Late Night Ramblings

So many things are on my mind tonight. So many things have been floating through my head the last several days.

I have done some videos lately, and if you haven't seen them, and are interested, please visit GotStressGetRelief.com (my YouTube channel). As I type that, I realize that many of the things that I have posted there aren't exactly stress busting.

Oh well.

One day maybe I will do something about it. There are all kinds of reasons everything I have done is all together, even though I had thought at one time that I would separate things out. It just didn't happen. I think I can blame technology a bit for it. YouTube/Google has at times been painful to interact with, especially if you want multiple accounts.

One thing that I noticed recently is that it seems we like to be competitive. At the very least, we compare ourselves to others. I had thought about a blog entry called something like, "Life is Not a Contest, and I am Winning."

There are times people who are going through things will say something to me like, "I shouldn't complain, after all, look at what YOU are going through." On the other end of the spectrum people might say, "Well at least you can..." in comparison to their can't.

While it might seem to be useful in some way, and maybe at times it actually is, I think it really often doesn't do much good. Whatever a person is going through is valid for the person. Whatever might seem traumatic or a big deal in some way may not be for another, but it is not another who has to live with it.

I never want someone to minimize their own experience, and I never want mine to be minimized, either. And that is why I bring it up. Perhaps in addressing this, it will give anyone who is reading some perspective that might alter how they interact with another.

I am sure I have been guilty of these things myself over the years, but hopefully not recently. I have found that the more I become aware of and share, the more I pay attention to the way I respond to another's situation.

So...that was one thing.

Another thing, while it should likely be a different blog entry, is something that I have noticed lately. For a long time, I have felt invisible when it comes to guys. When I got back from my trip, I was walking by a guy who said, "hello pretty lady." I didn't feel so pretty, and I am not even sure I was wearing make-up, and yet, he said that.

It was quite an ego boost.

Then, yesterday I posted the above picture, and got quite the response from people. I was very tired, but feeling good when I took it. I had just gotten back from the On Purpose Women's Holiday Event that was lovely, but did not give me anywhere near the kind of income that would have had me feeling good about (given the amount of money I spent getting ready for it).

I was very calm. Feeling really good. Better than I probably had a "right" to be. And I guess it showed.

In the midst of this is a bit of weirdness for me. A friend, whose mom had had cancer, used to tell me how pissed off she would be when she felt like crap, but everyone always told her how good she looked. I wonder if people know what cancer looks like, or just think they do?

Talia was a young woman who was a make up artist who often looked stunning, despite the fact that she was told she was going to die within the year. Somehow I think people think if you look good, then there is no reason to think that things aren't good.

I share this because I am walking a tightrope at the moment. Last I knew I still had spots. I got great news that some had backtracked, and it might as well have been that I was clear as far as I was concerned given all that I had been feeling. But the thing is, I am still in a predicament. I still may have spots. I am still financially drained and concerned. I am still energetically drained. I spent almost all day today sleeping, in fact. Thankfully I felt better when I woke up, but I felt pretty lousy when I went to bed last night.

I see the oncologist next week, and we will talk. He would like me to entertain using Avastin again. As far as I am concerned, I am not so sure. I also have the added concern of the fact that I will be switching doctors and treatment facilities in January, due to the healthcare changes.

I am also going to be moving in the next month, or so, too. My friend is getting close to having a new house. Thankfully I can move with him, so a major concern I had is thankfully no more, but I still have to find the energy to do what I need to to move.

The list I have is endless.

And I bet you are thinking, "Me, too."

(Kinda can't help ourselves sometimes, can we?)

I think there are times that the "Me, too," gets in the way of a person being able or willing to help me, as they are looking at what they are going through. If *I* am feeling like she is, why should I help HER?

It is a good question. It is one I grapple with a lot, as I have been hearing it a lot. Others have long lists of things to worry about. Others have money issues. Others have health issues. Others don't have jobs, are struggling, are trying to make it.

