Everything Happens For Me

"Everything happens for me, not to me."
- Byron Katie

I heard this yesterday in the middle of a
Reiki I course that I was taking.

I really like it.



I like it especially because I can potentially wrap my head around it, even in
the midst of things in my life that don't seem to be all that great.  A problem I
have with many quotes is that in the midst of what they are supposed to apply
to they have little to no impact for me.  But that doesn't stop people from 
saying them.

I went to be trained and certified in Reiki because I wanted a name that people
can identify with.  For years I have done my own type of energy healing work,
and it doesn't have a name.  It seems people want to have something to 
identify with - thus the label.

At least that is what I told myself.

Interestingly, Reiki I is more about self healing.  I can still work with the 
energy and help others, but there is a focus on the self.  I can see how this
could be beneficial for me.  It is not unlike what I have done.  If anything, there
is more structure, which in this case might be a good thing for me.

I have known about Reiki for years, but I never wanted to be trained in it
because I was concerned it might mess with me and what I was doing on my
own.

At least that is what I told myself.

My teacher Tracy Houchins yesterday was amazing.  I had looked at having a 
different one that was more local, and less expensive, but I think I made an 
awesome choice.  She doesn't do Reiki by the numbers.  She believes in an
intuitive approach which is so perfect for me.

This is the second "teacher" (Kyle Cease being the other) that I have had in
recent months that fits me and my approach to things.  I love it.  It has been
so perfect, and such a validation for how I am and how I do things.  

I could have taken Reiki years ago, and I am guessing it would have been a 
totally different experience because I was a different me, I would have had 
a different teacher, and the group would have not been the same.  (Interestingly,
someone came 3+ hours to be there instead of finding someone more local).

I suspect the time was right.  As a matter of fact I kept hearing in my head
yesterday "When the time is right..."

Video: Day 1 Kyle Cease Event (AM)

I recorded this the morning of Kyle's Cease's Event.

A few thoughts at the beginning. 

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I Can't Do Everything I Want, How I Want, but...

This clip is from the movie Facing the Giants:

While this clip could make a case for how effective a coach can be in helping you meeting and/or exceeding your goals, it also is representative of something that Kyle Cease talked about this weekend.  He was talking about how our mind is an interesting thing in terms of how it deals with time and what is possible.

He had quoted an experiment in which 2 people were involved.  One had only a short period of sleep and the other 8 hours (I believe).  When they were awakened, the one who had had the short amount of sleep was told he had had 8 hours of sleep.  The one who had the 8 hours was told he only had the short amount of sleep of the other one.  

The two based what they felt on how much sleep they perceived themselves to have.  The one who had gotten the 8 hours was tired, and his eyes bloodshot.  The one with just a few hours was wide awake and feeling good.  Then...they were told the truth.  Apparently their demeanors reversed, and the bloodshot eyes were transferred to the other person.

Kyle also shared about how he was running one day and decided to keep telling himself that he had just started.  He wound up running longer/farther than he usually did.  He then had someone in our group get up on stage and do push-ups.  It was someone who had been in the military so he was able to do around 50 before he had to stop.  Over the course of a period of time, Kyle had him continue to go on stage and do more pushups followed by a break.  By the time he was done, he had completed nearly 200.  He had never done that many in one day.

Things like this make me think.  I found myself wondering about what is "real" in terms of what is possible with the feelings of the physical body.  I was feeling so tired and so sick, especially the first couple of days.   I wondered if I would have been able to alter the way I felt, or if there are just times that things are "the way they are."  As I wondered that, Kyle mentioned how he hadn't been feeling well, but altered his conversation around his circumstances, and wound up feeling much better as a result.

I would imagine there is more possible than we realize.  How much more, I do not know.  At the same time, I would imagine if one is willing to let another push them, it might just mean a result that exceeds expectations.  One of the keys, though, may be to keep part of your mind in the dark so that it doesn't have the ability to make something mean something that could limit you.

