Stressing. Big Time.

The silence of many is deafening. A majority of people are viewing my blog, my pages, info about my recipe booklet, my jewelry, my book, and...not acting on any of it.

I am sitting here, wondering what I need to do. I am hoping and praying Disability is around the corner, but it is still a rather large corner to turn. It could still be a couple of months - or more -  away. Financially I don't have the means to make it. I need help desperately, but do not know what it will take to get it.

I price everything low, hoping that it will prevent price from being an issue. However, I am not sure that it is. I suspect there are other issues that are difficult for me to combat from where I stand. I know people who, in support of me, have asked others to buy my recipe booklet. People's reaction? I don't need to buy recipes. The booklet is not about the recipes. It is about helping another human being in need.

I know people still read. But my book is something people get scared off of because they think it is about cancer. They also think it is likely negative, given its title (sometimesitsuckstobehuman.com). I offer the first 20 pages for free online so that people can get a sense of it, but the majority stay away from it. Like many authors, I have likely given away more copies than people have given me money for it. But, once again, it is not about the book; it is about helping another human being in need.

Some would tell me I need to do more and/or do things differently, or do better marketing. This is NOT about a business model. This is is about a human being who is trying desperately to survive, and keep her head above water, and she needs help. She could just ask for money - which she has, and has had limited help or support that way. So she is trying her darnedest to create things to exchange for the donations people might offer. She's trying, folks. She really is. She is trying as she is on chemo for the third time. She is trying, as she can barely get out of bed some days. She is trying, as there is so much she can't do, but is trying to focus on what she can.

She's trying, and she is crying. She is crying out, hoping someone will listen, will pay attention, will HELP. Tangibly Help. Prayers and love are wonderful, but those she interacts with need actual currency. She needs money. Yes. It is crass. It is blunt. It is a dirty word for many. But that is what it comes down to.

She hates to ask for help. She even delayed her initial requests for help, hoping she could make it without having to go that route. Had cancer been a "one and done" kind of deal, maybe it would have been Ok. But it is now 3 years into it, and it is just so not Ok.

People are suspicious. They make assumptions. They make reasonable excuses not to help. They do anything and everything but dig in, and try to get to know her better. She has bared her soul. She has written over 1200 blog posts. She has posted over 250 videos (GotStressGetRelief.com). She has shared her (he)Art (Cedonaah.com). She has shared things she has written, like 15essentials.com, and quotes that many seem to value (quotesdaddy.com/user/jolope), and a myriad f other things. She has willingly put herself out in the world more because she wants to than for the money. If she could, she would do everything for free. But she can't.

I cannot tell you how incredibly frustrating it is to not know what to do. To sit here, with limited energy, with a huge mess on my hands, and not know how best to spend my time, to not know what thing to create, to not even have the energy most times to do the things I do manage to do. There is so much in the world that I have offered, like MriAnxiety.com. It would be so incredible if people would be willing to step up, and just give ONE DOLLAR to say thanks to a person who brought them something that they in some way appreciated. 

I know that is not asking too much. It really isn't. But you certainly would think it was, given how few do anything anywhere near close to that.

I usually try to be pretty careful how I say things. I try to be tactful. I try to be cautious. I know I still make people uncomfortable. No one wants to hear the kinds of things I talk about. I could just shut up, and I think many wouldn't mind.  The irony is that I think the fact that I am willing to speak up about stuff like this, about the awkward and uncomfortable stuff, there are those who want a piece of it. We all want to be able to say what we really think and feel, but there is so much that just halts us in our tracks. So, on one hand, it is shut up, you are making me uncomfortable, and on the other hand, it is like, damn, you go girl.

If you appreciate the fact that I speak up, please consider that a reason to support me in some way. The more my world shrinks, the harder everything becomes for me. I know people must be tired of hearing about how I need help. I am tired of it, too. But I have never received a large influx of money, enough to keep me going for a while. I get a little here, a little there, and it is what keeps me having to ask. I am sorry I have to ask. Believe me. I am more sorry than you will ever know.

