The Results Are In

I debated about just going to bed when I got home.

I am exhausted.

I started the day crying so hard my eyelids were
swollen and my eyes redder than red.

I was crying about something I am not yet ready
to talk about in detail. But I will say I was crying
in part because I had asked someone to please
respect a wish of mine which they did not.  I told
the person that it would be worse for me if my
wish was not respected.

And I am pretty sure I was right.

Part of the timing was my own fault.  My intuition
kept telling me something was off.  I needed to
know what was really up so I expressed myself
yesterday.  I got my response today.

I know I am upset about other things.  I know
that the strength of my upset is too strong for
"just" this, but it doesn't help to know that
logically when I don't really know what is at
the foundation of it all which means I don't
really know how to deal with it.

I was really emotional all day today and I had
to do a number of things, as I had a pet scan last
night.  One of my appointments was to find out
the results of the scan.

This morning I was so emotional I just wanted
to chuck the whole damn day.  I didn't want to
deal with anything.  At the same time, I knew
I needed to respect the people who I had
appointments with.

There were a lot of spontaneous tears and
sobbing - and I was holding back.

On top of everything else, I think that the last
several months have hit me - now - hard.  I
think I might have been in part survivor mode
and part denial mode to get through all that I
have gone through.

I think it has just now hit me the significance
of it all.  And I wondered what the scan would
show.  The implications - either way - were
a big deal.  If I needed more chemo, it would
suck.  If I didn't need more chemo it would
suck.

Why would I say that second sentence?  It
probably seems odd.

I say it because I am in the aftermath of treatment.
Treatment ends, and I still have the effects of
chemo running through me for 6 months to a year.

I need to be cancer free for two years for there to
be a good chance that it will never come back.
If I go and find a place to live - provided I am
able to work out a way to get my business back
and an income - I run the risk of being really
screwed with a lease if I have a recurrence.

I am going to have to move sometime in the next
several months, and I have no clue where I can
go.  Any option that might be even remotely
possible is not necessarily a good one for me
emotionally, which likely means it is not a good
one for me physically.

Some people think I could live with my mom.
But my mom has never said it or suggested it.
I don't think it is a good idea.  I think I would
have to be pretty desperate to even consider it.

One day I will share more about my dynamic with
her.  Suffice it to say for now that I didn't grow
up with her and she has yet to ask me how I am
financially, or ask if I need help, or offer any
assistance.

There are so many issues.
So many concerns.
So many questions.

And now...

Today I got the news that I had a totally clear
scan.  No asterisk.

That should be good news, right?

I should be thrilled, shouldn't I?

Instead, I am sitting here thinking that I am now
going to live, and for what?

I know that may sound terrible.

But before this my business was hurting.
Now I am financially crippled and don't
even have a business.  And while I am
no longer doing chemo, it still affects
me in a number of ways that aren't exactly
beneficial or helpful regarding to moving
forward.

I NEED to breathe.

And I don't know how to.

I feel so stressed. And worried.

I also feel so alone.  Someone tried to tell
me that I should join a support group.
They tried to tell me I am not alone.

Yes.  People talk to me.  But I need HELP.
I need TANGIBLE HELP.  I need more than
just words of support.  I can't live - and pay
bills - on those words.

And I don't know how to get it.

I have asked.  And I know people are
reading what I write, but very little happens.

I don't know what to do.

And now there is no longer any sign of
cancer.   And if I want to keep it that way
I am going to have to do whatever I can
to aid that process.

It scares me that I may be living and not
be sure why I am here, unable to do what
I am capable of, and suffering financially.

It also scares me that a part of me may
want to die enough that I could possibly
help to bring it back.  A short time before
I was diagnosed I was in tears talking to
someone and said that if I died then I
would be OK with it.

Kinda ironic, don't you think?

I keep hearing, "Now what?" echoing in
my head.

I want to make a difference for others.
And I do.  Often.  And others have told
me how great it is that I have made a
difference.  But often it is not with
payment.  As nice as it is to know that
I impact others, and maybe get karma
points, I need to make a living.

How can I function if I can't pay bills?

This so sucks.  There are no words that
can convey how I really feel.  Even though
I have just used a lot of words to attempt to
get somewhere in the vicinity.

I really want to retreat.

Maybe I will.

I need a break.  A break from the reality
that seems to be my life.  I just don't know
how to get it.  Wherever I go, there I am.
I can't get away from me.

Ugh.

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