It's almost like why in the world would I "expect" that anyone would help ME?

Well.

I don't.

I don't expect anything, actually. If anything, I have done what I can to make a case for myself, and a case for why someone would want to help, or why someone would. I have even made it really easy by saying even $1 helps, and I mean it. I have made a case for how valuable it would be and could be if we could help each other by thinking small enough.

So often we think in grand terms, and when we can't meet them, well, then, oh well.

I would rather not ask for help. I would rather not need it. I would never have made it this far without it, though. The generosity of others has been astounding. When I was diagnosed last May, I hoped to manage to get to December, end of treatment. It is now a year later, and I am still managing to stand. I am a bit wobbly at times, but I am still going.

Someone asked me today what my goals are for the next year. I got silent for a minute. In my head, I heard "to survive." When I posted the image above, I said I was grateful for still being here. When I took that image I thought about how it might never have been. In so many ways I believe my trip saved my life. I truly believe that. And I am so grateful to have gotten to this place, even though I don't exactly know where "here" is.

After I shared that thought, I added that I still wanted to write a book, and get back on the road with a sponsor or sponsors, and that I intended to speak and speak out whenever I could on radio shows and in places where there would be some who would listen.

I think there are many like me. I am finding more as time goes by. I think the reason we don't know about them, or hear about them, is because no one wants to hear about the things we discuss. I guess I can't blame anyone for that. It is a sucky subject in a lot of ways.

I was also asked today what I would tell someone who was just diagnosed and freaking out. It was a bit hard to answer that question as I don't think I ever officially freaked out in the beginning. But what I came to was that a person should do the best they can to listen to their inner voice, that somehow they would know what best to do.

I knew a hysterectomy is what I needed. Chemo not so much. I have second guessed that second choice many times. I am not sure that is really the way I was to go. But being diagnosed is in many ways like being caught up in a tidal wave. It is really hard to feel like you control anything. So much that is new and unknown shows up, and often action is required very quickly. It can make your head spin.

Why do I share this? Because it has been on my mind, and I can. I share it because I believe it is one of the reasons I am still here. While there are others like me, I believe that I likely communicate differently than the others who do things like I do. I have not seen another blog like this one. I can't say I have tried very hard to find one, but I have looked. I would love to know that there were others who were speaking about things the way I do. I think it is important and needed.

(If you ever know of someone, please let me know.  I would be interested to hear about them).

I saw a story about a young cancer patient. He is a singer who many believe is inspiring because he is so positive. In the comment section of the article about him, there was a link to another article about stop asking cancer survivors to be so positive. Unfortunately I can't seem to find it now, but if I do find it again, I want to link to it, as I think (I found it) it is an excellent article. It also one that I commented on. I wonder how many people who tell me to "stay positive" would be positive if they were dealing with all that I have had to deal with. It just really isn't realistic, and it is pretty unfair to ask of someone who is dealing with something difficult and painful, and quite frankly if you tell someone that, it is probably more about you than it is about them.

I have probably written at least 3 blog entries in this one. If you've actually made it to this part, congratulations. :) I appreciate you taking the time. I know in the quickie, sound bite world we live in, it is highly unlikely that many will actually make it this far, and actually read every word. But that is OK. I truly believe that these words are meant for whoever does manage to read them, and not anyone else. So if someone is meant to see them, they will.

In the meantime, I will keep sharing because I feel I need to - for me, and for anyone else who might be listening.

(Big breath)
I really wonder what's next.

Good night.

Afternoon Dreams

It is the afternoon. I have not been feeling well, and feeling pretty tired. I went to sleep, and just awoke from a dream. A series of dreams, sort of. It all seemed connected in some way...

I dreamt I saw my aunt (who passed away earlier this year, and whose birthday was just in the last couple of days) and younger versions of members of my family. My aunt was looking pretty young, too. They had come to the door of a house. I was surprised to see them. I wanted to take a picture, but could not locate my camera. 