This may be something for me to play with at some point.  Although yesterday might have been something of proof of what is possible, as I probably only got an hour of sleep in a 24 hour period and still more than managed to get through what I needed to.  I wound up crashing afterward, though; so I am not sure how to register the results in totality.  But it does seem that there are times that things that don't otherwise seem possible do occur, despite what the mind may believe.

Makes me wonder what role being sick plays.  After all, it is a time we sometimes have to put everything on hold and focus on ourselves.  It might just be we need that.  But it also makes me wonder what is possible.  Maybe there are times we might be able to handle what we need to without being stopped.

The first day of my Vegas trip I wrote on Facebook that I didn't know if what I was doing was stupid, determined, or desperation or some eclectic cocktail of the above.  I said that because I was really pushing myself.  Given how sick I felt, I was hoping I wasn't making matters worse, since I wasn't a "healthy" person's sick.  I had heard of people who had chemo winding up in the hospital with some serious things.  

It took everything I had to be there.  It felt important for me to be there.  Even though I didn't feel great, I suppose things could have been a lot worse.  So maybe it was an instance where I had to just plow through, and my mind had no choice but to cooperate.  At the same time, I did what I could to take care of myself outside of the seminar, and reluctantly went to the doctor again the day before my trip, just so I could do what I could to manage what I felt.

There is every reason I could have stayed home.  For some there may have been every reason to stay home.  However I am glad that I managed to go.  I am sure the things that occurred will be trickling into my consciousness and experience over time.  So much of what Kyle said not only resonated for me, but was also things I have thought and said.  It was incredible to have such affirmation of things I have felt.   Now I just have to figure out how to implement them in a way that helps me make money/make a living.

I also have to figure out how much of a reality chemo and its effects still have in my life and experience.  I so wanted to act like everything was fine.  I want to do that every day.  The thing is, it isn't as fine as I would like.  I can't do everything I want, how I want.  

But maybe I can still do more than I think.

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OMG. The Pain.

I am sitting on the plane coming back from Vegas. I had hoped to be sleeping most of the trip, but it seems that nature had something else in mind. I say this because I woke up with the most awfuI pain in the left side of my face. At first I was coping, but it just kept getting worse and worse.

I tried to imagine heat and light in and around it as a wriggled in my seat. I kept yawning, as somehow that seemed to help in the slightest of ways. I wondered if I should try to ask if anyone had any Tylenol and wondered if the attendants would give me permission to use my phone so that I could call the center, and get their help/input.

I wondered if it could be something with my teeth. Could it be an infection?

I also thought about gas. Since we can have gas anywhere in our body, and it reminded me of the insistent gas pains I have had in some unusual places, I started to think it might be the strangest gas attack ever. I started to burp over and over and over which helped to reinforce the thought that it might be what I was thinking.

But reinforcement, or not, the pain kept escalating. I was listening to music, trying hypnotic recordings, trying to breathe differently, even magically, and still nothing.

I then had a thought about how it wasn't me who could affect a change. I was thinking that healing energy could move through my body, which had nothing to do with my body itself. I then had a thought to look up what gas was, as defined by Louise Hay.

If you are unfamiliar with her, she has a book called You Can Heal Your Life that has an index of symptoms and what may potentially be a related thought pattern. It also has some thought/words of things you can say/think.

For the first time EVER, I read those words and within moments, I heard something making noise in my sinus/nose area, and the pain released. The FIRST time EVER. If there was ever the appearance of magic, that moment had it.

Could it be coincidence? Could it be the two peppermints I pulled out to suck on? I truly will never know. But what I do know is the awe I felt in that moment. Awe and then incredible relief.

I then couldn't go back to sleep. I had to write about this. I had to record this.

Do you have any idea how many times I have used her book and those things, only to wonder in the back of my mind if there was any point. I always have felt it could never hurt, but there was never an obvious moment in which it ever seemed to help.

Until now.

And what I find incredibly fascinating is that it is on the heels of the event I just attended that was organized and directed and held by Kyle Cease. There was so much talk about being in the "flow, " as well as having things come "through" me.

I have already had times in my life in which I am quite clear that I am a conduit. Letters of Love couldn't be clearer examples of that. They would never be written if *I* sat down to write them. I have to sit down, and move myself to the side for the message to come through.

