For a fleeting moment, I wondered what it would be like
to take a number of melatonin pills. Would it kill me?
I have on other occasions have had similar thoughts
throughout the course of my life. I have always been
one to keep those thoughts to myself. I was sure that
I am the only one who has ever had ideas like this.
But now I am not so sure that is the case. I see so much
that is not unique to any one person. I am fairly certain
others have had thoughts like these, and have also been
too embarrassed to say anything.
Of course, if I am wrong, I guess it is too late at this point.
I am already standing out in the field, naked.
At the same time, having had these moments more than
once I can see how terrible it would have been to act on
a moment of despair. The deepest, darkest moments may
have felt like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of
things, it was a blink of an eye.
In the moment, it may have made perfect sense to "end
it all," but after the moment was passed, not so much.
It didn't mean the things that concerned me were fixed
or gone, but somehow they just didn't carry the weight
they did in those times I contemplated thoughts of
doing something to harm myself.
I think it is interesting how things can sometimes weigh
more than other times. I don't think it is a conscious
thing, as I don't think I could consciously have told
myself that what I was dealing with was no big deal,
and have believed myself in the midst of the overwhelming
pain I felt.
Emotions are funny things. I am sure they can serve a
purpose. At the same time, they have the ability to
carry us away on - or bury us in - a tidal wave that
can leave devastation in its wake.
Have you ever thought about the pieces that make up
"human?" Have you ever wondered about how they
all come together? Have you ever wondered if there
are things that we are missing in our experience of
being human? How it might be that there are many
pieces of being human that can serve a good purpose
that might wind up in more negative territory?
I guess it would be no secret that I have wondered
these things.
Having wondered about them, though, I have come to
no answers or conclusions. I suspect some think they
know the answers. Those types of answers often make
good bumper stickers and motivational posters.
It is easier to say "life is a journey" when you are in
the midst of an enjoyable ride than when you are in
a clunker that is breaking down every few miles.
I would tend to think you could enjoy what is
happening around you more when you don't have
to worry about the vehicle you are in. At the same
time, if you are someone who has to attend to your
vehicle, your journey will likely bring you more
knowledge about cars and/or the people who fix them.
One way or another you will come away from your
experience with something different than the one who
didn't have your same concerns.
Looking through the eyes of most people at this
situation, I think many would likely want to choose
the easier ride if they could. I suspect in some ways
it is easy to get upset if we think we are having that
experience, but then find out that there are things
along the way that upset the idea of what we think
things are and should be. I suspect the more we
are out of touch with the things around us, the more
we might be unpleasantly surprised when they
intrude on our experience.
When did we decide that life has to look a certain
way to be "good" or "positive?" When did these
judgments come into play within the psyche of
some? I say "some" because the whole world
does not view things in the same way. There are
those who have different things they value, and
as a result experience things differently.
If I didn't value my backpack, I wouldn't have been
upset when it got torn. Someone else would just
be glad to have A backpack.
I sometimes see glimmers of understanding that is
yet to be made clear. It is like something shiny in
the distance. I can't quite make it out yet. It may
be something amazing and life changing, or it may
be nothing - and that might just be the point.
I guess it is good that I don't know what to expect.
If I knew maybe I would judge it - and discard it -
before I had a chance to truly understand it. I
suppose that is part of what the journey of being
me is about...using the experiences that come my
way to truly understand the person I am, and the
person I will come to be.
There was a time in my life that I would look at
others and their lives, and wonder why *I* had to
have such a different life. I wondered why *I*
had to have so many challenges. I wondered why
*I* couldn't have been born to other parents.
It was a woe-filled version of me. One thing I
haven't done with this diagnosis is ask the question,
"why me?" I have no idea why. At the same time,
over the last few years I have stopped asking WHY
*ME*? Now it leans more in just the WHY direction,
and WHAT can I do with it?
I want to understand things. I want to know what to
do with them. And when I don't, it is frustrating as
HELL. People will say things like "trust" and
"have faith" and things that don't seem to help much
when I feel I am drowning.
If this is a time for me to learn, grow, and expand,
I am willing. I just don't want to feel like I am
drowning in the process. Right now life is very
scary and uncertain.
It occurs to me that life always is both of those things.
We just tend not to think about it until something we
think is in some ways making us secure is no longer
available.
Makes me wonder if the only real security we have
has nothing to do with what we may think it is. I
often wonder if a life without things (or a life with a
minimal amount of things) is the life to live. I wrote
about my things once before, many of which
still sit in boxes in my friend's basement.
There are things I need to clear out of my life. I can
feel it. It almost overwhelms me when I think about it.
I suppose once you clear out the things, it is much
easier to focus on yourself. I don't know about you,
but I don't know too many people who are willing to
truly look at themselves, and then truly SEE themselves.
I am not saying this to judge. But if I was judging, I
would have to include myself in the judgements. It
is very clear to me how much easier it is to get lost,
and stay lost, than it is to really see what is truly there.
(As a side note, as we often tend to identify ourselves
by the distractions of our outer world, I think it likely
we will rarely know who we are, much less know
who anyone else is. As a result, we often can be divided
by perceptions based on words, beliefs, appearance. If
we recognized what was "truly there" in terms of ourselves,
then I think it more likely we would, as the Bible says,
love others as ourself.)
Maybe that is why experiences like this happen.
Maybe this is a journey that helps me get distractions
out of the way, and gives me the perspective that leads
me home - to myself.
What a scary and wonderful thought.
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