Saturday, April 11, 2015

Thoughts before I sleep...

I feel like I should post, but I am not yet sure what I will be writing about. As always, so many things wander in and out of my thoughts. Which thing it may land on remains to be seen, as the wheel is still spinning. My mind thinks I can write about this, and that, and...

The fact is I am tired, and feeling quite stressed. I keep wondering what I could possibly do to stir up some help/activity. My bank account is so low again. Another month, and I could be out of money. I say this a lot, and so far I keep managing, but I get really scared when there are great silences.

People tell me they "wish" they could help. The fact is most can help more than they think they can. I would be willing to bet that a large percentage of those reading this have at least $1 they could use to help me, but they won't. I would also be willing to bet that a large percentage of people read my blog posts, but never share them. I would also be willing to bet there are those who see my art and jewelry, and that, too, is never shared.

Sharing, alone, is appreciated, but I find it often takes an extra special something/effort/explanation/request for things to happen. Many who do share, just click a button, and never say a thing. 

I know it's awkward on so many levels, but if you were in my shoes you would need and want the help, too, and you would also hate that you have to continue to talk about it, and raise the uncomfortable subject. HATE IT. But you knew you had to do it because you just really did not know what else to do after dealing with cancer almost 3-freaking-years now. 

You would hate having to try to do all you could to help yourself because you knew you often pushed pretty hard. You would wish you could take time to care for yourself and nurture yourself, but would feel compelled by circumstances and fear to keep pushing. You wouldn't have a problem with trying to do things to help yourself, but finding that many just seem to ignore you would create its own issues because you would hope that what precious energy you had was somehow being spent on the "right" things. And it would be hard to know, in the absence of results, if you were on the right track. At the same time, you wouldn't know any other track to take, having taken as many as you already have.

Much of my jewelry is an average of $15. I don't think any piece exceeds $25, but if there is something, it is rare. Many tell me how amazing they think it is, and can not understand why I am not able to have the support from people for it. I know that there is more that could be done, the problem is that I personally am unable to be the creative person, and do all of the other things, too, that may, or may, not net me interested parties. So many offer suggestions; what I really need is help.

I find myself frustrated over and over by the fact that most I talk to have no clue what I am dealing with. Many think my situation is a lot less complicated than it is. They treat me, and it, as though life is "just" normal - whatever that is. Many have no clue how tired I often am. They have no idea that in between my creativity is often severe lethargy and sleepiness. They have no idea the issues my body faces, and how difficult it is for me to plan to leave the house, and how when I do, it is sometimes with trepidation. They have no idea how it is for me to have to deal with the issue of my hair, and how something most never HAVE to think about is something never very far removed from my experience - of even opening the front door.

There is just so much that you take for granted when you are seemingly healthy. You likely have no idea how much energy it takes when those things can't be taken for granted any more. And, even worse, and ironically, the extra energy is extracted from someone who doesn't have it to spare, which winds up leaving less energy for other things. And people can't understand why you can't even do the "simplest" of things.


Am I telling you this for you, or am I just trying to get it out of my system? Maybe it is a bit of both. Very few things are as singular as we might think, or sometimes want them to be.

When you have an issue you hope that if you explain it right, you will be able to resolve it. Others will understand, and potentially even help. But when you have said things until you are blue in the face, there is a part of you that wants to just give up, and crawl into a corner. There can be a sense of sheer helplessness at some of those times. People talk so much about not being a victim, but when you have actively sought to help yourself and have been still found to be lacking, it is an awful feeling. How does one keep going?

The fact is...I don't know. And there are times I get scared that I might just give up. There are so many reasons I don't want to give up, but I only have so much to give before I feel like I could break. Lately I have been feeling kind of numb. Not sure why, so I am not sure if it could be a "good" thing.

With that, I think I will soon be heading to sleep. But before I go, I am asking you to please consider my request for $1. You could do just $1 through PayPal (see heartsgiving.com for details) or you could consider $1 per month through Patreon.com/jolope- which you can cancel at any time. There is so much that I put out into the world, and if you appreciate even just one thing a month, please consider that it is worth supporting me for it with just ONE DOLLAR.

You may think it is "nothing," and therefore think "why bother?" But, coming from someone with no viable, consistent income, $1 means more than most will ever realize. It will be all too easy to walk away from this request, judging me, or perhaps even pitying me, but I am asking you not to, I am asking you to please help a fellow human being who needs help. Perhaps you are here, and reading this, for a reason. Pretty please? With sugar on top? 

If you want something in exchange for your donation, there are all kinds of options. Just ask me about them. I would list them here, but I really need to get to sleep. I have, however, posted them in other places, and other blog posts, if you feel adventurous enough to go looking. Feel free to comment here, or contact me (see right column of blog for contact info, or just message me on Facebook).

I appreciate your consideration of my request. Thank you, and good night.

(PS For anyone who has supported, or is supporting, me in some way, please know this is not addressed to you. I am incredibly appreciative for anything you have done for me. I say this, just in case it is not obvious. I say it in case somehow what I have said somehow seems to imply something else by what I haven't said).

No comments:

Post a Comment