I pulled out my phone and ipad, and found myself wondering if they seemed so real, if I would have a real picture of them. In some ways I was kind of almost desperate to test the reality of the moment, and how it would show up afterward. 

For some reason, I could not get any device to work. At some point, others around that I had spoken to were starting to fly around in the sky, kind of like what you might see of angels images, or of images of those ascending. They all looked like they were flying with their arms extended, and going in an upward spiral.

At first it was one, than another, and I am pretty sure there were a few. And then my aunt joined them, and then they were gone.

I was then walking around in the area that seemed to be near water and sand. I got to a place that I remembered was supposed to be downtown, and it was two hotel areas intertwined, and two restaurants and two pools. 

But I was trying to get to the beach, and it was later in the day, so I wanted to be there before dark. I was concerned about getting back to my car. 

I had walked around a lot, and was afraid I would not find my way back.

Going back a bit, I was walking around the town at some point, and there were many that I was seeing who seemed dressed more for a colonial period. I wondered if they were ghosts, or people just dressed in costume for the holiday, as there was much of Christmas around.

I could not seem to take pictures, either, and at some point reluctantly gave up. Part of it, too, was that I thought I saw one thing, but then it was another. it was almost as things might have once been, and then how it was modern day. 

In one case I could see a flat view of a gorgeous sunset, but then there was a building in the way. It made no sense.

And then there were a chain of people together. I think it was meant to be a "fun" thing. But it was innerving, and they seemed to be trying to get me. At one point I was in the middle of a big circle, alone, and they came toward me. 

I somehow managed to get by them.

So back to the two hotels. I tried to get to the beach, and the only way there seemed to be a moving walkway at some point that seemed to be used suddenly like a conveyor belt for a number of people's business materials, and it was going in the opposite direction I wanted to go in.

It seemed some sort of event was going on, and I tried to lift myself above it all, so I did not get in the way. I thought it would stop at some point. And it did, but only because it was a mess, and things were falling off.

At that point, i knew it was getting later, so I gave up and went back toward the door. People were saying things for a bit, but there was a lot of noise, and many things going on. 

It also seemed I was still seeing a mixture of people from the past and present. As I left, I ran into a woman who was talking about some sort of loss. I felt like she may not have been "real," but I told her something that seemed to help her feel peaceful right before she went upstairs.

I thought I should have told her more about me, or how to find me, but it all just happened so fast. I was just glad I could help/make a difference.

When I got outside it was considerably darker. I wanted to cross a street, but at one moment it looked like a flat street area, and the next, like I would be walking off a cliff. It went back and forth a couple of times, and because it seemed too dangerous to take a chance, I turned right and headed down a hill.

Somewhere in there the dream ended. I never made it back to my car.

Up Late. Again.

Tonight I have been going through my images as I get ready for the event in a couple of days. It is strange going back through images that go back several years. This one was from March 23, 2009. I was about half way through my California "tenure."

I look at myself from those past years and I wonder if I still see "me." I know that might sound strange. But the person I was then isn't the one I am now. I look kind of the same in my face (although I do wonder how much it may have aged now), but my hair is certainly not the same. If find myself wondering if it will ever get back to what it once was. And I am not sure. I actually figured out when I first went on chemo that it would likely take up to 3 years for it to get back to what it was when I lost it. I am now at the beginning of year two. At the beginning, and on a bit shaky ground.

There are times I forget I am dealing with cancer. There are times I act as if all is right and OK with the world. Instead of it being my reality, it is kind of what I fool myself into at times. Although as I say that, fooling would imply a conscious choice and effort. The times I forget it is not because I want to, it is just that I get caught up in actually living and I forget that there is a chance I could die.

