journey of making a difference one dollar at a time.

Day 2: Project Liza

Based on my 30 Days 30 Causes 30 Dollars blog entry I went looking for my Day 2 $1 donation opportunity, and found Project Liza.

I have to admit, her name is a great one. But besides that, she has "a liitle friend" that is a brain tumor. As tough as my situation has been, I cannot imagine what that would feel like.

It isn't easy reading about these people's situations. But in some ways, it may be a bit easier - and a bit more difficult - because I can identify with pieces of their situations and dilemmas and concerns. The more we are exposed to something, the more familiar we are with it, and the more comfortable we in some ways become with it.

It is one of the great reasons why I feel it is important for me to talk. To share. Maybe it will encourage others, and ultimately be of greater help to us as a society. The discomfort people feel around illness I believe weakens who we are as a society and culture.

It is also difficult for me on one level because I see the level of help they are receiving as compared to me. It is hard to be this honest, but I feel like it is important for me to flesh my feelings out. I have to wonder if sometimes people might not give another for that reason. Another gets, but not me?

It feels odd to give someone who has more than I do. Some might even call it folly. But, as I have said, this is about a much bigger picture. Whether or not someone else has more, who am I to judge their need? If she says she has a need, then that should be good enough. I am not her. I can't possibly know what it is like to be her. And I am sure that for her, just like me, every dollar counts.

I can already tell this experience is going to be quite a lesson for me.

If you know of any people in need, please let me know. I will be posting about them here as well as at DollarDifference.com.

Playing by the Rules (& Communication)

Today I read a status of someone who told another she did not know exactly what she was thinking. The person, she said, was grateful for her honesty and forthrightness.

In reading it, it made me think of "A." It reminded me of how when he decided things were over, he tried to silence my expression. While it is different, and while I did write him several emails as I processed things, It got me thinking about the power of being able to communicate.

It got me thinking about who we communicate for. Did I need to send him all the those emails? I wanted to be heard. I was writing them, hoping he would hear me. There would have been no point in writing them, if he wasn't the recipient. It wasn't enough for me to just write them. I wanted him to know what and how I felt. However he chose to deal with them, was up to him. At least I expressed myself. And he would not have had a choice about what to do regarding the messages they included, had I not sent them.

At one point he tried to stifle me by saying that we handle things differently, and that I was just upsetting him by expressing myself as much as I had. At that point if I remember right, he said we would talk, so I let up. But it took awhile to happen. It was possibly just his way of shutting me up.

I realize it can be overwhelming for someone who isn't expressive to interact with someone who is. If he had just been willing to talk to me from the start, I might not have felt so pressed to go the route I did. The less willing he was to speak to me, the more I felt a need to say what was on my mind.

Now, months later, I still send him a revealing message from time to time. I have no expectation that he will respond. I recently wrote him,

"exhausted...but having trouble sleeping...feeling kind of scared...so much on my mind...a part of me thinks you don't care - given how you have been. Another part recognizes that may not be the case at all and yet another part thinks you don't deserve to know how much you still mean to it...but I guess nothing currently compares to what you were able to give me...what an incredible gift it was while it lasted. I don't care if you respond, and certainly don't expect you to...this message is selfishly motivated...i just felt the need to express what I am feeling...maybe I can try to sleep now with one less prompting in my head...thank you for giving me a reason to love you as much as i did."

There was a lot of freedom in sending him that. I did it, and then I was able to sleep. I meant what I said, and it helped me to release it for the night. I am not sure expression changes the way I feel, but it at least allows me to be me.

I have no control over how another person will react to me and what I say, but I do have control over whether or not I express myself in the first place. As people we do others an incredible disservice by not respecting what they have to say because we don't like it or don't want to hear it.

And as I say this, I think about all the things I do not want to hear and about how difficult it is for me to hear things when I am suffering and overwhelmed. Maybe that is how "A" was feeling. But as I also think about it, I think I can make a distinction between the two similar, yet seemingly different, circumstances.

In the case of "A" I would like to think that what I was doing was expressing how I felt about what had transpired. I would like to think that while I was expressing what I felt it included him, but not in a finger-pointing, blaming way, but more in a way of expressing how I was feeling as a result of all that was - which coukdn't help but include him. After all, I would not have felt the way I did, had he not dome what he did. I did not tell him he was wrong, or that he needed to change. I would like to think I did a good job at that. The unfortunate thing is that even if I sucked at it, and even if he took something in an unintended way, I had no hope of resolving it because he would not talk to me.

