Come to the Edge...

So many things swirling inside me at the moment.  So many.

I am really sad today for so many reasons, many of which
I don't think I could identify - mainly because I haven't
pinpointed why I am truly upset.

Part of it has to do with "A."  I so feel like I should just get
over it, and get on with it.  I have no idea how much time
I have, so do I really want to spend energy on someone who
is through with me?

I saw a quote today that I believe was from Marianne Williamson,
and it was something to the effect that living in the present is
the best way to get over the past.

As with many things...so easy to say.

In the past I felt "A's" love. In the past I thought I had someone
who really loved me and cared about me, and was going to be
someone I was going to have a great story to tell one day about.
In the past, I thought I had finally found "the" one.  In the past,
there was such sweetness coming from him, and we shared an
incredible connection.  In the past, I had someone that I could
lean on, and someone I thought was there for me, even when
we couldn't physically be together.

In the present, I don't have any of that.

It hurts so much.

It is such a deep, searing pain.

To be fair, I am fairly certain that part of the pain has nothing
to do with him.  I am fairly certain it has something to do with
the pain of a child who felt abandoned by her own parents.

In some logical way, I can see this as a good thing.  I can see
his leaving as a way for me to feel - and deal - with the pain
rather than covering it up.  I can say this, even as I am sitting
here, typing through sobs and blurred vision from the tears.

I don't want to leave this life without feeling like there is one
person who loves me madly, deeply, completely - and isn't
going anywhere.  If I was to die from cancer, I know that
would be really selfish on my part.  But I certainly hope not
to.

I know we are supposed to love ourselves.  I know that people
say you can't love someone else without truly loving yourself.
But I don't know if I believe that.  I have madly, deeply,
completely loved some people in my life. I suppose I should
feel good about that.  How many have a chance to love the
way I did with as many as I have?

But could ONE please come and STAY.  Especially at this
point in my life.  My heart center hurts so much.  It feels like
there is a crater there.  I have done the best I can.  I have loved
with an open heart.  I have loved without expectation.  I
have so much to give to someone.

And yet, so many someones have chosen other paths.

When the time for me to die comes, I want to be in love with
life.  I want to be in love.

I think there is a little girl inside of me terrified to be alone.
I remember as a kid wondering what would happen to me
if my grandparents died.  There was an underlying sense of
insecurity.  I am wondering if I never got over it, if I never
dealt with it.  But even if that is the case, it doesn't seem right
to me that I can't seem to be with someone.  Why can't I heal
through knowing that someone can be there for me?  Why
can't I have someone that can love me in that way?

And why is it that I keep opening my heart?  I know that
closing it is not the way to go.  I know it.  I am so certain.
And yet it takes everything I have to continue to do that.
I don't know if "A" realizes, or even cares, what an incredible
gift I gave him.  It took everything I had to open myself up
to him.  So much told me not to.  I was terrified.  But there
was something bigger and stronger that told me to.

And this is what I got as a result?

I did it knowing that things might not work.  I did it knowing
that nothing is certain.  I did it without any assurances.
I just did it.

How can something that was once so incredibly, amazingly
beautiful end with such a painful thunk?

I just want to scream.  I just want to yell.  I just want to die.

I know I shouldn't say that.  The last time I said anything
that resembled that was only a couple of months before I
was diagnosed.  Some people say that words have energy.
But I don't see how not saying it makes a difference. If
anything, I would think it would help to get it out of me.

Who the fuck knows?

Who the fuck knows anything?  I certainly don't know a
damn thing other than what I know this moment which is
that I am in a whole lot of pain.  That I am sobbing.  That
I can hardly breathe.  That I wish I could stop feeling what
I am feeling. I wish it could just stop.

It feels like a release I have never had before.  Maybe I
needed to get to this point.  This horrible, painful point.
This point that my nose is so full I can't even breathe.

I told "A" I hated him at one point.  I feel so much anger
coming up inside of me.  At first it felt like it was in relation
to him, but the feeling of "how could you just leave me
like that and stop loving me?" feels more like it belongs to
my mother and/or my father.  And, who knows, maybe
even my grandparents for them leaving me sooner than I
was ready.

Would I have ever been ready?

How does one know how to be ready?  How does one
feel safe? secure?  Most of my life I feel like I lived on a
precipice of impending disaster.  As an adult, though,
you are supposed to know how to deal with things.  You
are supposed to have it together.  In the process of pretending
to get it all together, I wonder how much hurt and pain and
devastation I have covered up.

I have a feeling this could be a water shed moment for me.
Living on the edge of disaster is no way to live.  I never
recognized this before...the way I was living,
or the realization of how I have been living.

But that is exactly what it has been.  And when I have
felt like I loved someone it was like my attention was
elsewhere.  It was like I had some peace.  No wonder,
in some part, this feels so devastating.  Unconsciously
feeling love for someone who gave me the experience
of love back was a way I was rescued from that feeling
of impending doom.  I feel like I have lost the love, and
the doom returns.