It is a tightrope that I walk. And it is one that I am really uncomfortable with at times. Before I left for my trip I was supposed to write my wishes for what I wanted if something happened to me. I didn't. A part of me resents the idea that people think that they know better than I do. Perhaps they do, but when one is dealing with something like I am dealing with, the last thing that one needs is someone else reminding them of the possibilities and starkness of the potential realities.

Of course no one does it out of meanness. At least I would hope not. I know it is done with the best of intentions. But it still sucks, in a big way.

05/13/09

I realize it may leave people wondering how to act. Do they act like things are serious, or do they act "normal?" It is hard to answer that question. When I made the video in which I felt like I was giving up after the news I got, it seemed that some people who didn't act like they got it before, seemed to get it in a different way. Did they not get it before? Did they get it differently? I really don't know. But it seemed to take me being in one of the lowest places possible for them to act in a way that suggested that maybe they got it when before it didn't seem like it as much.

I feel like there is more to say about this, but I am tired. I just glanced at the clock. Dang. It's 1:35 in the morning. The day has gone by so very quickly. I only have a little more time to get things together for Tuesday. Tomorrow I have to start thinking through a few administrative pieces that I have yet to clarify in my head.

I wish I could just stay in my creative head.
It is so much easier.

Whatever it is on Tuesday, it is. I have to accept that. I have to plan on that. I have to know that whatever it becomes, it will be exactly the way it needs to be.

I just really hope that if I stumble in the process, it isn't big tumble.

It Sucks When People Don't See Things the Way I Do

This blog entry takes quite a course. I write more for me to attempt to make sense of what I am feeling than I do to make sense for someone else. 

Sometimes worlds collide, and people get what I am saying, and it is wonderful. :)

If you want the upshot of it all, scroll down to the bolded text. 

Thanks for stopping by.

**

Recently I told people that they could share any prayer requests that they had on my Facebook Relating to cancer page. Since then I have also actively been posting to other people's pages when I see requests that they can share with Reiki Ward and with my page. I don't want to assume that I can share the requests, so I have just let them know in the comment section.

Yes. It is a way of letting others know about my page. However, it is more about what the page is intended to represent, rather than an advertisement for me. Yes. I am sharing my story. Yes. I am looking to make money. Yes. There are many components to this.

There are many components to life. And we seem to have difficulties when the components cross paths. Everything is supposed to be so black and white, right? Best to keep anything that could resemble advertising separate from the good you want to do, or else people might think you are doing something offensive or inappropriate.

I mention this because in response to one of my postings, someone told me that they were taking my comment down. They felt I was advertising to their friends. They also felt that I hadn't been supportive, and questioned if I had liked their page.

The fact is that I haven't not been supportive. I have shared about this person's work more than once. As far as I know I did like her page. At the core what I felt bothered me the most was that her perspective was not only unfair, but inaccurate.

At the same time, like I often do, I tried to step back and look at it. If I was truly being honest, was I guilty of what she claimed I was doing?

I want to be mindful of other people's experiences of me, but I have been making an effort to step away from allowing the reactions of others to affect me in a way that I wind up doubting and questioning myself.

I think there is a difference between questioning a situation and questioning myself. I think so, any way. A part of me feels defensive even having this conversation as it may make me seem selfish and self-centered. And of course we all know how bad that is, right?

My whole body is feeling off now. A button was pushed. I really hate when a person makes up in their mind what they think I am saying or doing, and then in their communications and actions have me feeling judged for the results of their perceptions. I have such a strong reaction to it. It makes me want to retreat. And the last thing I need to do right now is retreat.

When things like this happen, it is like the brakes suddenly are applied, and everything comes to a screeching halt.

On a slightly separate, but related topic, I have been thinking lately about how so much of what we are exposed to these days has a cost attached. It is so prevalent, that we assume that there has to be a cost, even when none is stated. Marketers and advertisers have trained us so well, haven't they?

It seems to me that it makes us way too sensitive to anything that resembles advertising for something that makes money. A part of me reacts to what has happened, and wonders if I should break things out. Another part of me says NO in the loudest way possible.

