Monday, January 14, 2013

We May Think We Know, But We May Not Have a Clue

Today someone shared the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario in one of the groups I belong to.  Interestingly, it is not a group whose content I often see.  It feels like one of those moments that were meant to happen.  I am really having a tough time in the last few days.  I am a bit concerned that I may be having symptoms again, and it is throwing me into emotions that I would rather have nothing to do with.  I don't want to be spending the rest of whatever amount of life I have left (which could be years, just so you know I am not entirely pessimistic) running to the doctor every time I have a symptom that is reminiscent of the symptoms I had prior to diagnosis.

I also am not thrilled about having more tests and xrays done, although I do not know how they will be able to tell anything with any kind of certainty if they don't.  Although it occurs to me that they could start with a blood work test.  The CA125.  If something is going on in my body in regard to ovarian cancer, the level would likely show as elevated.  It could be a place to start.  

I have people telling me to be positive.  How is one positive in a moment like this?  Is being positive really helpful?  I read something recently that indicates that there is no "proof" that it is.  Positive people die every day, and those who aren't positive continue to survive.  I suspect we "should" be allowed our range of emotion.  At the same time, I can't help but wonder if all of the worries and concerns I have had have contributed energies in the opposite direction of where I want to go.
I think this is the point where I question the "self-help" talk and people.  

If being human means having emotions and feelings and fears then 
why would we be "penalized" for having them?

My mind and emotions feel all over the place.  I am wondering how much of it may have to do with the Reiki course I took over the weekend.  The instructor said things would come up for healing.  

I feel lost. I feel scared.  I feel unsupported.  I left my mother a message a week ago that she has not responded to.  Compassion tells me she doesn't know how to respond, and that maybe she is so uncomfortable with the prospect of a conversation she could be avoiding it.  I could be wrong, of course, and the only way that I would know would be if we were to talk.  Part of me wants to call her again and have that conversation, but I am so emotional, I don't know if I could handle it.  I also feel like I could go on the attack.  Guess when you hold back, the energy has to come out somehow.

My one sister kind of surprised me when I told her what was going on.  For once in my life, she told me that how I was feeling and acting was justified.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  Quite often it has been anything, but.

So back to the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario.  The idea of the theory is that what happens next is random, and unpredictable.  So while we may think we know what the story is, we may not.  The idea also seems to indicate that focusing on what is present for us in the immediate moment is more important than concerning ourselves with the things that surround us, and that may, or may not affect us.  It would seem that pathways can open up where we wouldn't think there were any.

It would seem to fit me now.  In the following scenario disaster may seem imminent.  In my life I kinda feel a bit like the deer, and sometimes it makes me feel like I would want to just give up.  It feels hopeless.  That is a part of me.  Another part wants nothing more than to persevere and prove that the things I believed and have held as possibilities are not only viable but incredibly helpful and powerful not only to me, but for others as well.

Being in the moment at the moment is incredibly challenging.  I really would like to just climb in to bed, and put the covers over my head.  I know it's not a powerful place to be...but it is where I am.  I have to work this out somehow, and either my symptoms have to subside or I need to get to a doctor or hospital to find out what is going on.  I so don't want to do that, but if something is not right, the sooner I know, the better.  At least then if I am going to be upset, it will be for a reason, and not just speculation, and I can deal with it however it is best to deal with.

So what is the Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario?

This is it:

In a remote forest, a pregnant deer is about to give birth to a baby. It finds a remote grass field near by a river and slowly goes there thinking it would be safe. As she moves slowly, she gets labor pain…. at the same moment, dark clouds gather around that area and lightning starts a forest fire.  Turning left  she sees a hunter who is aiming an arrow from a distance. As she tries to move towards right, she spots a hungry lion approaching towards her.

What can the pregnant deer do ….as she is already under labor pain ?

What do you think will happen? 

Will the deer survive? 

Will it give birth to a calf? 

Will the calf survive? or 

Will everything be burnt by the forest fire?

That particular moment ?

Can the deer go left? – Hunter’s arrow is pointing

Can she go right? – Hungry male lion approaching

Can she move up? – Forest fire

Can she move down? – Fierce river

Answer:  She does nothing. She just focuses on giving birth to a new LIFE.

The sequence of events that happens at that fraction of a second (moment) are as follows:

In a spur of MOMENT…lightning  strikes (already it is cloudy ) and blinds the eyes of the Hunter. At that MOMENT, he releases the arrow missing and zipping past the deer. At that MOMENT the arrow hits and injures the lion badly. At that MOMENT, it starts to rain heavily and puts out the forest fire. At that next MOMENT, the deer gives birth to a healthy calf.

In that moment, LIFE.  In every moment there is life.  In every moment there is LOVE.  It's like my short tale Living Life in Reverse, what am I choosing to focus on?  Why is being in the moment - divorced from the repercussions of everything mental, emotional, physical - so freaking hard?  Or, if it is "easy" why do we perceive it to be so hard?