The thing is, even talking about this is talking about the "wrong" thing. It is talking about money when a living, breathing human being is sitting here in need. We wind up having conversations about the things that are superficial, and have nothing to do with the human being behind them. If we actually took a look at the HUMAN aspect of things, maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to actually do something to help, rather than find reasons not to. We may not compare on those superficial aspects, but at the core, we have much more in common than we seem to ever acknowledge, with comparisons often confined to the things that really don't matter or make a difference, rather than the things that do.

I really am at a critical, stressful point. Help would be beyond wonderful. You could do just $1 a month at Patreon.com/jolope. Please? I bet there is a good chance you'll never miss it, and you could do something really good for a person who only wants to do good stuff, and put more beauty in the world. 

Thank you.

One last push...

Today I swore I was going to clean up a big, huge mess in a room I use for my creative self. I REALLY need to do it, as it is literally a walking land mine. I have almost hurt myself more times than I could count at this point. And each time, I grumble to myself, get pissed, and keep going. 

Every time I go in there I get diverted. I think it is the pressure I feel to find something, anything that will make me money. Part of it is that it is hard to spend time doing something that doesn't "pay." Another  piece is that it is hard to organize stuff that I have accumulated. My brain just doesn't work the way it used to. 

I used to be such a good organizer. Now any time I have to think about something, it can be a real struggle. It also doesn't help that often organizing means having things to organize in, and those things cost money - which I don't have.

On top of everything else, today was a hard day. I was really restless last night, and really tired when I went to bed. My mood is not the best. I thought things were moving with food stamps, but they weren't. So now I have to spend time and energy trying to get that going again. 

I got a "love letter" (2, actually) from Disability today. I can not help but wonder how many - if any - of those who work there have any clue what dealing with cancer is like. I am sooo not happy about having to deal with their paperwork maze. It is actually part of what torpedoed things last time I tried to go this route. Thankfully, at least, the timing of it is likely the best it is going to be for a few weeks.

On top of everything else, I now have a date for my first art show in May. While I am excited, the preparation is extremely stressful. I can be creative, no problem. But having to concern myself with administrative details is more than a bit overwhelming.

Dealing with cancer in many ways is a freaking full time job. I really don't think people realize all that goes into scheduling treatment, traveling for treatment, and treatment itself. And then there is the living of life in the midst of it.

Disability asks questions about what things you are capable of. I am pretty much capable of dealing with, and doing, almost anything, just not all the time, and sometimes only a small percentage of the time. I do only what I need to do - when I need to do it. 

I am wondering if I should share more about what doesn't happen here, but quite frankly, I am a bit embarrassed to share. I hate the idea of telling complete strangers at Disability these things, but they need to know, if I have any chance of getting approved. Maybe at some point I will share with you, too. I sometimes think I should share more about this kind of stuff, as do many seem to think I am just fine because superficially I seem to manage.

I am also now remembering that there is someone I have been wanting to call for days. She didn't get a call today, either. 

Another question Disability asks is if I finish anything. I am all over the freaking place.  Yes. There are things that get done, but there are so many things left dangling - just ask my frustrated friend. My mind loses things all the time. The phone rings, and I forget what I was doing, and go do something else after the call. I go to the bathroom, and forget what I was doing, and go do something else. I am doing one thing, and suddenly am so tired I need to just stop - and go to bed. I put food on to cook, and forget that it is cooking. I pull some food out to make, and then forget that until I go to make something else. I leave supplements on the counter so I can see them, and remember to take them, but often forget any way. I go downstairs to get, or do, something, and once there forget why I came down. I don't always remember what I ate earlier in the day, or even, if I ate. I plan to do laundry, and then forget, day after day after day after week - until I have to do it, and even then it can still be a day or more, and inconvenience and frustration, before I remember to do it. I do laundry, and then forget that it is in the washer/dryer. 

The list just goes on and on and on. I am often grateful and appreciative of the things that I DO manage to remember. I often find that if I do something immediately, it has the best shot at being done, otherwise it can be forgotten all together - or until something else triggers the memory of something I needed to do, at which point I better do it right then, or risk losing it all together the minute I get distracted again - which could only be seconds away.

