Monday, May 26, 2014

Day 3: Ugh Feeling Like Crap

Yes. I know. I am supposed to be in a different headspace. I am supposed to be positive. Be with God. Prayerful. Mindful. Optimistic. A Fighter. Blah. Blah. Blah.

When you feel as crappy as I do, those words all sound wonderful, but you are wrapped in a shroud of uckiness. And this is just Day 3 of what could be 9+ weeks according to the docs. If scans in 9, or so weeks do not show what they them to, then it could mean more chemotherapy before surgery could be considered.

They gave me two prescriptions for nausea. They were so damn insistent that I would have it. Why? Why inflict that on someone? There has to be a better way. I cannot help but wonder how much of what I feel has to do with their damn insistence.

Nausea isn't the only thing I feel. My head doesn't feel right, and there is overall a depressed feeling. I also want to sleep a lot. I felt healthier a mere few days ago than I do now. Now I want to ignore how I feel, but it does not seem to be an option. I can't do too much without having to do something to cope with the nausea.

I am not eating particularly well. Ginger Snaps, Pretzels, and Ginger Ale is the main part of my diet. Yesterday I did have some plain homemade chicken broth/soup. Today I might try to add an egg for protein. I also have some homemade sourdough bread that was baked and frozen before ai went off to my friend's.

I also tried putting peppermint oil on my wrist as I tried to sleep last night. I guess it helped, as I think I fell asleep that way. At the moment I am sucking on a Gin Gin Ginger candy.

It is interesting for me to share what I am going through now, as I do not think I did the first time round. I was barely posting back then. I also wasn't posting publicly as me. It took some time before I started to tell people and go public. I had to cope with it myself first.

I do not want to be so public now. But the part of me that demands I share is quite compelling. I had to write what I have been writing the last few days - most of which has been on Facebook only. I really should write here, and link there - but the extra energy isn't something I have wanted to expend. I wonder who reads what more? 

I just went back and copied the posts to here. They are out of sequence, but at least they are present in the blog now. Some people think I can't be so bad if I can write and do the things I do. I wish I knew how to convey how difficult it is to do what is done. Sometimes it takes all I got. Other times I just have to do it. It is the only thing I've got.

As I write, I am noticing tingles on my scalp, and hair that is coming out. It could still be Ok. I was pretty devastated last time, this time I do not think I will be. At least I still have the wigs, and I know more of what I can do for myself and my appearance, but I will not be happy. 

I am really hoping that by writing this stuff I will get it out of me. I keep thinking I really need to write the book I know I need to write. I keep wondering if I can post blogs and write the book at the same time. I am not sure that it is feasible. 

When I think about it, though, I worry because I very much still need help, and if I fall mostly silent, people may not think about me. Even when I make noise, it seems to have minimal effect. All of the things I worried about before have come. I now have more expenses, due to treatment and supplements, and that is with running out of money.

Every day I have had people telling me what to do - things that mostly cost money, and are often out of alignment with chemo. I was trying Mistletoe treatments before, but was told I would likely be miserable doing them in conjunction with chemo now, I had stopped, due to the cost. Apparently now, though, I would possibly get them for free. Sucky timing.

I feel a smidge better writing. But I also want to retreat, and cry.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes I think this is appropriate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmJ9yRKzfnU. I refuse to judge what you "should" or "ought" to do. As you see fit is all that matters.