Stressing. Big Time.

The silence of many is deafening. A majority of people are viewing my blog, my pages, info about my recipe booklet, my jewelry, my book, and...not acting on any of it.

I am sitting here, wondering what I need to do. I am hoping and praying Disability is around the corner, but it is still a rather large corner to turn. It could still be a couple of months - or more -  away. Financially I don't have the means to make it. I need help desperately, but do not know what it will take to get it.

I price everything low, hoping that it will prevent price from being an issue. However, I am not sure that it is. I suspect there are other issues that are difficult for me to combat from where I stand. I know people who, in support of me, have asked others to buy my recipe booklet. People's reaction? I don't need to buy recipes. The booklet is not about the recipes. It is about helping another human being in need.

I know people still read. But my book is something people get scared off of because they think it is about cancer. They also think it is likely negative, given its title (sometimesitsuckstobehuman.com). I offer the first 20 pages for free online so that people can get a sense of it, but the majority stay away from it. Like many authors, I have likely given away more copies than people have given me money for it. But, once again, it is not about the book; it is about helping another human being in need.

Some would tell me I need to do more and/or do things differently, or do better marketing. This is NOT about a business model. This is is about a human being who is trying desperately to survive, and keep her head above water, and she needs help. She could just ask for money - which she has, and has had limited help or support that way. So she is trying her darnedest to create things to exchange for the donations people might offer. She's trying, folks. She really is. She is trying as she is on chemo for the third time. She is trying, as she can barely get out of bed some days. She is trying, as there is so much she can't do, but is trying to focus on what she can.

She's trying, and she is crying. She is crying out, hoping someone will listen, will pay attention, will HELP. Tangibly Help. Prayers and love are wonderful, but those she interacts with need actual currency. She needs money. Yes. It is crass. It is blunt. It is a dirty word for many. But that is what it comes down to.

She hates to ask for help. She even delayed her initial requests for help, hoping she could make it without having to go that route. Had cancer been a "one and done" kind of deal, maybe it would have been Ok. But it is now 3 years into it, and it is just so not Ok.

People are suspicious. They make assumptions. They make reasonable excuses not to help. They do anything and everything but dig in, and try to get to know her better. She has bared her soul. She has written over 1200 blog posts. She has posted over 250 videos (GotStressGetRelief.com). She has shared her (he)Art (Cedonaah.com). She has shared things she has written, like 15essentials.com, and quotes that many seem to value (quotesdaddy.com/user/jolope), and a myriad f other things. She has willingly put herself out in the world more because she wants to than for the money. If she could, she would do everything for free. But she can't.

I cannot tell you how incredibly frustrating it is to not know what to do. To sit here, with limited energy, with a huge mess on my hands, and not know how best to spend my time, to not know what thing to create, to not even have the energy most times to do the things I do manage to do. There is so much in the world that I have offered, like MriAnxiety.com. It would be so incredible if people would be willing to step up, and just give ONE DOLLAR to say thanks to a person who brought them something that they in some way appreciated. 

I know that is not asking too much. It really isn't. But you certainly would think it was, given how few do anything anywhere near close to that.

I usually try to be pretty careful how I say things. I try to be tactful. I try to be cautious. I know I still make people uncomfortable. No one wants to hear the kinds of things I talk about. I could just shut up, and I think many wouldn't mind.  The irony is that I think the fact that I am willing to speak up about stuff like this, about the awkward and uncomfortable stuff, there are those who want a piece of it. We all want to be able to say what we really think and feel, but there is so much that just halts us in our tracks. So, on one hand, it is shut up, you are making me uncomfortable, and on the other hand, it is like, damn, you go girl.

If you appreciate the fact that I speak up, please consider that a reason to support me in some way. The more my world shrinks, the harder everything becomes for me. I know people must be tired of hearing about how I need help. I am tired of it, too. But I have never received a large influx of money, enough to keep me going for a while. I get a little here, a little there, and it is what keeps me having to ask. I am sorry I have to ask. Believe me. I am more sorry than you will ever know.

The thing is, even talking about this is talking about the "wrong" thing. It is talking about money when a living, breathing human being is sitting here in need. We wind up having conversations about the things that are superficial, and have nothing to do with the human being behind them. If we actually took a look at the HUMAN aspect of things, maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to actually do something to help, rather than find reasons not to. We may not compare on those superficial aspects, but at the core, we have much more in common than we seem to ever acknowledge, with comparisons often confined to the things that really don't matter or make a difference, rather than the things that do.

I really am at a critical, stressful point. Help would be beyond wonderful. You could do just $1 a month at Patreon.com/jolope. Please? I bet there is a good chance you'll never miss it, and you could do something really good for a person who only wants to do good stuff, and put more beauty in the world. 

Thank you.