Another month, and I will have been dealing with cancer 3 years. THREE. It is fortunate that I am still here. At the same time, the trade offs cost me in all kinds of ways that most have no understanding of, and maybe never will.

I am so tired right now...and I mean that in more ways than one.

Every night I go to bed, I am fried. I get to the point I can't even do just one more thing. I may try, but it often winds up being a big, huge mistake. I am grateful when I wake up and find myself a bit recharged. It often takes me hours to get out of bed, but once I get going, I can usually manage to get some things done. Of course, it is never as much as I would like, but at least it is something. 

But I have been pushing so hard and so much, I really feel like I need a break. Ironically, perhaps, some people don't want to pay for a "vacation" for me, so if I even hinted about going anywhere some might not want to help me in any way. If anyone needs a vacation, it is someone like me who is dealing with this stuff, and has no ability to escape: no financial resources, and has treatment tethering them. 

Like so much else, I really think most people just don't have a clue. If you thought your life could be significantly shortened, would you want your last times to be mired in dealing with your illness? My guess is no. I would also guess that if there was kindness of strangers that would/could help you escape the bleakness of your reality with a "vacation," you would not only welcome it, you'd act on ASAP, provided you were still well enough to do so. 

That is another thing, too, what some may not consider is that if life's book was coming to an end, opportunities to travel and do things might also be coming to an end before that point. If one didn't go on a vacation now, there may not be a later. For those who are more likely to have a later, it might be all too easy to begrudge another a vacation when they are unable to do that for themselves. People inevitably make comparisons, but they are not always calculated "properly."

My head is swimming. I really must go to sleep. I am struggling with these last words. I am getting to that point that I really must stop.

One last thing, though...please check out Patreon.com/jolope. Then please become a patron if there is even one thing you like and appreciate about me/my work. $1 is all it will cost you. JUST ONE DOLLAR. If you have never contributed to me, please consider taking this opportunity. Are you going to miss that dollar? Really? Probably not. And if you care about me, it could be one of the best things you could do for me. 

Are you a total stranger? Well. I guess you don't know if I am for real, or not. But you have probably lost more than a dollar in your life somewhere. You have probably wasted more than $1, more than once. Consider that your kindness to a complete stranger could be an investment in something good. 

Yes. You'd be speculating, but it is worth it. I am worth it. Don't believe me? Spend some more time to get to know me, and what I am about, and you will likely see a person who isn't that much different than who you are, or would like to be. I may be dealing with cancer, and you may not be, but we share a very human experience, and I am asking you to please be humane, and help a person who very much needs it - and hates to ask for it, more than you will likely ever know. Thank you.

I was just looking at someone's Patreon page. He receives over $6k per month. He also offers all kinds of goodies for his fans, I also looked at goals. The site gives you the ability to state goals with specific things in mind for particular dollar values.

My head hurts. So does my soul.

I am sitting here, wondering what I could work toward, and feeling overwhelmed by many off the prospects. I just don't have it in me to take on projects right now. I hope that changes, but I also get scared it won't. My mind doesn't work the way it used to, and overwhelm comes all too easily sometimes.

I would love to do some things to help those who are dealing with cancer. I would love to take another awareness trip. I would love to finalize my book (SometimesitSuckstobeHuman.com), and get it into print. I would love to create more videos. I would love to have something resembling my radio show again. I would love to do soooo many things, but being in Survival Mode and dealing with what I am dealing with limits my options in a big way.

I really hate that dealing with cancer is often like running a business, or at the very least a major, important project, and one you really can't get away from. It is exhausting.

Want to be nice to me? Do me a favor, and become a patron. Just $1 a month helps, and you can cancel any time. Patreon.com/jolope. Thank you.

An A-Ha Moment

Do you feel my pain? My anxiety? My fears? Do you feel the discomfort of my uncertainties? 

I am barely awake this morning, but laying in bed, and just saw an article about empaths. Do you know what it is to be one? On a very core level, it means you feel what others feel. Many who are empathic don't know it. As a result, their moods can swing wildly from one moment to the next as they pick up what others around them are feeling. If asked, they would likely find some reason in their lives as to why they feel as they do, or they'd just be befuddled as to why they are suddenly feeling something that makes no sense.

