Sunday, December 8, 2013

Up Late. Again.

Tonight I have been going through my images as I get ready for the event in a couple of days. It is strange going back through images that go back several years. This one was from March 23, 2009. I was about half way through my California "tenure."

I look at myself from those past years and I wonder if I still see "me." I know that might sound strange. But the person I was then isn't the one I am now. I look kind of the same in my face (although I do wonder how much it may have aged now), but my hair is certainly not the same. If find myself wondering if it will ever get back to what it once was. And I am not sure. I actually figured out when I first went on chemo that it would likely take up to 3 years for it to get back to what it was when I lost it. I am now at the beginning of year two. At the beginning, and on a bit shaky ground.

There are times I forget I am dealing with cancer. There are times I act as if all is right and OK with the world. Instead of it being my reality, it is kind of what I fool myself into at times. Although as I say that, fooling would imply a conscious choice and effort. The times I forget it is not because I want to, it is just that I get caught up in actually living and I forget that there is a chance I could die.

It is a tightrope that I walk. And it is one that I am really uncomfortable with at times. Before I left for my trip I was supposed to write my wishes for what I wanted if something happened to me. I didn't. A part of me resents the idea that people think that they know better than I do. Perhaps they do, but when one is dealing with something like I am dealing with, the last thing that one needs is someone else reminding them of the possibilities and starkness of the potential realities.

Of course no one does it out of meanness. At least I would hope not. I know it is done with the best of intentions. But it still sucks, in a big way.

I realize it may leave people wondering how to act. Do they act like things are serious, or do they act "normal?" It is hard to answer that question. When I made the video in which I felt like I was giving up after the news I got, it seemed that some people who didn't act like they got it before, seemed to get it in a different way. Did they not get it before? Did they get it differently? I really don't know. But it seemed to take me being in one of the lowest places possible for them to act in a way that suggested that maybe they got it when before it didn't seem like it as much.

I feel like there is more to say about this, but I am tired. I just glanced at the clock. Dang. It's 1:35 in the morning. The day has gone by so very quickly. I only have a little more time to get things together for Tuesday. Tomorrow I have to start thinking through a few administrative pieces that I have yet to clarify in my head.

I wish I could just stay in my creative head.
It is so much easier.

Whatever it is on Tuesday, it is. I have to accept that. I have to plan on that. I have to know that whatever it becomes, it will be exactly the way it needs to be.

I just really hope that if I stumble in the process, it isn't big tumble.

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