What Makes You Feel Empowered?

I saw something about a woman who is a breast cancer 
survivor who got a chest tattoo. There is a comment from
someone who says something about how he doesn't
see how that could be empowering for anyone.

When I first saw that, I knew I wanted to write something
about it. When I went back to get the link, I noticed that
there were a number of responses to the comment, one
of which speculated on what could be an empowering
reason to do it.

The person who posted the initial comment responded
in a way that acknowledged that person's attempt to
explain it, rather than just jump all over him, as others
had.

I thought that was interesting perspective for me. I wasn't
going to jump all over him for what was said, but I was
definitely jumping on his perspective of what one might
consider empowering.

The last words of the original commenter were, "If you
were really proud of who you are, I would think you
would not give a fuck what anyone else thinks about
your scars, yourself included. THAT is empowering."

I wonder if the person ever had something happen to him
that he felt he couldn't control. I wonder if there was
ever anything about him he wished he could change.

It is one thing to make a choice. It is another thing to
have something thrust upon you.

It is "easy" to say that one can feel empowered in
acceptance of something, and maybe someone can.
At the same time, why is there a need to accept it on
the terms given? If there is something that can be done
to make one feel better about oneself, and it is something
desired by that person and feasible to obtain, then why
not do it?

I did not want to always be reminded that I had a chemo
port. The usual placement is in a place that many would
always see - including me. So I had it placed lower, in
an unusual place.

It was my choice to make the decision, and one may say
it was "empowering." I don't know if being caught between
a rock and a hard place and choosing the rock is empowerment,
but what I do know is that I feel better about where it is
than where it could have been (and yes, I still have it).

And so many have commented about its placement - and
not in a good - or helpful - way.

Who are we to decide what is best for another? Who are
we to decide what is empowering for anyone - except
ourselves?

That commenter may have just been asking a question. It
may just be that how it was said rubbed people the wrong
way because of how they interpreted what he said. In turn,
they judged him.

The series of comments is a reminder to me that words can
sometimes be so inadequate to express how we really feel -
especially when other people are involved.

The woman who got the tattoo expressed a message, too.
But it wasn't necessarily one meant for the masses. It may
have been something deeply personal. It may not have even
been about "empowerment" at all.

You would think by now that since everything can be
translated in so many different ways, we would stop jumping
to conclusions and jumping all over each other. Maybe there
are times we are "right," but I am guessing there is often
something off about our assessments.

I wrote about how I hadn't heard from my friend and her
partner, and took it to mean something it did not mean at all.

I suppose we are wired to see things through our eyes and our
experience. The difficulty with that, though, is that it is possible
that our interpretations of what happens in life are only one
possibility. There are others. And while we are busy overlaying
what we believe to be true over another person's words and
actions, we are likely missing some perspective that helps us
to truly connect to another.

(The irony, of course, is that while we may do it, I don't know
anyone who likes it done to them.)

It occurs to me that when we do what we do, we are reacting
to a person, a comment, a situation. And when we react rarely
are we truly empowered.

We are more likely to have an open mind, and have an opportunity
to make a better choice than a reaction would likely allow, when
we are able to take a step back and consider what we are doing
before we do it.

Because the choices made suit the WHO of who made them, we
just have to be prepared that the what, where, when, how
and why of what we do for us is going to possibly leave others
scratching their head, or butting heads with us because they just
don't understand.

If that is the way things need to be, maybe we could use a little
padding once in a while so we are less likely to hurt each other
in the process. :P

A Scary & Wonderful Thought

For a fleeting moment, I wondered what it would be like
to take a number of melatonin pills.  Would it kill me?

I have on other occasions have had similar thoughts
throughout the course of my life.  I have always been
one to keep those thoughts to myself.  I was sure that
I am the only one who has ever had ideas like this.

But now I am not so sure that is the case.  I see so much
that is not unique to any one person.  I am fairly certain
others have had thoughts like these, and have also been
too embarrassed to say anything.

Of course, if I am wrong, I guess it is too late at this point.
I am already standing out in the field, naked.

At the same time, having had these moments more than
once I can see how terrible it would have been to act on
a moment of despair.  The deepest, darkest moments may
have felt like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of
things, it was a blink of an eye.

In the moment, it may have made perfect sense to "end
it all," but after the moment was passed, not so much.
It didn't mean the things that concerned me were fixed
or gone, but somehow they just didn't carry the weight
they did in those times I contemplated thoughts of
doing something to harm myself.