While I would like to think I am fairly good at this these days, I am not perfect, and things may come out in an unintended way, or intended, but not necessarily the best choice of words or message. Plus I cannot be responsible for how another person hears what I say, but I can be responsible for doing what I can to communicate differently, if I know there is a misfiring in the initial communication, But I need the other person's engagement for that.

In many cases - especially in the last year - when someone tells me how they feel, but it is only about them to the degree that how who I am and how I am bothers them, and how wrong I am for seeing things as I do, I think it is different than what I described with "A."

I don't want to hear how someone else thinks I should do things - unless I ask. Someone told me recently that I don't listen. I am trying to figure out as I write what the person thinks I wasn't hearing. Maybe there was some intention behind what was said that I was missing while I was interacting with what I think she was saying.

The thing is I look at things differently than others do. I so often have. Most of my life, I have been on the outside, looking in. I can not seem to help it, and I am tired of being judged in some way wrong or inferior for it. I may not be the best woman to ever walk this planet, but I have a good heart and I am doing the best I can - just like many others.

I suspect there are others like me who have settled and conformed in some way because it may seem to be easier. But at what cost? Yes, it hurts when people not only don't get me but then give me grief for what they think they get. But at least I still get to be me. I think if I was to deny myself it would hurt more. I spent years fighting who I am thinking there was something wrong with me. I am now thinking that the only thing "wrong" with me is that I haven't been how someone else wanted me to be, or thought I should be.

Some might say, given my circumstances, something must indeed be wrong with me. And the less tactful, more reactional part of me would want to say, "go to hell!" The more calm, reasonably aware part of me looks at it and says it is Ok that they think that. We all have things we label as "right" or "wrong" when in actuality they may just be how they are supposed to be. I don't have to make myself miserable over someone else's label or intrepretation, and just because I feel stymied or stuck or unhappy does not mean that this situation isn't somehow exactly the way it needs to be.

And then there are times I might just want to tell that reasonably aware part of me to go to hell, too. :p

This Game of Life that we play certainly can suck sometimes, but given the myriad of variables, I have a sneaking suspicion that there are times when making up - and more importantly playing by - our own rules lands us exactly where we need to be. The thing is, though, sometimes we may land flat on our back, even though we would haved liked to be like a cat and land on our feet.

But either way - we landed. And it isn't so much how we landed, as much as it is about what we do next. And don't forget the fact that we are even able enough to have a next move.

Past Radio Show Events

I was a guest on Anna's Journey with Anna Renault (March 11, 2013)   (for more info on the CCBC Expo click here.)

Listen to internet radio with Anna Renault on Blog Talk Radio

You can download this interview as MP3 here, or click the iTunes icon above and download it from there.

What Makes You Feel Empowered?

I saw something about a woman who is a breast cancer 
survivor who got a chest tattoo. There is a comment from
someone who says something about how he doesn't
see how that could be empowering for anyone.

When I first saw that, I knew I wanted to write something
about it. When I went back to get the link, I noticed that
there were a number of responses to the comment, one
of which speculated on what could be an empowering
reason to do it.

The person who posted the initial comment responded
in a way that acknowledged that person's attempt to
explain it, rather than just jump all over him, as others
had.

I thought that was interesting perspective for me. I wasn't
going to jump all over him for what was said, but I was
definitely jumping on his perspective of what one might
consider empowering.

The last words of the original commenter were, "If you
were really proud of who you are, I would think you
would not give a fuck what anyone else thinks about
your scars, yourself included. THAT is empowering."

I wonder if the person ever had something happen to him
that he felt he couldn't control. I wonder if there was
ever anything about him he wished he could change.

It is one thing to make a choice. It is another thing to
have something thrust upon you.

It is "easy" to say that one can feel empowered in
acceptance of something, and maybe someone can.
At the same time, why is there a need to accept it on
the terms given? If there is something that can be done
to make one feel better about oneself, and it is something
desired by that person and feasible to obtain, then why
not do it?

I did not want to always be reminded that I had a chemo
port. The usual placement is in a place that many would
always see - including me. So I had it placed lower, in
an unusual place.

