Urgency

The last several days I have been feeling driven to do things.

As you can tell from some of my blog entries,
that has not necessarily been a good thing.

Since physically I am feeling a bit better, I am finding
myself feeling even more antsy and anxious.  I am  also
feeling a sense of great urgency to do things.

For some that might seem logical, given my circumstances,
but I have to admit in the back of my mind I find myself
wondering if my time is running out.

I know that is morbid sounding and negative, but at the
same time, it is what I am experiencing.  I was going to
say "true," but I want to be careful what I claim as truth
at the moment.

Part of me says I am fine.  Part of me says I am not yet
going anywhere.  Then there is the fear part that experiences
all of the physical discomforts and quirks and reads the things
I have read,  and thinks that maybe I could be fooling myself.

Even if I was fooling myself,  there is no way to know anything
for absolute certainty at the moment, so being in that realm
might actually be some shade of helpful.

Part of me also feels like I could be ready to go.  I don't really
know if that is true.  If I was told that my time was up I might
feel very different about that statement.  As I typed those last
couple of sentences I started to tear up.  Guess the "ready to
go part" may not be that accurate.

I feel like there are things for me to do.  I wish I knew better
what those things were.  There is no feeling like a sense of
urgency mixed with a lot of not knowing.  It might be akin
to feeling stuck in the mud in the middle of no where.  You
know you want to get out, but all you see in every direction
is mud.  How do you know which way to go?  At the same
time, you know you need to go somewhere.

That is kinda me at the moment.

I am going through things that I have done, and have found
things that I have written, and works that I have created, and
have been working on getting them up somewhere, wanting
to share.  I could keep things back, but what is the point of
creation, if others don't get to see?  I wanted to try to make
some money with my work, but that didn't happen, so many
of my things are just "out there" now.

(If you are reading this, and find that anything that I have done
has had value for you it would mean a lot to me if you would
donate something to help with my situation and needs.  I wish
I didn't have to ask, and I wish that I could just give myself and
my work to the world for free, but I have bills to pay and the
creditors want money.  So somewhere along the line I need to
have some to give them.)

At some point I am going to have to resolve the whole work/
money issue situation, but it just isn't something I feel capable
of doing at the moment, despite how much I wish I could.

There is a lot that I have created over the last several years,
and over time I will be sharing more.  I have already shared
a few things with you.

Have you seen my 15 Essential Things to Ask Yourself?
If not, you can click here to get your copy.  Many have told
me how much they like it.  I think I even did another version
at some point.  I know it may sound like an odd thing for me
to say, but I have created so much over the last few years, and
I just don't remember it all.  Sometimes I see something, and
I am like, "Wow.  I did that?"

I think that might be "proof" that a lot seems to go THROUGH
me, rather than come FROM me.  There are so many times,
too, someone will come back and tell me that I said something,
to which my only reply will be, "if you say so."  I will believe
them;  I just won't remember saying what they said I did.

There are times that I say things, too, that I just have no way
of knowing.  I know that that is the same for some others as
well.  One person I know would chalk this knowing up to
being "a good judge of human character."  I suppose there
are many different ways to look at these kinds of things, some
that are a bit more weird and woo-woo than others.  Who is
to know where the "lines" truly are in these boxes we try
to build and fit in?

I have spent a lot of my life trying to hide the parts of me
that often are labelled as odd.  Even in so doing, I was still
the proverbial outsider.  I still was "different."  Heaven forbid
anyone truly find out those other things about me.

As I think about it, it feels like an incredible weight that I
have carried.  It feels like something I just want to "dump"
at this point...which is likely why I wrote a lot of what I did
in that last blog entry.

I want the world to know who I am.  I might be strange.  I
might be odd.  I might be unusual.  But the fact of the matter
is that whatever I am, it is ME, and it is about damn time I
claimed ALL of me, and the only way to do that is to allow
myself 24 hours of access to myself, which means that others
around me will have no choice but to have access as well.

I would like to think that would be a good thing.

However, I am guessing individual mileage will vary. :P