The Same as a Broken Leg?

I don't think so.

I was just telling someone that my scans were clear.
He was telling me how much of a blessing that is.

He obviously didn't know how I have been feeling.

I tried to explain to him what the situation was.
I tried to explain that my mind may be affected for
a long time to come.  I tried to explain that just
because chemo was over didn't mean that suddenly
everything was OK.

He tried to tell me that I often sound fine.  That I
had to be fine, and now I could just move forward.

When I tried to tell him that he didn't understand,
that even though I could function in some ways,
there were things that are extraordinarily difficult.

He turned around and said that when someone
breaks a leg they don't just "sit there."  They get
up and and do something.

When someone breaks a leg?

It is NOT the freaking same thing.

Someone else I was talking to was looking online
to see what he could find out about what I am
dealing with.  He found something I didn't even
know about:  PCCI Post Chemotherapy Cognitive
Impairment.  According to good ole Wikipedia,
it can last up to 10 years!

While there are things I might be able to do to
help myself over the long run, over the short run
it is incredibly frustrating to work so hard to do
some things that before were practically effortless
for me.

I have always appreciated my brain.  I have often
been quick-witted and able to remember things.
Now it is very difficult, and it is even difficult
to read things, and retain what I read.

I had heard about "chemo brain," but it was never
explained to me like this.  Would I have wanted
to know?  Would it have changed the way I did
things?  I don't know.  But what I do know is that
this recovery may very well be more difficult than
the recovery from cancer.

This - in some ways - is much harder to cope with
and harder to accept.  I read that "many" people
think that when the chemo is over they will just
be able to get on with their lives.  So apparently
I am not the only one who thought that.

How the fuck am I going to deal with this?  It is
so hard to do anything.  On top of that, I heard
of one woman who had it so bad she had unpaid
bills piling up and didn't care.  I am not quite there,
but I can relate to the lack of caring.  You have to
care to do things - especially when it takes extra
care to do them, or they don't get done.

People talk about the fight with cancer.  This
feels like a much bigger battle to me.

I want myself back.

That sounds so tame compared to how I really
feel.  I am sobbing as I type.  I feel like I am in
this really strange state.  It is one that I think only
another who has had this could relate to.

If you know someone who is being treated with
chemo, please understand this is all too real.  It
is not stress.  It is not made up.  It is fucking real.
And it will change the person in ways that s/he
has absolutely no control over.

I have told people around me that I don't always
remember things.  I probably repeat myself more
than I want to.  I sometimes get lost mid-sentence.
I forget the simplest of words.  I can't always
communicate as effectively as I would like, as
I sometimes lose my way to where I was going.

At the same time, it would seem to those on the
outside looking in that it is no big deal.  That I am
just fine.  As I have explained before, I am
functioning mainly from my right brain.  I have
always been right brain dominant.

But the right brain is more intuitive.  It is easy
for me to write these blog entries when I DON'T
think.  But the problem comes when I do.

For me to plan my life, for me to plan work and
negotiate the things I need to for work, it is an
incredible challenge.   I wonder if those treating me
ever thought about how much it would challenge
me, given my circumstances.  I don't know that
it would have changed a thing, but I am in a very
different situation than most.

I don't have family supporting me.  No husband.
No kids.  I didn't have a job when this happened.
No benefits.  No disability.  I have the "wrong"
kind of cancer to get much of the help that is
offered.

Sure you can treat me.
But, hell...now freaking what?

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On Image

I have wondered if I should change my
public image here, and in other internet
places.  But I don't know what I would
change it to.

A friend said it should be my smile, as
that is pretty consistent image to image.
:P

I am not really looking at my "professional"
self at the moment.  I am looking more at the
ME behind the persona.  And that me isn't one that can be limited at the moment.

If I was looking at my professional self, much of what I write would not have
been written.  I would have been too concerned about what you would think
of me and what I have said.  I also would have been consistent with how you
saw me, the images I shared.

At some point I will need to go back and be my "professional self," and I am not
sure how that will play out after all that I have posted and shared publicly.
There is no separation of "church" and "state."  If I was to ever seek out
employment, there is no way that I would be able to hide my history at this
point.

My privacy is shot to hell in that regard.