It was my choice to make the decision, and one may say
it was "empowering." I don't know if being caught between
a rock and a hard place and choosing the rock is empowerment,
but what I do know is that I feel better about where it is
than where it could have been (and yes, I still have it).

And so many have commented about its placement - and
not in a good - or helpful - way.

Who are we to decide what is best for another? Who are
we to decide what is empowering for anyone - except
ourselves?

That commenter may have just been asking a question. It
may just be that how it was said rubbed people the wrong
way because of how they interpreted what he said. In turn,
they judged him.

The series of comments is a reminder to me that words can
sometimes be so inadequate to express how we really feel -
especially when other people are involved.

The woman who got the tattoo expressed a message, too.
But it wasn't necessarily one meant for the masses. It may
have been something deeply personal. It may not have even
been about "empowerment" at all.

You would think by now that since everything can be
translated in so many different ways, we would stop jumping
to conclusions and jumping all over each other. Maybe there
are times we are "right," but I am guessing there is often
something off about our assessments.

I wrote about how I hadn't heard from my friend and her
partner, and took it to mean something it did not mean at all.

I suppose we are wired to see things through our eyes and our
experience. The difficulty with that, though, is that it is possible
that our interpretations of what happens in life are only one
possibility. There are others. And while we are busy overlaying
what we believe to be true over another person's words and
actions, we are likely missing some perspective that helps us
to truly connect to another.

(The irony, of course, is that while we may do it, I don't know
anyone who likes it done to them.)

It occurs to me that when we do what we do, we are reacting
to a person, a comment, a situation. And when we react rarely
are we truly empowered.

We are more likely to have an open mind, and have an opportunity
to make a better choice than a reaction would likely allow, when
we are able to take a step back and consider what we are doing
before we do it.

Because the choices made suit the WHO of who made them, we
just have to be prepared that the what, where, when, how
and why of what we do for us is going to possibly leave others
scratching their head, or butting heads with us because they just
don't understand.

If that is the way things need to be, maybe we could use a little
padding once in a while so we are less likely to hurt each other
in the process. :P

Vlog Update - It was a landmark day

Recorded end of January.

When dealing with cancer...

When dealing with cancer...

little things mean that much more
and can seem that much bigger.

Growth (Video Revisited)

I have been reviewing past blog posts, and watched this video
again.  I have watched it several times - but haven't in a long
while, and this time I was a lot less emotional while viewing.

I started to wonder why.

I suspect the fact that I am no longer the person I was in that
video and no longer facing the things "she" faced, and the
fact that I have moved on and grown, has given me an
opportunity to move past the pains of that moment.

Most of the time the only "movie" we have of moments in
our life is the memories that we have stored.  They can be
distorted and even sometimes forgotten.

Seeing this in its raw form - unadulterated - is interesting
for me now, and I am glad that I did it.  It has me recognize
how far I have come.  I don't know exactly where I am at
the moment, but I know I am not "there."

And THAT has more of an emotional affect on me now
than the video itself.

Wonder what it will be like in another 6 months.

Do we need statistics?

When I think about doing talks about cancer, I wonder
what statistics I should quote.  For the one talk I already
did, I had a few lined up to mention, and I think I only
mentioned one.

Why?

Because statistics scare the bejesus out of me - and perhaps
unnecessarily.  Are they really that important?  Statistics
are quoted all of the time about different things health-wise,
and people still do what they do.

Do statistics really matter?  Ask a person who has lost
someone due to cancer if they care about a cancer
statistic, and I am guessing most would mostly
care about one piece of that statistic - their loved one.

As I write, I am acutely aware of the fact that for some,
numbers and odds are everything and I don't want to
discount that because it is important to them.  I also don't
want to discount the times it may be beneficial to know
something a statistic says.

At the same time, I think I am in the process of deciding
something for myself, my process and my talks.  I think
I am going to leave the bulk of the statistical info research
up to those I speak to.  They (and you) can research to
your heart's content.  There is even a site cancer.gov/statistics
that probably has all that you need.  I don't really know,
though, because I have no interest in finding out anything
in that regard at the moment.

Statistics are a composite, but there is only one me and
only one you. You can't know an individual's soul in a
statistic.  You can't know their heart.  You can't know
their dreams, their frustrations and challenges, their
tears.  For me, this journey is more about the person
behind the statistic, rather than the statistic itself.

The Thought Swirls

So today I have a lot swirling through my head.

