Not Having a Good Day

Yesterday I was in the kitchen.

I was doing some things, and at one point
I had the inner core of a paper towel roll
in my hand, and I just started to bang it
(as much as flimsy cardboard will bang)
against the counter.

I started to do it, and it started to draw
anger out of me. And I did it some more,
and then I started to verbalize.

And I kept doing it for a bit.  Amazing
how much that core took.  It probably
could have gone a few more rounds.

As I was banging against the countertop,
I was saying that I had had enough.  That
I was tired of being sick.  That I was tired
of a life of barely getting by.  That I was
tired of being hidden.  Tired of not knowing
what to do.

Tired.

I found myself talking to whatever might
have been within earshot (God? Angels?
Guides? No one?) and saying enough was
enough.  This was no life.  I had much to
offer the world, and there must be a reason
for me to offer it, so why in the world can
I not get it "out there."

Many times I have had these "conversations,"
some more calm than others.  This, obviously,
was not one of the more calm times.

I found myself crying, too - just like I am
as I write this.

Prior to sitting down to write what I have
been feeling and thinking I was working
on some new artistic work.  As I was doing
it I was having a hard time in my mind.

I found myself thinking about my life and
the obstacles I face at the moment.  I was
thinking about my frustrations the last few
years and how I just don't know what to do.

Then I added in the medical bills and the
financial uncertainties, and how without
knowing how I am going to make a living,
I don't know exactly where I will live, and
I don't know how I am going to make it.

I feel like this might sound fairly dramatic,
but I don't really have options, at least not
obvious ones.  And the thought of not having
the resources to take care of myself and the
inability to create them - for whatever
frustrating reason that is - not only scares
me, but makes me wonder if I should even
be here.

And that scares me, too.

I don't want to give up.  I really don't.  But
I just don't know what to do.  It is one thing
to not know what to do and be healthy, but
it is another thing to have something that
could very easily just end it all.

In my mind I also imagined a movie like
scenario of someone who had given up.
But in the middle of giving up, they suddenly
realize that they don't want to die.  They, in
turn, have to fight the wheels that have been
set in motion.  He is told that he is being
given what he wanted, what he agreed to.
He is told that he has no choice.

I suppose since it is the work of my
imagination, he can find a way to come
back and live life.  At the same time,
I am so stymied in my own life that
I don't know how that would happen.

So many times in movies, and in relation
to some of The Secret "gurus," there seems
to be a way that things just "magically" work
out when you know what you want.

I have had a few occasions like that.  But
then I have had many more occasions where
things just did not work out the way I wanted
them to...no where near.

Of course, I must have been doing it "wrong,"
right?  I have a hard time believing that.  I
have heard "desire is prayer," and that you
are never given a desire that you cannot
fulfill.  Well...I have had many desires that
have not been fulfilled, and at this point,
never will.

When I think about this, I can't imagine that
I am the only one with this experience.  And
I also can't imagine that I am the only one who
is stymied.  And I can't imagine that I am the
only one who is in a situation like this.

And when I think about it, I think there has to
be something more.  I figure there has to be.
But then, as I type it, I wonder if there is
anything more, or if it is just a desperate need
to find something that makes sense that has me
not settle for an answer that doesn't really
seem to help.

Maybe the answer is that there isn't one.

Maybe the answer is that there isn't JUST
one.

I really don't freaking know.  I just have to
hope that somewhere in the midst of all of
this pain and anguish and uncertainty I will
get to wherever I am meant to get to.

UGH.
I hate the sound of that.
It sounds so...
unhelpful.

If there is no problem to fix...as per my previous
blog entries...then...what exactly do I have?  I
wonder, as I scratch my nearly bald head.

It is so easy to theorize and ponder things when
you don't really need to deal with anything
significant.  It is so easy to create positive things,
and read positive sayings and in general think
you understand the point of what is being
expressed - when there is nothing immediate
pulling on you.

Yeah.
Those things SOUND good.

But when you are in the midst of something that
suddenly, truly turns your life upside down and
your emotions inside out, I would have to say
their messages for me often come off in a very
different - sometimes unwelcome - way.

It is one thing to hear the words.  It is another thing
to live with something that challenges them, and
pretty much damn near everything else, too.

Not having a good day.

Well...if I was going to be fair,
it hasn't all been bad.

So hard to be fair right now, though.

Ruminations on Judgement, Harmony, and Fixing Things

Several years ago I was working several jobs
(4!) and making no money.  I was in trouble
financially, and looked at getting some sort
of public assistance.

Ironically I made too much money to get
help at the time.  I promise you it wasn't
much, but apparently you have to have
nothing to get something.

At the time, though, I did try.  And the
experience was demoralizing.  It was
humiliating.  It felt degrading.

The way people who were in my position
at the time were treated was not in any
way kind or humane.

Of course, that could have just been my
story about it, given where I was mentally.

Regardless of whether I made it up or not,
I remember thinking that if anyone was
ever in the position I was in, they should
be treated with kindness and respect.

It wasn't that I was looking to get something
for nothing.  It wasn't that I wasn't looking
to work.

I also remember thinking that there were
people who weren't even US citizens who
were getting treated better, and had access
to more, than I did.  (I don't really want to
get political in that statement, but it was
my experience).

I felt there had to be others that weren't
trying to scam the system who just needed
some help, and shouldn't feel ashamed for
it.  I knew if I ever was in a position to help,
I would want to.  I even thought about
starting an organization that could be
available to those in need.

I never got there.

Now I am in a situation where I need help
again.  This time it is different.   I can't work,
at least not easily.

