Ruminations on Judgement, Harmony, and Fixing Things

Several years ago I was working several jobs
(4!) and making no money.  I was in trouble
financially, and looked at getting some sort
of public assistance.

Ironically I made too much money to get
help at the time.  I promise you it wasn't
much, but apparently you have to have
nothing to get something.

At the time, though, I did try.  And the
experience was demoralizing.  It was
humiliating.  It felt degrading.

The way people who were in my position
at the time were treated was not in any
way kind or humane.

Of course, that could have just been my
story about it, given where I was mentally.

Regardless of whether I made it up or not,
I remember thinking that if anyone was
ever in the position I was in, they should
be treated with kindness and respect.

It wasn't that I was looking to get something
for nothing.  It wasn't that I wasn't looking
to work.

I also remember thinking that there were
people who weren't even US citizens who
were getting treated better, and had access
to more, than I did.  (I don't really want to
get political in that statement, but it was
my experience).

I felt there had to be others that weren't
trying to scam the system who just needed
some help, and shouldn't feel ashamed for
it.  I knew if I ever was in a position to help,
I would want to.  I even thought about
starting an organization that could be
available to those in need.

I never got there.

Now I am in a situation where I need help
again.  This time it is different.   I can't work,
at least not easily.

I am wondering how many others are in a
similar position of needing help, not just
financially, but in terms of hand holding to
get things done.  I am wondering how many
could benefit from the type of work I do
that could be beneficial for their healing
and attitude, but wouldn't be able to afford it.

I am wondering what could be created that
could be/would be helpful for others.  I am
wondering if there is something I could do
on the other side of this that would be helpful
to people.

Helpful, without too many restrictions.

I imagine there need to be some parameters
around things, but I have to think there has
to be a way to help others who need help.

I have found in this experience that there are
organizations that can and will help - IF you
have the "right" kind of cancer.

I don't know exactly where I am going with
this.  I just know that my life experiences have
me see things that tell me what others may be
feeling, and more than just helping myself,
it makes me want to find a way to help others.

We all have experiences of life that vary from
one to another.  Some are so extreme in their
appearance, they are hard to comprehend by
others at the other end of the spectrum.

The political talk these days is very much an
example of this.  But it is more than just talk.
It is very much what I think humanity in
general has difficulty with.  Many people are
unable to comprehend another's situation and
plight if not themselves in it.

It is one thing to not understand.  It is another
to disregard and criticize and judge.  However
it seems that it is all rolled up into one big ball
that very few are willing to even consider
unravelling.  To be fair, it could be so balled
up,  it could just be they don't even realize
there is any unravelling to be done.

I can't help but wonder why I am in a position
to know these things, if I am not able to do
anything about it.  Maybe there is something
I could do...but how would I go about it?

I am good at many things, but having a business
head isn't one of them.  I would need someone
to help me to create the framework for the idea.
I would need someone to help me implement
the idea, and manage it.  I would need a lot of
help.  And it's not like I know people who could
do these things.  I am sure I could find some who
would be willing to help, but would also wanting
to be paid.

Nothing wrong with that, but I just don't know
how to get past this place.  Wanting to get past
it, is one thing, knowing how, is something all
together different.  Plus, having the physical
ability to do so is also in question at the moment.

But I share this here because who knows, maybe
there is something that will speak to you.  Maybe
you know someone who could be of some help.
Maybe something unexpected will come of this.
Maybe you know of an organization like what
I am talking about.  Maybe it will inspire someone
to create one.

Or maybe...nothing.

As I type that, I am sad.  My heart is in the
right place, I just hate to think that there is no
way to have the ability to help others who need
the help.  I just hate to think that maybe I am
someone who could do something, but for
whatever reason is stymied.   I just hate to think
that there are so many people like myself who
are caught in a place that seems limited when
there is so much available.

I remember wondering years ago how much
farther I could go down.  How much worse
could bad get?

Not the best thing to be wondering.

But things were so bad, it was where my attention
was.  I can see how others might feel the same
as I did then.  I can see how easy it is to focus
on what is right in front of you.

I want to change that.  It is something that I
am aware of every day, especially now.  That
is why you see me on this loverly rollercoaster.
It takes effort to be somewhere I am not,
especially when I don't know what is
unconsciously guiding and affecting me.

At the same time, I find myself wanting to
acknowledge where I am, as it is part of what
seems to drive me to want to do and be more.
It is also part of what it is to be human.  So
if I deny how I feel, then I deny myself the
"benefit" of an experience.

It seems to me that a balance of some sort
needs to be struck.  So much of the culture
that I have seen the last few years is about
being positive.  It is about the power of
focus and desire - IF you are doing it right.

"Obviously" if you are not where you want
to be and/or struggling, you are probably
not doing it right.  In that case, I have been
doing everything wrong.  I somehow do
not believe that.  But what I don't know is
exactly what to replace it with.

What I would guess is that there are many
who hear these things, and who are told
the "secrets" to things, but find themselves
left wanting.  I would imagine it makes
some feel like a failure.  I would imagine
there are people who feel let down by the
idea, or worse, themselves.  Maybe they
think they are the only one to have this
experience.

I don't know about you, but I am beginning
to think that this "stuff" is just another
possible way of making people feel "wrong"
about what is their life.  Something to fix.
Someone to fix.

FIX. FIX. FIX.

The underlying attitude is everywhere.
Make up.
Clothing.
Diet.
Relationships.
Job.

If there are things to be fixed, then there are
things and attitudes and people that have to
be labelled as WRONG.  What if the things
weren't wrong?  What if they were just...
DIFFERENT?  And so often different equals
wrong.

What would our world be like if we didn't
make other people's experiences wrong or
bad?  What would it be like if we just saw
different without a judgment of bad?

Would we act differently toward one another?
Would we do more to help another?  As I
think about it, so much is laced with judgment,
it is difficult to imagine what a leveling of the
field would be like.

Of course there is a conversation about the
need for judgment that could be had.  For
the record, I am not saying we shouldn't have
any.  But at the same time, I am saying that
it may be too broadly applied.  Is another
person - or their experience of life - meant to
be judged by us?  Are we meant to overlay
our experience of life on another?

I would say no.  At the same time,
how much of life is
spent doing exactly that?

I would think that what we might be meant
to do is to take our perspectives of others and
our experience of life and use it in relation
to ourselves.  Perhaps it is about seeing where
we stand in relation to our own life.   And when
we do what works for us, and speaks to us,
we find others that we fit with and are in
some sort of harmony with.

Maybe the reason we don't have harmony
is because we are too busy judging what
doesn't appear to be harmonious with us
and what we believe.  Is it that much easier
to see the differences than the similarities?

It certainly seems so, as I think about it.
It certainly seems it would be a greater
challenge to find what is the same or
similar than to see the one thing that
stands out.  Somehow I can't help but
wonder if the greater reward is in our
willingness to seek things out.

If that is the case,
that certainly means *I*
have got work to do.

Thanks for listening.