We May Think We Know, But We May Not Have a Clue

Today someone shared the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario in one of the groups I belong to.  Interestingly, it is not a group whose content I often see.  It feels like one of those moments that were meant to happen.  I am really having a tough time in the last few days.  I am a bit concerned that I may be having symptoms again, and it is throwing me into emotions that I would rather have nothing to do with.  I don't want to be spending the rest of whatever amount of life I have left (which could be years, just so you know I am not entirely pessimistic) running to the doctor every time I have a symptom that is reminiscent of the symptoms I had prior to diagnosis.

I also am not thrilled about having more tests and xrays done, although I do not know how they will be able to tell anything with any kind of certainty if they don't.  Although it occurs to me that they could start with a blood work test.  The CA125.  If something is going on in my body in regard to ovarian cancer, the level would likely show as elevated.  It could be a place to start.  

I have people telling me to be positive.  How is one positive in a moment like this?  Is being positive really helpful?  I read something recently that indicates that there is no "proof" that it is.  Positive people die every day, and those who aren't positive continue to survive.  I suspect we "should" be allowed our range of emotion.  At the same time, I can't help but wonder if all of the worries and concerns I have had have contributed energies in the opposite direction of where I want to go.
I think this is the point where I question the "self-help" talk and people.  

If being human means having emotions and feelings and fears then 
why would we be "penalized" for having them?

My mind and emotions feel all over the place.  I am wondering how much of it may have to do with the Reiki course I took over the weekend.  The instructor said things would come up for healing.  

I feel lost. I feel scared.  I feel unsupported.  I left my mother a message a week ago that she has not responded to.  Compassion tells me she doesn't know how to respond, and that maybe she is so uncomfortable with the prospect of a conversation she could be avoiding it.  I could be wrong, of course, and the only way that I would know would be if we were to talk.  Part of me wants to call her again and have that conversation, but I am so emotional, I don't know if I could handle it.  I also feel like I could go on the attack.  Guess when you hold back, the energy has to come out somehow.

My one sister kind of surprised me when I told her what was going on.  For once in my life, she told me that how I was feeling and acting was justified.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  Quite often it has been anything, but.

So back to the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario.  The idea of the theory is that what happens next is random, and unpredictable.  So while we may think we know what the story is, we may not.  The idea also seems to indicate that focusing on what is present for us in the immediate moment is more important than concerning ourselves with the things that surround us, and that may, or may not affect us.  It would seem that pathways can open up where we wouldn't think there were any.

It would seem to fit me now.  In the following scenario disaster may seem imminent.  In my life I kinda feel a bit like the deer, and sometimes it makes me feel like I would want to just give up.  It feels hopeless.  That is a part of me.  Another part wants nothing more than to persevere and prove that the things I believed and have held as possibilities are not only viable but incredibly helpful and powerful not only to me, but for others as well.

Being in the moment at the moment is incredibly challenging.  I really would like to just climb in to bed, and put the covers over my head.  I know it's not a powerful place to be...but it is where I am.  I have to work this out somehow, and either my symptoms have to subside or I need to get to a doctor or hospital to find out what is going on.  I so don't want to do that, but if something is not right, the sooner I know, the better.  At least then if I am going to be upset, it will be for a reason, and not just speculation, and I can deal with it however it is best to deal with.

So what is the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario?

This is it:

In a remote forest, a pregnant deer is about to give birth to a baby. It finds a remote grass field near by a river and slowly goes there thinking it would be safe. As she moves slowly, she gets labor pain…. at the same moment, dark clouds gather around that area and lightning starts a forest fire.  Turning left  she sees a hunter who is aiming an arrow from a distance. As she tries to move towards right, she spots a hungry lion approaching towards her.

What can the pregnant deer do ….as she is already under labor pain ?

What do you think will happen? 

Will the deer survive? 

Will it give birth to a calf? 

Will the calf survive? or 

Will everything be burnt by the forest fire?

That particular moment ?

Can the deer go left? – Hunter’s arrow is pointing

Can she go right? – Hungry male lion approaching

Can she move up? – Forest fire

Can she move down? – Fierce river

Answer:  She does nothing. She just focuses on giving birth to a new LIFE.

The sequence of events that happens at that fraction of a second (moment) are as follows:

In a spur of MOMENT…lightning  strikes (already it is cloudy ) and blinds the eyes of the Hunter. At that MOMENT, he releases the arrow missing and zipping past the deer. At that MOMENT the arrow hits and injures the lion badly. At that MOMENT, it starts to rain heavily and puts out the forest fire. At that next MOMENT, the deer gives birth to a healthy calf.