Why?

I think it is because life isn't the neat little boxes we want it to be. Life is messy. It is a myriad of things, and when we try to break the pieces out, they lose a part of themselves, and we lose a part of ourselves. Who I am is many things. How I am is many ways. I know some will tell us the best way to be, and it is nothing like I have been - especially not in the last year and a half.

It is not my intention to piss people off, but I know I do. I know I rub people the wrong way because I am not playing the game we are supposed to play very well - if at all. I have spent a good part of my life trying to be the "good girl" and having people like me. I was never popular as a kid, and a part of me can only believe it was because I somehow was doing things wrong. If I had been doing them right, I would have had more friends, right?

As I grew up, it was very uncomfortable when someone disapproved of me. It made me question myself endlessly. It was not a pleasant way to live. But it had become such a part of me that I would agonize when I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me because I could not see things the way another thought I should. At the same time, a part of me knew nothing was wrong. Quite the inner battle has been raged.

These days I sometimes do worry about how I am coming across, as I am having a very hard time doing things. I am so busy trying to do things to make money, I am not doing every day things. The apartment where I live is a mess. My head is a mess. People I have wanted to thank haven't been (a friend's comment, "Maybe if you were more grateful, people would help you more," rings in my head. Despite the fact that I have thanked many, any I haven't thanked I in some way risk offending.)

People see slices of my life and probably think everything is just fine. Well. It is. And it is not. I live every day with the fact that there is stuff going on in my body that only a few short weeks ago was progressively getting worse. At the moment, I am not sure where it stands, and that is the part of the "fun" of my life right now. Where on the wheel of life it stands, is anyone's guess, and my uncertain reality which often gets minimized by the fact that none of us really know anything.

There was a guy recently who tweeted about a woman on a plane who apparently was quite rude with the people around her. The story wasn't true. But in the midst of the story and its telling, someone said that the woman had had cancer, and was dying. A conversation ensued as to how she was supposed to - and not supposed to - act.

When I thought about it, I have been reminded about times that my emotions got the best of me. Once I was really stressed with what was going on in my life, and was on the phone with a credit card company. I was really pissed, and the person at the other end of the phone said, "I understand..." My response was, "You don't (!!!!!!) understand anything!" 

That wasn't the me I knew. That was the me that was super-duper beyond stressed, and I cracked. We all do, and the sad thing is that we can't always control when we do it, and who we do it with, and sometimes there may be someone there to report it to the world for their judgment. And sometimes it might just be one person's judgment and disapproval that we will be met with.

In some ways, my situation is no different than anyone else's. I would like to think I am special, and that my situation is exceptional, but at the core it isn't much different than what others experience.

At the same time, if those who aren't faced with what I am think that what we deal with is similar, then it is less likely they will want to help and be less likely to understand the things that don't happen the way they are supposed to. I have been struggling for a while to figure out a way to say what I just did. I have run up against that more than once in the last year and a half.

I struggled before cancer showed up, but it is nothing like what it has been since it arrived. I may have thought and felt things before, but they're nothing like what I have felt and experienced since. The person who struggles today is not the same person who struggled before. While the essence of the struggle may be the same, the struggle itself is not.

As I have been writing, I feel calmer. But I still have that inner, uncomfortable feeling when I think about what happened. I wrote her and said that nothing like what she thought was intended, and that I can appreciate how she saw things. I don't have to like it, or agree with it, to appreciate that there was a different perspective. I also don't have to take things as personally as her message sounded.

Maybe I do suck. Maybe I am selfish and self-centered. Maybe the world is all about me. And maybe there are just times it seems that I think that. And maybe if I am being all about me, there is a reason, just like when there are times that you are all about you. I am sure you have a reason, too.

My intention often is to take care of other people - even at personal cost. I know that all anyone knows is what they think they know, so you may not know that about me. You may not know about all that I have done for others because the focus is on the things I haven't done, or think you know.

