I debated about just going to bed when I got home.
I am exhausted.
I started the day crying so hard my eyelids were
swollen and my eyes redder than red.
I was crying about something I am not yet ready
to talk about in detail. But I will say I was crying
in part because I had asked someone to please
respect a wish of mine which they did not. I told
the person that it would be worse for me if my
wish was not respected.
And I am pretty sure I was right.
Part of the timing was my own fault. My intuition
kept telling me something was off. I needed to
know what was really up so I expressed myself
yesterday. I got my response today.
I know I am upset about other things. I know
that the strength of my upset is too strong for
"just" this, but it doesn't help to know that
logically when I don't really know what is at
the foundation of it all which means I don't
really know how to deal with it.
I was really emotional all day today and I had
to do a number of things, as I had a pet scan last
night. One of my appointments was to find out
the results of the scan.
This morning I was so emotional I just wanted
to chuck the whole damn day. I didn't want to
deal with anything. At the same time, I knew
I needed to respect the people who I had
There were a lot of spontaneous tears and
sobbing - and I was holding back.
On top of everything else, I think that the last
several months have hit me - now - hard. I
think I might have been in part survivor mode
and part denial mode to get through all that I
have gone through.
I think it has just now hit me the significance
of it all. And I wondered what the scan would
show. The implications - either way - were
a big deal. If I needed more chemo, it would
suck. If I didn't need more chemo it would
Why would I say that second sentence? It
probably seems odd.
I say it because I am in the aftermath of treatment.
Treatment ends, and I still have the effects of
chemo running through me for 6 months to a year.
I need to be cancer free for two years for there to
be a good chance that it will never come back.
If I go and find a place to live - provided I am
able to work out a way to get my business back
and an income - I run the risk of being really
screwed with a lease if I have a recurrence.
I am going to have to move sometime in the next
several months, and I have no clue where I can
go. Any option that might be even remotely
possible is not necessarily a good one for me
emotionally, which likely means it is not a good
one for me physically.
Some people think I could live with my mom.
But my mom has never said it or suggested it.
I don't think it is a good idea. I think I would
have to be pretty desperate to even consider it.
One day I will share more about my dynamic with
her. Suffice it to say for now that I didn't grow
up with her and she has yet to ask me how I am
financially, or ask if I need help, or offer any
There are so many issues.
So many concerns.
So many questions.
Today I got the news that I had a totally clear
scan. No asterisk.
That should be good news, right?
I should be thrilled, shouldn't I?
Instead, I am sitting here thinking that I am now
going to live, and for what?
I know that may sound terrible.
But before this my business was hurting.
Now I am financially crippled and don't
even have a business. And while I am
no longer doing chemo, it still affects
me in a number of ways that aren't exactly
beneficial or helpful regarding to moving
I NEED to breathe.
And I don't know how to.
I feel so stressed. And worried.
I also feel so alone. Someone tried to tell
me that I should join a support group.
They tried to tell me I am not alone.
Yes. People talk to me. But I need HELP.
I need TANGIBLE HELP. I need more than
just words of support. I can't live - and pay
bills - on those words.
And I don't know how to get it.
I have asked. And I know people are
reading what I write, but very little happens.
I don't know what to do.
And now there is no longer any sign of
cancer. And if I want to keep it that way
I am going to have to do whatever I can
to aid that process.
It scares me that I may be living and not
be sure why I am here, unable to do what
I am capable of, and suffering financially.
It also scares me that a part of me may
want to die enough that I could possibly
help to bring it back. A short time before
I was diagnosed I was in tears talking to
someone and said that if I died then I
would be OK with it.
Kinda ironic, don't you think?
I keep hearing, "Now what?" echoing in
I want to make a difference for others.
And I do. Often. And others have told
me how great it is that I have made a
difference. But often it is not with
payment. As nice as it is to know that
I impact others, and maybe get karma
points, I need to make a living.
How can I function if I can't pay bills?
This so sucks. There are no words that
can convey how I really feel. Even though
I have just used a lot of words to attempt to
get somewhere in the vicinity.
I really want to retreat.
Maybe I will.
I need a break. A break from the reality
that seems to be my life. I just don't know
how to get it. Wherever I go, there I am.
I can't get away from me.
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