I feel very much like the "cat" I am.

Ever notice how a cat can be occupied intensely
with one thing, only to suddenly stop and do
something else, and then go on to the next thing
ultimately plopping down for a nap?

Well, that is pretty much me today -
minus a much wanted nap.

I have been thinking about the genetic testing.

Why?

I really did not want to.  But the fact that my
feelings had shifted in relation to my sister I
started to think if it was that helpful to her, and
that important to her, maybe I should do it.

Apparently her gynecologist is "pissed" at me
for not doing the testing.  I don't quite understand
why.  If I was to have the BRCA gene, it does
not mean my sister will, and the absence of it
does not mean she won't have it.

I really don't see how it matters what my situation is
when it comes to what my sister chooses or doesn't
choose.

Part of it seems to hinge on a life insurance policy.
According to my sister, she would not be able to
get the kind of life insurance she wants, if she has
the gene.

Is that "true"?  I don't know.  But if it is, that so
sucks.   That would not seem right to me, at all.
I would have to think she knows what she is
talking about, but not having done research on it
myself, I have no way to know.

And then she tried to tell me that I was somehow
affecting my nieces by not getting tested.  Once
again, I don't see the correlation.  However in my
sister's mind whether or not she gets tested would
hinge on my results.  If she doesn't get tested, then
her daughters would not know if they could have
it - or not.

I am not sure how it makes me responsible.  But in
my sister's mind, I am.  And there is a part of her
that is pissed that I won't get the test.

On my side of things, I really don't want to know.
If I get tested, I am not sure there will ever be a way
for me not to know the results.  In addition, I wonder
in the back of my mind if there could be any insurance
company bias if I wound up having the gene.  Is there
some way it could come back and affect me in a way
I would not want to be affected?

I also wonder if the test would be paid for.  I suspect
it might be, as an insurance company would prefer
that one get a mastectomy rather than wind up with
cancer.  Find out you have the gene, get the mastectomy,
and hopefully save the insurance company a bunch of
money.

Now some would say that they would be all for having
their breasts removed.  There are many stories of that
in the news - even a recent pageant contestant.

I really am uninterested in ever having cancer again.
However having the gene doesn't mean I will, and
not having the gene doesn't mean I won't.  Having a
mastectomy doesn't guarantee anything, either.
You can have your breasts removed, and still wind
up with breast cancer.

So...

I really don't know what I will do.  I probably should
have kept my mouth shut with my sister until I decided
if I was going to do it.  I just didn't realize how much
the whole thing pisses her off.

(You can also read my previous blog on BRCA)

PS Update/Revisting post.  January 29, 2013

So apparently there were things I wrote that have been
taken differently than intended above.  For that reason,
I want to clarify a few things.

First of all, my sister did not ask me to take the test.
When the subject was first broached she said something,
but then left it alone.  Apparently it is something that is
important to her, but she respected my desire not to do
it.  However, in ways that I don't know that we will ever
see eye-to-eye on it is something that is very important
to her to know.  And she isn't happy about my perspective
and how I feel about it.  And,given her perspective, she
has every right to feel that way.

Secondly, it seems to some people that the way I questioned
the life insurance policy thing was me questioning what my
sister said.  That was not the case at all.  I was just stating
that I had no first hand knowledge of what she said to me.
(I am going to see what I can find.  If there is something
that would be helpful to others, I will come back and
post it.  In the meantime, let me be clear, I DO believe
what my sister said, I just - at the time of the initial writing -
and now - have no first hand knowledge of what she knows.)

In addition, it seems she may now have to pay more medical
insurance because a sibling has been diagnosed with cancer.
That so doesn't seem right to me, either.  Why should she
be penalized for someone else's health when she may never
have an issue of her own?

I have no idea what "Obamacare" is going to be offering,
as I could never find any details online.  But I hope it is
something saner than the direction it seems we are going in.

Third, I respect my sister's choice to do or not do whatever
she chooses in relation to the situation she now finds herself
in.  I was in no way judging her or her choices or in any
way implying that she should do anything.  As with all things
I write it was a conversation and there were things I was
thinking and questioning.  If I was in her shoes I wouldn't
be very happy either.  I would probably feel pretty pissed, too.

Tests like this are supposed to be helpful to people.  But there
are inconsistent beliefs about them from professional to
professional, and the potential broad reaching implications
that have nothing to do with health and well being of the 
individuals involved are troubling to me in more ways than one.

