I have spent most of my life having to be strong. It is something that society also says is necessary: a stiff upper lip, never appear weak, what would others really think of you if you were honest?
It really helps when you feel like you have nothing left to lose. There is nothing to protect, nothing to hold on to.
Despite this fact, though, I have found it very difficult at times to be the jumbled self that I am. I have found it difficult to be OK with breaking down - in the midst of breaking down.
The protective veneers have all but disappeared. I can no longer act like I am OK when I am anything but. Holding myself in has become a difficult - if impossible - task.
I have broken down way too many times in way too many places. At least that is what my logic says. It is a breakdown of my ego that is less than desirable.
I have to hold it together. At least that is what my ego says/thinks.
It is a battle that it is losing though. It may even be lost. I just can't contain myself any more.
Sometimes, though, I get some help. The friend I am staying with has been amazing, encouraging me to be who and how I am - without restriction.
I have gotten to the point that I feel I can say anything, and feel like it has been such a great gift I have been given. I do not need to edit anything. I do not need to filter anything. I do not have to fear repercussions.
I. Can. Simply. Be.
I can simply be me.