In that moment, LIFE.  In every moment there is life.  In every moment there is LOVE.  It's like my short tale Living Life in Reverse, what am I choosing to focus on?  Why is being in the moment - divorced from the repercussions of everything mental, emotional, physical - so freaking hard?  Or, if it is "easy" why do we perceive it to be so hard?

Urgency

The last several days I have been feeling driven to do things.

As you can tell from some of my blog entries,
that has not necessarily been a good thing.

Since physically I am feeling a bit better, I am finding
myself feeling even more antsy and anxious.  I am  also
feeling a sense of great urgency to do things.

For some that might seem logical, given my circumstances,
but I have to admit in the back of my mind I find myself
wondering if my time is running out.

I know that is morbid sounding and negative, but at the
same time, it is what I am experiencing.  I was going to
say "true," but I want to be careful what I claim as truth
at the moment.

Part of me says I am fine.  Part of me says I am not yet
going anywhere.  Then there is the fear part that experiences
all of the physical discomforts and quirks and reads the things
I have read,  and thinks that maybe I could be fooling myself.

Even if I was fooling myself,  there is no way to know anything
for absolute certainty at the moment, so being in that realm
might actually be some shade of helpful.

Part of me also feels like I could be ready to go.  I don't really
know if that is true.  If I was told that my time was up I might
feel very different about that statement.  As I typed those last
couple of sentences I started to tear up.  Guess the "ready to
go part" may not be that accurate.

I feel like there are things for me to do.  I wish I knew better
what those things were.  There is no feeling like a sense of
urgency mixed with a lot of not knowing.  It might be akin
to feeling stuck in the mud in the middle of no where.  You
know you want to get out, but all you see in every direction
is mud.  How do you know which way to go?  At the same
time, you know you need to go somewhere.

That is kinda me at the moment.

I am going through things that I have done, and have found
things that I have written, and works that I have created, and
have been working on getting them up somewhere, wanting
to share.  I could keep things back, but what is the point of
creation, if others don't get to see?  I wanted to try to make
some money with my work, but that didn't happen, so many
of my things are just "out there" now.

(If you are reading this, and find that anything that I have done
has had value for you it would mean a lot to me if you would
donate something to help with my situation and needs.  I wish
I didn't have to ask, and I wish that I could just give myself and
my work to the world for free, but I have bills to pay and the
creditors want money.  So somewhere along the line I need to
have some to give them.)

At some point I am going to have to resolve the whole work/
money issue situation, but it just isn't something I feel capable
of doing at the moment, despite how much I wish I could.

There is a lot that I have created over the last several years,
and over time I will be sharing more.  I have already shared
a few things with you.

Have you seen my 15 Essential Things to Ask Yourself?
If not, you can click here to get your copy.  Many have told
me how much they like it.  I think I even did another version
at some point.  I know it may sound like an odd thing for me
to say, but I have created so much over the last few years, and
I just don't remember it all.  Sometimes I see something, and
I am like, "Wow.  I did that?"

I think that might be "proof" that a lot seems to go THROUGH
me, rather than come FROM me.  There are so many times,
too, someone will come back and tell me that I said something,
to which my only reply will be, "if you say so."  I will believe
them;  I just won't remember saying what they said I did.

There are times that I say things, too, that I just have no way
of knowing.  I know that that is the same for some others as
well.  One person I know would chalk this knowing up to
being "a good judge of human character."  I suppose there
are many different ways to look at these kinds of things, some
that are a bit more weird and woo-woo than others.  Who is
to know where the "lines" truly are in these boxes we try
to build and fit in?

I have spent a lot of my life trying to hide the parts of me
that often are labelled as odd.  Even in so doing, I was still
the proverbial outsider.  I still was "different."  Heaven forbid
anyone truly find out those other things about me.

As I think about it, it feels like an incredible weight that I
have carried.  It feels like something I just want to "dump"
at this point...which is likely why I wrote a lot of what I did
in that last blog entry.

I want the world to know who I am.  I might be strange.  I
might be odd.  I might be unusual.  But the fact of the matter
is that whatever I am, it is ME, and it is about damn time I
claimed ALL of me, and the only way to do that is to allow
myself 24 hours of access to myself, which means that others
around me will have no choice but to have access as well.

I would like to think that would be a good thing.

However, I am guessing individual mileage will vary. :P

It's so easy...

for people to tell me what to do.

They really have no idea what
it is like to be me at the moment.

(To be fair, among other things,
they are used to the
me I used to be).

I appreciate the care and concern.

But I am not really me right now,
and things don't work like they
used to...not at the moment, any way.

Having a very hard time doing
anything.  Hard to explain.
Even harder to cope with.