I am wondering how many others are in a
similar position of needing help, not just
financially, but in terms of hand holding to
get things done.  I am wondering how many
could benefit from the type of work I do
that could be beneficial for their healing
and attitude, but wouldn't be able to afford it.

I am wondering what could be created that
could be/would be helpful for others.  I am
wondering if there is something I could do
on the other side of this that would be helpful
to people.

Helpful, without too many restrictions.

I imagine there need to be some parameters
around things, but I have to think there has
to be a way to help others who need help.

I have found in this experience that there are
organizations that can and will help - IF you
have the "right" kind of cancer.

I don't know exactly where I am going with
this.  I just know that my life experiences have
me see things that tell me what others may be
feeling, and more than just helping myself,
it makes me want to find a way to help others.

We all have experiences of life that vary from
one to another.  Some are so extreme in their
appearance, they are hard to comprehend by
others at the other end of the spectrum.

The political talk these days is very much an
example of this.  But it is more than just talk.
It is very much what I think humanity in
general has difficulty with.  Many people are
unable to comprehend another's situation and
plight if not themselves in it.

It is one thing to not understand.  It is another
to disregard and criticize and judge.  However
it seems that it is all rolled up into one big ball
that very few are willing to even consider
unravelling.  To be fair, it could be so balled
up,  it could just be they don't even realize
there is any unravelling to be done.

I can't help but wonder why I am in a position
to know these things, if I am not able to do
anything about it.  Maybe there is something
I could do...but how would I go about it?

I am good at many things, but having a business
head isn't one of them.  I would need someone
to help me to create the framework for the idea.
I would need someone to help me implement
the idea, and manage it.  I would need a lot of
help.  And it's not like I know people who could
do these things.  I am sure I could find some who
would be willing to help, but would also wanting
to be paid.

Nothing wrong with that, but I just don't know
how to get past this place.  Wanting to get past
it, is one thing, knowing how, is something all
together different.  Plus, having the physical
ability to do so is also in question at the moment.

But I share this here because who knows, maybe
there is something that will speak to you.  Maybe
you know someone who could be of some help.
Maybe something unexpected will come of this.
Maybe you know of an organization like what
I am talking about.  Maybe it will inspire someone
to create one.

Or maybe...nothing.

As I type that, I am sad.  My heart is in the
right place, I just hate to think that there is no
way to have the ability to help others who need
the help.  I just hate to think that maybe I am
someone who could do something, but for
whatever reason is stymied.   I just hate to think
that there are so many people like myself who
are caught in a place that seems limited when
there is so much available.

I remember wondering years ago how much
farther I could go down.  How much worse
could bad get?

Not the best thing to be wondering.

But things were so bad, it was where my attention
was.  I can see how others might feel the same
as I did then.  I can see how easy it is to focus
on what is right in front of you.

I want to change that.  It is something that I
am aware of every day, especially now.  That
is why you see me on this loverly rollercoaster.
It takes effort to be somewhere I am not,
especially when I don't know what is
unconsciously guiding and affecting me.

At the same time, I find myself wanting to
acknowledge where I am, as it is part of what
seems to drive me to want to do and be more.
It is also part of what it is to be human.  So
if I deny how I feel, then I deny myself the
"benefit" of an experience.

It seems to me that a balance of some sort
needs to be struck.  So much of the culture
that I have seen the last few years is about
being positive.  It is about the power of
focus and desire - IF you are doing it right.

"Obviously" if you are not where you want
to be and/or struggling, you are probably
not doing it right.  In that case, I have been
doing everything wrong.  I somehow do
not believe that.  But what I don't know is
exactly what to replace it with.

What I would guess is that there are many
who hear these things, and who are told
the "secrets" to things, but find themselves
left wanting.  I would imagine it makes
some feel like a failure.  I would imagine
there are people who feel let down by the
idea, or worse, themselves.  Maybe they
think they are the only one to have this
experience.

I don't know about you, but I am beginning
to think that this "stuff" is just another
possible way of making people feel "wrong"
about what is their life.  Something to fix.
Someone to fix.

FIX. FIX. FIX.

The underlying attitude is everywhere.
Make up.
Clothing.
Diet.
Relationships.
Job.

If there are things to be fixed, then there are
things and attitudes and people that have to
be labelled as WRONG.  What if the things
weren't wrong?  What if they were just...
DIFFERENT?  And so often different equals
wrong.

What would our world be like if we didn't
make other people's experiences wrong or
bad?  What would it be like if we just saw
different without a judgment of bad?

Would we act differently toward one another?
Would we do more to help another?  As I
think about it, so much is laced with judgment,
it is difficult to imagine what a leveling of the
field would be like.

Of course there is a conversation about the
need for judgment that could be had.  For
the record, I am not saying we shouldn't have
any.  But at the same time, I am saying that
it may be too broadly applied.  Is another
person - or their experience of life - meant to
be judged by us?  Are we meant to overlay
our experience of life on another?

I would say no.  At the same time,
how much of life is
spent doing exactly that?

I would think that what we might be meant
to do is to take our perspectives of others and
our experience of life and use it in relation
to ourselves.  Perhaps it is about seeing where
we stand in relation to our own life.   And when
we do what works for us, and speaks to us,
we find others that we fit with and are in
some sort of harmony with.

Maybe the reason we don't have harmony
is because we are too busy judging what
doesn't appear to be harmonious with us
and what we believe.  Is it that much easier
to see the differences than the similarities?

It certainly seems so, as I think about it.
It certainly seems it would be a greater
challenge to find what is the same or
similar than to see the one thing that
stands out.  Somehow I can't help but
wonder if the greater reward is in our
willingness to seek things out.

If that is the case,
that certainly means *I*
have got work to do.

Thanks for listening.