Damn unconscious mind.

I say that with the full awareness that I always tell people
that it is just trying to help us in the choices it makes,
and that it goes with what it knows.  And my unconscious
felt it knew that love would save me from precipice of
devastation so love was a good thing.  The only problem
comes when the love no longer is.  It tried to "save" me,
but it had no say over what another would choose.

And for as special as each person and each time has been,
each one has been increasingly more painful at the end.
I would have thought it was the depth to which I opened
my heart, but I now am thinking that it isn't so much that
as the fact that returning to the precipice has me that much
closer to the scary edge.

Maybe each one of these experiences has served to bring
me to the edge to show me that I would be OK here.
Maybe it got me closer and closer because it was the
only way I would see it.

I still think my heart was open...but love is such a beautiful
thing that the pain has to come from somewhere/something
else.

I am calmer now.

Significantly.

I guess I really did hit on something tonight.

Thank you, "A."

Freaking out & Missing "A"

Tonight I started to freak out a bit.

I checked my bank account, and it is running pretty low.

I feel like I am "running as fast as I can" to make things
work, business-wise.  But I am scared I am going to
run out of funds.

I just sent a slew of emails to a bunch of FB friends
asking for  help.  Some of the people I don't even know
that well.  But I need help.  I figure I can ask.  Worst
thing that will happen is they either will ignore me or
not help me.

If I wasn't in such a need, I wouldn't have done it.
I have many more to send.  I really have nothing to
lose at this point.

Although there was a brand new friend that I think
I may have scared off.  He asked how I was, and I
told him since he asked I was going to be bold and
tell him.

I sent him the email I was sending everyone else.  He
asked me to talk to him, so I told him what was going
on.  I then got silence.   I asked if he was there.   He
told me he had no money to give me.  My email says
I need help, and it asks if a person would consider
telling others of my need.  I also mention what I am
doing, and give a link to relatingtocancer.com as well
as my gofundme page and this blog.

I tried to paint a bigger picture with the email.  Is it
perfect?  Probably not.  But how perfect can it be?
I need help.  I need help now.  How many ways can
I say I need help?

On top of this wonderful development, I am missing
A.  He and I have gone back and forth a few times
in emails, as he will not talk to me.  I am still stunned
by what happened.

He claims he was just hanging around because he
was trying to be supportive.  As wonderful as that
may seem, it wasn't so wonderful as I had feelings
for him that only grew since it seemed he was going
to be sticking around through all that I was going
through.

Well. I was wrong.

Right after writing the above, a friend contacted me.
She asked if I needed to talk.  I was very emotional,
and was starting to cry by that time. I told her that
I would want to talk - as long as she was OK if I
was in tears.

As I spoke with her I sobbed and my body was
shaking.  So many things going on.  I feel not only
overwhelmed, but like it is just too much.  And,
as I was saying, I miss A.  In the past just knowing
he was there gave me comfort.

Now...he says he sees me as a "sister."  Not even
sure what that means.  But we can't Skype any more.
I am "free" to send him emails or contact him on
FB if I want. I don't think he gets how I feel, or
maybe why I feel the way I do.  He has apparently
moved on, so somehow I am supposed to just be
OK with what has happened.  Never mind the fact
that while he was busy moving away I was moving
closer because of what I believed to be what we
had between us.

I wonder if you are thinking what I think you might
be thinking:  she says she's intuitive, how could she
not know?

Well, for starters, a lot of times it isn't always easy
to clearly see things for ourselves.  Having said that,
though, I think I did know.  The problem was that
when I tried to get him to say things, and give him
chances to say how he felt, he never took them.  So
it made me think maybe my feeling was wrong.

Things were off between us for some time, but I
didn't quite know what to put my finger on.
Because I had asked him to tell me if his feelings
changed, and he wasn't telling me, I thought perhaps
we could just be going through a "phase" given my
treatment and since I thought we had an "us" I was
trying to be patient, and not make something out
of nothing.

Interestingly, I thought something was off, and
when I spoke with someone she said I was needy.
Maybe you even remember the blog entry that I
wrote about it.  Still didn't think I was "needy," I
just think I was picking up on something that wasn't
seeming to make any sense to me.

So in some ways, I knew.  And it is what prompted
me to write him and ask him what was up.  It was
that letter that gave him his out, and he took it.

I thought I was somebody to him, but given the
way he has treated me, I feel like I went from a
somebody to a nobody.  I know that isn't quite
accurate.  I doubt he would have hung around if
I was a total nobody.  But compared to what I
believed to be true, I was certainly no longer the
somebody I thought I was.

