A Tough Day

I was just about to "shut down" for the night.

I feel horrible.

I went to a doctor yesterday to check on something,
and I spent 3 hours and spent money for what
essentially amounted to nothing of any real value
(except perhaps that I am a bit less iron deficient).
Not only that, but all the bending and sitting and
laying made my incision area ache yesterday, last
night, and today.

I also researched something on the web about
cancer, and found something that I didn't like at
all.  I was purposely trying to stay away from it,
as I didn't want anything to get into my head.
The doctor didn't help things, either.

I also spent part of the day thinking about
resentment.  Some say that cancer has to do with
resentment and a need for forgiveness.  I was
working on this idea, but I was also pretty sad
today.  I felt pretty scared, too.

I don't know how to interact with this sometimes.
Plus when my body hurts, I hurt even more.  Even
though I wonder how much of the pain might be
from stored up hurts from over the years, too.

I know some who do not believe in the "punishment"
form of illness (where we think something/believe
something and it creates itself in our body) but I do
think that there might sometimes be something to it.

Is it every time?  I couldn't say.  But what I can say
is that I very much want to do everything in my power
to take care of myself now, and have the next 6 months
be the last that I ever deal with this dis-ease and its
effects.

What "all" that is, I don't really know...but I want to
do anything that seems right.  And doing work around
resentment and forgiveness doesn't seem to be a bad
idea, at all - whether it is "attached" to this situation,
or not.

I keep telling myself I am doing the best I can.  I
don't really know how else to be.  I know that denial
will get me no where...so I am trying to allow myself
to just be however I feel in relation to whatever I feel.

Some moments are just a lot harder than other ones.