The article talked about how empaths may have a hard time watching the news or movies. I have had both. I can often walk away from a movie In the middle. I have seen many parts of movies, but not always the full movie. I never really thought about this before, but I think it make sense. There are so many times in watching a movie that I can get squirmy, or uncomfortable.

I have said before that I am empathic, and that I can feel how uncomfortable many are in relation to me these days. I never really thought about this whole "empathic" thing when it comes to others. I know many are uncomfortable; I just never thought that part of their discomfort could be that they were picking up on things I feel that aren't pleasant, and feel the need to run the other way.

If that is you, I don't blame you. If you do not even necessarily realize what is going on, and are empathic, you could wind up "claiming" my stuff as your own. And, given I know my own stuff, I know it would have to suck, in a big way. You wouldn't necessarily know what was going on, and might just think other things about me and my situation that help you keep your distance from that discomfort.

Does this make sense to you? I kind of feel like this is an A-ha moment, but the thing is, I am not sure what to "do" with it. I know it is our best interest not to deny what we feel. Even if I tried to deny it, it'd still be there, and others could still pick up on it. I can't just change everything in me so that it feels/I feel better to others. The best I can do is what I am doing - processing stuff as it shows up.

If you feel my "stuff," I know there is every reason you'd want to run. But if you feel my stuff, could I please ask you to consider using it in a way that might allow you to help me, instead of run from me?this, of course, could apply to other people and circumstances in your life, too.

What if our negative reactions to things are our way of not coping with what we feel about them? What if the negative reaction is an adverse reaction to the feelings and emotions we feel, but don't want to? We have a hard enough time with our "own" stuff, but empaths often add the stuff of others, which can often feel even more overwhelming because it isn't ours.

I guarantee that if you were ever in your own uncomfortable spot, there would likely to be people you thought would help/understand who would run the other way at a time you needed them most. The irony, perhaps, is that even if you "understand" that others don't help, there are still a number of emotions that come sometimes come along with the package that aren't exactly inviting, like sadness, disappointment, frustration...

It seems like a cycle that wouldn't be easy to break - especially for those in it who are unaware of the things that are going on unconsciously.

Hmm.

Still not sure what to do with this, but definitely think there is something here. Maybe when I ask people to look at the stuff that makes them uncomfortable what I really "should" be doing is asking them to see if their discomfort even "belongs" to them. Maybe I should be asking them to see their discomfort for what it is, and what it is may be something that is not even "theirs." 

There may be times that it is personal, but my guess is that it is not nearly as often as a person who is unaware that s/he is empathic thinks it is. We humans are very strange animals. We come together in such paradoxical ways. Maybe we are given the ability to feel others so that we can better interact with, and love, them. But, instead, in our lack of awareness, a tool for helping us only has us feeling defensive, combative, and wanting - and needing - to run the other way at a time, especially, when another needs us the most.

Food for thought?

PS do you appreciate this blog post? Would you consider giving me $1 for it? You can send it via PayPal (see Heartsgiving.com for details) or you can become a patron for a month at Patreon.com/jolope. Thank you for your consideration.

 

Thoughts before I sleep...

I feel like I should post, but I am not yet sure what I will be writing about. As always, so many things wander in and out of my thoughts. Which thing it may land on remains to be seen, as the wheel is still spinning. My mind thinks I can write about this, and that, and...

The fact is I am tired, and feeling quite stressed. I keep wondering what I could possibly do to stir up some help/activity. My bank account is so low again. Another month, and I could be out of money. I say this a lot, and so far I keep managing, but I get really scared when there are great silences.

People tell me they "wish" they could help. The fact is most can help more than they think they can. I would be willing to bet that a large percentage of those reading this have at least $1 they could use to help me, but they won't. I would also be willing to bet that a large percentage of people read my blog posts, but never share them. I would also be willing to bet there are those who see my art and jewelry, and that, too, is never shared.