I think it is interesting how things can sometimes weigh
more than other times.  I don't think it is a conscious
thing, as I don't think I could consciously have told
myself that what I was dealing with was no big deal,
and have believed myself in the midst of the overwhelming
pain I felt.

Emotions are funny things.  I am sure they can serve a
purpose.  At the same time, they have the ability to
carry us away on - or bury us in - a tidal wave that
can leave devastation in its wake.

Have you ever thought about the pieces that make up
"human?"  Have you ever wondered about how they
all come together?  Have you ever wondered if there
are things that we are missing in our experience of
being human?  How it might be that there are many
pieces of being human that can serve a good purpose
that might wind up in more negative territory?

I guess it would be no secret that I have wondered
these things.

Having wondered about them, though, I have come to
no answers or conclusions.  I suspect some think they
know the answers.  Those types of answers often make
good bumper stickers and motivational posters.

It is easier to say "life is a journey" when you are in
the midst of an enjoyable ride than when you are in
a clunker that is breaking down every few miles.
I would tend to think you could enjoy what is
happening around you more when you don't have
to worry about the vehicle you are in.  At the same
time, if you are someone who has to attend to your
vehicle, your journey will likely bring you more
knowledge about cars and/or the people who fix them.
One way or another you will come away from your
experience with something different than the one who
didn't have your same concerns.

Looking through the eyes of most people at this
situation, I think many would likely want to choose
the easier ride if they could.  I suspect in some ways
it is easy to get upset if we think we are having that
experience, but then find out that there are things
along the way that upset the idea of what we think
things are and should be.  I suspect the more we
are out of touch with the things around us, the more
we might be unpleasantly surprised when they
intrude on our experience.

When did we decide that life has to look a certain
way to be "good" or "positive?"  When did these
judgments come into play within the psyche of
some?  I say "some" because the whole world
does not view things in the same way.  There are
those who have different things they value, and
as a result experience things differently.

If I didn't value my backpack, I wouldn't have been
upset when it got torn.  Someone else would just
be glad to have A backpack.

I sometimes see glimmers of understanding that is
yet to be made clear.  It is like something shiny in
the distance.  I can't quite make it out yet.   It may
be something amazing and life changing, or it may
be nothing - and that might just be the point.

I guess it is good that I don't know what to expect.
If I knew maybe I would judge it - and discard it -
before I had a chance to truly understand it.  I
suppose that is part of what the journey of being
me is about...using the experiences that come my
way to truly understand the person I am, and the
person I will come to be.

There was a time in my life that I would look at
others and their lives, and wonder why *I* had to
have such a different life.  I wondered why *I*
had to have so many challenges.  I wondered why
*I* couldn't have been born to other parents.

It was a woe-filled version of me.  One thing I
haven't done with this diagnosis is ask the question,
"why me?"  I have no idea why.  At the same time,
over the last few years I have stopped asking WHY
*ME*?  Now it leans more in just the WHY direction,
and WHAT can I do with it?

I want to understand things.  I want to know what to
do with them.  And when I don't, it is frustrating as
HELL.  People will say things like "trust" and
"have faith" and things that don't seem to help much
when I feel I am drowning.

If this is a time for me to learn, grow, and expand,
I am willing.  I just don't want to feel like I am
drowning in the process.  Right now life is very
scary and uncertain.

It occurs to me that life always is both of those things.
We just tend not to think about it until something we
think is in some ways making us secure is no longer
available.

Makes me wonder if the only real security we have
has nothing to do with what we may think it is.  I
often wonder if a life without things (or a life with a
minimal amount of things) is the life to live.  I wrote
about my things once before, many of which
still sit in boxes in my friend's basement.

There are things I need to clear out of my life.  I can
feel it.  It almost overwhelms me when I think about it.

I suppose once you clear out the things, it is much
easier to focus on yourself.  I don't know about you,
but I don't know too many people who are willing to
truly look at themselves, and then truly SEE themselves.

I am not saying this to judge.  But if I was judging, I
would have to include myself in the judgements.  It
is very clear to me how much easier it is to get lost,
and stay lost, than it is to really see what is truly there.

(As a side note,  as we often tend to identify ourselves
by the distractions of our outer world, I think it likely
we will rarely know who we are, much less know
who anyone else is.  As a result, we often can be divided
by perceptions based on words, beliefs, appearance.  If
we recognized what was "truly there" in terms of ourselves,
then I think it more likely we would, as the Bible says,
love others as ourself.)

Maybe that is why experiences like this happen.

Maybe this is a journey that helps me get distractions
out of the way, and gives me the perspective that leads
me home - to myself.

What a scary and wonderful thought.