I also thought I was dealing with this.  But tonight
showed me not so much.  I really am missing him
like crazy.  I used to send text messages at times,
and now there is no reason to.  I used to like feeling
connected to him, and now he has stepped back in
a HUGE way.

I really don't understand what happened, even though
he did his best to explain it to me.

He says he wants to be friends.   I don't know if he
knows what that means.  But then again, maybe I just
don't know what it means for him to be someone's
friend.  Apparently it looks nothing like what I was
getting.

I told him in time I would get over what I felt.  But I
also told him that I need to feel what I feel, and I am
sorry if it bothers him.  I told him that the depth of
what I feel now is in direct proportion to what I felt
for him, and how deeply I felt it.  If I just walked away
without emotion and calmly it would say that everything
that I ever told him was not true.

The pain I feel is only a natural thing that would follow,
give how much I came to care for him.

And damn, it sucks.

The Results Are In

I debated about just going to bed when I got home.

I am exhausted.

I started the day crying so hard my eyelids were
swollen and my eyes redder than red.

I was crying about something I am not yet ready
to talk about in detail. But I will say I was crying
in part because I had asked someone to please
respect a wish of mine which they did not.  I told
the person that it would be worse for me if my
wish was not respected.

And I am pretty sure I was right.

Part of the timing was my own fault.  My intuition
kept telling me something was off.  I needed to
know what was really up so I expressed myself
yesterday.  I got my response today.

I know I am upset about other things.  I know
that the strength of my upset is too strong for
"just" this, but it doesn't help to know that
logically when I don't really know what is at
the foundation of it all which means I don't
really know how to deal with it.

I was really emotional all day today and I had
to do a number of things, as I had a pet scan last
night.  One of my appointments was to find out
the results of the scan.

This morning I was so emotional I just wanted
to chuck the whole damn day.  I didn't want to
deal with anything.  At the same time, I knew
I needed to respect the people who I had
appointments with.

There were a lot of spontaneous tears and
sobbing - and I was holding back.

On top of everything else, I think that the last
several months have hit me - now - hard.  I
think I might have been in part survivor mode
and part denial mode to get through all that I
have gone through.

I think it has just now hit me the significance
of it all.  And I wondered what the scan would
show.  The implications - either way - were
a big deal.  If I needed more chemo, it would
suck.  If I didn't need more chemo it would
suck.

Why would I say that second sentence?  It
probably seems odd.

I say it because I am in the aftermath of treatment.
Treatment ends, and I still have the effects of
chemo running through me for 6 months to a year.

I need to be cancer free for two years for there to
be a good chance that it will never come back.
If I go and find a place to live - provided I am
able to work out a way to get my business back
and an income - I run the risk of being really
screwed with a lease if I have a recurrence.

I am going to have to move sometime in the next
several months, and I have no clue where I can
go.  Any option that might be even remotely
possible is not necessarily a good one for me
emotionally, which likely means it is not a good
one for me physically.

Some people think I could live with my mom.
But my mom has never said it or suggested it.
I don't think it is a good idea.  I think I would
have to be pretty desperate to even consider it.

One day I will share more about my dynamic with
her.  Suffice it to say for now that I didn't grow
up with her and she has yet to ask me how I am
financially, or ask if I need help, or offer any
assistance.

There are so many issues.
So many concerns.
So many questions.

And now...

Today I got the news that I had a totally clear
scan.  No asterisk.

That should be good news, right?

I should be thrilled, shouldn't I?

Instead, I am sitting here thinking that I am now
going to live, and for what?

I know that may sound terrible.

But before this my business was hurting.
Now I am financially crippled and don't
even have a business.  And while I am
no longer doing chemo, it still affects
me in a number of ways that aren't exactly
beneficial or helpful regarding to moving
forward.

I NEED to breathe.

And I don't know how to.

I feel so stressed. And worried.

I also feel so alone.  Someone tried to tell
me that I should join a support group.
They tried to tell me I am not alone.

Yes.  People talk to me.  But I need HELP.
I need TANGIBLE HELP.  I need more than
just words of support.  I can't live - and pay
bills - on those words.

And I don't know how to get it.

I have asked.  And I know people are
reading what I write, but very little happens.

I don't know what to do.

And now there is no longer any sign of
cancer.   And if I want to keep it that way
I am going to have to do whatever I can
to aid that process.

It scares me that I may be living and not
be sure why I am here, unable to do what
I am capable of, and suffering financially.

It also scares me that a part of me may
want to die enough that I could possibly
help to bring it back.  A short time before
I was diagnosed I was in tears talking to
someone and said that if I died then I
would be OK with it.

Kinda ironic, don't you think?

I keep hearing, "Now what?" echoing in
my head.

I want to make a difference for others.
And I do.  Often.  And others have told
me how great it is that I have made a
difference.  But often it is not with
payment.  As nice as it is to know that
I impact others, and maybe get karma
points, I need to make a living.

How can I function if I can't pay bills?

