Saturday, January 5, 2013

Freaking out & Missing "A"

Tonight I started to freak out a bit.

I checked my bank account, and it is running pretty low.

I feel like I am "running as fast as I can" to make things
work, business-wise.  But I am scared I am going to
run out of funds.

I just sent a slew of emails to a bunch of FB friends
asking for  help.  Some of the people I don't even know
that well.  But I need help.  I figure I can ask.  Worst
thing that will happen is they either will ignore me or
not help me.

If I wasn't in such a need, I wouldn't have done it.
I have many more to send.  I really have nothing to
lose at this point.

Although there was a brand new friend that I think
I may have scared off.  He asked how I was, and I
told him since he asked I was going to be bold and
tell him.

I sent him the email I was sending everyone else.  He
asked me to talk to him, so I told him what was going
on.  I then got silence.   I asked if he was there.   He
told me he had no money to give me.  My email says
I need help, and it asks if a person would consider
telling others of my need.  I also mention what I am
doing, and give a link to relatingtocancer.com as well
as my gofundme page and this blog.

I tried to paint a bigger picture with the email.  Is it
perfect?  Probably not.  But how perfect can it be?
I need help.  I need help now.  How many ways can
I say I need help?

On top of this wonderful development, I am missing
A.  He and I have gone back and forth a few times
in emails, as he will not talk to me.  I am still stunned
by what happened.

He claims he was just hanging around because he
was trying to be supportive.  As wonderful as that
may seem, it wasn't so wonderful as I had feelings
for him that only grew since it seemed he was going
to be sticking around through all that I was going

Well. I was wrong.

Right after writing the above, a friend contacted me.
She asked if I needed to talk.  I was very emotional,
and was starting to cry by that time. I told her that
I would want to talk - as long as she was OK if I
was in tears.

As I spoke with her I sobbed and my body was
shaking.  So many things going on.  I feel not only
overwhelmed, but like it is just too much.  And,
as I was saying, I miss A.  In the past just knowing
he was there gave me comfort.

Now...he says he sees me as a "sister."  Not even
sure what that means.  But we can't Skype any more.
I am "free" to send him emails or contact him on
FB if I want. I don't think he gets how I feel, or
maybe why I feel the way I do.  He has apparently
moved on, so somehow I am supposed to just be
OK with what has happened.  Never mind the fact
that while he was busy moving away I was moving
closer because of what I believed to be what we
had between us.

I wonder if you are thinking what I think you might
be thinking:  she says she's intuitive, how could she
not know?

Well, for starters, a lot of times it isn't always easy
to clearly see things for ourselves.  Having said that,
though, I think I did know.  The problem was that
when I tried to get him to say things, and give him
chances to say how he felt, he never took them.  So
it made me think maybe my feeling was wrong.

Things were off between us for some time, but I
didn't quite know what to put my finger on.
Because I had asked him to tell me if his feelings
changed, and he wasn't telling me, I thought perhaps
we could just be going through a "phase" given my
treatment and since I thought we had an "us" I was
trying to be patient, and not make something out
of nothing.

Interestingly, I thought something was off, and
when I spoke with someone she said I was needy.
Maybe you even remember the blog entry that I
wrote about it.  Still didn't think I was "needy," I
just think I was picking up on something that wasn't
seeming to make any sense to me.

So in some ways, I knew.  And it is what prompted
me to write him and ask him what was up.  It was
that letter that gave him his out, and he took it.

I thought I was somebody to him, but given the
way he has treated me, I feel like I went from a
somebody to a nobody.  I know that isn't quite
accurate.  I doubt he would have hung around if
I was a total nobody.  But compared to what I
believed to be true, I was certainly no longer the
somebody I thought I was.

I also thought I was dealing with this.  But tonight
showed me not so much.  I really am missing him
like crazy.  I used to send text messages at times,
and now there is no reason to.  I used to like feeling
connected to him, and now he has stepped back in
a HUGE way.

I really don't understand what happened, even though
he did his best to explain it to me.

He says he wants to be friends.   I don't know if he
knows what that means.  But then again, maybe I just
don't know what it means for him to be someone's
friend.  Apparently it looks nothing like what I was

I told him in time I would get over what I felt.  But I
also told him that I need to feel what I feel, and I am
sorry if it bothers him.  I told him that the depth of
what I feel now is in direct proportion to what I felt
for him, and how deeply I felt it.  If I just walked away
without emotion and calmly it would say that everything
that I ever told him was not true.

The pain I feel is only a natural thing that would follow,
give how much I came to care for him.

And damn, it sucks.

No comments:

Post a Comment