I am sitting on the plane coming back from Vegas. I had hoped to be sleeping most of the trip, but it seems that nature had something else in mind. I say this because I woke up with the most awfuI pain in the left side of my face. At first I was coping, but it just kept getting worse and worse.
I tried to imagine heat and light in and around it as a wriggled in my seat. I kept yawning, as somehow that seemed to help in the slightest of ways. I wondered if I should try to ask if anyone had any Tylenol and wondered if the attendants would give me permission to use my phone so that I could call the center, and get their help/input.
I wondered if it could be something with my teeth. Could it be an infection?
I also thought about gas. Since we can have gas anywhere in our body, and it reminded me of the insistent gas pains I have had in some unusual places, I started to think it might be the strangest gas attack ever. I started to burp over and over and over which helped to reinforce the thought that it might be what I was thinking.
But reinforcement, or not, the pain kept escalating. I was listening to music, trying hypnotic recordings, trying to breathe differently, even magically, and still nothing.
I then had a thought about how it wasn't me who could affect a change. I was thinking that healing energy could move through my body, which had nothing to do with my body itself. I then had a thought to look up what gas was, as defined by Louise Hay.
If you are unfamiliar with her, she has a book called You Can Heal Your Life that has an index of symptoms and what may potentially be a related thought pattern. It also has some thought/words of things you can say/think.
For the first time EVER, I read those words and within moments, I heard something making noise in my sinus/nose area, and the pain released. The FIRST time EVER. If there was ever the appearance of magic, that moment had it.
Could it be coincidence? Could it be the two peppermints I pulled out to suck on? I truly will never know. But what I do know is the awe I felt in that moment. Awe and then incredible relief.
I then couldn't go back to sleep. I had to write about this. I had to record this.
Do you have any idea how many times I have used her book and those things, only to wonder in the back of my mind if there was any point. I always have felt it could never hurt, but there was never an obvious moment in which it ever seemed to help.
And what I find incredibly fascinating is that it is on the heels of the event I just attended that was organized and directed and held by Kyle Cease. There was so much talk about being in the "flow, " as well as having things come "through" me.
I have already had times in my life in which I am quite clear that I am a conduit. Letters of Love couldn't be clearer examples of that. They would never be written if *I* sat down to write them. I have to sit down, and move myself to the side for the message to come through.
But I am not sure that prior to today I ever really thought about how any healing energy that I have access to is something that is a clearly "through" me thing. I think, as I think about it, that when I have worked with in in relation to others it has been through me. I just never made that distinction.
Whenever I thought about healing energy and myself, I would say it quite likely that I thought *I* was somehow doing something to help myself. I always questioned if I could help myself, as I was never sure that what I was doing was helping. I somehow always felt that not only was it possible, but that it was likely that the ability was there. I just never really knew how to do it - but it never stopped me from considering it, even in utter frustration and occasional despair.
I am sitting here, and am extremely emotional. Tears are running down my face behind the face mask that was suggested to me that I wear - by more than one doctor. As I mention it, I am almost tempted to take it off.
I feel like something just shifted for me in a huge way.
I am not sure what happened. But it feels like something pretty i ncredible just did.
MY power is not mine. MY power is a magical illusion because things that happen around me have the appearance of being affected by me. What if the things that happen only happen through me? What if I am just a player who is a game piece in the game of life, and just part of the architecture of the experiences and physical structures that occur around me. What if who I am - and the experiences I have - are "used" to create an outcome of some sort?
And...what if I sometimes block it from happening? What if those blocks are my times of suffering? And as I say that, I don't even mean things like the cancer diagnosis. Sometimes seemingly bad things can be the best things ever for us. There have been times of suffering related to moments that were precursors of incredible perspectives and gifts in the form of life experiences. Perhaps if I had just gone with a circumstance instead of agonizing over it, I could have had the experience, minus the suffering.
Maybe this is a way for me to more deeply understand the idea behind "suffering is optional." In the midst of suffering, it certainly wouldn't be something most anyone would want to hear or be able to comprehend. I could even see some eyes sending out major "death rays" if someone tried to offer that as a "solution" for the momentary pain.
BUT...if one (in this case, me) can get that my circumstances are just moves in the gameboard of life moving me in a direction, then I will look at things with a whole different filter than the one that would have me suffer through a circumstance. This wouldn't mean I would necessarily be without pain, but suffering would be separate, and would only be a part when I allowed it to be by the fact that I wouldn't choose to make the distinction.
I can allow myself to have a myriad of experiences, including painful ones in the name of the game of life. And I can embrace all of the facets, including the suffering card which may be played from time to time. But now that I can see this differently, I may opt to play it less and less, and choose to focus on what the moment has to offer me.
My experience with cancer has at times sucked.
There have been times I have been miserable. But the thing is, I think on some level I have been doing this without realizing it. There are times I state how sucky things are, but I think it is often a statement of my momentary perceptions rather than a statement of suffering. I am often asking questions in the background of these times, and have rarely found myself wallowing in a "woe is me and my circumstance" type of energy.
People have told me that they are amazed at how I have handled things. I never have quite known how else I would be, or how exactly I might be different. As I think about, I have to wonder if this may be the difference between me and someone else who might be in a similar situation who is perceived differently.
Last night I made a video and spoke briefly about the movie It's A Wonderful Life. One thing I didn't say about it seems appropriate here.
When George returns home after realizing how wonderful his life truly is, he is excited. The fact that he could be arrested is wonderful. He totally embraces the parts of his life that he had at one time suffered over. The circustances hadn't changed, but his perspective has.
What if all suffering is is a function of our perspective? If that is true, then if we can - and more importantly are willing to - change our perspective, we can change our experience of the world. And if we change our experience of the world, I suspect it might just be possible that the world we experience might also appear to change. What if the difficulties of the world were redefined in terms of perspective?
What could that do?
I had no idea I was going to start with a perspective cased in facial pain and wind up in the perspective of world pain, but somehow that doesn't surprise me. If you know me, I suspect you aren't surprised, either.
Oddly enough, I am suddenly tired so I am going to try to get a bit of rest. Less than an hour of the flight to go. As much as I would have liked sleep, I somehow think this turned out better.
What do you think? Does any of this resonate for you? If so, please share your thoughts...I am all ears! Thanks. :)
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