34 Videos!

Wow.  I just realized how many videos I have done since I was diagnosed.

34.

(Bet you already knew that.  What are you, psychic?  :P)

That is more than I ever did before diagnosis in total over the course of the
past few years.

I used to care how I sounded, what I looked like, how I would come across.
I used to script, or do something resembling scripting, before I would do
a video.

I did not like the way I looked on video.  I still don't like the way I look
sometimes, but I don't really care any more.

It is me.

It is me at better times.

It is me at not so great times.

It is me.

No one is going to look perfect or wonderful all of the time, and it is so silly
now for me to think about how I will look, how I will sound, or what I will
say.  While I don't recommend an experience with cancer, it certainly has
been a gift in that I now have a comfort level I never had before in just being
me in front of you.

I must say it is pretty darn awesome.

Live to Tell the Story

Recently I "stumbled" into a blog from Ryan Woods.  He is someone
who had been diagnosed with a form of cancer in his spine.  When
I first saw the blog, the last entry was last year.  I had to find out if
he was still around.  Sadly, I found this.

There is someone named Kris Carr who also has a blog.  She has a
site called crazysexycancer.com.  She has been through a lot with
cancer, and one day I want to see the video of her story.  The key,
though, is that she is alive and vibrant.

I say that is "key" because there are so many blogs that don't "end
well."  I can't help but tell you that I hope that mine isn't one of them.
I have been having feelings about things lately, and I am really hoping
they are wrong.  There have been some feelings that have been right,
like the fact that I somehow always thought I could wind up with
cancer, but there have been others that have been wrong.

I wish I knew how to tell which ones were which.  It might have me
feeling calmer about what is going on with my body right now.

I really felt that I was "DONE" (in terms of cancer and chemo).  I
really felt like I am moving into a new phase in my life.  I really felt
like I am going to have a great story to tell.

I am making an effort to be careful about the tense that I use.  I am
having a hard time.  I am trying my best to believe that everything
is OK with me.  But I feel like the way I feel is telling me that things
are not exactly OK the way I would like for them to be.

I really hope that this is me overreacting and worrying for nothing.

Regardless of what I find out next week, there is a part of me that
is determined to do whatever I can to continue with what I have
started.  I really don't know how I will if things take an undesired
turn.  But I also don't know that I will have a choice.

I have been doing my best to be calm about my finances, but it isn't
easy.  The clock is ticking, and another $560 is due for my insurance
in the next couple of weeks.

I really don't want to ask yet again for help...but I so do need it.
Every $1 counts.  It really does.  If you and your closest 999 friends
all gave me one, I would have a thousand of them.

There is a way to donate in the right column of this blog, and you
could also Paypal it to thankyou at Jolope.com.  I know it is
difficult to see me asking for this...just imagine how I must feel
having to ask.  This is not the life I want for myself, and I much
rather work for my money than ask you for it.

There is so much I can do.  There is so much I want to do.  If there
is any part of your heart and soul that can help me get to the other
side of this mess, I would be so grateful.  Maybe I can do something
for you or someone you care about, or maybe you could just
consider that you are in some way paying it forward.

Any which way, I am praying that whatever happens is something
that makes my life a life worth living...and gives something to the
world in a way that is unique and positive and affirming.

I was thinking just yesterday, wondering actually, about the
messages that come about life from the Kris Carrs and the Ryan
Woods.  I was wondering if we are meant to learn a thing, or
two, about living from those who are face to face with the
prospect of dying.

I remember the blog of someone else that was dying of cancer
a few years ago.  I read some of what he wrote, but it was hard
to read.  I apparently wasn't able or ready to let the message sink
in.  I guess you allow it when you are ready.  I just wish I was
ready before I ever had my own diagnosis to deal with.

But then
again,
maybe
this
is exactly
where I needed to be.

Jitters (Video)

About to do my first post-treatment talk.

I Love Jon Stewart!

I just saw a video in which Jon Stewart (of The Daily Show, which
as he so astutely observed is only 4 days a week) said something
so perfectly.

So often when I write, I find myself covering a lot of bases because
I know that often someone reading what is written will have a
varying opinion.  I write this way because I figure that if I cover
their concern perhaps, one, they will hear what I have to say and
two, they won't misconstrue my intent.