But I am not sure that prior to today I ever really thought about how any healing energy that I have access to is something that is a clearly "through" me thing. I think, as I think about it, that when I have worked with in in relation to others it has been through me. I just never made that distinction.

But...

Whenever I thought about healing energy and myself, I would say it quite likely that I thought *I* was somehow doing something to help myself. I always questioned if I could help myself, as I was never sure that what I was doing was helping. I somehow always felt that not only was it possible, but that it was likely that the ability was there. I just never really knew how to do it - but it never stopped me from considering it, even in utter frustration and occasional despair.

I am sitting here, and am extremely emotional. Tears are running down my face behind the face mask that was suggested to me that I wear - by more than one doctor. As I mention it, I am almost tempted to take it off.

I feel like something just shifted for me in a huge way.

I am not sure what happened. But it feels like something pretty i ncredible just did.

MY power is not mine. MY power is a magical illusion because things that happen around me have the appearance of being affected by me. What if the things that happen only happen through me? What if I am just a player who is a game piece in the game of life, and just part of the architecture of the experiences and physical structures that occur around me. What if who I am - and the experiences I have - are "used" to create an outcome of some sort?

And...what if I sometimes block it from happening? What if those blocks are my times of suffering? And as I say that, I don't even mean things like the cancer diagnosis. Sometimes seemingly bad things can be the best things ever for us. There have been times of suffering related to moments that were precursors of incredible perspectives and gifts in the form of life experiences. Perhaps if I had just gone with a circumstance instead of agonizing over it, I could have had the experience, minus the suffering.

Maybe this is a way for me to more deeply understand the idea behind "suffering is optional." In the midst of suffering, it certainly wouldn't be something most anyone would want to hear or be able to comprehend. I could even see some eyes sending out major "death rays" if someone tried to offer that as a "solution" for the momentary pain.

BUT...if one (in this case, me) can get that my circumstances are just moves in the gameboard of life moving me in a direction, then I will look at things with a whole different filter than the one that would have me suffer through a circumstance. This wouldn't mean I would necessarily be without pain, but suffering would be separate, and would only be a part when I allowed it to be by the fact that I wouldn't choose to make the distinction.

I can allow myself to have a myriad of experiences, including painful ones in the name of the game of life. And I can embrace all of the facets, including the suffering card which may be played from time to time. But now that I can see this differently, I may opt to play it less and less, and choose to focus on what the moment has to offer me.

My experience with cancer has at times sucked.

There have been times I have been miserable. But the thing is, I think on some level I have been doing this without realizing it. There are times I state how sucky things are, but I think it is often a statement of my momentary perceptions rather than a statement of suffering. I am often asking questions in the background of these times, and have rarely found myself wallowing in a "woe is me and my circumstance" type of energy.

People have told me that they are amazed at how I have handled things. I never have quite known how else I would be, or how exactly I might be different. As I think about, I have to wonder if this may be the difference between me and someone else who might be in a similar situation who is perceived differently.

Last night I made a video and spoke briefly about the movie It's A Wonderful Life. One thing I didn't say about it seems appropriate here.

When George returns home after realizing how wonderful his life truly is, he is excited. The fact that he could be arrested is wonderful. He totally embraces the parts of his life that he had at one time suffered over. The circustances hadn't changed, but his perspective has.

What if all suffering is is a function of our perspective? If that is true, then if we can - and more importantly are willing to - change our perspective, we can change our experience of the world. And if we change our experience of the world, I suspect it might just be possible that the world we experience might also appear to change. What if the difficulties of the world were redefined in terms of perspective?

What could that do?

I had no idea I was going to start with a perspective cased in facial pain and wind up in the perspective of world pain, but somehow that doesn't surprise me. If you know me, I suspect you aren't surprised, either.

Oddly enough, I am suddenly tired so I am going to try to get a bit of rest. Less than an hour of the flight to go. As much as I would have liked sleep, I somehow think this turned out better.

What do you think? Does any of this resonate for you? If so, please share your thoughts...I am all ears! Thanks. :)

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