This so sucks.  There are no words that
can convey how I really feel.  Even though
I have just used a lot of words to attempt to
get somewhere in the vicinity.

I really want to retreat.

Maybe I will.

I need a break.  A break from the reality
that seems to be my life.  I just don't know
how to get it.  Wherever I go, there I am.
I can't get away from me.

Ugh.

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The World Goes Round (Poem) | Video

I wrote this a long time ago, but only
put it on video a few years ago.

I guess I am in a sharing and poetic
mood tonight.



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Not Having a Good Day

Yesterday I was in the kitchen.

I was doing some things, and at one point
I had the inner core of a paper towel roll
in my hand, and I just started to bang it
(as much as flimsy cardboard will bang)
against the counter.

I started to do it, and it started to draw
anger out of me. And I did it some more,
and then I started to verbalize.

And I kept doing it for a bit.  Amazing
how much that core took.  It probably
could have gone a few more rounds.

As I was banging against the countertop,
I was saying that I had had enough.  That
I was tired of being sick.  That I was tired
of a life of barely getting by.  That I was
tired of being hidden.  Tired of not knowing
what to do.

Tired.

I found myself talking to whatever might
have been within earshot (God? Angels?
Guides? No one?) and saying enough was
enough.  This was no life.  I had much to
offer the world, and there must be a reason
for me to offer it, so why in the world can
I not get it "out there."

Many times I have had these "conversations,"
some more calm than others.  This, obviously,
was not one of the more calm times.

I found myself crying, too - just like I am
as I write this.

Prior to sitting down to write what I have
been feeling and thinking I was working
on some new artistic work.  As I was doing
it I was having a hard time in my mind.

I found myself thinking about my life and
the obstacles I face at the moment.  I was
thinking about my frustrations the last few
years and how I just don't know what to do.

Then I added in the medical bills and the
financial uncertainties, and how without
knowing how I am going to make a living,
I don't know exactly where I will live, and
I don't know how I am going to make it.

I feel like this might sound fairly dramatic,
but I don't really have options, at least not
obvious ones.  And the thought of not having
the resources to take care of myself and the
inability to create them - for whatever
frustrating reason that is - not only scares
me, but makes me wonder if I should even
be here.

And that scares me, too.

I don't want to give up.  I really don't.  But
I just don't know what to do.  It is one thing
to not know what to do and be healthy, but
it is another thing to have something that
could very easily just end it all.

In my mind I also imagined a movie like
scenario of someone who had given up.
But in the middle of giving up, they suddenly
realize that they don't want to die.  They, in
turn, have to fight the wheels that have been
set in motion.  He is told that he is being
given what he wanted, what he agreed to.
He is told that he has no choice.

I suppose since it is the work of my
imagination, he can find a way to come
back and live life.  At the same time,
I am so stymied in my own life that
I don't know how that would happen.

So many times in movies, and in relation
to some of The Secret "gurus," there seems
to be a way that things just "magically" work
out when you know what you want.

I have had a few occasions like that.  But
then I have had many more occasions where
things just did not work out the way I wanted
them to...no where near.

Of course, I must have been doing it "wrong,"
right?  I have a hard time believing that.  I
have heard "desire is prayer," and that you
are never given a desire that you cannot
fulfill.  Well...I have had many desires that
have not been fulfilled, and at this point,
never will.

When I think about this, I can't imagine that
I am the only one with this experience.  And
I also can't imagine that I am the only one who
is stymied.  And I can't imagine that I am the
only one who is in a situation like this.

And when I think about it, I think there has to
be something more.  I figure there has to be.
But then, as I type it, I wonder if there is
anything more, or if it is just a desperate need
to find something that makes sense that has me
not settle for an answer that doesn't really
seem to help.

Maybe the answer is that there isn't one.

Maybe the answer is that there isn't JUST
one.

I really don't freaking know.  I just have to
hope that somewhere in the midst of all of
this pain and anguish and uncertainty I will
get to wherever I am meant to get to.

UGH.
I hate the sound of that.
It sounds so...
unhelpful.

If there is no problem to fix...as per my previous
blog entries...then...what exactly do I have?  I
wonder, as I scratch my nearly bald head.

It is so easy to theorize and ponder things when
you don't really need to deal with anything
significant.  It is so easy to create positive things,
and read positive sayings and in general think
you understand the point of what is being
expressed - when there is nothing immediate
pulling on you.

Yeah.
Those things SOUND good.

But when you are in the midst of something that
suddenly, truly turns your life upside down and
your emotions inside out, I would have to say
their messages for me often come off in a very
different - sometimes unwelcome - way.

It is one thing to hear the words.  It is another thing
to live with something that challenges them, and
pretty much damn near everything else, too.

Not having a good day.

Well...if I was going to be fair,
it hasn't all been bad.

So hard to be fair right now, though.