I find it difficult at times to cover only a piece of something when
I know that there are so many other pieces and parts and considerations.

How do you cover a world of a topic in just a few words, sentences,
paragraphs, books?  I really don't think you can.  But what you can do
is cover a portion in an attempt to address a thing, and let others take
what they will from it.

I have often wondered how to address this particular thing in words
of my own.  Because I love what Jon said, and because I totally agree,
and because I don't think I could have said it better I wanted to share
them with you:

"As with most bits we do, whether of the fully fleshed out 
or more drive by variety, there are ALWAYS various 
counter arguments and nuances of language and 
thought which can be cited of this show's inherent 
unfairness or ignorance. Typically a bluntness people will 
forgive when in agreement with our point of view." 
- Jon Stewart

Come to the Edge...

So many things swirling inside me at the moment.  So many.

I am really sad today for so many reasons, many of which
I don't think I could identify - mainly because I haven't
pinpointed why I am truly upset.

Part of it has to do with "A."  I so feel like I should just get
over it, and get on with it.  I have no idea how much time
I have, so do I really want to spend energy on someone who
is through with me?

I saw a quote today that I believe was from Marianne Williamson,
and it was something to the effect that living in the present is
the best way to get over the past.

As with many things...so easy to say.

In the past I felt "A's" love. In the past I thought I had someone
who really loved me and cared about me, and was going to be
someone I was going to have a great story to tell one day about.
In the past, I thought I had finally found "the" one.  In the past,
there was such sweetness coming from him, and we shared an
incredible connection.  In the past, I had someone that I could
lean on, and someone I thought was there for me, even when
we couldn't physically be together.

In the present, I don't have any of that.

It hurts so much.

It is such a deep, searing pain.

To be fair, I am fairly certain that part of the pain has nothing
to do with him.  I am fairly certain it has something to do with
the pain of a child who felt abandoned by her own parents.

In some logical way, I can see this as a good thing.  I can see
his leaving as a way for me to feel - and deal - with the pain
rather than covering it up.  I can say this, even as I am sitting
here, typing through sobs and blurred vision from the tears.

I don't want to leave this life without feeling like there is one
person who loves me madly, deeply, completely - and isn't
going anywhere.  If I was to die from cancer, I know that
would be really selfish on my part.  But I certainly hope not
to.

I know we are supposed to love ourselves.  I know that people
say you can't love someone else without truly loving yourself.
But I don't know if I believe that.  I have madly, deeply,
completely loved some people in my life. I suppose I should
feel good about that.  How many have a chance to love the
way I did with as many as I have?

But could ONE please come and STAY.  Especially at this
point in my life.  My heart center hurts so much.  It feels like
there is a crater there.  I have done the best I can.  I have loved
with an open heart.  I have loved without expectation.  I
have so much to give to someone.

And yet, so many someones have chosen other paths.

When the time for me to die comes, I want to be in love with
life.  I want to be in love.

I think there is a little girl inside of me terrified to be alone.
I remember as a kid wondering what would happen to me
if my grandparents died.  There was an underlying sense of
insecurity.  I am wondering if I never got over it, if I never
dealt with it.  But even if that is the case, it doesn't seem right
to me that I can't seem to be with someone.  Why can't I heal
through knowing that someone can be there for me?  Why
can't I have someone that can love me in that way?

And why is it that I keep opening my heart?  I know that
closing it is not the way to go.  I know it.  I am so certain.
And yet it takes everything I have to continue to do that.
I don't know if "A" realizes, or even cares, what an incredible
gift I gave him.  It took everything I had to open myself up
to him.  So much told me not to.  I was terrified.  But there
was something bigger and stronger that told me to.

And this is what I got as a result?

I did it knowing that things might not work.  I did it knowing
that nothing is certain.  I did it without any assurances.
I just did it.

How can something that was once so incredibly, amazingly
beautiful end with such a painful thunk?

I just want to scream.  I just want to yell.  I just want to die.

I know I shouldn't say that.  The last time I said anything
that resembled that was only a couple of months before I
was diagnosed.  Some people say that words have energy.
But I don't see how not saying it makes a difference. If
anything, I would think it would help to get it out of me.

Who the fuck knows?

