Update

When I was packing, I thought about carrying my camera.

Every trip I take, I take my camera.  I love to take pictures.

I thought about it a minute, but it was an easy decision to
make:  no camera.

A few times I have wondered if I may have missed out on
an experience spending it behind the lens.  I wanted to be
present for this experience.  I suppose I could find things
to take pictures of, but what if doing that took me away from
myself?

I am trying to balance going within and also looking without.
Since arriving at the place that brought me to this center, I
have been asked about my mental health.  I have been
asked if I have gone for therapy.

I have been to therapy in my life, and quite frankly, for
me, it hasn't been all that helpful.  Right before I began
this post, I was watching a video with Christoper Titus,
a stand-up comic.  He mentions therapy, and says that
his therapist would acknowledge what he said, and then
asked what he thought.  Chris said something to the
effect of I am paying you $150 an hour, I want to know
what YOU think.

I am of that same mind.  I didn't find therapy to be very
helpful because I didn't get to know what the other person
thought.  I want to know what others think; it helps me to
bounce it off of what I think.  Sometimes I have strong
reactions, and sometimes I don't.  But the process of
speaking with someone else who is willing to share can
SOMETIMES be helpful.

I say that because there are times that is isn't.  Having said
that, though, those times are usually the times that what is
being said is unsolicited.  For instance, a friend of mine telling
me that I should get a "JOB," and specifically telling me that
this week.

Her heart is in the right place, but we have had several
conversations about it, and no matter how many times I
tell her it doesn't make sense to do it, and that just because
I pursue it, doesn't mean it will happen, she has brought it
up more than once.

This was not the time to do it again.

I took a deep breath in (as deep as I could right now, any
way) and told her that I did not want to discuss it.  I felt
the shift in my body, and it was not a good one.  I did not
have the energy to pursue the conversation.  Not now.

I suppose I should tell you that I work as a hypnotist and
life coach.  That means I work on my own.  That means
there is no steady paycheck.  That means varying
"paychecks."  That means A LOT of work.  That means
paying for my own insurance which is currently at $560
PER MONTH.  That means a lot of things - some good,
some great, and some harder to deal with.

I have a hard time with the "JOB" conversation, especially
given what is going on in our culture right now.  Not to
say that a "JOB" isn't the answer for SOME, but it seems
that for many it appears to be the ONLY answer, and when
there is a job, there is a fine line to walk so one might keep
it, but at the same time lose their soul.

Of course, these are broad sweeping generalities, and I am
not a big fan of them.  Every person and situation will
vary.  At the same time, when there is a form of societal
hypnosis that says a "JOB" is the way, the paradigm all
too easily sucks people into it.

I don't know what the answer is for me going forward.
I am concerned about my future.  I was also concerned
about it before all of this happened.  The difference now
is that my current situation is in some ways FORCING
me to look at things and interact with them differently.

While I love what I do, there are some elements I have
not been happy with, and have been coping with them
in the same way that many cope with a job.

I can't do that any more.  I won't do that any more.  I
knew I wanted it to change - just wish it didn't have to
come this way.  I knew I wanted to take better care of
myself too and, ironically, this is also compelling me in
that direction.

On Monday I am scheduled to meet a pastor type of
person.  The place I go to tries to treat the "whole" of
me.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I am "spiritual"
and not "religious."

I believe in a bigger picture, at the same time I am
pretty certain I am a part of it, and that there isn't
something that exists that I am disconnected from.

I say it this way because I really don't know what IS.
I have struggled to KNOW what IS.  There are some
who are so confident about what they believe, given
their experiences.  There are others equally confident,
but lean in a totally different direction.

Who is to say who is RIGHT?

I believe that to be part of the dilemma in the world
at large.  As a human we seem to believe that what
we believe to be the best and what is right is what
others should believe.  As a result, we judge and
gauge others.  As a result, there are major upsets
and conflicts that pull humanity apart.

How easy it can be to negate another's beliefs and
experiences when it is something our own personal
experience seems to dictate otherwise.

I realize it is the consistencies that seem to help us
to move forward, at the same time it strikes me that
they also have an equal possibility to limit us.