This blog entry takes quite a course. I write more for me to attempt to make sense of what I am feeling than I do to make sense for someone else.
Sometimes worlds collide, and people get what I am saying, and it is wonderful. :)
If you want the upshot of it all, scroll down to the bolded text.
Thanks for stopping by.
Recently I told people that they could share any prayer requests that they had on my Facebook Relating to cancer page. Since then I have also actively been posting to other people's pages when I see requests that they can share with Reiki Ward and with my page. I don't want to assume that I can share the requests, so I have just let them know in the comment section.
Yes. It is a way of letting others know about my page. However, it is more about what the page is intended to represent, rather than an advertisement for me. Yes. I am sharing my story. Yes. I am looking to make money. Yes. There are many components to this.
There are many components to life. And we seem to have difficulties when the components cross paths. Everything is supposed to be so black and white, right? Best to keep anything that could resemble advertising separate from the good you want to do, or else people might think you are doing something offensive or inappropriate.
I mention this because in response to one of my postings, someone told me that they were taking my comment down. They felt I was advertising to their friends. They also felt that I hadn't been supportive, and questioned if I had liked their page.
The fact is that I haven't not been supportive. I have shared about this person's work more than once. As far as I know I did like her page. At the core what I felt bothered me the most was that her perspective was not only unfair, but inaccurate.
At the same time, like I often do, I tried to step back and look at it. If I was truly being honest, was I guilty of what she claimed I was doing?
I want to be mindful of other people's experiences of me, but I have been making an effort to step away from allowing the reactions of others to affect me in a way that I wind up doubting and questioning myself.
I think there is a difference between questioning a situation and questioning myself. I think so, any way. A part of me feels defensive even having this conversation as it may make me seem selfish and self-centered. And of course we all know how bad that is, right?
My whole body is feeling off now. A button was pushed. I really hate when a person makes up in their mind what they think I am saying or doing, and then in their communications and actions have me feeling judged for the results of their perceptions. I have such a strong reaction to it. It makes me want to retreat. And the last thing I need to do right now is retreat.
When things like this happen, it is like the brakes suddenly are applied, and everything comes to a screeching halt.
On a slightly separate, but related topic, I have been thinking lately about how so much of what we are exposed to these days has a cost attached. It is so prevalent, that we assume that there has to be a cost, even when none is stated. Marketers and advertisers have trained us so well, haven't they?
It seems to me that it makes us way too sensitive to anything that resembles advertising for something that makes money. A part of me reacts to what has happened, and wonders if I should break things out. Another part of me says NO in the loudest way possible.
I think it is because life isn't the neat little boxes we want it to be. Life is messy. It is a myriad of things, and when we try to break the pieces out, they lose a part of themselves, and we lose a part of ourselves. Who I am is many things. How I am is many ways. I know some will tell us the best way to be, and it is nothing like I have been - especially not in the last year and a half.
It is not my intention to piss people off, but I know I do. I know I rub people the wrong way because I am not playing the game we are supposed to play very well - if at all. I have spent a good part of my life trying to be the "good girl" and having people like me. I was never popular as a kid, and a part of me can only believe it was because I somehow was doing things wrong. If I had been doing them right, I would have had more friends, right?
As I grew up, it was very uncomfortable when someone disapproved of me. It made me question myself endlessly. It was not a pleasant way to live. But it had become such a part of me that I would agonize when I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me because I could not see things the way another thought I should. At the same time, a part of me knew nothing was wrong. Quite the inner battle has been raged.
These days I sometimes do worry about how I am coming across, as I am having a very hard time doing things. I am so busy trying to do things to make money, I am not doing every day things. The apartment where I live is a mess. My head is a mess. People I have wanted to thank haven't been (a friend's comment, "Maybe if you were more grateful, people would help you more," rings in my head. Despite the fact that I have thanked many, any I haven't thanked I in some way risk offending.)
People see slices of my life and probably think everything is just fine. Well. It is. And it is not. I live every day with the fact that there is stuff going on in my body that only a few short weeks ago was progressively getting worse. At the moment, I am not sure where it stands, and that is the part of the "fun" of my life right now. Where on the wheel of life it stands, is anyone's guess, and my uncertain reality which often gets minimized by the fact that none of us really know anything.
There was a guy recently who tweeted about a woman on a plane who apparently was quite rude with the people around her. The story wasn't true. But in the midst of the story and its telling, someone said that the woman had had cancer, and was dying. A conversation ensued as to how she was supposed to - and not supposed to - act.