Who the fuck knows anything?  I certainly don't know a
damn thing other than what I know this moment which is
that I am in a whole lot of pain.  That I am sobbing.  That
I can hardly breathe.  That I wish I could stop feeling what
I am feeling. I wish it could just stop.

It feels like a release I have never had before.  Maybe I
needed to get to this point.  This horrible, painful point.
This point that my nose is so full I can't even breathe.

I told "A" I hated him at one point.  I feel so much anger
coming up inside of me.  At first it felt like it was in relation
to him, but the feeling of "how could you just leave me
like that and stop loving me?" feels more like it belongs to
my mother and/or my father.  And, who knows, maybe
even my grandparents for them leaving me sooner than I
was ready.

Would I have ever been ready?

How does one know how to be ready?  How does one
feel safe? secure?  Most of my life I feel like I lived on a
precipice of impending disaster.  As an adult, though,
you are supposed to know how to deal with things.  You
are supposed to have it together.  In the process of pretending
to get it all together, I wonder how much hurt and pain and
devastation I have covered up.

I have a feeling this could be a water shed moment for me.
Living on the edge of disaster is no way to live.  I never
recognized this before...the way I was living,
or the realization of how I have been living.

But that is exactly what it has been.  And when I have
felt like I loved someone it was like my attention was
elsewhere.  It was like I had some peace.  No wonder,
in some part, this feels so devastating.  Unconsciously
feeling love for someone who gave me the experience
of love back was a way I was rescued from that feeling
of impending doom.  I feel like I have lost the love, and
the doom returns.

Damn unconscious mind.

I say that with the full awareness that I always tell people
that it is just trying to help us in the choices it makes,
and that it goes with what it knows.  And my unconscious
felt it knew that love would save me from precipice of
devastation so love was a good thing.  The only problem
comes when the love no longer is.  It tried to "save" me,
but it had no say over what another would choose.

And for as special as each person and each time has been,
each one has been increasingly more painful at the end.
I would have thought it was the depth to which I opened
my heart, but I now am thinking that it isn't so much that
as the fact that returning to the precipice has me that much
closer to the scary edge.

Maybe each one of these experiences has served to bring
me to the edge to show me that I would be OK here.
Maybe it got me closer and closer because it was the
only way I would see it.

I still think my heart was open...but love is such a beautiful
thing that the pain has to come from somewhere/something
else.

I am calmer now.

Significantly.

I guess I really did hit on something tonight.

Thank you, "A."

We May Think We Know, But We May Not Have a Clue

Today someone shared the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario in one of the groups I belong to.  Interestingly, it is not a group whose content I often see.  It feels like one of those moments that were meant to happen.  I am really having a tough time in the last few days.  I am a bit concerned that I may be having symptoms again, and it is throwing me into emotions that I would rather have nothing to do with.  I don't want to be spending the rest of whatever amount of life I have left (which could be years, just so you know I am not entirely pessimistic) running to the doctor every time I have a symptom that is reminiscent of the symptoms I had prior to diagnosis.

I also am not thrilled about having more tests and xrays done, although I do not know how they will be able to tell anything with any kind of certainty if they don't.  Although it occurs to me that they could start with a blood work test.  The CA125.  If something is going on in my body in regard to ovarian cancer, the level would likely show as elevated.  It could be a place to start.  

I have people telling me to be positive.  How is one positive in a moment like this?  Is being positive really helpful?  I read something recently that indicates that there is no "proof" that it is.  Positive people die every day, and those who aren't positive continue to survive.  I suspect we "should" be allowed our range of emotion.  At the same time, I can't help but wonder if all of the worries and concerns I have had have contributed energies in the opposite direction of where I want to go.
I think this is the point where I question the "self-help" talk and people.  

If being human means having emotions and feelings and fears then 
why would we be "penalized" for having them?

My mind and emotions feel all over the place.  I am wondering how much of it may have to do with the Reiki course I took over the weekend.  The instructor said things would come up for healing.  

I feel lost. I feel scared.  I feel unsupported.  I left my mother a message a week ago that she has not responded to.  Compassion tells me she doesn't know how to respond, and that maybe she is so uncomfortable with the prospect of a conversation she could be avoiding it.  I could be wrong, of course, and the only way that I would know would be if we were to talk.  Part of me wants to call her again and have that conversation, but I am so emotional, I don't know if I could handle it.  I also feel like I could go on the attack.  Guess when you hold back, the energy has to come out somehow.

