Live to Tell the Story

Recently I "stumbled" into a blog from Ryan Woods.  He is someone
who had been diagnosed with a form of cancer in his spine.  When
I first saw the blog, the last entry was last year.  I had to find out if
he was still around.  Sadly, I found this.

There is someone named Kris Carr who also has a blog.  She has a
site called crazysexycancer.com.  She has been through a lot with
cancer, and one day I want to see the video of her story.  The key,
though, is that she is alive and vibrant.

I say that is "key" because there are so many blogs that don't "end
well."  I can't help but tell you that I hope that mine isn't one of them.
I have been having feelings about things lately, and I am really hoping
they are wrong.  There have been some feelings that have been right,
like the fact that I somehow always thought I could wind up with
cancer, but there have been others that have been wrong.

I wish I knew how to tell which ones were which.  It might have me
feeling calmer about what is going on with my body right now.

I really felt that I was "DONE" (in terms of cancer and chemo).  I
really felt like I am moving into a new phase in my life.  I really felt
like I am going to have a great story to tell.

I am making an effort to be careful about the tense that I use.  I am
having a hard time.  I am trying my best to believe that everything
is OK with me.  But I feel like the way I feel is telling me that things
are not exactly OK the way I would like for them to be.

I really hope that this is me overreacting and worrying for nothing.

Regardless of what I find out next week, there is a part of me that
is determined to do whatever I can to continue with what I have
started.  I really don't know how I will if things take an undesired
turn.  But I also don't know that I will have a choice.

I have been doing my best to be calm about my finances, but it isn't
easy.  The clock is ticking, and another $560 is due for my insurance
in the next couple of weeks.

I really don't want to ask yet again for help...but I so do need it.
Every $1 counts.  It really does.  If you and your closest 999 friends
all gave me one, I would have a thousand of them.

There is a way to donate in the right column of this blog, and you
could also Paypal it to thankyou at Jolope.com.  I know it is
difficult to see me asking for this...just imagine how I must feel
having to ask.  This is not the life I want for myself, and I much
rather work for my money than ask you for it.

There is so much I can do.  There is so much I want to do.  If there
is any part of your heart and soul that can help me get to the other
side of this mess, I would be so grateful.  Maybe I can do something
for you or someone you care about, or maybe you could just
consider that you are in some way paying it forward.

Any which way, I am praying that whatever happens is something
that makes my life a life worth living...and gives something to the
world in a way that is unique and positive and affirming.

I was thinking just yesterday, wondering actually, about the
messages that come about life from the Kris Carrs and the Ryan
Woods.  I was wondering if we are meant to learn a thing, or
two, about living from those who are face to face with the
prospect of dying.

I remember the blog of someone else that was dying of cancer
a few years ago.  I read some of what he wrote, but it was hard
to read.  I apparently wasn't able or ready to let the message sink
in.  I guess you allow it when you are ready.  I just wish I was
ready before I ever had my own diagnosis to deal with.

But then
again,
maybe
this
is exactly
where I needed to be.

Comfort & Coping

When I was in the hospital two things that I use for
comfort and coping weren't available to me:  sleep
and food.

I wasn't able to sleep because the hospital was
constantly coming in to check on me, disrupting
my sleep.  Also, for someone who enjoys being by
herself, the disruptions were not exactly welcome,
given the way I was feeling.

After surgery my body needed to get itself to a
place of balance, which unfortunately meant that
eating food wasn't exactly the easiest, or most
comfortable, thing to do.

I wondered how I would get back to being able
to eat again, as uncomfortable as I was, for as long
as I was.

Well...

Somewhere along the line, things changed.

I no longer have discomfort when I eat, and when
asked about my appetite, I say it is "too good."

The part of me that is a stress eater is alive and
well once again.   I have gained about 10 pounds
of those I had lost.

I have been thinking, too, about a relationship I
was in.  It wasn't a good relationship, and I spent
a whole heck of a lot of time in the kitchen baking
and cooking.  Looking back, it was awesome in
some ways, but in others, I think it was how I was
able to cope with a situation that wasn't the best.

As I think about it more, I look at times since then,
and see how I have been so busy and caught up
with other things that I haven't really had the time
to be caught up in cooking that way.  It takes a
lot of time and effort to make things!

One friend of mine (who happens to be a guy)
says his specialty is anything with boiled water.
He does things in a minimalistic fashion whenever
he cooks.  If it has more than a couple of steps
odds are he just ain't gonna do it.

Yesterday I was in the kitchen making things.
I made Pumpkin Muffins, with frosting (just a
little! I needed to know what it taste like), and
also some Greek Potatoes.

It took more energy than I really had.  But I felt
I HAD to do it.  I don't know why, but I feel as
though I need to prove something about how I
feel.  I feel like I need to live, and I haven't been
doing much living lately.

Is making food living?

I am not sure, really.  But it was something that
I haven't been doing much of for a long time, and
there was something that was quite comforting,
if even exhausting, about doing it.

The bonus is that I got some delicious muffins
for several days to come, and discovered a new
food (the potatoes) that was quite yummy.  As
a side note to any cooks out there I should tell you
that Greek Potatoes a day later make for a different
tasting potato salad than "traditional."  You might
consider trying it sometime.

Before I got sick I was trying to stay away from
gluten, and be more mindful of the things that I
eat.   It was really hard looking at packages of
food and thinking about how bad it was for me.

I told myself I didn't want to drive myself crazy.
These days I am eating things I wouldn't have
touched earlier this year/during that time.  I find
myself wondering about the role of food in my
life and in my health.

I have discussed this before to some degreee, as
I have seen people with "unhealthy" habits live
long lives.  Some people I know believe that if
you eat something you enjoy, then you will be
doing something to make your heart feel good.

Others, not so much.

I don't know about you, but I have heard things
like coffee and chocolate and eggs and other
foods are good for you...bad for you...good for
you...bad for you...I can't help but wonder if
there is an "absolute" that isn't able to overturned.

Try as I may to eat more raw - and more "healthy"
foods - I still eat meat.  I know that there are reasons
to stop, based on what we have created, but there
is a part of me that feels, at least for now, that it
is in my best interest to eat meat.

Am I right?  Are others wrong?

How would anyone really know?

I am doing the best I can with what I know, and
am at least shooting to eat the best available
options.  Perhaps one day something will
indicate a change in path, but for now, I am
going to go with what feels right for me.

That isn't always the easiest way to go, especially
when others believe otherwise, and make their
opinions known in a big way.  But then again,
when have I ever wanted to go the direction
others thought I should?  I seem to often go
to the beat of my own drum.

It has given me a life that is at times lonely and
isolating, which could make me ask the question
if what I was doing was the best thing to do.
But ask the question as I might, I have no answer
other than the results my choices dictate.

I am not saying I am unhappy.  But what I am
noting is how things have been.  And how things
have been has given me perspective.  My life has
given me opportunities to stand back and figure
things out.  It has given me the ability to know
what I think and feel and often the ability to know
what feels right.

Often the true indicator of whether a change is
needed, or not, is whether or not the situation
works in its current state.  But even if a change
is deemed necessary, going about making the
change is a whole other story.  Knowing that
I want to do something and actually knowing
HOW to do it are very different things.

I know that my life as it is hasn't been working
terribly well for a while.  I knew that I wanted
to make a change, but felt like I didn't have a
clue as to how, so I kept going the way that I
was going.

The situation I find myself in put the brakes on.
It said NO MORE when I couldn't.  I just wish
I knew what to do now besides,
that is,
SURVIVE.

But...
given I am in Survival Territory,
it is a place to start.