It makes me uncomfortable.
It makes me nervous.

I really wasn't thrilled with broadcasting
my situation to the world.

At the same time,
it seems like
it was
what needed to happen.

That seems the logical thing to say, any way.

Urgency

The last several days I have been feeling driven to do things.

As you can tell from some of my blog entries,
that has not necessarily been a good thing.

Since physically I am feeling a bit better, I am finding
myself feeling even more antsy and anxious.  I am  also
feeling a sense of great urgency to do things.

For some that might seem logical, given my circumstances,
but I have to admit in the back of my mind I find myself
wondering if my time is running out.

I know that is morbid sounding and negative, but at the
same time, it is what I am experiencing.  I was going to
say "true," but I want to be careful what I claim as truth
at the moment.

Part of me says I am fine.  Part of me says I am not yet
going anywhere.  Then there is the fear part that experiences
all of the physical discomforts and quirks and reads the things
I have read,  and thinks that maybe I could be fooling myself.

Even if I was fooling myself,  there is no way to know anything
for absolute certainty at the moment, so being in that realm
might actually be some shade of helpful.

Part of me also feels like I could be ready to go.  I don't really
know if that is true.  If I was told that my time was up I might
feel very different about that statement.  As I typed those last
couple of sentences I started to tear up.  Guess the "ready to
go part" may not be that accurate.

I feel like there are things for me to do.  I wish I knew better
what those things were.  There is no feeling like a sense of
urgency mixed with a lot of not knowing.  It might be akin
to feeling stuck in the mud in the middle of no where.  You
know you want to get out, but all you see in every direction
is mud.  How do you know which way to go?  At the same
time, you know you need to go somewhere.

That is kinda me at the moment.

I am going through things that I have done, and have found
things that I have written, and works that I have created, and
have been working on getting them up somewhere, wanting
to share.  I could keep things back, but what is the point of
creation, if others don't get to see?  I wanted to try to make
some money with my work, but that didn't happen, so many
of my things are just "out there" now.

(If you are reading this, and find that anything that I have done
has had value for you it would mean a lot to me if you would
donate something to help with my situation and needs.  I wish
I didn't have to ask, and I wish that I could just give myself and
my work to the world for free, but I have bills to pay and the
creditors want money.  So somewhere along the line I need to
have some to give them.)

At some point I am going to have to resolve the whole work/
money issue situation, but it just isn't something I feel capable
of doing at the moment, despite how much I wish I could.

There is a lot that I have created over the last several years,
and over time I will be sharing more.  I have already shared
a few things with you.

Have you seen my 15 Essential Things to Ask Yourself?
If not, you can click here to get your copy.  Many have told
me how much they like it.  I think I even did another version
at some point.  I know it may sound like an odd thing for me
to say, but I have created so much over the last few years, and
I just don't remember it all.  Sometimes I see something, and
I am like, "Wow.  I did that?"

I think that might be "proof" that a lot seems to go THROUGH
me, rather than come FROM me.  There are so many times,
too, someone will come back and tell me that I said something,
to which my only reply will be, "if you say so."  I will believe
them;  I just won't remember saying what they said I did.

There are times that I say things, too, that I just have no way
of knowing.  I know that that is the same for some others as
well.  One person I know would chalk this knowing up to
being "a good judge of human character."  I suppose there
are many different ways to look at these kinds of things, some
that are a bit more weird and woo-woo than others.  Who is
to know where the "lines" truly are in these boxes we try
to build and fit in?

I have spent a lot of my life trying to hide the parts of me
that often are labelled as odd.  Even in so doing, I was still
the proverbial outsider.  I still was "different."  Heaven forbid
anyone truly find out those other things about me.

As I think about it, it feels like an incredible weight that I
have carried.  It feels like something I just want to "dump"
at this point...which is likely why I wrote a lot of what I did
in that last blog entry.

I want the world to know who I am.  I might be strange.  I
might be odd.  I might be unusual.  But the fact of the matter
is that whatever I am, it is ME, and it is about damn time I
claimed ALL of me, and the only way to do that is to allow
myself 24 hours of access to myself, which means that others
around me will have no choice but to have access as well.

I would like to think that would be a good thing.

However, I am guessing individual mileage will vary. :P