I have never said I was perfect. And things like this remind me to be understanding when it comes to others and their communications and potential motives. It is interesting to me to note that I have had more than one person jump all over a judgment of me and my actions in the last year and a half. 

I wonder if I have ever made anyone feel like these people have made me feel with their communications. If so, I am so sorry. I don't think I have, but I am guessing that these people may not have thought they have, either.

When we are so busy judging and correcting another's behavior, we often see nothing wrong with our own, do we?

In re-reading this, I see I was all over the place. If you kept up with it all, congrats. It is hard for me to sometimes understand what is in my own head, which makes conveying it in some way that makes sense a bit difficult.

It was not my intention to lay my judgment on anyone, but rather share my thoughts. A person has the ability to do whatever they feel is right for their life, whether we understand it, or not. 

I think one of my biggest problems is when my words, actions or intentions are taken in a way that were not only unintended, but also potentially make me look bad in the process. Because that can happen, it makes me wonder if it is possible for is to give each other a bit more slack when it comes to our interactions with others.

It would be pretty amazing if we could connect more to the common deeper parts of our experience than the superficial, which can often divide us or distort who we truly are.

Lastly, I want to address my Facebook page's purpose. It is only about me when I am the only one posting. I don't want to be the only one posting. Person after person that I have met I have encouraged to post. I have asked people to share about themselves and their stories. I share things that have nothing to do with me. I share things unrelated to cancer. I share things related to life.

At the same time, I share there about my story and my journey. Part of my story and journey is how I am trying to earn money. It wasn't so much that before my trip, but it is something that is very much a part of what is happening now. A PART.

The page is intended to be about so much more than just me and my story, but people aren't posting, for whatever reason they are not posting, but it isn't because of a lack of desire on my part. It isn't because it is closed off to posts of others.

It is open, and I would love it if more people would participate, and even talk amongst themselves. I can't be sure, but it might just be indicative of the culture that we have around the topic of cancer. Very few talk about it.

I have a habit of going where I am not expected to go. I don't go where those who are talking about cancer go. They're already talking about it. I go to where it is not being talked about it, and start talking. I am pretty sure that this is what I am supposed to be doing, but boy is it an uphill climb at times.

If you are inclined to say something in the group, please do. If you have something you think others would benefit from, please share. Any questions? Please ask.

Thanks.

More (Artistic) Goodies (Video)

I have been creating more things. I found a way to cover light plates with some of my designs, so I can (to some degree) replicate the plates I painted. The 3rd from the left is one of those replications. The other plates are other designs of mine that I have made prints of.

The painted ones are one of a kind in that I cannot fully replicate them, and the color of the reproductions will vary from the original. There will be only one painted version of each, unless I find a way to do otherwise.

I am really enjoying doing this work, and am excited about the possibilities. Because these are made by hand, and by hand is imperfect, they have imperfections, and I think it is great that they do. However, there may be those who expect them to be perfect, in which case they are not for you. They are for those who can appreciate the perfection in seeming imperfection.

If you have any questions, please be in touch. As a reminder, I will also be at the Homewood Suites on December 10 sharing my work. I hope if you decide to go, you'll stop by along the way.

For anyone who is willing to help me, a great way to do that is to please share my work. I need to put together a page that has everything in some way that makes some semblance of sense. I am making this up as I go along, and because of that it may not be as clear and concise as it could be, or that others would like. But in time I will get there. It is an evolution, just like life.

Here is a video of the print images that I have. Enjoy :)

I am hoping that this will spark the interest of those who see it. I guess time will tell. :)

Thanksgiving Thoughts

The picture is of some of the things I have been working on. I feel a bit funny posting about them today, when it's a holiday, and there is way too much commercialism as a part of the day that I am not a fan of.  However, I have been struggling a good part of the day to figure out how to write some of the things I have been thinking about, and I may be on the verge of figuring out what it is I want to say.