My one sister kind of surprised me when I told her what was going on.  For once in my life, she told me that how I was feeling and acting was justified.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  Quite often it has been anything, but.

So back to the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario.  The idea of the theory is that what happens next is random, and unpredictable.  So while we may think we know what the story is, we may not.  The idea also seems to indicate that focusing on what is present for us in the immediate moment is more important than concerning ourselves with the things that surround us, and that may, or may not affect us.  It would seem that pathways can open up where we wouldn't think there were any.

It would seem to fit me now.  In the following scenario disaster may seem imminent.  In my life I kinda feel a bit like the deer, and sometimes it makes me feel like I would want to just give up.  It feels hopeless.  That is a part of me.  Another part wants nothing more than to persevere and prove that the things I believed and have held as possibilities are not only viable but incredibly helpful and powerful not only to me, but for others as well.

Being in the moment at the moment is incredibly challenging.  I really would like to just climb in to bed, and put the covers over my head.  I know it's not a powerful place to be...but it is where I am.  I have to work this out somehow, and either my symptoms have to subside or I need to get to a doctor or hospital to find out what is going on.  I so don't want to do that, but if something is not right, the sooner I know, the better.  At least then if I am going to be upset, it will be for a reason, and not just speculation, and I can deal with it however it is best to deal with.

So what is the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario?

This is it:

In a remote forest, a pregnant deer is about to give birth to a baby. It finds a remote grass field near by a river and slowly goes there thinking it would be safe. As she moves slowly, she gets labor pain…. at the same moment, dark clouds gather around that area and lightning starts a forest fire.  Turning left  she sees a hunter who is aiming an arrow from a distance. As she tries to move towards right, she spots a hungry lion approaching towards her.

What can the pregnant deer do ….as she is already under labor pain ?

What do you think will happen? 

Will the deer survive? 

Will it give birth to a calf? 

Will the calf survive? or 

Will everything be burnt by the forest fire?

That particular moment ?

Can the deer go left? – Hunter’s arrow is pointing

Can she go right? – Hungry male lion approaching

Can she move up? – Forest fire

Can she move down? – Fierce river

Answer:  She does nothing. She just focuses on giving birth to a new LIFE.

The sequence of events that happens at that fraction of a second (moment) are as follows:

In a spur of MOMENT…lightning  strikes (already it is cloudy ) and blinds the eyes of the Hunter. At that MOMENT, he releases the arrow missing and zipping past the deer. At that MOMENT the arrow hits and injures the lion badly. At that MOMENT, it starts to rain heavily and puts out the forest fire. At that next MOMENT, the deer gives birth to a healthy calf.

In that moment, LIFE.  In every moment there is life.  In every moment there is LOVE.  It's like my short tale Living Life in Reverse, what am I choosing to focus on?  Why is being in the moment - divorced from the repercussions of everything mental, emotional, physical - so freaking hard?  Or, if it is "easy" why do we perceive it to be so hard?

"I Did What Was Best for Me"

Practically pissed and glaring at me, that is what "A" told me
at one point when we spoke yesterday.

"I did what was best for me."

Abandoning talking to me was what was best for him, so he did.
And it sucked - for me.

It just occurred to me that more often than not that is likely
what most of us do.  There are times I did what was likely best
for me, and really didn't consider how it affected another, and
even if I did, did what I did any way.

I suspect even the times we may think we are considering others
might be moments in which we are doing what is best for us, too -
unconsciously.  I say this because if we are doing something that
we may not want to do to consider another, we may do it because
it somehow makes us look good.

I am not saying that this is the case with all people, at all times,
and in all circumstances, but I am suspecting it happens a lot.
And the thing is that we often get upset with people for doing
that.  We want them to think about US.  But if it is not genuine,
is it really what we want?  I know, you probably think it should
be genuine.  But you can't create genuine where it is not.

If he wasn't genuinely wanting to be in communication with me,
it likely would have sucked if he had forced things because somehow
he thought it would make me feel better.

While I wasn't happy that he did it, I understood it.  And I really
couldn't get mad at that.

I see how much of this situation leaves me feeling charged up for
reasons that have nothing to do with him.  It is oddly empowering
to recognize this fact.

At the same time, I don't necessarily know what those things are -
yet.  So it leaves me pretty much looking at myself.  It's a lot
different than blaming him.

And it still sucks.