When I thought about it, I have been reminded about times that my emotions got the best of me. Once I was really stressed with what was going on in my life, and was on the phone with a credit card company. I was really pissed, and the person at the other end of the phone said, "I understand..." My response was, "You don't (!!!!!!)
That wasn't the me I knew. That was the me that was super-duper beyond stressed, and I cracked. We all do, and the sad thing is that we can't always control when we do it, and who we do it with, and sometimes there may be someone there to report it to the world for their judgment. And sometimes it might just be one person's judgment and disapproval that we will be met with.
In some ways, my situation is no different than anyone else's. I would like to think I am special, and that my situation is exceptional, but at the core it isn't much different than what others experience.
At the same time, if those who aren't faced with what I am think that what we deal with is similar, then it is less likely they will want to help and be less likely to understand the things that don't happen the way they are supposed to. I have been struggling for a while to figure out a way to say what I just did. I have run up against that more than once in the last year and a half.
I struggled before cancer showed up, but it is nothing like what it has been since it arrived. I may have thought and felt things before, but they're nothing like what I have felt and experienced since. The person who struggles today is not the same person who struggled before. While the essence of the struggle may be the same, the struggle itself is not.
As I have been writing, I feel calmer. But I still have that inner, uncomfortable feeling when I think about what happened. I wrote her and said that nothing like what she thought was intended, and that I can appreciate how she saw things. I don't have to like it, or agree with it, to appreciate that there was a different perspective. I also don't have to take things as personally as her message sounded.
Maybe I do suck. Maybe I am selfish and self-centered. Maybe the world is all about me. And maybe there are just times it seems that I think that. And maybe if I am being all about me, there is a reason, just like when there are times that you are all about you. I am sure you have a reason, too.
My intention often is to take care of other people - even at personal cost. I know that all anyone knows is what they think they know, so you may not know that about me. You may not know about all that I have done for others because the focus is on the things I haven't done, or think you know.
I have never said I was perfect. And things like this remind me to be understanding when it comes to others and their communications and potential motives. It is interesting to me to note that I have had more than one person jump all over a judgment of me and my actions in the last year and a half.
I wonder if I have ever made anyone feel like these people have made me feel with their communications. If so, I am so sorry. I don't think I have, but I am guessing that these people may not have thought they have, either.
When we are so busy judging and correcting another's behavior, we often see nothing wrong with our own, do we?
When we are so busy judging and correcting another's behavior, we often see nothing wrong with our own, do we?
In re-reading this, I see I was all over the place. If you kept up with it all, congrats. It is hard for me to sometimes understand what is in my own head, which makes conveying it in some way that makes sense a bit difficult.
It was not my intention to lay my judgment on anyone, but rather share my thoughts. A person has the ability to do whatever they feel is right for their life, whether we understand it, or not.
I think one of my biggest problems is when my words, actions or intentions are taken in a way that were not only unintended, but also potentially make me look bad in the process. Because that can happen, it makes me wonder if it is possible for is to give each other a bit more slack when it comes to our interactions with others.
It would be pretty amazing if we could connect more to the common deeper parts of our experience than the superficial, which can often divide us or distort who we truly are.
Lastly, I want to address my Facebook page's purpose. It is only about me when I am the only one posting. I don't want to be the only one posting. Person after person that I have met I have encouraged to post. I have asked people to share about themselves and their stories. I share things that have nothing to do with me. I share things unrelated to cancer. I share things related to life.
At the same time, I share there about my story and my journey. Part of my story and journey is how I am trying to earn money. It wasn't so much that before my trip, but it is something that is very much a part of what is happening now. A PART.
The page is intended to be about so much more than just me and my story, but people aren't posting, for whatever reason they are not posting, but it isn't because of a lack of desire on my part. It isn't because it is closed off to posts of others.
It is open, and I would love it if more people would participate, and even talk amongst themselves. I can't be sure, but it might just be indicative of the culture that we have around the topic of cancer. Very few talk about it.
I have a habit of going where I am not expected to go. I don't go where those who are talking about cancer go. They're already talking about it. I go to where it is not being talked about it, and start talking. I am pretty sure that this is what I am supposed to be doing, but boy is it an uphill climb at times.
If you are inclined to say something in the group, please do. If you have something you think others would benefit from, please share. Any questions? Please ask.