I just read something that suggested that we should treat every day like a holiday. I don't know about that, exactly, but in the sense that we seem to be more mindful, caring, and compassionate of others on those days, THAT I could definitely vote for on a more regular basis.

Outside of the holidays those who are struggling continue to struggle, but with no holiday to call the attention of others to help out. Fortunate is the person during the course of the year who gets the help they need without a person feeling compelled to in some way because it is a holiday.

I think I am more mindful of those who are struggling these days because of my struggle. There are way too many who don't know where they're going to live, how they're going to eat, how they're going to do the most basic things in life that those with a steady income take for granted.

Many people are judged in all kinds of ways, when in fact, it takes a lot of energy to "just" make it. I am fairly certain that those who are struggling wish they could find a way to make a living, to make some money. Getting people to help financially is not as easy as one might think, and sadly, it seems some of the people who are the best at getting it are the ones who least need it, which makes people more skeptical of helping.

Having said that, I think that is how I can tie in my posting of my switch plates. My situation does not take a holiday. It does not take a break. At least not one that the calendar says. Every day I am the same person who is struggling in some ways to not only survive, but actually be productive in this world and to contribute to it in some beneficial way. And it just so happened that I created the image today, so I am sharing it today.

The way I was making a living before was as a hypnotist and coach and it is not working now for several reasons, although I could still function as those things, if I had clients. Recently I was inspired to paint, so that is what I have been doing a lot of. I am thankful for the inspiration, and the ability to do the work I have been doing, and regardless of what happens next, it has been awesome and exciting. 

But, I have also been spending money to make this happen. I have been expending a lot of effort that I don't always have. I am giving everything I got, in the hope that I have something that finally clicks in a way that I can begin to see an income of some sort. I have never wanted to ask others for money, or get any kind of government support, but have had no choice but to reach out. And there is nothing worse than reaching out, and being met with deafening silence of the majority of people who are aware of my situation.

For a long time I have been aware of "my" creativity. But as I grew up, it was not something that was easily in the picture. Creativity as a way to make a living is not only not encouraged, but often is discouraged. It is kind of ironic to me that the thing I am grasping onto right now is the very thing many would say does not work, and is not viable.

But I really do not have a choice.

I have spent a good part of my time the past few days seeing what I can do to create prints from my work. I have been trying to figure out pricing, and have been changing things as I go along. In my heart I really want to help others who are struggling, too. Someone told me I should focus on me. Part of my idea to help others helps me in a way, too, as it feeds my heart. I have to believe that in helping others I am somehow going to be helping myself in the process.

I haven't come to any conclusions yet. It really is a struggle. If I could, I would give everything away. I really have a hard time with the more commercial aspects of life. However, I am leaning toward giving a percentage of the sales to the Cancer Support Foundation and Cindy Carter, who does tremendous work with those dealing with cancer related issues who have no one else and no where else to turn to to survive.

By buying my work, you will not only be able to help me in a way that is tangible for me, you will be getting something I hope you will love in the process. In addition, you will be helping others as well, through the donations to Cindy's organization. This will not be a one time thing if I figure out how to implement it. It will be an every day thing. It will be a constant, consistent choice on my part to try to do what I can for others.

Some may wonder why I would do this. One of the reasons is because it scares me when I hear some of the worst stories. I could be one of them. I am very much on the edge in my life right now, and there isn't much that is keeping me from falling off the edge.

However, I am extraordinarily grateful for the fact that I have been able to stay on this side of things, and that I at least have a place to stay. If you don't know where you are going to live, you can't exactly do the kinds of things I have been doing. When all you are doing is trying to survive, there isn't much else you can do.