Sharing, alone, is appreciated, but I find it often takes an extra special something/effort/explanation/request for things to happen. Many who do share, just click a button, and never say a thing. 

I know it's awkward on so many levels, but if you were in my shoes you would need and want the help, too, and you would also hate that you have to continue to talk about it, and raise the uncomfortable subject. HATE IT. But you knew you had to do it because you just really did not know what else to do after dealing with cancer almost 3-freaking-years now. 

You would hate having to try to do all you could to help yourself because you knew you often pushed pretty hard. You would wish you could take time to care for yourself and nurture yourself, but would feel compelled by circumstances and fear to keep pushing. You wouldn't have a problem with trying to do things to help yourself, but finding that many just seem to ignore you would create its own issues because you would hope that what precious energy you had was somehow being spent on the "right" things. And it would be hard to know, in the absence of results, if you were on the right track. At the same time, you wouldn't know any other track to take, having taken as many as you already have.

Much of my jewelry is an average of $15. I don't think any piece exceeds $25, but if there is something, it is rare. Many tell me how amazing they think it is, and can not understand why I am not able to have the support from people for it. I know that there is more that could be done, the problem is that I personally am unable to be the creative person, and do all of the other things, too, that may, or may, not net me interested parties. So many offer suggestions; what I really need is help.

I find myself frustrated over and over by the fact that most I talk to have no clue what I am dealing with. Many think my situation is a lot less complicated than it is. They treat me, and it, as though life is "just" normal - whatever that is. Many have no clue how tired I often am. They have no idea that in between my creativity is often severe lethargy and sleepiness. They have no idea the issues my body faces, and how difficult it is for me to plan to leave the house, and how when I do, it is sometimes with trepidation. They have no idea how it is for me to have to deal with the issue of my hair, and how something most never HAVE to think about is something never very far removed from my experience - of even opening the front door.

There is just so much that you take for granted when you are seemingly healthy. You likely have no idea how much energy it takes when those things can't be taken for granted any more. And, even worse, and ironically, the extra energy is extracted from someone who doesn't have it to spare, which winds up leaving less energy for other things. And people can't understand why you can't even do the "simplest" of things.

Ugh.

Am I telling you this for you, or am I just trying to get it out of my system? Maybe it is a bit of both. Very few things are as singular as we might think, or sometimes want them to be.

When you have an issue you hope that if you explain it right, you will be able to resolve it. Others will understand, and potentially even help. But when you have said things until you are blue in the face, there is a part of you that wants to just give up, and crawl into a corner. There can be a sense of sheer helplessness at some of those times. People talk so much about not being a victim, but when you have actively sought to help yourself and have been still found to be lacking, it is an awful feeling. How does one keep going?

The fact is...I don't know. And there are times I get scared that I might just give up. There are so many reasons I don't want to give up, but I only have so much to give before I feel like I could break. Lately I have been feeling kind of numb. Not sure why, so I am not sure if it could be a "good" thing.

With that, I think I will soon be heading to sleep. But before I go, I am asking you to please consider my request for $1. You could do just $1 through PayPal (see heartsgiving.com for details) or you could consider $1 per month through Patreon.com/jolope- which you can cancel at any time. There is so much that I put out into the world, and if you appreciate even just one thing a month, please consider that it is worth supporting me for it with just ONE DOLLAR.

You may think it is "nothing," and therefore think "why bother?" But, coming from someone with no viable, consistent income, $1 means more than most will ever realize. It will be all too easy to walk away from this request, judging me, or perhaps even pitying me, but I am asking you not to, I am asking you to please help a fellow human being who needs help. Perhaps you are here, and reading this, for a reason. Pretty please? With sugar on top? 

If you want something in exchange for your donation, there are all kinds of options. Just ask me about them. I would list them here, but I really need to get to sleep. I have, however, posted them in other places, and other blog posts, if you feel adventurous enough to go looking. Feel free to comment here, or contact me (see right column of blog for contact info, or just message me on Facebook).

I appreciate your consideration of my request. Thank you, and good night.

