Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Live to Tell the Story

Recently I "stumbled" into a blog from Ryan Woods.  He is someone
who had been diagnosed with a form of cancer in his spine.  When
I first saw the blog, the last entry was last year.  I had to find out if
he was still around.  Sadly, I found this.

There is someone named Kris Carr who also has a blog.  She has a
site called crazysexycancer.com.  She has been through a lot with
cancer, and one day I want to see the video of her story.  The key,
though, is that she is alive and vibrant.

I say that is "key" because there are so many blogs that don't "end
well."  I can't help but tell you that I hope that mine isn't one of them.
I have been having feelings about things lately, and I am really hoping
they are wrong.  There have been some feelings that have been right,
like the fact that I somehow always thought I could wind up with
cancer, but there have been others that have been wrong.

I wish I knew how to tell which ones were which.  It might have me
feeling calmer about what is going on with my body right now.

I really felt that I was "DONE" (in terms of cancer and chemo).  I
really felt like I am moving into a new phase in my life.  I really felt
like I am going to have a great story to tell.

I am making an effort to be careful about the tense that I use.  I am
having a hard time.  I am trying my best to believe that everything
is OK with me.  But I feel like the way I feel is telling me that things
are not exactly OK the way I would like for them to be.

I really hope that this is me overreacting and worrying for nothing.

Regardless of what I find out next week, there is a part of me that
is determined to do whatever I can to continue with what I have
started.  I really don't know how I will if things take an undesired
turn.  But I also don't know that I will have a choice.

I have been doing my best to be calm about my finances, but it isn't
easy.  The clock is ticking, and another $560 is due for my insurance
in the next couple of weeks.

I really don't want to ask yet again for help...but I so do need it.
Every $1 counts.  It really does.  If you and your closest 999 friends
all gave me one, I would have a thousand of them.

There is a way to donate in the right column of this blog, and you
could also Paypal it to thankyou at Jolope.com.  I know it is
difficult to see me asking for this...just imagine how I must feel
having to ask.  This is not the life I want for myself, and I much
rather work for my money than ask you for it.

There is so much I can do.  There is so much I want to do.  If there
is any part of your heart and soul that can help me get to the other
side of this mess, I would be so grateful.  Maybe I can do something
for you or someone you care about, or maybe you could just
consider that you are in some way paying it forward.

Any which way, I am praying that whatever happens is something
that makes my life a life worth living...and gives something to the
world in a way that is unique and positive and affirming.

I was thinking just yesterday, wondering actually, about the
messages that come about life from the Kris Carrs and the Ryan
Woods.  I was wondering if we are meant to learn a thing, or
two, about living from those who are face to face with the
prospect of dying.

I remember the blog of someone else that was dying of cancer
a few years ago.  I read some of what he wrote, but it was hard
to read.  I apparently wasn't able or ready to let the message sink
in.  I guess you allow it when you are ready.  I just wish I was
ready before I ever had my own diagnosis to deal with.

But then
is exactly
where I needed to be.

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