I am going to suggest that if you are reading this you consider looking at the holidays not so much as a special occasion, but more of a reminder of how you could be every day, the rest of the year. Imagine how amazing life could be if we just gave a gift spontaneously because we wanted to. How amazing a family dinner would be, just because you wanted to have one. Imagine what it would be like to help those along the way who needed it, when they needed it. As wonderful as anything you are doing now is, and as welcome as it is, there are likely times those who are helped now are in greater need, and no one is paying attention.

I struggled with writing this in part because everyone wants the holidays to always be so positive, so UP, so happy. As I write this, I realize how people treat the holidays is the same way they treat those things they find uncomfortable. They ignore all the stuff that gives them discomfort, and practically demand that the focus is only on the good and the things that one should be grateful for. They'll say "Be Positive." How the reality of the moment is perceived often is not the true reality.

So many times I will suggest that people just be themselves in the moment. I think it is really hard to do that when society, friends, family are telling you how you are supposed to be. I wonder what the "real" version of who we are as people is. Who are we divorced from the expectations and pressures?

I feel like there is a much bigger picture here, and a larger conversation to be had. I am still not sure I said what I needed to, as I am not quite sure what it was. I am struggling to find the words, knowing that as with many things I talk about, people aren't going to be very comfortable with what they're reading. I imagine some may have tuned out by now, or at the very least are thinking about how much they love about the holidays, and what they need to do, and...anything to stay away from the discomfort of something that isn't expected for a day like today.

I know what is "expected." Funny thing is, though, that in dealing with my diagnosis, and the fine line I walk between life and death, I realize that time is wasted when speaking what others want to hear and expect to hear. I have no time for that and, quite frankly, neither should you.

I am grateful to still be here to see another day, to be able to enjoy the blustery weather. To enjoy my favorite season. I am grateful for the opportunity to be creative and create, and to have lived long enough to have made creations I didn't even know were possible a few short weeks ago. I am also grateful to you and for you. The fact that you are here and reading my words means something. Maybe neither one of us knows what that is, but it does mean something.

I had wondered if anything meant anything prior to my trip. Someone told me that everything meant something. In my down and desperate state, I wasn't sure I agreed. I have seen too much in the last few weeks to think otherwise at this point. Everything means something. We just don't have a clue what it is most of the time.

Thank you for being a part of my life's experiences. And if in any way I speak to you or your heart or mind in a way that encourages you to step back and reconsider life and the things you do, you could thank me by allowing yourself to follow the path that calls you.  You might just be amazed.

And if you do that...I would love to hear about what happened.

I was about to suggest that you come back here in a year and let me know, but then realized that there is no reason to wait. There is no time like the moment you come to a realization. There is no moment like the present to share. In addition, we are not promised another single moment here than the one we currently have. So use it up. Share it. Share your love. Live for now. Give life to the words in your heart. They will never be the same coming from someone else, and they could be lost forever while you wait for the right time or circumstance to say them.

The best part of the holidays doesn't just live one day on the calendar. It lives in the life we give each moment, and to each other any day of the year.

Much joy and love and peace to you.

Exciting News (Video)

A couple of new videos from today. The longer version of the news involves both. The second one may suffice for anyone who wants the quicker version. In short, I got prints of some of my new work today, and they are wonderful, or at least *I* think so. Of course my hope is that others will agree.

I appreciate it if you would share the (at least the second) video with others. In it I share the images. If interested in purchasing any of the prints, please let me know. I would love to sell them to you. :) It has been very difficult not making money, and I am hoping that because I am being so prolific, it means something financially as I really don't have much in the way of options right now.

I will be at the On Purpose Woman Event on December 10 at the Homewood Suites in Columbia with these images and more. If you are in Maryland, perhaps you can come. It is a free event, and all are welcome to attend.

PS
If you believe in me, and what I am doing with this blog, can you please vote for me (and ask others to)? You can vote once every 24 hours (the more, the merrier! HO, HO, HO, LOL). It isn't so much about winning as it is about getting the word out into the world about the things that often go wordless. Thanks!