(PS For anyone who has supported, or is supporting, me in some way, please know this is not addressed to you. I am incredibly appreciative for anything you have done for me. I say this, just in case it is not obvious. I say it in case somehow what I have said somehow seems to imply something else by what I haven't said).

You Know....

You know how you always say you will work something out? How you want to plan to be with someone, but then something gets in the way? Not once. Not twice. But too many times to count, and time slips away?

Intentions are good. You know they are. But then one day, there is something that happens, and that plan will never take place. There is an accident. A heart attack. An illness, like cancer. And everything just stops. 

You then switch from the good intentions to the "only ifs." You wind up feeling regret on top of everything else because you know that all of those things that stood in your way, that seemed so reasonable, were things that could have waited. They are things that if they never happened would have been just fine. You would have been just fine.

You wind up standing there holding a "what if" instead of a memory of a time spent with someone you in some way cared about.

I know you'd like to think me wrong. The thought of this is so uncomfortable, isn't it? You know you do it a lot more than you would want to, but you have your reasons. Wouldn't you rather have those you care about, though?

Please consider viewing Patreon.com/jolope and becoming a patron - for even "just" $1 per month. Thank you.

So Many Things

I have so many things wandering through my mind. I have been thinking a lot about an aunt who died just over 2 years ago. I am replaying many of the events of that time in my head. I am not sure why; maybe I just need to process things about that time, about her, about things that happened with family.

It was also hard for me to be dealing with someone's death while mine was a lot closer that I would have wanted it to be.

I am also struggling as I try to get some things done. I was thinking last night about how we all have "things." In some ways, I imagine people read that statement, and think they know what I am saying/feeling. While I think it is good for others to see our similarities, there are times it is painfully clear that people really do not know what I am dealing with.

At the moment, my stomach is making all kinds of noises. Milk of Magnesia has become a close friend during these treatments. You might be amazed just how much my digestive system is affected by this chemo. Plus, it makes me quite dehydrated, which doesn't help things do what they are supposed to.

I am also thinking about a few conversations I have had with people lately about "business." They seem to think they know what I should do, and how I should do it. Perhaps they do, but in at least one case I made the statement, "what part of the fact that I am dealing with cancer did you miss?" 

I find myself all too often having to express things about cancer that I just don't want to. It includes the fact that people, out of concern and interest and other "good" things ask about when I will be "done" with chemo. Interesting, I think, how that is somehow how we have been trained. We are trained that there will be treatment, and then...we will be done or dead. Most would likely opt for the more positive of the two, and assume there is an end in sight.

There was an end, in the beginning. I would get 6 months of chemo, and be done. At least, that was the goal. It was met momentarily, but within months, I was told that it looked like "trouble was brewing." In fact, it seemed cancer had decided to stick around. Within months I was essentially told that I would be on chemo the rest of my life. It was that devastating news that sent me on my cross country trip.

For as much as some may pay attention to what is going on with me, many seem to have no clue what my reality is, at least according to the medical profession. They have no idea how difficult it is to walk a path that acknowledges all of the many pieces that I face. How do I communicate things without claiming them?

On top of everything else, it is exhausting. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. 

There are times I am just so incredibly overwhelmed. I feel like I am in the fringe of depression. It feels, at the moment, more like a flirt than a full on dance with it. I really hope it stays that way, or regresses because a progression would really suck. Even being "here" sucks in its own way. 

I am actually tempted to go back to bed, as much of what I have tried to do today has only frustrated me. How is it that there are times the same stuff can be so incredibly annoying and stressful and depressing, but at other times just a blip in my experience, and something I can speak to, even somewhat casually? Is it more worse at times, or do I just think it is?

Perhaps, at times, it can lean in either direction.

I really hope my life here is not going to end any time soon. But there are times like this, it is just so hard to make my way through how I feel, and the attached feelings and emotions. The contrast between the various MEs is quite striking, especially when I interact with the version that looks and sounds like here is nothing awry, or "wrong," as opposed to my current version that is struggling to do - or care about - anything, including writing this.

If you appreciate me, and/or my work, please consider becoming a patron. Even $1 per month could really help. Thank you. Patreon.com/Jolope.